It used to be that thoughts of people in open relationships brought specific visions to mind. Hippie communes, copious amounts of drugs and rock’n'roll on the free love side and purple satin sheets, leopard print anything and hedonistic Mexican resorts on the swinging side. All of those things still exist and please many people, but there are definitely new kids in town and a new playground for them.
A new generation is bringing their thoughts on monogamy to the forefront of conversation. Some of them are living a fully polyamorous life, others are just inviting other people into their bedroom and then giving them the boot before the sun has a chance to think about rising. More and more are expressing our desire to stay with the partner we’ve chosen, but to still experience the joys that other people can bring into our lives. In short, every couple has their own way of doing things, experimenting with their own comfort.
The internet plays a big part in this new level of confidence many of us have with our lifestyle choices. Sites like Facebook give us the option of saying exactly what’s going on in our lives by letting us select “in an open relationship” or “it’s complicated” for our relationship status. Dating websites like okCupid have more and more members saying they are living an open lifestyle to some degree, and it seems normal.
What is it about the internet that allows us to feel safe? It used to be the anonymity of the web. You could say what you wanted and hide behind the screen, putting your thoughts out there but never having to deal with any real consequences. In recent years though, communities have been popping up all over the place. The internet has become how the world connects on a personal level, and is often more influential than any other medium at shaping how society thinks. No longer do I feel amazed that I can chat with someone across the ocean online as I once did. Now I’m amazed that I can find my neighbors and communicate with them as I may never have before.
Being able to find so much information about open relationships and to connect with other people who list it as a normal feature about themselves, just as they would the fact that they’re a brunette with green eyes, encourages us to feel a much higher level of acceptance than we’ve ever been exposed to in the past. There’s always the sticky issue of “coming out”, and there’s no reason that just because you’re experimenting with your level of fidelity that you have to tell everyone about it. Certainly not everyone’s mum is ok with it, and sadly discrimination still exists in many workplaces. Do what works for you and never be ashamed of it, as you are not alone.
We walk among you, and you might be surprised to find out how many of us there are.
I wish I could be more open about my lifestyle choice. There are those trusted friends that know. My father-in-law knows. I’m pretty sure my dad knows, but it doesn’t shock him since as an adult I can now see signs that I missed as a kid that my mom and him had an open relationship. My mom passed-on before my wife and I entered into an open relationship. My wife’s mom is alive, but she hasn’t see her in over 17 years.
I belong to several Poly groups on Facebook, but I have my groups set to “private” so that my vanilla friends can’t see. But I am very outspoken and public about LGBT rights because I have so many LGBT friends in the polyamory community. I get tons of flack over that, I can’t imagine what coming-out as being poly would do.
Maybe someday we can be open about it. I would sure like to be. And I’m getting to the point where sometimes I say “what the fuck, who cares if they know.”