Sex. It drives our society. Certain people make their living from it, others rarely or never have it, by choice or sometimes circumstance. Magazines are constantly littered with advice pages on how to have the ultimate orgasm, drive him wild, get her to worship you, or where to find the sexiest lingerie, but I just want to break it down in simple terms for couples, open or not. This advice can also be translated for single folk, gays or lesbians, but please note, I am mainly addressing concerns that many people living together in straight relationships, here in Toronto have expressed to me during many an intense chat.
Next to finances, sex is the biggest thing that couples argue about. It’s often used as a bargaining chip in relationships, sometimes without us even realizing we’re doing it. We women sometimes withhold on sex because he hasn’t done the dishes, taken out the trash or told us we’re beautiful without being asked “Do I look fat in this?”. And men can sometimes forget that a lot of girls can’t just switch on and be ready to go in a moment’s notice. Sometimes we can, just not all the time, fellas.
With the obvious chemical differences happening between men and women in both the brain and the pants, it’s a wonder any sex ever gets done in some households, and it’s time to stand up, show some common sense and stop blaming the other person for our lack of O’s.
Yes yes, men need to realize that women like being romanced; but wait boys! Don’t shy away from the word romance just yet. Sometimes “romance” is as simple as doing something for your girl that you might not always do, a feeling of mystery, excitement and remoteness from everyday life. Women tend to be managing a million things at once, and will appreciate you taking care of something and removing some of their daily stress.
Now here is where you’ll find many magazine articles will stop the “How to have more sex” advice. The man has received his info on how to woo his woman, and the woman has been educated on what panties really drive him insane with lust. Wait a minute, though. Isn’t it also the woman’s responsibility to contribute to her own fulfilling sex life? Where’s the advice that speaks to her about how to have more sex?
Society’s assumption that men are the only gender that enjoy frequent sex is truly unfair to both genders. Immediately the enjoyment of sex is placed mainly at the man’s feet, and it’s made to sound like a chore to the woman. But wait! Extra extra! Women enjoy sex too! We might not be as fast to spring to life, but trust me; we dig it. A healthy sex life makes us feel good, and contributes to overall happiness.
Why then ladies, is the onus always on the men to set the right mood, or say the right things? Perhaps we need to realize that sometimes our man just wants to fuck. Maybe he’s had a hard day, he’s tired, and what he really needs is a good ol’ quickie. Or a long (well, long enough anyways) session. Either way … why not give it to him? Waiting for that perfect moment could mean you’re in for a long haul. Remember that your sex life is also your responsibility, spread your legs and just do it his way, for once.
It doesn’t mean that by “giving in” you always should do it on his schedule, but it’s a lesson in compromise. Men have feelings too, and if they’re constantly being shown that they’re only sexy when you don’t have a headache, or when they clean the bathroom, it’s going to wear on them emotionally, no matter how much they stand at attention.
Sex requires effort, there’s no doubt about it, but remember it takes two to tango, reverse cowgirl or doggy style. At least two, anyways. 
Doing it “his way” isn’t really giving in. Think about it for a moment. You want your partner to be happy, right? So why is it that in a non-sexual situation it’s much easier to act on making him happy? Why the resentment when the clothes come off?
Sure, there will be times when either person just ain’t feeling it, and it’s easy to get into a rut of not doing it for a variety of reasons. You might be feeling ill, mentally or physically stressed, tired or genuinely just not wanting sex or intimacy. There’s other reasons though, and from past experience and conversations, here’s a few examples:
• It’s been so long, you might feel weird being the instigator, you don’t want to be rejected, or perhaps whether consciously or sub-consciously you feel that you’ll somehow be “giving in”
• Why should I go down on him when he’s not doing what I need?
• You’ve gotten used to not having it that the thought of doing it actually feels a little overwhelming
• The need to have an orgasm has gone away, at least so you think.
There are times when I’m in bed, feeling completely distracted and I know he’s in the mood. And even I can get this funny feeling of defensiveness. I can tell he wants it, and because I don’t at that moment, I feel caught in this silly web of feeling guilty for not giving him what he wants, and then resentment of him for me feeling guilty in the first place.
Sometimes you just have to make a decision, bite the bullet and pull the first move. Try making out like you did when you were first dating! It’s not the end of the world if you don’t enjoy it for the first little bit, but chances are you’ll get into a groove and you’ll end up having a grand ol’ time. If you’re finding that you’re just not getting into it at all, perhaps the two of you need to sit down and discuss what you really feel you’re getting or not getting out of your intimate time together.
Now I’m definitely not saying that if you’re really not into it, you should still do it all the time. It’s still quality over quantity. Every situation is different and it’s possible that perhaps there’s more going on in your relationship that might require some different help outside of me saying “Go on, just give it to him already.”
However, the funny thing about sex is that the more you have it, the more you want it. And often, the less you have it, the less you want it. I’ve sometimes accidentally gone a week without an orgasm before I had to shake myself and remember “Hey! I like those! I should go and get me one of them right about now, or as soon as possible.”
Studies have shown that frequent sex and orgasms translate into lower death rates for both men and women and also lower risk of heart attacks. In other words, it’s in your best interest to have sex often. There is nothing wrong with admitting to your partner that not only do you want to get it on, you need to. Admitting it to yourself is the first step. Touch feels good, intimacy feels good, and orgasms feel good! I have no problems turning to my husband and saying “Hey, so um, I feel like having an orgasm.” If he’s into it, great, and if not, I can still take care of my own business and not worry about missing out, or being judged just because I had to say I wanted it.
Cutting out the romance and remembering that sex can simply be a helluva good time and that maybe, outside of all the “he should do this” and “she should do that” bullshit, that it’s fun to have fun?
Everyone, yourself included, deserves that. Now go out and take care of yo’ business!
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Stay tuned for more sex advice for single folk, in a future entry.
