This week I will share with you one of the hard lessons my husband and I have had to learn, and well are still learning. This definitely falls under the category of continuing education.
If you are in a relationship, I hope you are fortunate enough to be with someone who truly cares if you are feeling sad or joyful. Who takes pleasure at hearing you laugh, and who aches when you are upset and will do whatever they can to make it right for you. If you’re not I’m afraid you may have bigger fish to fry than this article will provide the grease for.
Most of us don’t take pleasure in seeing our loved ones hurt. (Unless it’s in an agreed upon “fun” situation, wink wink nudge nudge). We may lash out when stressed, tired or disappointed, but we accept that life is easier, more relaxed and generally better when everyone is happy and the positive vibes are flowing. So when we realize that going out with someone new is upsetting that happy balance we can feel conflicted, guilty, responsible and can find it hard to focus on the outside partner because of the turmoil our primary partner is seemingly going through.
The reality that can be so very difficult to accept, even though it’s a bit of a no-brainer? You are not responsible for your partner’s feelings. We are simply all responsible for our own feelings and our reactions to situations. Now wait just a minute. Back the truck up. Hold the phone. Before you start (insert whatever your partner would consider inconsiderate, hurtful or hard to deal with here), take a moment. While we aren’t responsible for other people’s feelings, we should certainly take into consideration the situations we are asking others to deal with, sometimes against their will.
Think of it this way … just because it’s not your fault that you have to cancel dinner reservations to meet a crazy deadline for work; that doesn’t mean that you should tell your partner to live with it and just deal, dismissing them when they express disappoint. They’re allowed to feel disappointed, and while there’s nothing you can do to change the boo hiss work plans, you can let them know that you’re aware how they’re feeling and that it’s ok. You can be supportive without being condescending. Considerate without being overbearing.
Same goes for dating other people. It’s *probably* not going to be the easiest thing to deal with; to have your partner out with someone else while you’re sitting at home, feeling ugly, unloved, BORED. (This is at first, of course, and if you don’t feel like that, kudos to you. Trust me, it generally gets better. Envy jealousy can just be an absolute bitch to deal with.) You want to support your partner who’s out having a good time, but it’s difficult when you’re maybe going through your own upsetting, personal issues.
And THAT’S OK! No one says it has to be easy all the time. It’s not always easy for ME and I’m writing a book about it. I mean, let’s be realistic. We’re human, not robots. My name’s Samantha, not Asimo. Or Wall-E, as cute as that guy is.
Sometimes when my husband’s with someone else, I’m at my lowest point. Often it can depend on how my own plans are shaping up. See, if I’m occupied, it’s MUCH easier to deal with whatever he’s doing because I’m focused on what I’m doing. Simple logistical math. However, if I’m doing nothing, well that’s not always the best scene. He, on the other hand, is happy as a clam when by himself doing nothing. We are definitely different people, in that regard. Recently I had a very bad evening as my plans got completely messed around and I was left at home. Drunk after a difficult dinner with a friend, expecting to be out with a boy instead of pining at home for some attention from anyone besides the cats. (Love you dearly kitties, but you ain’t got no man hands.) I didn’t feel good for a few days, and am still dealing with the after effects of that *episode*, but I own that. It’s not his fault, it was simply a matter of circumstance.
*Sidenote: I know many people will stop here and say “Ok, wait a minute. Why, why why(!?) put yourself through all that shit? How can it be worth it?” All I can say is that it IS worth it. Trust me. Every aspect of my life since becoming a more open, honest and communicative person has improved. I will take the occasional bad days combined with the more often fantastic days, over a lifetime of mediocrity that I perhaps may have led before.
What the person going out has to realize is that they can enjoy themselves with an outside partner, without having to feel bad. It doesn’t mean you don’t love your partner because you’re having fun with someone else. We all have fun with different friends, but that doesn’t make the others any less important for what they bring to our lives. Compartmentalizing is key here [read more about this brain trick in the book], as is owning the situation you are in. Here’s a simple list of do’s and don’ts for the dating partner in this situation;
Do ensure to tell your primary partner how you feel about them before and after your time with someone else (depending on when it is comfortable for them.)
Don’t overcompensate and throw slimy kisses at them so much that they feel sick and it’s obvious that you’re doing it to just cheer them up and not because you mean it.
Do trust your primary partner when they tell you to have a good time. Even if they’re saying it through their teeth at that moment, they do mean it somewhere deep down.
Don’t talk about how much fun your date was unless you have an agreement that it’s ok to do so, or they ask. Some people are ok with details, some want to forget it’s happened. Just do your best to figure out your safe-to-discuss path before you deviate from it.
Do make sure to “check in”. Sometimes it’s easy for humans to say we’re feeling ok because we don’t want to admit that we’re not. Either because we are too proud to be vulnerable, or we don’t want to burden the other person because we think we’re supposed to be supportive and strong all the time. Silly humans.
Don’t fall into that trap! There’s a fine line between knowing your partner feels sad, but that they will be ok and just need to deal with it, and not knowing that your partner is feeling worse than they can perhaps handle on their own and need you to reach out to them.
Do love your partner and take the best care of them that you can.
Don’t feel guilty if they’re feeling down if you have done everything you can to make them feel safe, loved and important.
And now, advice for the non-dater of the evening:
Do try to make plans to at least keep your brain occupied. If you know that you don’t deal very well with your partner being out while you’re not, find something to do. If you can’t go out, doing something that deviates from the norm for an evening in, like either watching MORE porn or LESS, can work wonders!
Don’t sit at home and wallow, if you can help it. You are awesome and you do know it, really.
Do be honest with your partner. If you’re sad, but it’s strangely ok, let them know. (And trust me, it will feel strange to be ok with being sad. It really does sound crazy, I know, but it can work). If they feel guilty for you feeling sad, it’s not your fault.
Don’t lie! If you’re down and you think it might be too much this time, let them know! The worst thing you can do is to not be honest and end up resenting them because you didn’t speak up for yourself.
Do support your partner, even if it’s through your teeth sometimes, while they are exploring new horizons with different partners. That *is* partially the point, right?
Don’t expect to feel the same every time your partner is with someone else. Your circumstances can change daily, as can your moods. If you felt fine the last time, maybe you were out yourself. Maybe you were just dealing better that day. Don’t critique yourself based on your past emotional performances.
For those of us in long term relationships, it’s hard to admit to someone we’ve been with for a long time that we’re scared. That we’re embarrassed to feel a certain way. You get so used to being who you are, in your assumed relationship roles, that any deviation can make all of this seem overwhelming, frightening and absolutely intense.
So finally, a DO for everyone:
Remember that we are all unique. Everyone deals with sadness a different way. From man to man, woman to woman. If you and your partner have always enjoyed the same music or movies, accept that *maybe* you might have varying reactions to dating other people. The best thing you can do is be honest with your partner(s) and yourself. It can be a bumpy road, but the destination is hopefully a prize that you find worth traveling to.
Happy trails ahead!
