The other day I met a man who had found my blog through a random internet connection. Having recently opened up his marriage after almost 20 years, I was happy to talk with him to help him understand the thoughts and feelings he was going through.
Out of that conversation, I reached an important realization. Something I have always known, but had yet to articulate. He was experiencing some torment at the idea of his wife being involved in certain external activities. Having spent some time trying these activities himself, he realized it wasn’t for him, but was struggling with the idea of her enjoying something that he wasn’t.
It’s a problem that can often come up in open relationships, especially for couples who have been together for a long time and whose identities have seemingly merged into one over the years. When your partner discovers a sexually or otherwise motivated activity that they really like, you might feel that you should like it too, even if you really don’t. After all, you’ve probably had a lot in common for so long, it would seem strange not to be at least on a similar page. You might experience a form of envy jealousy.
“Well if they get to to do that, why can’t I?”
Who said anything about permission? To me, it all comes down to the cake theory. They’re off doing something fun, new and exciting. You wonder, why should they get to have their cake and eat it too?
You like cake, don’t you? Don’t you?
Let’s say for a second … you don’t actually like cake that much. Maybe you should look at what you do like and focus on that.
If you’re not into BDSM, but your partner is, don’t feel bad about it. Sure, give it a whirl if you like, you never know what you might discover, but if it’s not for you, put down the whip and refocus on what you want. If you’re into going on dates at the opera, and your partner puts the brakes on that then enjoy it on your own time. Making out for hours not your thing? Then it’s great if it’s theirs and they can find someone to do it with. Less pressure on you!
Look at your life outside of being in an open relationship. You probably have your own set of friends, music and books that speak to you but your partner has no interest in. Events that you’re interested in attending that bore them to tears. Sports teams you cheer for. There’s nothing wrong with those interests being separate, and there shouldn’t be anything wrong with dating / sexual interests being different as well.
Being together for a while will certainly mean that you’ve developed your own sexual rhythm as a couple. Don’t forget that those times when you do come together, you are still bringing your own unique desires and experiences to your bedroom experiences. You’ve always been individuals, you just might have forgotten it if you’ve been a couple for a long time.
Discovering your own individual desires outside of your bedroom together can be a rejuvenating experience. You will bring new energy and passion to your life as a couple as you feel more connected with yourself. Don’t beat yourself up if you’re not into all the same things as they are. Allow yourself to see your partner again as the individual you fell for from the get-go.
Let them eat their cake.
Who knows … Maybe you’re more partial to pie.
