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The morning after

By samantha, on July 23rd, 2008

A follow-up to the previous two posts that I wrote last night … while perhaps a little drunk. ;)

Occasionally I get emails from people asking about my true feelings on open relationships. I appreciate these questions as I know that sometimes my views on certain situations may be negative, but I wanted to answer that question for once and for all now.

Our lives have improved so much now that we are in an open marriage, it’s amazing. As a couple that did everything together, prior to opening up, we once again have found our own individuality as people. I get to share this amazing journey with my best friend, as we support each other through fun + sexy times, hard times, and everything in between.

Sure, sometimes it’s difficult to deal with. Situations can be brand new and a lot more complex than monogamy ever allowed for. The highs can be very high, and sometimes the lows, very low.

Is it worth it, to go through all of this complicated, sometimes hard to deal with stuff? You betcha’.

Would I happily return to exclusivity / monogamy if we decided we wanted to? You betcha’, but I probably wouldn’t be all that thrilled about it, and neither would he. We believe that you can have your cake and eat it too, so why would we bother just serving that cake and staring at it?

We get to enjoy single life within the security of a very committed relationship. We get to experience new relations, sexual and otherwise with some amazing people that we often hold quite near and dear to our hearts. We discover a new layer within our own selves everyday. And sure, sometimes those selves get broken down, but in what relationship does a person live 100 % on the same emotional level daily?

I would much rather enjoy my life, with it’s occasional big highs and big lows than experience a constant state of mediocrity every day. When we do experience a low, we find it to be all the more obvious because our relationship is so amazing that in contrast, the occasional bad emotion seems very strong when held up against it.

It’s my party, and I’ll cry if I want to, because really I’m always in awe of how truly happy I am.

I hope this has helped explain my true feelings on the subject, and you will be able to appreciate my low moments for what they really are now; minor unhappy blips in a very satisfied life and not a real longing for the days of monogamy, as much as I occasionally cry out for it’s simplicity.

~ Samantha

Marriage, Monogamy, Open relationships, Polyamory, Self esteem
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  • http://thedirtyblonde.wordpress.com/ the dirty blonde

    I had a crashing low recently from guilt and fatigue and your words ring true. It’s heartening that you can step back and see the blips for what they are in the overall picture of your relationship.

    Do you ever ponder a day that you might return to monogamy? Sometimes I think about my current life and its benefits, but occasionally feel one day that things will change as they do in the cycle of life – such as do I want to be chasing additional partners after menopause and my breasts are hanging around my knees somewhere ;-) . The main benefit of a non-monogamous relationship to me isn’t the sex, but the flexibility to be more fluid in how I manage my life rather than gripping to one way of living.

  • emote_control

    Wow. You’ve got something really special here in this blog. I’m impressed with not only your ability to deconstruct yourself and figure out what’s going on, but also your ability to express it in prose. Most of what you write is helpful and moving.

    I have body issues myself, but they’re in the complete opposite direction. I’m a guy, 6’2″, 140 lbs. I always feel gawky and gangly, although I’ve filled out a bit in the last 5 years just by aging (used to be around 130 lbs.). It’s a bit of a hang-up, and I feel dumb for having it.

    I get the feeling that image hang-ups are practically universal. Everyone has something that they hate about the way they look, and in most cases it’s just a matter of taste. What one woman might find undesirable in me another might think is the bees knees.

    It’s not that I’m looking at an open relationship as some kind of therapy session, but I do just want to see what people think and how they react and better know what it is I am to them.

  • Zerozen Ones

    Hey Sam,

    first comment, just going through your blog from the start here and greatly enjoying/benefiting from it (did you write Ok to be Human just for me???)

    I have to add my two cents here about the cost VS benefit. My and my wife have decided to open our relationship a couple months ago, right smack in the middle of me going through depression (awesome timing I know). She has a regular “boytoy” but I have decided to figure my own shit out before adding this extra complication to my life. Anyway, it really hasn’t been easy to deal with this on top of the other issues that put me where I am. One might thus think, WTF were you thinking about!?!? Well, turns out it was rather good timing.

    I cannot understate the incredible level of communication that opening up has thrown us into. I have honestly made more progress in my relationship in the last month than in the last 5 years. It put us in a situation where communication had to be increased and all of a sudden it’s like the floodgate were just blown right out. Every current and past issue has been put on the table, dissected, analyzed and addressed. This also had the effect of putting us in the frame of mind to have a more open dialog about my personal problems, which have been put through the same analytical contraption with the result that I now find myself (with the help of my oh so amazing wife) addressing issues that I have carried with me and suffered from all my life. I haven’t even had the chance to go play yet and already this is one of the best things that’s ever happened to me at a personal level! So yeah, timing was good in the end. I am now contemplating a liberated and exiting future, with a wife that I feel closer to than ever before… and added sexy fun ;) !

    Sorry to make it so long, I just wanted to set the scene so as to underline: The reward of the tremendously enhanced degree of communication and the resulting leaps of personal growth are the most amazing parts of all this.

    Your blog is awesome is helping me/us a lot,

    I sincerely thank you.

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