Last time my husband went out with this girl, I had a terrible evening. It was completely unrelated to what he was doing, but still my brain connected my shitty, pathetic time with his being out with her. It’s hard to separate sometimes and I’ve had a slight knot in my stomach ever since when her name is brought up.
A bad, depressing couple of days came after that, followed by a somewhat restoring self-discovery period, but that initial sadness has caused me to be very apprehensive of the whole idea of her, although admittedly that sadness had a lot more to do with my evening than his. He also sees this one girl a bit much for my true comfort, and it can be hard supporting him in his strange quasi relationship, while being in a “normal” married relationship at the same time. It’s difficult sometimes, but it’s an evolving process that we take one day at a time. Life can’t always be flowers and bunnies as then there would be no reason to grow, evolve and improve. As tough as it is, I like constantly learning.
Anyway, tonight he’s out with the same girl. And while I’m not thrilled about it as much as I try to be for him, I’m not really unhappy either. I’m actually feeling pretty close to neutral because finally I’ve come to a good realization that I shall now share with you.
I’ve separated the sex from the situations surrounding the sex. Sure, it sucks, to have my partner with someone else when I’d be much happier if I could actually be there and see him doing it, or hypocritically if he wasn’t doing it at all. Watching him being happy makes me happy. Without the visuals, it’s something I’d truly rather not think about. I’m happy for him, but it also feels icky, and depending on my mood, a little degrading. That’s ok though. Life is not always about my gratification, that’s for damn sure. I *suppose* I can deal with it. I’m a big girl.
Because … It’s NOT (really) the sex. It’s (mainly) the situation.
For example, if we have any weirdness before or after said events, or if I have plans that get canceled, no plans at all, feel emotional, hormonal, angry, sad, or any combination of the above, I sometimes uncontrollably associate that badness with his being out with someone else. I have realized though that it’s not his being with her that really bugs me … (If I said it didn’t a little I’d be lying. I am human after all and sometimes selfishly wish I could have cake but that he wouldn’t eat it too.) It’s just easier to default to the assumption that when your partner is doing something that you’re used to hearing shouldn’t make you happy, that when you actually end up UNhappy for completely unrelated reasons that it’s the fault of your partner’s activities, and not just said other reasons.
That may or may not make sense at the moment. I am a little sleepy.
So now I’m in strange preparation mode, getting myself ready for when he walks in the door any minute. I feel ok about tonight. I had a nice evening, and am blogging and chatting to dear friends, so I’m sure I’ll be fine enough with it. However, I’m also used to being passive aggressive when he comes home from a date, so I have to re-train myself to stop thinking of bad past experiences and hold this, and every situation in it’s own, individual regard.
Conclusion? If either of us have an unrelated, shitty night on the same night that the other is with someone else? We deal with it, but we must try not to associate it with the other partner being with someone else. Trying your best is always what matters in this situation, as well as any relationship. Effort on both sides makes for a lovely, long-lasting relationship.
Nothing can ever be set in stone, except the occasional ground rule, and even those rules are sometimes meant to be broken.
Ebbs and flows, my friends. Ebbs and flows.
