Recently I asked myself if I had ever seen myself as someone who was going to be monogamous for life. It occurred to me that I had never really thought about it. As I reflected back through the years on who I have been and how I became the woman I am today it became clear how I got to where I am.
I have always lived in the moment. Having a low self-esteem in high school put me in a place where I never believed that anyone would want to date me / kiss me / fuck me. If any interest was ever shown, I was always very present with it so as to not let it slip my grasp, only to never be found again. Never one to look to my future and dream of my wedding date, the kids I would have, or the man I would have them with, I chose instead to think of what was or was not happening in the here and now. Living in the moment is important to me.
The expressions non-monogamy, polyamory, open relationships … these meant nothing to me growing up as a teenager in a small town in Northern Ontario. The idea of dating other people would have never crossed my mind as no one wanted to date me anyway. So I believed then, and who’s to say it’s not true?
Now I see that I was never really built for monogamy. Sure, I’ve had relationships before getting married, and yes, I then got married, accepting that I was to be monogamous forever. However, as our relationship grew stronger and longer I never really thought about it as Steph and I *FOREVER*, just that I was happy then, and it seemed like a good idea to well … continue being happy.
… and who knew? I was right.
Stay tuned for more in the “Realizations” series.
