What Can Make Open Relationships Great? Pt. 1 – Accelerated Problem Solving

I’m starting a mini-series of posts all addressing items that can make an open relationship great. This week, part 1 talks about how non-monogamy can work wonders for relationship communication, despite appearances. Stay  tuned for Part 2 – Finding Lost Individuality & Discovering Old & New Passions.

Accelerated Problem Solving

Let’s face it, all relationships have issues. Even those that are seemingly perfect have something going on under the surface, however slight. It might be an issue that no one wants to acknowledge, as many are with people telling themselves to accept that being mostly happy requires them to be constantly slightly unhappy as well, rather than pushing themselves to work towards a solution.

A sexual fantasy that threatens to undermine an otherwise perfect existence. A gripe about a silly mannerism that grows larger over time. Or perhaps something more tragic; a break down in communication / chemistry / personal identity / self worth and eventually happiness. I’ve known people who have experienced all of these examples or many more, and I’d be lying to say that my relationship has always been in the happy place that it is today without going through some of them myself.

With some people, many issues are no trouble at all. They can be discussed as they happen and dealt with immediately or as soon as possible. My husband and I are lucky enough to be in this spot now, but it has taken some time and effort, and sometimes we’re not there 100 %. There’s no right or wrong to how strong your relationship should be at any given time. Life is always ebbs and flows.

In the past two years of being open, we have dealt with a lot of hardships and troubles. A lot of the stress that we have gone through has definitely been seen by others as unnecessary. Putting ourselves in harms way when instead we could choose monogamy and avoid the pitfalls that opening up a long term relationship can bring.

“Why do you put yourself through this?”

It’s a question I’ve been asked on numerous occasions when I’m down and out from an outside relationship going a bit sour. And while in the moment, my answer to that question might often be “I don’t know”; given a bit of time, I realize that I’ve learned so many valuable lessons as a result that I can only be thankful for the experience. Maybe just a *tiny* bit ticked off at the jerk that hurt my feelings, but definitely MAINLY thankful. Promise. (sticks tongue out at jerks.)

When breaking down some of the past issues that have come up since being open with my husband, I see that the problems associated with our open relationship are much more strongly tied to the relationship on its own. They are communication issues that we were experiencing before when we were strictly monogamous. Often I will say to him that what we are discussing could be something as simple as housework or cooking dinner. It just so happens that it’s related to dating or sleeping with other people. In all honesty, it’s a minor technicality.

Recently we experienced a little glitch that came up as a result of him being intimate with someone else. I had a very strong reaction to something that they did together but had a hard time of conveying my feelings without being bitter, angry and very hurt. After a day of thinking and speaking with some confidantes (a support network of unbiased people can be SUCH a necessity in any open relationship), I came to realize that my reaction was rooted in a deeper problem that I had put on a back shelf of my brain. Something that existed in our relationship before ever going open. We were able to look at the issue for what it was, to separate it from the other person and accept that it was something between us that required some work. What a great feeling that was!

Perhaps it could have been fixed … eventually … had we stayed monogamous, but it was through being open that the issue was brought to the forefront, which then accelerated its solution.

I know how, to others, it may seem like our being open is a constant challenge and not worth it, but I would definitely have to disagree. It is through being open that we have been able to acknowledge and fix things within ourselves and our relationship as a couple.

So when somebody asks me why I put myself through the risk of sometimes being hurt? What makes it really all worth it, besides the easy obvious answer of sex, sex, sex? The real answer is painfully obvious to me.

I’m happier than I ever have been, and get to live a loving, supportive, fun and hedonistic life with my best friend. Simple as that!