Not Your Mother’s Playground

Hello lovelies, I think it’s high time I get back to writing to you. Granted, it’s only been a couple of weeks since I’ve made real contact, but the amount of things that have been running through my brain lately have made it feel like forEVER. Work has kept my mind and body busy, and there has been little time for wandering, but I have on a few, small occasions.

Just over a week ago now, I had one of my friends come over to visit. My husband took himself shopping (his love of buying himself cool things never ceases to amuse me) and I had the day to entertain myself and said friend. For the sake of personal nostalgia, we’ll call him Harvey.

Harvey and I have known each other now almost two years, and I would say that over the course of that time, he’s been a big influence in my life. Introducing me to BDSM, unknowingly helping me become a stronger person – a person who used to feel self conscious speaking to people out loud; a girl who believed in her character on paper, but not so much in reality.

What makes our relationship weird, for lack of a better word, is that he’s married. He wasn’t when we first started talking, just dating back then. A safe person for me to flirt with because I knew the score. He’d let me flirt, I’d get rejected, and in doing so, I’d start to get over that fear of rejection that so many of us have because it was all fun and light anyway. Then we crossed a line, one that we’ve crossed on a few occasions since, including that visit, just over a week ago.

Now, you might be wondering to yourself … how does this make sense?  As someone who preaches openness and honesty, strong communication on all fronts, how could I possibly be involved with someone who’s (very sporadically) cheating?   Well, just over a year ago I used to see it as something so very black and white, but there really are so many shades of gray involved, that it deserves examining. Of course, at the end of the day, if the other person finds out, all of these gray areas simply become black and white again, but let’s look at it a little closer anyway.

While I can never approve of lies and deceit (and have often wrestled in my own head the idea of being the other, even just occasional, woman), it can feel great having something that is just yours, that no one – or very few people – are wise to. Being completely open with my husband, as much as it works and as nice as it is; there is just something so desirable about being sneaky. Keeping a secret, especially a sexy secret – well, it’s invigorating. It’s an ego boost that you can keep to yourself and not worry about friends dissecting to death and taking away from you.

In this scenario, my husband knows all about Harvey. To him, he’s a regular part of my life, and he trust me in my interactions with him. It makes sense as Harvey and I are such good friends. They have yet to meet, but I’m sure will some day. It also gives me peace, that my husband knows me so well, that I am a kind and loving person, and that there is no malicious intent whatsoever in my relationship with Harvey, and that he feels comfortable with me spending time with him.

Perhaps initially the idea of knowing that Harvey and I had to be private was a thrill. We became creative in our use of office space and the challenge of finding time and space added to the intensity of each situation. However it never was, and still is not about stealing him away from his wife, or his normal life. In fact, quite the opposite, as I’ve always taken an active interest in their life together.

There are a few common reasons why people cheat. They can be looking for outside appreciation and validation, revenge or simply self-destruction. One other reason that rarely gets a mention though is that sometimes people just like having a secret. Something that allows them some personal indulgence. A little cherry on top added to an otherwise full, happy and fulfilled life. Also, there’s the highly controversial idea that cheating can actually be beneficial to a relationship, which, if you consider it outside of all the other reasons, might actually be valid in a few cases, such as this one.

[Read an interesting article about this topic at AskMen.Com - I agree with the author, to some degree, but it does neglect to mention that a little outside fling - while not the best way to do it - can occasionally not come from a bad place, and can bring some spice, or an ego boost back to the main relationship.]

So when Harvey and I hung out recently, and crossed whatever invisible line ever so slightly, even as a woman with a strong sense of right and wrong, I felt little guilt. If it doesn’t happen again, and we simply remain close friends, so be it. I know that we only ever hang out when he doesn’t have to take time and energy away from his wife. At the end of the day, I wish only for his happiness and am happy to know him, saucy times or not.

Addendum: Please note that I am 100% aware of my role in this scenario. Not that it makes it any better, but it did help when I admitted to myself that sometimes I can’t always be the best, perfect person that I expect myself to be. Striving to be the best that you can be is a great goal, and I work on that daily, but I will allow myself the occasional vice, as we all should really.