Dictionary.com defines “selfish” as “devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one’s own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others.”
What most of really think of when we hear the word is the last three words. Being selfish has gotten a bad rap, but it’s not that surprising. If you’re selfish, it is assumed that you are probably greedy, inconsiderate, and in general a jerk. There just has to be something more to the word than just its negative connotations.
Sure, there’s bad sides to being selfish. Take my last post for example. The two of us have definitely been selfish, and there’s no denying it. Whether or not you’re the cheater, or someone involved in aiding a cheater, you’re still being guided by selfish desires. A friend asked me about that today, and I couldn’t deny it. I won’t say that it makes it right by admitting it, but I’m okay with that. I have been told by quite a few of my moral friends that it’s not my responsibility to worry about morals and ethics in this situation, but I know that I’m still taking part and that’s being selfish, plain and simple.
One thing I’ve learned though since being open, is that being selfish really is inherently human. No matter how good and giving a person you are, it’s important to always be looking out for yourself. This isn’t a bad thing, it’s the good kind of selfish. I’ve seen plenty of advice to parents over the years that reminds them to take time for themselves, indulge in something just for them, even if for a brief moment. Taking care of themselves means they’ll be better equipped to take care of their family.
And in relationships, being selfish can actually be a good thing. There’s nothing that says that you can’t be both giving and selfish at the same time. By branching away from being the same person and rediscovering my identity through non-monogamy, I’ve been able to realize and remember my own desires, likes and dislikes. Fantasies that I might have been too afraid to discuss in the past for fear of not being accepted for having my own, personal and selfish desires, outside of our desires as a couple.
There are plenty of things that I’ve done for friends or co-workers that are often considered nice, giving, considerate, and so on, but really, many of these things are selfishly motivated. For example, I recently bought two tickets to see the Pumpkins at Massey Hall. I really wanted to go, and my husband wasn’t really interested. So, because I knew the lovely boy I’m dating would be up for it, but couldn’t afford the ridiculously overpriced ticket, I decided that it would equal a good birthday and Christmas present for him. He gets to go for free, I get company. Seems nice, AND it’s selfishly motivated. Win – win says I!
So while I won’t suggest that cheating or gambling are necessarily “good” selfish behaviours, I will say that there is nothing wrong with taking some time to be a little selfish and figure out what works best for you, in all aspects of your life.
Whether it’s sexually or not, there is always truth to the expression: ‘Tis better to give AND receive.
It’s all about what follows the “self” bit. There’s self-ish, self-conscious, self-aware, self-loathing. All of these are forms of self-centeredness, some are good, some bad. Hence “enlightened self-interest”; the “enlightened” bit is important (as in everything else).