Sometimes it seems that no matter how much you try, you will always be the devil to someone. I long ago got over a need to be liked by everyone. We are all our own person, with our own opinions and you can’t change the mind of anyone just because you want to. So if the girlfriend of the guy I’ve been dating since June / July – we’ll call him S – is convinced that I’m a manipulative control freak, what can I do about it but be frustrated and continue to live the best I know how.
This is probably the most personal post I’ve ever written on Not Your Mother’s Playground. (Also the longest, apologies in advance.) I have purposely not written about my relationship with S very much to this point, because I haven’t wanted to give his gf any reason to feel uncomfortable, but now it seems that doesn’t matter.
Yesterday S was given a note from her with, what I understand, was an order to break up with me. Not an ultimatum, or a “let’s talk about this”, but an instruction. Instead of being honest about issues as time went along, everything was seemingly always ok and cool with her. In her defense, I think everyone in an open relationship has the right to veto and speak up when they’re feeling bad. I’ve exercised my veto right in the past (sorry B), but it was always something that was communicated strongly in advance and only used if no other solution could be reached by both Steph and I. We would talk things to death before letting them die. Communication is key!
We met these guys in early summer. We were a little apprehensive because they are much younger than us, but were soon impressed with their open nature and views on sexuality and relationships. The fact that they live close to us was exciting. It seemed too good to be true that we could find awesome, sexy people, so close, that were interested in hanging out, sexually, or otherwise.
In the beginning there was a slight learning curve. Being their first polyamory venture, perhaps it was easier for them to adjust to us, as they didn’t have past experiences to influence their decisions as much. For Steph and I, it was a little different. Except for L&G, the lovely couple that we sort of dated in the beginning, these guys were our first foray into dating a couple, swapping, and dealing with two external personalities instead of just one. We were used to dating / sleeping with mainly single people, especially those that didn’t get introduced to the other partner, so they could somehow remain slightly imaginary. Being forced to deal with the fact that we were both dating someone at the same time was really healthy for us, though it was occasionally a little difficult to navigate. It became a safe situation to get used to talking about each other’s sexual expeditions, something that we had never been 100 % comfortable with before. Issues that we’d put off dealing with were helped by our relationship with them, and we are both extremely grateful for that.
When the four of us ended up in bed together this summer, we were pretty psyched. Everything seemed to make sense, and felt … easy. When I sent her an email afterward, making sure everything was copasetic between us, that’s when I got the first sign of a little resistance. Having been with a few girls in the past as their first, I knew from experience that some required conversation afterward. Someone’s first girl on girl experience can be a bit overwhelming. Coming from strictly a place of good intent and care, I was taken aback when accused of being condescending and treating her like her a ‘typical 20 year old’. Especially when I’ve been with older girls and have still ‘checked in’ with them for no other reason besides caring. I’ve got enough girlfriends to know that sometimes us ladies react funnily to situations. However, without knowing her well enough to realize it wasn’t necessary and that I should have said nothing, I was simply trying to do the right thing and probably fucked that up.
Still, we soldiered on. S and I were quickly becoming close friends. We were finding out how alike we were, and how similar Steph and his gf were. It was important to me to try and connect with her; a – because I thought we could have had some pretty interesting conversations and I was excited to hear her take on issues, and b – well, she was fucking my husband, and I was fucking her boyfriend. It seemed, shall we say, appropriate? As much as I tried though, and trust me I tried, I always came up against resistance. I couldn’t say something without having a fact thrown back at me that devalued anything I was saying making her appear better than I. It’s tough to continue trying when someone is fluffing their feathers in your face when you’re just trying to reach out. To learn that I am apparently seen as the one that caused the four of us as friends to fail (something Steph and I honestly weren’t aware of – we were planning on having them over for a games night soon) is hurtful, false and unnecessary.
We considered them a package deal, and tried not to step on any toes. I was very conscious of what it was like for me in the early days of my open relationship, so I tried to help S by telling him tales that had been hard, but beneficial for myself and for Steph, to help them learn from our mistakes. S was thankful because he was getting a head start. I was always looking out for not only him, but her as well, because let’s be honest, sometimes boys are dumb and I didn’t want to cause any strife in their relationship. Although she seemed fine with everything, I was very conscious of times when it might not have seemed fair – and have always acted in a way with their best interests at heart. After all, I know what it’s like to have other people not respect your relationship. Steph and I are very quick to point out that our marriage comes first, and that we feel the same way about anyone we date. We know from experience what it’s like to have other people disrespect us as a couple and try to weasel in as a few boys in particular have done. As close as S and I are, and as much as we might care for each other, his relationship with his girlfriend comes first, and I can only be thankful to have the time with him that I do.
In the past month or so, S was going through a bit of a bad time. He and I didn’t talk much because he retreated a bit from the world and I couldn’t really help. The few times we did chat, I got the impression that things weren’t so peachy, so I didn’t push him and backed off. I didn’t want to make a stressful home situation any worse simply for my own pleasure. What was obviously important at the time was him getting a handle on his life at home and focusing on his relationship. That’s why this all comes out of left field, as we really hadn’t seen each other much except for once last weekend.
What infuriates both Steph and I is when people assume that I control him, and that he does whatever I say. It’s insulting to our relationship, and to both he and I individually as it insinuates that I’m a control freak and that he’s a mindless pushover. We’ve come up against it a few times in the past couple of years, and apparently she thought this of me as well. While it may appear that I am more vocal about things, any decision that is made is something made between the two of us. In recent months I have asked Steph to talk to her about the decisions we would make as a couple, so that she wouldn’t think that I’m a crazy person pulling all the strings. He knows I’m not, S knows I’m not, and I wanted to ensure that she didn’t think so as well. As I’ve said, it was important to me to not step on any toes. Unfortunately, Steph is not the best talker without prompting – a fact he readily admits – so he was never really able to explain our relationship agreement to her when they would hang out. Any time it might have appeared like I was trying to keep she and Steph apart, it would always have everything to do our issues needing some attention, and nothing to do with he and she. I cannot stress that enough.
People often ask me “What about love? What happens if you fall for someone else?” And while I may have gotten involved in a bit of a mess with a single boy last year, my answer still remains the same and always will. While I may love S, and he may love me as one of my closest and dearest friends, my life is with Steph. I think if you were to ask any of our close friends, they would say the same. We may have our quirks (polyamory isn’t so common amongst our normal circle of friends), but we are a happily married couple, and plan on staying that way until the end of our days. I am under no illusions that my life would be better with someone else. While S and I might connect with each other very well, I’m sure he’d drive me just as crazy as Steph sometimes does if we were in a long-term relationship. It’s sad how many people are quick to give up on their current relationship for the oohs and awws of a new one that will have its own set of problems. There are days in any relationship that can be challenging, but Steph and I tackle our issues together as a team.
Where do we go from here? Where can we go? One person has made a decision for four. Something that maybe could have been addressed by admitting issues ahead of time has been turned unnecessarily ugly. Sure, rules are rules, even if they’re not clearly laid out. If something’s not working for a couple involved in polyamory, people absolutely have the right to speak up for themselves. No one should feel second best in a primary relationship, or unimportant. That is certainly not the point, and it is unfortunate if that’s what happened here. However, it’s too bad in this situation it had to go down as it did. Someone I love and think of as one of my best friends was forced to do something that hurt him. And in doing so, I had to be hurt as well, meaning that Steph hurts too because he cares about me so much. Instead of conversation, the axe had to fall and cut everyone off at the knees.
Despite my best efforts to do the right thing, at the end of the day, no one can fix someone else’s insecurities. I am a threat, even when I’m trying not to be. I am a bitch, when I’m trying to be the opposite. And I am powerless to change that and can only accept it. Maybe if I hadn’t tried, and had actually been a bitch throughout instead of giving a damn, I wouldn’t feel so helpless.
C’est la vie.
