Winding down from the breakup, starting to feel better. Anyone who knows me well will know that I suffer from annoying anxiety that has been leaving my hands clammy lately and my stomach upset. Thank the stars for the gym at lunch because it seems to set me right again. As much as I try to not be thinking about what’s next for S and I, and as much as I attempt to turn that part of my brain off, it still keeps yakking back there until I hear from him and have a slight sense of calm again.
It hasn’t all been bad lately. While I’m hurting for so abruptly losing my lover, Steph (my husband) and I have talking pretty intensely lately. The other day we were discussing when we got to this point of communicating everything, and it all seems to be a blur to me. I know that when we first opened up our relationship it suddenly became non-stop conversation town, but I don’t believe we were always like that. There was a long period in our relationship where things remained unsaid. I wasn’t happy about how we were relating in the bedroom, but I didn’t say anything about it, convinced that it would just *magically* fix itself.
Put simply, I didn’t complain enough.
Now? I complain all the damn time! Ok ok, the word complain might be a slight exaggeration, I just stand up for myself in the bedroom, and otherwise, and there’s nothing wrong with speaking up for what makes you happy. Losing S as my lover I suddenly realized exactly what turns me on, and how much he brought to my life. What I need to feel like a woman, a sexual being, and not just a wife / best friend. Suddenly I realized, I’m a word person (who knew – 3 blogs, a FB, twitter and a book – I guess I like words). I’ve had attractions form with people simply for what they say to me. When it’s come down to my light BDSM relations, I’ve always been so much more fascinated with the D/s than anything else. The psychology of it, the power of words over anything else. What a turn on! That old song “More Than Words” really doesn’t hold true to me. Yes, people can say anything to you that can be a lie, but to throw myself into those words, and really enjoy them and trust in their meaning is a freeing experience for me.
What Steph and I realized last night is how different we both are. He’s a visual person (again, who knew – artist!). He can look at someone and be turned on if the mood strikes him. Now I’m sure this is true of a lot of guys, and some ladies too, but it’s not me. That’s not to say I can’t appreciate a hot guy or gal, but it takes more to um, er, put me in the mood, so to speak.
Does it mean that I don’t think of my husband and go Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs? Not necessarily. If the mood strikes, anything goes. I’m not a robot and like all of us can react differently to each situation. He is still my husband after all, and I am madly in love with him, as always. I’ve just learned through S that words are really my thang. Steph, the touch man, me, the sentence girl. (We should have capes!)
What a simple, yet overdue realization for the two of us. I have to admit, we’ve often had difficulty in our open marriage for those times when I have connected with other people perhaps in a stronger way than I have with him, but by talking about it, we’ve realized why. It’s not one of those things that can be “fixed” as so many other things have been by our situation. It simply remains innately who we are as people … and that’s ok! We just have to work around it. Realizing that our connection occasionally requires a different approach to others isn’t a bad thing. It might seem like it to an outsider, but if we’re being honest with each other it’s just another opportunity to discover more about each other and ourselves. When we were discussing it last night that’s truly how we felt. Actually happy that we’d figured it out. Hi-fiving almost!
Sometimes it sounds crazy to me. That I can be so strongly mourning an amazing connection I had with S, while at the same time having those feelings help my marital relationship. That I could love S as much as I do, while still being a loving wife to Steph. That Steph could be so ok with me having S in my life and our continued relationship, whatever it is, moving forward. Trust me, it occasionally boggles my mind too.
I still stand behind one of my previous posts on a healthy sex life. Just because I know what really turns me on doesn’t mean that I am to remain clothed until I have the exact perfect formula in front of me. Again … not a robot.
So consider this a positive spin on breaking up with my lover as it’s brought me even closer to my husband. I still miss what S and I have / had. We remain friends – awkwardly indifferent on my end right now – but of course I want more. His words can still bring me to tears right now, and I still think the whole situation is dumb / sad / confusing, but if getting ever closer to my husband is going to be the only positive side effect of all of this, how could I not be somehow (albeit twisted) happy?
I still love this song, it just doesn’t represent me anymore. What can I say though? I’m a sucker for sap.
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=viQWJUoRG50&hl=en&fs=1]
