Recently I spent an afternoon with one of my old, dear friends from college. We hadn’t caught up in a while and there was lots to tell her about the life and times of lil’ old me.
While discussing all the relationships that I’d had in 2008 (see this post for details), I mentioned to her a couple of BDSM relationships I was involved in.
“BD what?” she asks? Oh, she’s cute alright. Thankfully, also completely nonjudgmental. One of the reasons that I haven’t really touched upon the subject of BDSM very much in this blog, is because I just haven’t been ready to share an interest with the world that is so personal. Yes, even Samantha has limits. Lately though, after lots of conversation with Steph and with some new and very important people in our lives, I’ve decided to be brave and share a few thoughts with you on the topic.
In this post I’m going to touch on;
- The anatomy of a sub
- Giving up control
- Getting validation
- Pushing myself
- A sexual state of being
Here goes nothing.
The Anatomy of a Sub, from my point of view
Anyone who knows me well outside of the bedroom probably can’t think of me as having submissive tendencies. I’m a strong woman. I wear the pants in my family, most of the time (even if they’re often disguised as skirts.) I’m a busy girl, with an overly busy mind and that’s what’s key in my occasional desire to give in to someone else’s hand and mind.
When I let someone else take control – and yes, for me I see it as something I do willingly, all of a sudden I don’t have to think anymore. All of the thoughts that are flying around in my head freeze in mid-air.
The idea of escaping into someone else’s decisions is so very powerful. Relaxing. Sexy. Freeing.
If my husband lists off to me all the food in the fridge that we could possibly have for dinner, then my brain has to make yet another decision. If he just makes something for me, my brain gets relief. I (usually) end up happy with whatever I’m given because I didn’t have to think about it.
That’s one aspect, that mental peace.
The second aspect for me comes from the validation that I receive from being a “Good Girl”. I’m not into the slave, humiliation, kiss my boot type of submission. What I’ve learned over time though is how nice it is to get validation from someone that I’ve done a good job. I believe this has a lot to do with the fact that I’m very much an independent woman when left to my own devices.
I left home at 17, my mum left the country, and I had to fend for myself. I’m very comfortable with my own decisions and rarely get feedback or validation for them which is ok. I am perfectly happy to live this way, doing things as I see fit, but when someone tells me that I’m a good girl for doing something as small as having an orgasm, for some reason it means a lot. Someone is paying attention to me, to the details of what I’m doing. It’s the ultimate validation, so I want to do my very best.
Next is the idea of pushing yourself. It can be very easy to let ourselves get away with things. When you work out, do you ever honestly work as hard by yourself as you would with a trainer? I know I don’t. It’s a lot easier to give in to being comfortable without someone pushing you to go further. Same goes in the bedroom. There are some things that you can do in that role that are completely uncomfortable. Ask me if I’d do them on my own, and often I’ll say “No way.” Get me to do them for someone else? Suddenly it’s a different story. Suddenly I want to push myself, to step out of my comfort zone while still feeling safe with the person I’m with.
Lastly comes being sexual. There are many ways to be sexual and those who are dominant can be equally as charged as those who are submissive. Not being the one in control though, and doing what someone asks of you sexually, just for the sake of it, can be a very empowering feeling. Being forced to admit your desires, to show off your body, to please someone else … all of these things to some people can be humiliating. Terrifying, to some degree. By giving into them, the sexuality of just being in the moment and admitting your desires, however filthy they are, can be freeing.
Many subs want to feel special, desired, worthy of another’s passion. When you’re being dominant, you really have to pay attention to detail. Since I’ve played in both roles, when being submissive I appreciate the focus that someone is giving me. They have chosen me as the person to spend time with, the one they want to please them.
There are many types of subs, as there are many types of doms. Some people like to bottom, some people like to top. Some people are heavily involved in the psychology of it all, some are just pain sluts. This anatomy of a sub only touches on the parts that I experience, and there’s more where this came from.
In my next post on this topic, I will talk about BDSM and open relationships. How it can work, and what roadblocks to look out for. It can be challenging for everyone involved, but with a little thought process adjustment, anyone can *cough* master it.
