As if opening up your relationship isn’t sometimes intimidating enough, imagine how it feels when one partner decides to pursue outside BDSM relationships. Without proper communication to discuss the ramifications of this, things can get sticky, so I offer you some thoughts / experience / advice to take with you.
To start with, don’t judge – try not to at least. If your partner comes to you with a sexual fantasy that they want to share with you, the worst thing you can do is make them feel ashamed about it. They are coming to you as a safe place, and to judge them isn’t fair, supportive or helpful. If you do feel that urge to judge when your partner tells you they might like to be dominated or to dominate, get dressed up in latex, or whatever else floats their boat, take some time to think about it before you decide how you feel:
- Does the idea of your partner in a role possibly outside the norm that you know them in scare or intimidate you?
It’s perfectly normal to feel this way. When we are with someone for a period of time, roles become defined. If one partner generally wears the pants more often, it can be scary for the other person to imagine them removing them, pun intended, to allow someone else in. For example, seeing your strong partner desire to be “weak” can do a real mind fuck with you if you don’t try to discover the reasoning behind it.
- Are you worried for what it means to your relationship?
Let’s say your partner gets off on pain but the thought of physically “hurting” them is too much for you to bear. Don’t allow that thought to threaten your security. Remember that when you came into your relationship you were two separate people and it’s ok to have separate interests now.
Open relationships allow us to experience different things with people. We all have friends in our life that exist for their own distinct reasons. This is somewhat an extension of that idea. You don’t have to be the person that smacks them if you’re not comfortable, but trust me, it is definitely fun to experiment. Allow yourself to be open to new thoughts and ideas you might not be initially comfortable with.
- Do you feel that your role is more blurry?
This is a big one. A man I know found himself in a situation where his wife of 20 years became involved with a Master. For a while he was angry often, not being able to deal with the situation as it was. He had to realize that what she wanted was for her, and didn’t reflect on their relationship together. For my husband, the idea of meeting Harvey, when Harvey and I used to have a somewhat d/s relationship, made him feel inferior and unsure of himself and his role as husband to someone who was occasionally submissive.
If your partner wants or is being dominated by another, it’s perfectly understandable that you would feel threatened by this. Chances are that if you are involved or getting into non monogamy you have a pretty equal relationship to begin with. Bring in an outsider who’s going to be dominant with your partner, and you might just feel that they are indirectly dominating you.
BDSM can involve many things. Sometimes it’s psychological play, sometimes strictly physical. Other times a combo of the two, and sometimes just light play. If you are looking to explore these areas while in a relationship, it’s important to sit down and talk it over with your partner.
Recently someone told me that he had realized it wasn’t that he didn’t want to dominate his wife, just that for the longest time he didn’t know how. When you’re so used to the roles you exist in, stepping out of them can be very intimidating, even (translation especially) with the person you feel the safest with. This is why it can be easier to experiment with someone new. The history does not exist and can be formed from scratch as you go. Don’t fault yourself if your partner is able to slip into a new role with someone else. Instead, look at it as an opportunity for some personal growth and reflection. Perhaps time to step outside your comfort zones together.
From my own experiences, when I first discovered an interest in BDSM, my friend Harvey led the way. Realizing that I wanted to please him and make him proud was made all the more obvious when he hauled off and slapped me one night for not doing as he had asked. Of course it was part of play and I enjoyed it thoroughly, but my husband did not act favorably to it. He couldn’t understand why Harvey hit me, and why I enjoyed it. This was a year and a half ago and we’re only now able to start bringing more of this style of play into our relationship.
Once he realized how it made me feel, and the reasons I enjoyed it, he started to come around to embracing it, and stopped judging. Not to say that he’ll ever be fully into it, but that’s ok because he doesn’t have to be. We have been able to let our roles together evolve. He understands why I enjoy it so much (read BD what: Part 1), and I understand his level of comfort with things.
There are no rules that say you must be into everything your partner is. There is nothing that dictates that the two of you must share the same experiences. The only rule I suggest you have is to communicate. Rather than allowing new kinks and fetishes to threaten or intimidate you, look at them as a time to learn and experiment. By taking some pressure of yourselves and taking baby steps, you’ll figure out your new roles sooner than you think.
