… I’m in Romantic Love which occasionally borders on Infatuation, sometimes stepping over into Consumate Love with you.”
Not so much what Stevie Wonder had in mind when he wrote the song. I’ve recently discovered this theory through a friend, and it came at perfect timing as I wanted to write about emotions anyway. Most of us are used to the idea of two types of love. That which you feel for your partner, and that which you feel for your friends / family. One of the questions I’m asked the most is how can we deal with the idea of loving someone else besides our spouse? Isn’t it super scary?
The short answer? Not really. I know! Who knew, right??
Ok, back on track. Psychologist Robert Sternberg wrote on the triangular theory of love, seen below. His theory suggests that there are actually 7 kinds of love, and that for a relationship to be truly successful, consummate love – however hard to maintain – is the model for the “happy couple”. Once you read through all the variations, you’ll probably be able to think of different people in your life and where they fit now or in your past based on this chart.
Rather than reciting them all to you, I recommend you visit the page and read more about the 7 types and then come back. No worries, I’ll wait.
7Types
Back? Great. Open relationships can allow for many new emotions to enter onto the scene. I know my views on love have changed tremendously being in one since September 2006, even before I discovered Sternberg’s theory. Occasionally I like to say that I’m “in love” with some of my friends which to me means that I have a deep respect and admiration for who they are as people, not necessarily anything sexual at all. I realize that this idea of “in love” is quite different than the standard definition. I’m familiar with the idea that I’m a bit quirky though. 
When it does get sexual though, how does one keep it all separate and within the lines? It can be hard to do. I’m never going to say it’s not complicated. Non-monogamy can demand more openness and honesty than you may be used to. More time management and scheduling skills than your Google cal can keep up with. And finally, more demands on your emotions and those of your partner.
Have I ever worried about my feelings for other people? From time to time, sure. There are many things in life that can be easier said than done; keeping feelings in check is sometimes one of them. I’ve learned from experience that sometimes NRE can get the better of me, which is why evaluating my marriage and making sure I’m putting energy into it every day is high up there on my huge to-do list. I’ve stressed before about the idea of choosing who you’re with, and I stand firm behind my choice of being with Steph. I know that there are many paths our lives can take and daydreaming about them causes no harm as long as you can differentiate between fantasy and reality.
As Steph and I spend more time together, our love has sometimes gone in between consummate and companionate love. Years of highs and lows (many more highs than lows in recent years) can sometimes cause the passion to slip away on vacation, but it always comes back, more fierce than it was. There is no reason that we cannot have consummate love with more than one person, though it is definitely a challenge not suited for everyone. Sometimes even I’ve gotten confused with the way I feel about intimate partners. Sometimes it scares me a little … but not much.
I love all of my friends, my family. I even still love S, despite all that bologna we went through in December. Love is a big deal, but it’s also not. We tend to put it on a pedestal, in a cage even. Not wanting to give it out to protect ourselves. Not wanting to receive it … to protect ourselves. But with a little bit of work, letting love in can be a beautiful thing.
Here’s to it.
