I am not an expert.

Recently I’ve gotten a lot of varied feedback about my online presence. Sharing a lot of your life with the web leaves you open to input, good and bad, something I knew when starting this site at a friends’ suggestion:

Hey! You should start a blog!

Yes. It was that simple and un-thought out.

I don’t think that I am the be all and end all of polyamory / non-monogamy advice on the internet. In fact, I know and admire many other writers in the U.S. and across Canada that can do it perhaps better, or with more grace. I disagree 100 % with Steph’s ex who in one of her many recent oh-so-hateful emails said that I see myself as the ‘epitome of open relationship knowledge’ because I am SO not.

It just so happens that I know what works and what doesn’t work, for me. It’s my blog, after all. Sure I call it a guide, just like the book that I’m writing is also a guide, but lots of people write those based on their research and experience. When people commend me on my bravery for sharing my stories online I appreciate it, but I still don’t get the big deal. I mean I DO get it, it’s not that common, but it seems to me that it should be which is why it’s sometimes weird to get recognition for it. (I think there’s a chance I live on another dimension). Note, this isn’t me fishing for compliments. I am very lucky in that I’ve heard so many of them over the past few years. I’ve also heard many insults because when you expose yourself to so many people you invite criticism in. Such is the life I have chosen for myself.

Knowing that people read and enjoy my blog, I will admit, makes me happy. On the times when I’m not just verbally diarrhea-ing all over this site, I do try to put some thought into it. Sometimes blog posts take me days and days to write. Something which drives me crazy to no end and I’m working on changing. (If it takes that long to blog, how can I EVER expect to finish the book!?) I try to have my stories show both sides to make them more relatable for you, my curious readers. At the very least you can see that someone else is going through some of the same trials and tribulations that you are. Or that people in open relationships can be pretty normal (ish). I share my name and my life because it doesn’t make any sense to me not to. Where it came from, I don’t know as my mum is a pretty private person and my dad and I were never close enough while he was alive for me to determine how much he shared with the world and how much he kept close to his chest.

I share because I don’t know any other way. There’s a lovely guy on okC who’s recently read my blog from start to finish. He says he has a crush on me for my honesty and I’m flattered. Though when I’m on dates, that honesty makes me ramble like an absolute idiot, like when I went out recently on a first date with a new gal.

At the end of the day, I’m flattered to have helped some of you. As a relationship coach, I believe it’s not my purpose to be an expert on everything. I should be able to help others reach their potential if they want to, and hopefully NYMP is able to do that. But really, I’m just a girl like any other.

Me being very just a girl with smeared makeup and a messy bedroom.

I burp, I fart, I make mistakes. I forget my friends’ birthdays to make drink plans with others (sorry Tara!). I don’t put away my laundry and sometimes I blank out at work. I strive to be a great friend but sometimes I can be the worst. I have such a strong fear of rejection that I don’t know how to flirt with people I haven’t met online, or deal with friends when things become unfamiliar. Sometimes, I totally suck at polyamory and have no concept of how to follow my own advice. I’ve done bad things under the influence of hormones and dating intoxication that have hurt people. I watch porn and sometimes sneak orgasms without my husband around because I want to be lost in a daydream about someone else. I can be selfish and self absorbed or want things for myself that I have a hard time with Steph having. I’ve been friends with / dating a man whose wife doesn’t know I exist for almost three years. There are moments I expect the world to lay down at my feet, and other times I expect no one to notice me and wonder why they would. I suck big donkey balls when it comes to returning emails. I get embarrassed when people consider me a (very very minor) online celebrity or tell me that they read my blog even though that’s partially the point of this entire operation. I am sorry when I hurt people and it haunts me for a long, long time though I forgive those that hurt me far too easily.

In short, I am not an expert. My name is Samantha and I can’t be bothered to use a paper diary anymore so I type things here and hope they amuse you at least a little.

And if they don’t, I have to ask … Why’d you read so far??

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