As it’s a bit difficult for me to completely understand what being single and poly is like, (only ever experiencing a variation of it when dating someone in a relationship), I was lucky to find out that Ruby had just written a great essay about her experiences between both polyamorous and single.
Her perspective is fantastic, acknowledging both the good and the bad sides of what this interesting dynamic can bring.
Enjoy!
Poly and Single
If I had to stick a couple of labels on myself, they would include the following: mother, friend, daughter, writer, lover, volunteer, eccentric, etc. They would also include a combination of two words that seem to confuse the Hell out of the general population when put together side by side: ‘poly’ & ‘single’.
As of late, I keep getting the question – ‘How can you be considered poly AND single at the same time?’ This is usually followed by a puzzled look, a cocking of the head, and another question- ‘Isn’t being poly and single just ‘regular’ dating?’ Allow me to do my best to clarify, from my own personal point of view.
I can see why calling myself both poly & single may be confusing to people especially as the notion of being poly itself is far too much for a lot of folks to wrap their heads around; & by no means do I intend that statement to be insulting or sarcastic.
In Western society we are conditioned from childhood to believe that monogamous relationships are the norm, and that anything outside of that norm is generally unacceptable or wrong in some way. It can take a great deal of time to free oneself of that restrictive way of thinking. Another big reason I feel like the ‘poly & single’ label may be perplexing is that it’s not exactly a common title even amongst folks in the poly community; some of them find it really odd.
So what does being poly and single mean to me? Well, for starters it means I have no partner, primary or otherwise. I have lovers (some long-term, some short-term, some occasional), and I have people I care for (some on a very deep level, some more casually), but I do not have anyone that I would call a boyfriend / girlfriend, I do not live with anyone, and I am not married.
From a dating aspect, it means that I am open & completely upfront about being poly and my poly lifestyle; this means that everyone I become involved with (or may become involved with) is 100% aware of who I am from the very beginning, and they have a choice as to whether or not they wish to become part of this lifestyle. I doubt many monogamous folks feel the need to say to a date/prospective date “Hi, my name is blank, I do blank for a living, I like blank blank and blank, and oh-by the way, I’m monogamous. Are you ok with that?’” … at least I never felt the need to express my monogamous nature when I used to identify as such! Sometimes this honesty has resulted in rejection, but it’s only fair that I tell the truth from the get-go.
So what would some of the advantages and disadvantages of being poly & single be, you may inquire? Let me sort out my thoughts in some easy-to-read, easy-on-your-eyes point form … er, points:
Advantages of Being Poly & Single
- I have no partner to answer to, and therefore feel as if I have more freedom. Of course I respect my lovers & the relationships I have with them, and there are absolutely still negotiations to be done, but what I mean by that is that there is no primary or boyfriend/girlfriend that I must account my actions to. I can date orhave relations with anyone or as many people as I want, and the only person’s opinion I need be concerned with is my own. (Safer sex is always practiced, as it should be in any type of relationship, particularly where multiple partners are involved.)
- I’m already ‘out’ and open about my status, so I can avoid the (often painful) process of coming out as a couple. (I also get to avoid the annoying ‘But HOW does an open/poly relationship work?’ questions, which I’m sure some of my friends / lovers involved in those types of relationships can relate to.
- By identifying as a single poly female, holy cats! Have I ever become popular! & I don’t mean that in a pretentious way – maybe some folks are simply equating ‘single poly female’ with ‘fucks everything that walks’ (which I don’t, by the way-but I could if I wanted to!)…but oh boy, did my dating life ever flourish when I came out publicly. Up until recently, I’d never dated this much in my entire adult life – and damned if I’m not having a helluva lot of fun doing it.
Disadvantages of Being Poly & Single
- I often feel as if I have no control in the relationships I do have (with some exceptions-but there are exceptions to everything, no?) I am always at the whim of my lovers partners, and this both terrifies me and gives me a great feeling of utter disdain (Forgive my maudlinism, there). For example: If lover x’s husband/wife decides that they are no longer comfortable with my relationship to their spouse (or the terms under which our relationship lies) I can do nothing but respect their wishes and back out gracefully, regardless of my feelings for lover x.
I am painfully aware of this lack of control, but there is nothing to be done about it as I have zero interest in contributing to the breakdown/dissolution/fucking up of someone elses’ partnership.
- Despite my usual preference for being rather solitary (as opposed to the social butterfly most people assume me to be), being poly and single can be a damned lonely place. Sometimes sleeping alone the overwhelmingly vast majority of the time can be horribly depressing. Sometimes I get jealous because *I* want the cutesy pictures with someone on Facebook, or the road trips, or the sharing of simple daily life experiences. I don’t get to wake up in the arms of my lover because he/she is at home with their wife/husband/partner. I suppose a lot of these feelings are akin to what I and a lot of other folks would feel if they were just ‘plain’ single, but it doesn’t make it suck any less. You need a thick skin to survive the dating game, no matter how you play it.
So as of this moment in time, the advantages outweigh the disadvantages for me (though the disadvantages I listed are some pretty major ones to deal with … however, I feel life’s happier moments wouldn’t be as meaningful without some struggles in comparison to balance everything out.) I am incredibly lucky to have been with some amazing people in the past, and to have the great fortune to be involved with some truly amazing people right now.
It’s entirely plausible that I’ll be involved in a partnership of my own one day, but that day isn’t today (& not likely tomorrow, either!) Until I minus the ‘single’ part of the equation from the ‘poly & single’ title, I expect I’ll feel the need to keep explaining myself – But now I’ll have a clearer explanation, and I hope you all do now, too.
