Sample chapter: Coming Out Poly

As a special treat, I’ve decided to share with you a condensed version of a chapter out of my book, Not Your Mothers’ Playground, that I’m hoping on finishing in the next few months. I’ve been meaning to write a post about coming out poly for a while now, and when I realized I’d already written it, I thought it seemed the best time to share with you.

I hope you enjoy this sample condensed chapter of the book. If you want to get on the mailing list to stay up to date on when the book is released so that you can read the entire thing, please message me at notyourmothersplayground@gmail.com.

Coming out as a couple.

Coming out and revealing your new lifestyle to family and friends possibly seems like a very overwhelming concept. Especially if your life up until now has been pretty standard societal fare; getting together, maybe getting married, possibly buying a house, or at least being quite serious. Why should you tell your family and friends when it’s bedroom business? There’s no rule to say that you should, it comes down to every individual couple’s level of comfort. You might feel better keeping the details of last week’s foursome to yourself, but telling people about your overall choice might be rewarding for you.

Coming out as a single poly.

Being single and poly can often bring the harshest judgments. A girl I know is dating a married man, but not his wife and she is constantly hearing snarky comments from those around her. They tell her she can do better, that she shouldn’t let him take advantage of her, that he’ll never really be with her because he has a wife already. Funnily enough, she’s ridiculously happy with him. Even knowing how happy she is though hearing this sort of thing can certainly wear on you, and there’s nothing that makes it easier except knowing that your skin will get tougher. Eventually you’ll tune those people out, or you’ll be able to find others that accept your choices because they are a part of you.

Embracing your new selves

If you’re like many people in modern society, you’ve grown up with the image of man and wife getting married, living happily ever after. Even though times they are a-changing, we still have some programming deep within ourselves that needs to be undone.

Accepting my new open self was an interesting journey. Everything that Steph and I were feeling we were beginning to read in books and online articles. Still, I questioned my new path. If it felt so right, how come I hadn’t thought of it before? Here’s some questions and answers that might help you come out … to yourself:

Is this just a phase? Maybe. Maybe not. Would it really be so bad if this were your new identity?

Does this make me a freak? Of course not. There are so many other crazy things in the world that you could be doing to make yourself a freak, don’t worry about wanting to enjoy a happy sex life and relationships as part of that! Call me crazy but the idea of enjoying myself and wanting to share my life with other people that want me makes me feel perfectly normal, never freakish.

Do I have to always be open? Do you have to always have long hair? No, of course not. Your dating life is just like any other aspect of your self. If you can ask yourself what you would like for dinner, you can ask yourself how many you’d like at the table. You might end up in a relationship where you don’t want to date anyone outside of it at some point. As long as you’re happy and living in the present, that’s what matters.

Will God still love me? Now I’m an atheist, but for those of you who worry about this one and are feeling guilty about wanting more than one partner, here’s my personal belief. God should still love you, regardless of who’s in your bed, because, well you’re awesome. You are awesome, aren’t you?

Am I awesome? I thought we just covered this!

Mom, Pops & Aunt Judy

Telling the family. Doesn’t this sound like the most fun you could have on a Friday night? If by that I mean it’s about the same as a root canal, then yes. Fun times await. It’s possible that you have a family you will never be able to tell. The new generation of polyamorous and open folk often stem from families still rooted deeply in the nuclear family ideal. Your decision to tell them really rests on how much of your life you choose to share. Personally, I realized early on into my open life that this was more than who I am in the bedroom and that being open makes up such a large part of me. Therefore I had to share.

When I told my mum, I had been open for about eight months. It was important to me that I knew enough about what I was doing to tell her with confidence. I didn’t want her to worry, as I suspected that a lot of parents would. When it finally came to light, she knew that I had something to tell her and had decided she wanted to guess my secret:

“Ok, you’re in an open marriage and you’re bisexual and Steph’s a little bit as well.”

Except for Steph being bi, she hit that nail square on the head. Since that chat, she will occasionally ask me how my ‘lifestyle’ is going. It’s unfortunate that we live across the ocean from each other as I’m positive that if we were geographically closer she would feel more comfortable with the situation. Every now and then I’ll get a little warning about how people can switch partners, and hearts can get broken and I have to remind her that the swinging 60’s and 70’s are a far cry from the ‘lifestyle’ that I am in. This is not my mother’s playground after all.

There are some things that I have trouble talking to her about. For instance, during one extended phone conversation my mum asked me about being bisexual. My reflex was to instantly become as straight as possible, deny all interest in girls, and girly bits and say what I thought she wanted to hear.

If I’d thought a little harder about it I would have remembered something she said to me in the kitchen when I was about 15 years old.

“Darling I don’t care which way you swing as long as you’re honest.”

Good ol’ Mum.

Telling my mother in law did not feel as easy. Steph and I took a lot longer to tell her, completely unsure of how she would react. I was worried that she would resent me. She loves her sons dearly so to discover that her daughter-in-law is out there loving up on other people might have caused some awkward times. However it seems we did not give her enough credit because when we did tell her – by handing her over a copy of my interview on polyamory in the National Post, one of Canada’s nationwide newspapers – she was amused and started to regale us with naughty stories from her youth.

Steph just about fell off his chair.

That same article was presented to us one Christmas by Steph’s uncle at a family party. We were asking why he had called us the ‘modern couple’ in the email invitation that went round. He said he had been reading the paper and up popped our picture.

“That’s my nephew!” he exclaimed.

Then we all had a drink.

A lot of our family, extended, step, original, are on Facebook. We list ourselves as being married, because well, we are! But I don’t shy away from sharing blog posts or interviews on my page, knowing that everyone can see it. By us being normal about it, not shoving it down people’s throats but not trying to hide it either, so far things have been fine. People ask if they want to know, but most of the time they keep their questions to themselves. Typical family style, I’d say!

You might not have the same luck that we have had. Religion, tradition, and an unwillingness to adapt with the times may make it next to impossible to share your new selves with your family which totally sucks. Being unfairly judged or outcast is not fair and I hope that this isn’t your experience. If however you do find yourself up against some impossibly steep walls, here are some facts to remember, that I am pretty confident are true, or at the very least applicable to some of you.

Your family loves you. They might also love Jesus to the degree where nothing is done without his invisible permission, or they’ve just grown too accustomed to the pickles up their asses to have any interest in removing them.

They want you to reassure them that it’s ok. This is exactly the vibe I get from my mum when we speak. Even if she wasn’t a big hippie back in the day and not as relaxed about it as she is now, she would still want to know that her daughter is ok. That’s generally how parents roll. Even those with the hardest asses.

Despite appearances and what you might be so used to feeling, these people don’t own you. Be grateful to your family for raising you, feeding you and putting a roof over your head but don’t forget at the end of the day to live your life for yourself.

Friends and Party People

If we’ve done it right, our friends are more like our family. Outside of our co-workers, these are the people we strive to spend the most time with. We have friends for all occasions, drinking, dancing, staying in, being dramatic, being calm and bestest friends forever, or BFFs as the kids say.

Most people have friends they have known for years. Over the years things change, and you might find those that you are really loyal to, you don’t have that much in common with. Understandably, you might not want to come out to them, but they also might be really willing to listen, considering your history.

Telling our friends was a slow process. A few people knew already since being open for me started when I worked at Starbucks … with friends. It became somewhat of an exciting journey for them. If I had a dollar for every time someone’s told me they like living vicariously through me, I’d be one rich gal.

What we have learned from our friends is that some of them want to know what’s going on, and others don’t. We’ve learned to respect everyone’s boundaries, realizing that some people might not be comfortable with our choices but they still want us in their lives, and that’s important. Some of our best friends don’t practice polyamory and we enjoy our differences. It makes for interesting conversation!

The thing that works for us the best is just being normal about it. You may choose to be more secretive or selective with your bedroom business, but we have found that if we treat our dating lives as a normal thing and not something taboo, the people we know are that much more comfortable. We don’t push it down their throats but we don’t pretend it doesn’t exist. It’s as normal to us as their lives are to them.

Everyone else

You’re with some friends, they know about your relationship status, but these strangers don’t. If you’re like me, you’ll have some over excited friends who like to tell your stories for you and will introduce you by your relationship first, name second. There are sometimes when I do wish that I could tell my own story and not have a friend blabbermouth it, but luckily for me, I like talking about my open marriage – you may have guessed this already though!

What do you do when someone else decides to share your secrets? This can be pretty annoying, speaking from experience. Just because I’m comfortable talking about something with people I know doesn’t mean that they have the right to share with others. What can you do, really once the secret is out? Best to take a quiet moment to talk to your friend and ask them to check with you next time.

Next we move onto all the other people in your life, coworkers, the postman, or woman, etc.. Coworkers are a big one; we can spend more time with people we work with than we do our own partners and friends. Depending on your place of work, most people would probably advise you to keep your personal life out of the workplace, and I’d have to agree. Unless it’s something that you find really necessary, as in “Hello friendly receptionist. My other girlfriend might be dropping by later. Don’t worry, I’m not having an affair. Susie fucks her too.”

When Steph and I worked together at a since defunct local video game studio we were friends with a lot of the other employees and I felt quite comfortable. At first we weren’t going to tell them, but then it just started to become normal to us and so we shared. Slowly at first, with those we were closest to. We were really surprised with the reactions we got. No one was noticeably put off by it. Some were intrigued, others just wanted to know where we were going for lunch.

As I’ve said before though, I was lucky. I also indirectly told the bosses at my next job when they interviewed me. I said I was writing a book, they wanted to know the topic. 1 + 1 being two, I think they figured it out. I realize as well that it’s much easier for me to tell people about my open relationship. I write about it, people ask me what I write about. Bingo bango, secret revealed.

It probably won’t be as easy for you. People are programmed to judge. There will be questions, snarky comments, things that make you question yourself and, if applicable your partner.

At the end of the day, it is your bed to sleep in.