Through My Looking Glass

It’s been a while since I turned the mirror on myself for a little self-examination and I think I’m overdue so here goes.

Most of you already know. I’ve been in an open marriage for 3.5 years and it probably saved my relationship, or at the very least saved from a life of denying that I was unhappy when it truth I must have been when I think of how ridiculously happy I am now. (I mean it only makes sense!)I’ve gone from severe sluttery to love to brief BDSM relationships and back again. I’ve fallen in love at various levels on multiple occasions. I’ve drunkenly slept with friends, I’ve had strangers tie me up, I’ve been the crazy girl that’s been probably rightfully dumped and I’ve given so much of myself that I’ve lost focus and didn’t treat everyone as well as I could’ve. When I look back, it’s easy to skim over the memories, but holy shit it freaks me out when I really think about the past few years.

When I fell for the sous chef in 2007, I fell crazy hard. He was the first guy to affect me emotionally in a serious way. Looking back, it was the craziest lust I’d ever felt up to that point, but we were pushed into it … he didn’t own a couch. Lying down was the only option!! When he called things off, I went um, slightly off the deep end. In our relationship I had become the crazy one. My first official open marriage break-up and my brain imploded. I’d had no training for that, I was a total newb! It’s totally embarrassing when I look back on it.

Even after my first breakup the second big one with the Kids hit me really hard. There’s nothing like being helpless as someone tells you of their decision to change your life’s direction. Trying to hold it together at home as a wife while feeling like a freshly dumped single person is challenging beyond belief.

Luckily, there haven’t really been too many heartaches in our house. We’ve had some challenges, some situations that worked out not in our favor, and some people who have left our lives as quickly as they’ve come in but not with animosity. Or at least, not much.

Strangely, my longest relationship this entire time has been with Harvey. He’s cheating. I’m open. He’s a liar. I tell the truth so much I get myself in trouble. I have no excuse and neither does he, but I’m content with it because he means a lot to me.

And then there’s the current crew, and they’re not going anywhere. The Drapers are the “Forever” that the Kids never stood a chance at being. While it’s been an occasionally tumultuous year and a bit, my love for the two of them is constantly growing. And it seems that everyone’s individual relationships within the dynamic of the four of us are strengthening too, which is fantastic and lately we’ve had more individual dates. I don’t know if we’ll partake in any group nakedness again, or girl + girl, but I don’t worry about them not being around for a long time to come so who knows. As for other peeps, Kitty might not always be in my bedroom, but she’s a dear friend and kindred spirit for life. And the same goes for the rest of the crew. You know who you are.

Sadly there are some relationships that didn’t work out this year already. Some people I had hopes for getting closer with / sharing polyamory stories / sometime sharing beds with didn’t like me as I’d wished. Or did, but I fucked it up. Or maybe they do and I didn’t, but I’m too dumb to figure it all out so it’s gone in a completely different direction than I had hoped. I really don’t know, to be honest.

Such is life. I can only talk about it so much before I talk myself into a deep underground grave.

I think I’ve gotten a handle on it all now though, kind of. Steph and I are amazing. We deal with jealousy and time management with a lot more ease than when we first started. Our sex life has improved by a mile and we understand each other now. I mean, really understand each other.

When I look back at myself over the past few years, I know I’ve been the same person all the way through; I’m just so much more complete now. I’ve realized now how important it is to be with people who either aren’t newbs to the whole situation OR to have extra patience with those that are, if I want to be with them for any length of time.

If I look at my reflection in the looking glass now, I hope that it finally shows a woman who loves as much as she can, is one helluva dirty bitch, and is worth knowing, even if just a little or just for a while.