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Parachute

By samantha, on June 22nd, 2010

Something I’ve realized lately: I don’t want to be anyone’s escape relationship. It makes me feel icky and kinda’ sad.

In 2007 when I was dating the sous-chef, I know now that he was a total escape for me. Only 8 months into being open, Steph and I didn’t really know what we were doing – as only experience can bring complete knowledge – so rather than talking about some issues, or even knowing they existed, I threw myself head first into my secondary relationship, which eventually scared him off. WAY off.

Thinking about it now I totally get the chef’s side. Knowing that someone enjoys being with me because we’re “easy” isn’t enough. I want to know that I’m awesome to them just as I am, not when held up against current or past relationships. Comparison is natural, we all do it, but I’m a big advocate of enjoying something for what it is, not because it is what something else isn’t.

I completely understand comparison dating. Non-monogamy allows us to find people that might be different then our current partner, should we have one. Husband doesn’t spank you? Find someone that does. Girlfriend won’t go to the game with you? Find someone that does.

Enjoy them for what they bring to you, but don’t treat them as your escape route because when the other person can see through it; well it’s just not very fun to be a parachute.

Communication, Dating, Issues, Open relationships, Polyamory, Realizations Series
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  • OrangeYaGlad

    No, it isn’t fun to be a parachute relationship if it comes at the wrong time in your life, but at the same time, sometimes a parachute relationship is what is necessary.

    I think the true goal would be to make sure that the secondary knows that you value them *for* the escape they can provide, and make sure each of you are on the same page as to the life expectancy of the parachute. Is this a momentary distraction, is this a one-time flight that will end in solid ground, or is this a parachute that will be folded up and used time and time again when the need for space overcomes either of your souls?

    Being the parachute *can* be fun, if you are both open and honest about the dynamic you want the relationship to have. It’s when the one yelling “Geronimo!” is trying to do so quietly and covertly that the pain can arise… but then the pain boils down to just being used. Being used as a parachute has little to do with it, in my opinion.

  • Samantha

    Oh I definitely agree that having an escape relationship can be fun and good, especially when both parties are open and honest about it. My annoyance comes from those situations where it wasn’t the intention and then it becomes that … dragging on, and dragging you down.

  • http://topsy.com/notyourmothersplayground.com/2010/06/parachute/?utm_source=pingback&utm_campaign=L2 Tweets that mention Parachute «Not Your Mothers Playground — Topsy.com

    [...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Lucius Scribbens, NYMP. NYMP said: Parachute: I don't want to be someone's escape relationship. http://is.gd/cZnU8 New blog post. #polyamory [...]

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