I always fool myself into thinking that after the last epic conversation that Steph and I have, there won’t be anymore.
And every time I do that, I’m wrong.
Last weeks’ chat was a big one, and the focus was on sharing. Not of lovers, or bathroom time, but of our thoughts; what we’re thinking at any given moment. Over the years of being open I’ve found myself drawn to people who comment on the things they observe in life. Sometimes, like Don, they have amazing powers of observation and memory retention – (though I’m sure not always in his home life!!) and make me feel on top of the world by saying something they’ve noticed, or intuitively knowing the next move.I’ve also seen first hand how others can react as Harvey once was taken aback and truly complimented when he understood how well I really knew him just by a few words that I said.
Sharing observations and thoughts about those around you and the world is important to me and it’s often gotten me down when Steph doesn’t do it. He appears to often live in a dum dee dum world, not being aware of the people around him. Turns out that isn’t the case, but there’s an absolute disconnect in what he’s thinking and what he puts out there.This is where I might start to sound like a whiny girl, so please just go along for the ride.
Steph’s pretty good at telling me; if I’ve fixed myself up and we’re heading out, “You look great tonight.” which is always appreciated. I’m very aware that there are other people who never hear those words from their partners so I am grateful for it. However … what I’d love to hear, and do hear from others, is all the in-between the compliments thoughts.
The private thoughts to himself where he might notice the softness of my skin, or the fullness of my lips. Those moments where he’s slightly taken aback by something that he loves about me. Something that, unless he actually says so, I’ll never know he’s thinking.
You’d assume that being with someone for so long, I would know when he’s thinking this stuff, but as he’s always kept his observations to himself, unless prompted, I’m often in the dark. I’m a big “enjoyer of moments” and it sometimes makes me sad when I think that he either isn’t or just doesn’t know how to express his feelings about them.
But we’re working on it!
The other thing that came up was his restlessness. We were sitting in the backyard, enjoying dinner and then suddenly like that … he was done. He gobbles up his food like nobody’s business where as I take a cue from my English roots and like to savor my food and time, content for my food to get cold. Once he’s finished though, his eyes start moving around, scanning the area anxiously and it stresses me out. Rather than just sitting there and being in that moment, he’s admitted to overanalyzing what to do next. “What should I do? What should I say?” It comes across in his facial expressions so much that I end up getting cranky; annoyed that we couldn’t just “be”.
Rather than worry about saying the right thing, or even saying anything at all, Steph knows now that I am perfectly content with silence sometimes. Or walking with no destination. (He’s always been anti-walking unless he’s got somewhere to go.) We don’t have to be doing anything important, sometimes just doing nothing is enough.
Other times we’ll want to do our own thing, and that’s cool too. We might both want to veg and be in our own heads. There’s nothing wrong with doing nothing separately, together. But if it’s happening because he’s stressing himself out about doing the wrong thing and then giving up because he can’t decide, that’s when I have a problem.
So at the end of the chat, which lasted off and on through out the day, we both had some things to work on. He’s going to try and be more proactive and tell me his thoughts. Even if he’s thinking some weird visual observation about his environment that will likely bore me. And I’m going to try to not be so bored … when he does because it’s practice for when he tells me other stuff.
Like … “Damn woman, bring that ass over here!”
Or, y’know … whatever.
