It’s true. Relationships ARE hard … um, yo. It doesn’t matter if you’re dating or married or long-distance, dealing with another person (or people) while trying to live one life together with different personalities can be really, really challenging. Whether you love/fuck other people or remain monogamous, the grass can often appear so much greener on any other side compared to the one you’re on.
But is it really?
Complaining about our relationships is easy. Outside of our jobs, where we live or where we’re from, we are defined by them. When our situation isn’t fulfilling our every desire we bash it. We dis the relationship and the other person or people involved. Hopefully not behind their backs as that never solves anything, but complaining is often our natural instinct. Human nature is to focus on the bad first instead of the good. Think about gossiping with your friends. Most people share the dirt before they get to the “Oh yay, what great news!”
It’s tough when you’re in a long-term relationship to keep that spark alive. Our lives become a business with finances to deal with. Events to schedule. Houses to clean and laundry to wash. There is always something to do and it can be so easy to gravitate to the to-do list instead of romance, a date or even a quick fuck. Or towards someone else with whom you don’t have to do any household business with, besides getting busy.
We tend to forget that those we love are also our lovers. That they feel and dream and want just as we do. And the biggest trap that we can fall into? When we become the same person, ignoring our own and each other’s individuality.
It happened to Steph and I during the first 6 years of our relationship. We had become this amazing marital unit, wanting the same things and doing everything together. On paper it seemed great: each other’s “better half”. I don’t want to be in a relationship with half a person though, and I certainly don’t want to be known as just a half myself. As we opened up and discovered new personal identities, it was very challenging to accept that we had opinions that occasionally differed from each other’s.
Used to loving all the same things, or thinking we did because we had become complacent, we quickly realized that we each dealt with polyamory differently. I wasn’t as easy-going as he was. He wasn’t into the same things that I was. How could this be?? It didn’t make any sense to us at first or quite a long time after we first opened up. If I was feeling unloved, or my feelings hurt he didn’t understand. He wouldn’t feel that way if the roles were reversed, so obviously there was something wrong with me. And when he didn’t have the same slutty urges that I had, well obviously there was something wrong with him.
The shoe would never even fit on the other foot, never mind being good to walk a mile in.
We’d have to talk, and talk and talk. Then when we were done talking, we’d talk some more. This is what I mean by hard work. Talking is exhausting. Communicating your feelings, while listening and hearing someone else’s is tough. There is 100% no getting around that. Personally, I love it. Having a strong connection with someone because we’re able to push through issues and have intense, deep and challenging chats kinda’ gets my brain off. That might not be the case for you, but if you’re in an open relationship you’ve probably got no choice.
Here are some quick tips for relationship communication that can apply to anyone, non-monogamous or not:
- Just because you like the same sushi place doesn’t mean you’re going to react the same way to things. YOU ARE NOT THE SAME PERSON!
- It’s 100% ok for you to feel something that your partner doesn’t. And if your partner feels something and you don’t understand it, you don’t have to. All you need to do is acknowledge them. Let them know you support them feeling whatever it is they’re going through and do your best to help them deal with it.
- On that note, ask how you can help. What might work to fix something for you could be completely different for them. Perhaps they don’t even want to fix it. I know that one might be weird to you fixers out there. Some of us are ok with being broken as long as we know we have a soft place to fall. Be that soft place!
- Do not make the other person feel like an asshole for not being as emotionally strong as you are, or for needing more romance in their life than you do. You have different brain make-up. Don’t blame me, blame science!
- Don’t whine about your needs. Understand that your partner is different and will do better if you explain it from your perspective without blaming them.
- Support each other and try to learn: You might not get it at first, or at second … fuck, you might never get it, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try. Using the “we’re not the same person” explanation is definitely not an excuse to not try to grow with your partner.
- If you say something, mean it. Your lover has every right to take the words from your mouth to be truth. If you don’t mean what you say, faking it will get you nowhere.
And finally for everyone’s sake, do not shut down. Accept the fact that communication is hard and suck it the hell up. I’m not saying you can’t have a successful-ish relationship without talking through your issues, but if they’re issues that really bother you, ignoring them or giving up isn’t going to make them go away. If you’ve convinced yourself that it doesn’t matter, then hey, more power to you (I guess?), but if you truly do want to fix them, then talking is kind of the only real way to do so. Once you get over that fact you might start to enjoy it.
Who knows? Maybe the conversations you have will make you both strive harder to find a solution or a common ground that works for all. A little bit of hard work can go one helluva long way and the rewards can be huge. A couple of years of intense chats later and Steph and I rarely need to have them anymore!
Which is good ‘cos really … relationships are hard, yo!
