The Massive Brad Update or “Cockward” for Short

When I tell most people about my relationship with Brad, they’re confused. How is it possible that I’ve been dating someone for almost four months and I’ve only seen him naked – or almost naked – once? (twice now, since last night!)

It’s not my normal M.O. to wait this long. Not that I jump into bed with people immediately, but sex and sex acts are – I’ll say accomplished – relatively early on in most of my relationships, once I meet them in person.

I like it this way. I’m a sexual woman and while I enjoy hugs and smooches, I’ve always tried to monitor my audience when it comes to how much affection I dole out to people. Some people are more comfortable than others with the hugs, the touches, the leg grabs, the “whoops! I’m rubbing your junk”. Others would prefer that you don’t, just don’t. As I age, I’m realizing that I have an innate need to both give and receive affection and it’s not going away. A recent movie date with Brad was lovely, but it was a lot of me touching him and him being indifferent. When I thought back to the another time that we were at his place a few weeks prior, and we snuggled while he played with my hair, it didn’t align with his lack of affection at the movies and left me confused. When I’m attracted to someone that is hopefully attracted to me I don’t want to feel unsure or awkward. But with Brad that’s exactly what I often do feel.

In fairness, for just about two months that we’ve known each other in person and not just on the Twitter, I have been dealing with my strep-throat-rash-infection-hospital-illness which has certainly put a damper on sexy times. It’s hard for me to feel attractive when I’m covered in an allergic reaction. Totally surprising, I know!

A few weeks ago Brad and I were talking about the two of us. I hesitate to call it a relationship discussion because he reacted adversely to the word – though every interaction with humans, big or little, is technically a relationship. I asked him why he knowingly got involved with someone who is obviously very sexual if he’s not that interested in the sexing. He said that he wanted to get to know me outside of my sexuality that I put all over the internet. I countered it by suggesting that my sexuality online is only a portion of the whole story. That there’s no way I can tweet my reactions to a hand on my neck, or deep inside of me. That he could get to know other sides of my personality and self at the same time as fucking me silly. Other people seem to be able to see my sexuality AND get to know me at the same time. Why can’t he?While I disagreed with his methods I still took it as a compliment, albeit a strange one. He wants to get to know the things about me that you folk don’t get to see. The things that make up the entirety of Samantha Fraser, or as much as someone who’s not my husband can know. Though I don’t think you can selectively edit which parts of a person you’re dating you get to see; combined with the constant teasing promise of there being more to come, it’s nice to have someone want to get to know me as a human really well.

This is one of the reasons that I’m still around. Brad has become someone I would consider close to me, that I care about. He sees vulnerable sides of me related to both sex and non sex. He’s become a valuable addition to my male voices of reason group (currently made up of Steph, Arthur, Brad and, as of course Harvey). So it’s not like I could just walk away from him for making our sex life impossible, though I’ve certainly thought about it – for the sake of my sanity – a couple of times. When he flirts one day intensely and then another says goodbye without so much as a hug, I find myself in flirty friend zone purgatory, not sure what move to make next. I think it would be easier if I knew that he did it on purpose, but I’m pretty sure he’s just often oblivious.One part of the problem that is completely my fault (though I’m inclined to blame the stars for this one, because well, fuck you Aries traits), is how much I love a challenge. Is it the thrill of the chase? The humiliation? The hunt for approval? Perhaps a little of all. I want to break down aloof behaviors. I want to find the truths behind indifference. I want people to admit what they’re really thinking because I fucking love rawness. When he suggests with a sly smile in person or while gchatting (shut up, he totally smiles slyly while we gchat) that we’re going to do some naughty things together, at some point, maybe one day, possibly the next time we see each other, or maybe next week, but likely sometime soon, perhaps, possibly, maybe … well, that gives me something to work toward and it keeps me on edge.

Then we’re together and suddenly I lose any confidence, any swagger, any smoothness I may have ever possessed because I have no idea what the fuck to do next.

I think it’s fair to say that most of us probably feel a little anxious being sexually vulnerable with someone new. I certainly do, but I can get over it if I’m certain that they’re into me. With Brad, while I’m certain that he’s into me as a person, I’ve rarely been convinced that he’s into me sexually. But he IS into the fact that I’m into him because Leos, well they run on ego. (In case you’re counting, that’s now TWO astrology references. Go ahead and call the internet authorities.) It’s so strange to know that someone totally likes me and then at the same time think they don’t like me at all for something else. Is it fat girl insecurities? Is it possibly true? Is it that he’s an emotional sadist and takes some pleasure in seeing me awkward? Is it that we actually don’t have very good sexual chemistry? Is it that he maybe sucks with women?

I’ve had moments of thinking that it’s at least every single one of those things, if not a combo of a few of them. I think now though, that he just has weird methods that might not totally mesh with mine, but he doesn’t run when I talk to him about it, which means a lot and suggests that we can make it work. A relationship cannot sustain itself based on one person’s want alone and maybe he just displays his want in a different way. While I might have amazingly easy chemistry with other people, perhaps this is a great example of how non-monogamy can bring so many new things to the table.

In fairness to him, it was he who removed his clothing first last night. It was also he who kissed me first, as it actually often is. I don’t know how to deal when he just lies there and lets me “have at him”, as I work much better when either told what to do or when the other person seems to respond like they’re at the very least mildly interested in what I’m doing, but hey, maybe we’re just awkward together. I ain’t taking ALL of the blame on this one! I’m submissive by nature so unless I’m certain that I’m pleasing the other person OR they’re telling me to do things, I’m not into touching someone that’s hot, just because they’re hot. It’s WAY hotter if the hot person wants me to touch them. OBViously. And damn, there are some times when we’re alone that he is just the hottest thing. I loves me a tall boy with light eyes and tattoos. Rawr.

I am happy to report that last night – despite being pretty freaking cockward – I got over it and got in my element with his dick in my face for at least 20 whole minutes! It took a while to get there (har har, over 3 months you might say), and maybe we don’t have the best sexual chemistry or there’s just been so much build up that it feels that way to me, but it was still awesome. I’m not sure if I could have vanilla sex with him, because vanilla sex for me relies on having haha fun or sensual times with the other person, and I think he and I are better suited for his sadism and my masochism to meet up. He’s freaking excellent at pulling my hair, and I admire his endurance at doing so for so long – though next time I hope he does it harder. (The choking too!) And yes, maybe that WAS a little secret message to him, although I guess, secret’s out …

It was nice to see that it was fine after as we had to cut it short with Steph coming home. We all hung out like normal for a bit, and then I drove him home. Then I woke up this morning, feeling, well, I don’t know what I’m feeling to be honest.

I feel good. I feel like all I really needed was a dick, specifically his, in my mouth for a while – plus a compliment on how good I am at that – to accept that we CAN have a sexual connection. I feel also a little shaken as it was a bit intense for me to finally get there, simply because we waited so long. Like, who does that? Couples who are working their way up into a serious relationship. Not friends with benefits. Talking about benefits is not the same as benefits. I’m sure Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis would completely agree.

And I feel like I need to stop questioning things. He’s a weird guy, I know this and I’m a weird girl, we know that. We operate differently. Maybe it’s a mistake for us to go down a sexual path, and maybe it’ll be amazing. Maybe he is really into me and eventually will actually touch me in other places besides my head and my hands. That would be freaking awesome, though I’m not going to lie, I’m still pretty convinced he won’t and that’s an inner demon I have to start stomping all over.

What I do know is that he drives me insane, both as a friend and with lust, and that I really enjoy his company. I hope that we can be awesome lovers and not just friends who talk about being awesome lovers; because seriously, every vagina has a breaking point. I’m just really good at keeping mine teetering right on the freaking edge.