(Printed with permission from the subject.)
This is a real thing. As much as it’s a perfect cliché soap opera line, it really is a thing, and it sucks.
It’s been 5 and something months now and James and I still haven’t had sex. I know my last post about him suggested that after a long time, we were finally on the right track to “doing it town”, but I admit it, we’re not. To be honest I’ve basically given up. He’s told me that he doesn’t really care about sex much, and actually truth be told I can live without fucking – some people. I’ve known Harvey now for almost 6 years and we’ve barely fucked 10 times, if that, but we’ve still always had a great time. D/s relationships can do that for you. Penis in vagina is not actually always a necessity for me to have a fulfilling relationship with someone.
But, and I’m sure this comes as no surprise to all of you: I still want / NEED other sex stuff.
I can’t imagine dating a guy, especially someone who can be dominant with me (or seeing, as James likes to call it, even though; whatever … semantics), without at least occasionally touching their genitals. I can’t imagine having a makeout session without it at least occasionally going further than just smooches. I can imagine relationships without actual fucking, but the rest of it is a necessity to me. I review sex toys and turn everything ever always into innuendo; it’s obvious that I’m a sexual person, right?
And the idea of submitting to someone’s control; following their instructions, being tied up, held down, choked; ALL OF those things … well, it doesn’t work in my head if I’m constantly left denied, in a turned on state with absolutely no release. It doesn’t even have to be MY release, it can be his. In that frame of mind, it still counts. There just has to be something.
James and I have talked in the past about his disinterest in sex. I’ve said to him “How can you get involved with someone who you know is so obviously sexual when you’re not a sexual person yourself?” And the whole time there has always been talk of sexy things. Our relationship is often based on naughty teasing; the promise of dirty fun to come. I’ve received guarantees of more nudity and sadism and honestly I’d be satisfied with a cock in my face and a hand inside me, though it seems that even that is disinteresting to him.
You see, he finally explained with clarity to me the other night something that I wish I had known months ago. When he says he’s not interested in sex, he means all of it. He would honestly rather be eating food than anything sexual. 9 times out of 10 he’s thinking “How can I get out of this?” because he would rather be somewhere else, including sleeping. It really isn’t me, it’s very very VERY much him. Sex and related acts are literally the lowest things on his totem pole.
As a result of finding this out, I’m feeling a whole mixed bag of feelings. I’m ridiculously relieved to know the full truth. I’ve been getting so tired of hearing my friends ask me “Why haven’t you fucked him yet?”. I’ve become tired of telling myself “It’s ok, Sam. He loves your company but doesn’t think you fuck-worthy, and that’s cool because you’re a fun girl to hang out with. Gooooo Team Personality!”. I’m annoyed for all those times I’d shave it all, make sure to wear the nice, but uncomfortable, underwear just in case. And sometimes, just sometimes, I’d even paint my toenails.
I’m annoyed that he’s talked about having sex with other people to me, and that he almost bragged about this one girl he was probably going to get with, in front of a bunch of other people. I was left with a horrible feeling in my stomach, almost humiliated because some people at that table knew that he and I weren’t doing it, but obviously it was something he was down for.
I admit it. I made an assumption. When he said originally that he wasn’t into sex, I assumed that he just meant fucking. So much of he and I is this awesome, hot flirting that often turns me on and distracts me to no end, that I figured other sex stuff was always still on the table. Our conversations always encourage it; we’ve even emailed about the things we like and don’t like and still my wants and desires are always talked about. Never was it said that all sex stuff is disinteresting. So I’ve been operating under the assumption that some is and that I just have to be patient and find the right moments. I’ve had to wrestle with fears of confusion and rejection for months, trying to ignore it as much as I possibly can. Most of the time we hang out alone, as much as I try to let things happen organically, I’m wrestling with the lust I feel related to all the amazing ideas and plans we’ve shared with one another, just waiting for him to take control and do it already. Control is his thing, you see, and I’m learning that control for him seems to mean denial.
But control has to come with some give and take. Relationships can’t be one sided, they have to be built off the needs and wants of all parties involved. Give a little, get a lot.
Anyway. To hear that it’s everything; that he doesn’t need or really want any of it … it’s partially relieving. I can remove this icky blanket of self-doubt off of myself because it was very misplaced – though some would argue it shouldn’t have been there in the first place. I’m thrilled that he can be so open with me and talk about it all so easily .. now, but where was this full conversation months ago? It would have saved me so many sad and confused moments. Maybe I’d have kept my feelings strictly in the friend zone instead of taking them to this “He’s super important and I <3 him and we’re totally close buds but we don’t fuck but I still feel like more than friends” place. What’s done is done and while I can’t change the past, I need to get past these angry feelings – hence this blog post where I write out ALL THE FEELINGS.
It’s frustrating that he can’t and / or doesn’t understand and / or ignores where I’m coming from. A recent chat with a friend brought up a very valid point that I, as an empathetic person cannot fault other people for not seeing the world as I do and sure, I don’t disagree. We all have our own outlooks on the world, our own list of things that are important and things that aren’t. What matters to me isn’t what matters to others, and I have to speak up for myself if I want to be heard. However, here I feel that James was careless. Like I said, the things I’m feeling and wanting have been obvious; I say them to him all the time. He could have been responsible and told me straight up what his complete deal is. It’s not like we didn’t talk about it a bunch of times in the past few months. In fairness to him, he has said that he is willing to try. That he will consider the things I’m thinking about and do what he can to make sure I’m not unhappy.
And it’s a big compliment to know that someone is willing to consider changing their behaviour or looking at things differently because they think you’re important enough to do that for. But I’m not so sure that I like knowing that he’s considering letting me have sexy fun with him just to make me happy. That’s not enough. I need to be with someone who honestly wants me and can help me feel super special and sexy; not someone who I know is reluctantly letting me suck their dick in trade for fun hang out times.
“If I didn’t like it, I’d tell you.”
That’s not something I want always hanging over my head. It’s not fun to always have it sitting there at the back of my mind, “I wonder if this will be the part that he doesn’t like and rejects me for.” The funny thing is, one of the things he REALLY enjoys is encouraging people to act on their own desires. He loves to help facilitate people getting over their inhibitions and go for what they want. But what if what I want at times is him? Is he just telling me what I want to hear because it’s easier than being honest? That doesn’t work any more.
He came over the other day and we had such an awesome hang out; I was filled with happy thoughts and starry eyes until the whole sex chat yesterday. I enjoy myself in his company so so much; sex isn’t always on my mind, though his hotness does distract me quite often. He’s always supporting me, offering words of encouragement, being there to vent to, and taking time out of his busy schedule for me, even if he really can’t spare those few hours. He’s totally important and someone I want around. He’s also someone I super lust and our few times together playing with control, handcuffs and smooches have been very, very fun.
Maybe I should be honest with myself. I’m not doing myself any favors here. Now that I know the full truth of the matter, I’m putting myself into a situation that will knowingly continue to be frustrating and hard for me to deal with. I feel like an idiot for letting myself become so unsure of myself these past few months because I couldn’t just ask for a mixed messages translation. I was so afraid of the answer and now that I have it, I’m at a loss for what I want to do with it.
Methinks that I’ll have to let work business rule my brain for the next couple of very hectic weeks and try to sort this out after, when my mind is clear.
I adore the man too much to be upset longer than it takes me to hit “Publish” on this post, but dear Samantha, please be better to yourself from now on.