Guest Post: Embracing My Inner Goose

Recently, two of our dear friends decided to make the leap from their mostly monogamous marriage into open relationship territory. Theirs is a love most evident, and I’ve always considered them to be very strong as a couple, but making the switch to non-monogamy can be a tough hill to climb. When she sent me over her first journal entry below, I related so easily and was immediately brought back to my first days being open, and truthfully sometimes those old feelings flare up.

I am honored that she has agreed to share this wonderfully honest and raw story here and hope you enjoy, without judgment.
It’s funny how naive I was just a few days ago. 

I had my first date on Friday and I was ridiculously nervous. I can’t even begin to describe my anxiety level at the time. And while my anxiety did dissipate as the evening progressed I found that it just transferred to a different area of my mind the next day.

The guy I went out with was nice enough though kind of boring and lacked the type of energy I enjoy from a man. It was fun in its own way but it’s not an evening I’ll be repeating.  At the end of the date I told him to kiss me. It lacked any “oomph” so I told him to kiss me again. For real. For scientific research. It was not a good kiss and in fact, I felt a little icky after. It was like kissing a straight girl.

J went out with his wife the next night.

They had a FABULOUS time. J really enjoyed her.  I asked him if they kissed and he said yes. I couldn’t help but wonder if he touched her breasts, if he got an erection, if he grabbed her ass the way he grabs mine.  Not the healthiest mindset in to be sure, but I found myself there nonetheless.

He sat down on the love seat next to me and tried to embrace me. I could smell her perfume and it choked me in such a way I thought I might vomit. It had that heavy, powdery scent that so many older women are fond of and I could barely stifle out the words, “Change your clothes. I can smell her.”  It was truly horrible. We made an agreement that clothes would henceforth be changed immediately upon returning home.

My feelings? Ugh. Argh. Blargh.

It surprises me how painful this can be. I want this to work. I believe in it. I want J to enjoy other women, I honestly do. And I want the same opportunities. But it’s so HARD. I’ve found myself in varying states of jealousy and pain this week. I’ve been a little emotional and a little irrational at times. I’ve lashed out a bit and I’ve cried. I didn’t like it that he was putting so much effort into getting to know someone. I didn’t like it a LOT. But I was also putting in effort, staying up late, writing letters, waiting for phone calls.

I have to constantly remind myself that what’s “Good for the goose is good for the gander.”  That if *I* can become excited about new people and still be madly in love with him then he can do the same. And truthfully, I’ve always suspected he loves me more then I love him. I hate saying that but in every relationship there is going to be one person more in love. I love him intensely, but still. I think it’s him.

You’d think that this knowledge would enable me somewhat. That knowing the depth of his love for me, his devotion and the truth in it would help me relax. And it does.  But still, I feel…scared. Threatened.

Last night I had the luxury of time to think. I realized that in part it wasn’t just my feelings of insecurity or that I was upset because he’d rather spend the evening out with someone that wasn’t me. What bothered me was the amount of effort he’d put in this past week. He sent her emails. He sent her texts. He called her on the phone and spoke with her late into the night. He asked her questions about herself. He made plans. He thought about what he was going to wear. He felt nervousness, anticipation, excitement.

Meanwhile, it’s hard for me to get him out of the house. The only time we go anywhere is when I demand it. Dinners out are expensive and we shouldn’t spend the money. The city is too far away and traffic is a pain and parking is a joke. Everything is boring. Why go out when we can’t drink because we have to drive.

I can’t remember the last time he suggested we go out somewhere. I honestly can’t remember the last time he took me out for lunch or suggested any outing at all, what-so-ever.  I think it’s been years since he’s been the one to initiate any sort of social outing. I arrange everything. 

And here he was making plans for someone that wasn’t me. 

We spoke about this after he got home and I was excited to share this bit of information with him. As brutal as it was I was excited that I’d come to this conclusion. It wasn’t like the thought hadn’t occurred to me before but given the light of our new situation it seemed all the more important. I cried when I told him. He cried a little too. He promised to start making more of an effort. We hugged. We told each other how much we loved one another and we meant it.

But where does this leave us now? 

It leaves us with a long road ahead of us. That’s what.

A couple of times this week I’ve wondered to myself if it was worth it. Is this venture really worth it? Do I really want this for myself and for him? I’ve marveled at the fact that while I am deeply, passionately and forever in love with this man I still have desires that he can’t or won’t fill. I want to spend time with other men. I want different experiences, different people and different sex. How strange is that? He’s a man who can satisfy me in ways that no other man has and yet I still want to have sex with different men! I still want to hear another man’s secrets. I just don’t like the idea of J sharing his mind and his body with anyone else.

I know that these are normal feelings. I understand that when people first open up their marriage it’s common and natural to have feeling of insecurity and self-doubt and sadness and pain at the idea of your partner doing all those special, intimate things they do with you. 

This doesn’t mean I don’t want to keep at it. I’ve also experienced some very high points the last little while. It feels WONDERFUL to suddenly have all these men contacting me, vying for my attention, telling me I’m beautiful. I’ve met some pretty interesting guys online the past couple of days. I’ve actually had a hard time keeping up! To go from one man telling you you’re beautiful and smart to having a half dozen men telling you all the different things they like about you is a real confidence boost! And of course it makes it a lot easier to deal with J’s new friend when I myself am making new friends.

I suppose that with a little more time it will become easier and easier for me to embrace my inner goose.