Kinkless in Toronto

This time last year, things were pretty great for me. I was deep into exploring a couple of new, casual relationships that had a distinct kinky element to them that I really needed and enjoyed.

This time this year however, I have no more outlets. I’ve had to find other ways to channel my emotions and it’s been very challenging. For years I existed without realizing how a hair pull or being told I’m a good girl could take me away from it all; take me on a much needed mini-vacation. Then when Harvey and I got to the point where he slapped me in the face one day, there was no going back.

It took me a good five years to finally figure out my preferences in the kink world, and now I’m really conscious of the fact that I don’t have a platform to share them anymore. Not to say that there’s no kinky fun in my life. My lovely lady recently acquired a beautiful harness from Aslan Leather and it was surprisingly easy for me surrender to her when she wore it. (Who am I kidding? She’s great at topping me ALL the time). And Steph gives me some smacks occasionally, but our dynamic is still different and doesn’t always work that way.As for everyone else, after six years of off and on playtime (85% just having dinner), Harvey and I are now just friends. I totally understand his reasoning, and considering that we hadn’t played since the end of August 2012, it wasn’t really a surprise. It’s still hard to accept though that I’ve lost the intimate connection with the man who introduced me to kink and basically helped me figure out who I am and what I need. We’ll still have dinner and hang out occasionally, but that’s it and it likely won’t be that frequently.

The Boy and I obviously aren’t intimate anymore (for now? forever? I don’t even know?), and this one is hard because we discovered this amazing dominance in him together. It was such a natural part of his being that he took to instantly, and to have helped him uncover it and then not be a part of it anymore is / was devastating. There were so many times when he would do or say something to me, whether in person or via text, and even surprise himself. It was such a beautiful thing to witness, that beast coming to life, and now it’s unobtainable once more. We haven’t been together since January.

I had a date in April that reminded me of all the things I liked in bed at least about The Boy, without any of the baggage that came along with our relationship. But I don’t have high hopes for this one happening again, so I can’t rely on him as an outlet either.

What does this all mean besides me whining? Well, really, it means that I just keep going like normal. I go through my day to day life – whatever that is right now until I get a job or something – and I deal with it. But it’s hard. I never wanted to get to the point where I needed kink. It was always something I had hoped was just an extra-curricular activity I enjoyed, but the fact is I’ve realized now that I DO need it.

I’m convinced that if I had an outlet this past winter, during breakup depression and writing the book, I may have dealt better with everything. I needed the escape and had none. What I would give to not realize that I have this burning hole inside of me that needs to be filled by being told I’m a good girl as he holds me close after abusing me in some delightful manner. How I long to find myself ignorant to that innate need and instead have the ability to coast along without it. Sometimes I think it would be better than knowing it’s there and having it lay empty.

As it stands now, I’m terrified to give myself to somebody new and don’t think I’ll be trusting anyone with that control for a long time – though I’d love to be wrong about that. It’s not a thing I want to share with strangers – or even casual acquaintances – at a sex club or party, it’s an intrinsical part of my intimate makeup, a component only to share with the most deserving. But how will I know who deserves it if I don’t allow myself to get close to anyone anymore?

I know there are harder battles out there to be fought. The fact that I’m not getting spanked or being told what to do is far down on the list of important things to deal with in the world. But in my world, it’s a loss I’m aware of constantly and I’m just trying to get by, one day at a time.

  • Quin

    It can become very depressing to not receive something you crave. I don’t think you’re whining at all. You found this amazing thing and you want more of it without causing problems in your relationships. I totally know where you are coming from.
    Thank you for sharing this.

    Wishing you all the best.

    • Anonymous

      Thank you so much xoxo

  • robert

    In time you will know when you can soften your heart again and allow yourself to be able to open up and want to share that level of safety wiht another person, you will be able to tel whom that person will be. It will just happen, follow your heart. Listen to you soul. Everything will fall into place as you want it too eventually.