It’s been a while, Internet. I remember the days when I used to talk to you all the time in this medium. This site is the reason that I became anything online (though somedays I wonder if it’s because I talk about masturbation on Twitter). People would find it when searching for info on open relationships, back in the days when less sites existed.
But I stopped this year. I’ve written a few things here and there, but nothing that speaks to the volume of words in my head. I’ve had amazing ideas for blog posts (Ooh! I should write about sleeping with your friends, or that moment when you realize you can’t handle anything more than playlationships) … but none of them have made it here. Some of them have been started in TextEdit. A few paragraphs written when I felt so inspired, and then something got in the way and all those files have just been left there to be the next Untitled-12.txt.
It’s strange, really. Just like kink used to be, before all of my submissive relationships either turned platonic or withered away, writing has always been an outlet for me. It’s another way, besides a good ol’ slap to the face, that I’ve been able to deal with all the thoughts swirling in my head, turning them into (hopefully) something useful for the great big world out there. But, even though I’ve had more than enough time this summer to write and write and write some more, I haven’t taken to it like I did in the past.
One theory is that writing the book, well “finishing it” damn near killed me near the end and made me never, ever, EVER want to type anything out again – or at least not for a while. But that’s not really a good theory. Blog posts are different. They don’t require the editing precision, the attention to grammatical details, and the requirement of longevity of facts to be written. They can even say things like “longevity of facts” and people will think they make sense or ignore it because Internet readers are fickle. (Hey, I’m one too.)
No, dear friends, the real reason I haven’t really talked to you this year is quite simple: I’m afraid. I’m afraid because for the majority of this year, I’ve spent more time JUST with my thoughts than I ever have before. While I have plenty of friends and social activity, plus lots of work to do on my Playground conference, I am still lost in my brain much more than I ever been before. The devil’s advocate in me that helps me be an excellent life and relationship coach (if I do say so myself, and I do), works completely against me personally when I’m in the downward spiral of post book-vacation unemployment, wondering what I should do next.
And there’s more than that. The breakup that I went through during the first third of the year wasn’t only emotionally draining and sad, but, unlike any that have happened before, it stole away all the trust I had in myself and in my decisions. How could I have made such a bad decision and gotten involved with someone I knew I couldn’t end up with? How could I have not been able to fight against that amazing chemistry we had? How could I have honestly entertained thoughts of the three of us living together one day? How could I have not seriously had us at least still be good friends now? How could I have been so ridiculously and utterly stupid?
Obviously it must mean that I am stupid in everything I do. I shouldn’t trust any of my decisions or my work because they’re stupid too. Obviously, this book that I’ve written is just a bunch of stupid words, sitting on top of stupid pages. And the idea that anyone would want to read it, never mind sell it in their store, or promote it, well, that’s obviously also stupid.
Now, of course I know somewhere that it’s not true. I was successful with the book at first, but then I stopped talking about it when this “stupid fog” came over me. People would be telling me how great it was, how they enjoyed the read, and I’d appreciate every compliment but would still feel 100% empty. I stopped talking about it. I stopped trying to get it into stores. I stopped trying to sell you a copy. Because somewhere along the lines I’d separated Confident Samantha from my entire being and she only appeared when I had to put on a face and pretend, and forcing myself to pretend was damn near impossible.
So, this is why. This is why I stopped writing here too. Basically, I haven’t trusted that anything I’d say would be smart or right or insightful or good or blah blah blah insert thoughtful words here. And it’s not that there hasn’t been anything interesting to write about this year. I …
- got closer with some of the best ever platonic friends;
- reunited with another lovely lady from my past;
- realized quickly that someone I thought was a jerk actually was a jerk;
- hooked up with a beautiful lady friend and her man, hoping for a more romantic relationship but ending up very satisfied gaining a new, wonderful male friend instead;
- had awesome surprise lady sex with a new friend;
- connected with someone I was always meant to connect with, though it’s making for tricky waters now;
- learned that my emotions currently don’t have the capacity for big external loves;
- got closer, and I suppose more co-dependent but in an actually ok way, with the love of my life, my husband.
You see, it hasn’t all been bad. This year isn’t a total wash. I’ve been able to figure out what I do and don’t want in my life, when it comes to my career, my friends, my home, and my relationships. I’ve had all this great stuff to write about and share insights on but all I’ve been able to think of is “You make terrible judgment calls in lovers. You’ve put on weight, even when you ate nothing; you can’t even get not eating right. You’ve had all this time to accomplish things and what have you got to show for it? You finally let depression get the better of you, after being able to fight it for so many years. Fail, fail, fail, fail. FAIL.”
Now that I see that written down through, to be honest, a couple of tears in my eyes, now I get it. That’s just life and I am lucky to live the one that I do. Those negative feelings are only small parts of what makes up the things in my view. There are plenty of amazing positive things, people, circumstances, that I get to call a part of my world. I will conquer those demons slowly, one by one. I will bring Confident Samantha back into the fold. I will forgive myself for making bad decisions, allow myself to make mistakes again, and trust that I will also make good decisions many times more, moving forward.
And, not only for you, but for the sake of my soul. I’ll get back on that horse. I will write again.