Tonight, Steph is going on a first date. He hasn’t had a first date, or actually ANY dates, for a long time. He’s had much more practice dealing with me seeing other people than I have with him. Over the years, it’s been a struggle for me. It’s felt like he’s kept things from me to protect my feelings, but that generally backfires. I want to feel the same love and happiness and compersion for him that he feels for me. When we started this chat this afternoon, I was feeling anxious that I was going to feel upset later. I wasn’t actually feeling upset, but worried that I’d go down the same path that I used to.
But then we shared this chat, which I’m sharing openly with you here. I feel a sense of calm in my heart, that I’m hoping will last the evening, and moving forward. This stuff takes work, my friends, but it’s always worth it in the ends.
Here’s a look into the lives of Sam and Steph.
sam[antha]: feeling a bit anxious
Steph: about you or me?
sam[antha]: about you
Steph: It’ll be ok
sam[antha]: easy for you to say
Steph: I’m certainly not telling you not to feel that
Steph: was about to say aww dont feel anxious
Steph: but I dont want to deny you feeling what you feel :)
Steph: which I ALWAYS do
sam[antha]: i don’t really feel anything, but i’m so USED to feeling things
sam[antha]: that i’m expecting to?
sam[antha]: or i’m anxious about the possibility of feeling things
Steph: ahhh I hear ya
Steph: do you have any questions or concerns about my plans tonight?
sam[antha]: :) I don’t think so. I’ve already brought them up.
sam[antha]: I’m concerned that you’ll like her
Steph: thats a toughie to reply to
sam[antha]: I know :)
sam[antha]: I also want you to?
Steph: man thats a set of confusing feels right there huh
sam[antha]: I don’t know. The idea of you being with someone else the way I am with other people is the WORST.
sam[antha]: But then … I do it?
sam[antha]: but logic just can’t defeat it. I try.
Steph: also keep in mind I dont have sexy times (with others) the exact same you do. Its not as emotional or heavy
sam[antha]: this is true
Steph: typical guy huh
sam[antha]: that part i never used to believe
sam[antha]: but now i do
sam[antha]: i used to think it was impossible
sam[antha]: and that you were just denying me because of how we are
sam[antha]: but i know that’s not true now
sam[antha]: i guess i just have to keep repeating these things to myself
sam[antha]: i haven’t had the practice that you have, you know?
sam[antha]: i HAVE to repeat things over and over and over
Steph: oh you mean in that’s just how I express myself sexually with us even? Because it’s much more emotional with you for sure
sam[antha]: yes with us
Steph: oh man its not always purely physical I hope thats not what you think
sam[antha]: i know it’s not :)
sam[antha]: And it’s better now than it was
Steph: yeah for sure
sam[antha]: It USED to be a lot more like that. at least just for me. Because we were awful together, tbh. Well not awful, but not like we are now.
sam[antha]: I like us now
sam[antha]: we’re really good, and when we’re together, i really really want to be with you
sam[antha]: and you know what? That makes such a big difference
sam[antha]: Feeling like you and i are awesome
sam[antha]: Ok, actually reminding myself of that is very helpful
Steph: yer makin me tear up over here :)
sam[antha]: I’m used to you meeting people before I felt any of this stuff
sam[antha]: and honestly, it was only last year after my breakup / depression that i started to really feel this stuff … and you haven’t dated since then … so…. i didn’t even realize that i was feeling ok underneath
Steph: means a lot to here you say that :)
sam[antha]: I’m just so trained to feel a certain way
sam[antha]: Like, I’ll still probably feel a bit squidgey, but there’s a much stronger base for me now
Steph: it’s the confidence in the solidity of our rock that alows me to let you be free
sam[antha]: i’ve never not been confident in us as a unit
sam[antha]: you’ve just often fucked up and i’ve had high standards
Steph: yeah hows about I dont do that anymore k?
sam[antha]: and hows about I don’t assume that you will
Steph: ha deal
Steph: internet shake*
sam[antha]: So now I’m only concerned that she’ll be a nice person and respectful
sam[antha]: and that she’ll like you
Steph: so far she’s been really nice and has mentioned several times that she respects our situation
sam[antha]: it would be good for you to like someone. Everyone’s been so meh for you for so long.
Steph: ha right eh?
sam[antha]: and if it gets you out of the house, i’ll support it for my own dating selfish logistics
sam[antha]: i’m also nervous that all my dating shit will come crashing down, like it has in the past, and then i’ll be left dealing with you dating JUST ONE PERSON and I’ll be additional partner alone
sam[antha]: because i really really do hate THAT
Steph: yeah I dont really want to be invovled with just one either
Steph: so I think I will be active about trying to not get into that situation again
sam[antha]: ok good. That would be nice.
sam[antha]: But obviously not a focus tonight
Steph: of course
sam[antha]: Just please make more of an effort to be more forthcoming with me
sam[antha]: Even if you think it’ll make me uncomfortable. It’s just because I’m not used to hearing you talk about anyone, even friends
sam[antha]: but it’s why i don’t hold back with you, unless you specifically say you’re uncomfortable.
sam[antha]: if you like someone, that’s cute and i want to know
sam[antha]: i want to have a chance to feel the things that you feel for me
Steph: you got it
sam[antha]: but you have to let me
sam[antha]: and give me the opportunities
Steph: wow good point huh
sam[antha]: i’ve been saying it, in different ways, for years
sam[antha]: you’ve had practice with all this stuff. I haven’t.
sam[antha]: and vice versa on the other end
Steph: just one of those clicking moments jusst now I guess
Steph: and as long as you know I’ve never tried to hide things. It’s always just been my personality
sam[antha]: I know. And as long as YOU know that my personality takes things still to be like you’re hiding them. We have to meet in the middle.
Steph: oh yeah totally
Steph: wasnt making an excuse; just want to make sure you know it’s never come from a place of fear or shame
sam[antha]: I know it’s not. But I suspect everyone is sneaky and have to try not to do that. You being more forthcoming will help me.
Steph: because yeah! I’m excited about finding out what she is all about and I’m excited about telling you she’s awesome
Steph: IF she’s awesome
sam[antha]: haha. Hopefully she will be.
sam[antha]: And it helps that I feel better about my OWN awesome now. I think I never used to as much as I needed to.
sam[antha]: I want her to be awesome. And pretty. And I hope she likes you and that you have things in common.
Steph: yeah youve come a long way, baby
sam[antha]: WE have
sam[antha]: I might put this whole chat into a blog post …
Steph: damn right
sam[antha]: Like, just verbatim.
sam[antha]: with a little bit of editing
sam[antha]: i love you
Steph: Phew that works out cuz I love you too
sam[antha]: k. Back to work. Say bye before you leave.
Steph: totally will. I’ll text ya xoxoxoxoox
sam[antha]: ok xo