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Real Chat. Real Feelings.

Tonight, Steph is going on a first date. He hasn’t had a first date, or actually ANY dates, for a long time. He’s had much more practice dealing with me seeing other people than I have with him. Over the years, it’s been a struggle for me. It’s felt like he’s kept things from me to protect my feelings, but that generally backfires. I want to feel the same love and happiness and compersion for him that he feels for me. When we started this chat this afternoon, I was feeling anxious that I was going to feel upset later. I wasn’t actually feeling upset, but worried that I’d go down the same path that I used to.

But then we shared this chat, which I’m sharing openly with you here. I feel a sense of calm in my heart, that I’m hoping will last the evening, and moving forward. This stuff takes work, my friends, but it’s always worth it in the ends.

Here’s a look into the lives of Sam and Steph.

sam[antha]: feeling a bit anxious

Steph: about you or me?

sam[antha]: about you

Steph: It’ll be ok :)

sam[antha]: easy for you to say

Steph: I’m certainly not telling you not to feel that

Steph: was about to say aww dont feel anxious

Steph: but I dont want to deny you feeling what you feel  :)

Steph: which I ALWAYS do

sam[antha]: i don’t really feel anything, but i’m so USED to feeling things

sam[antha]: that i’m expecting to?

sam[antha]: or i’m anxious about the possibility of feeling things

Steph: ahhh I hear ya

Steph: do you have any questions or concerns about my plans tonight? :)

sam[antha]:   :) I don’t think so. I’ve already brought them up.

sam[antha]: I’m concerned that you’ll like her

Steph: thats a toughie to reply to

sam[antha]: I know  :)

sam[antha]: I also want you to?

Steph: man thats a set of confusing feels right there huh

sam[antha]: I don’t know. The idea of you being with someone else the way I am with other people is the WORST.

sam[antha]: But then … I do it?

sam[antha]: but logic just can’t defeat it. I try.

Steph: also keep in mind I dont have sexy times (with others) the exact same you do. Its not as emotional or heavy

sam[antha]: this is true

Steph: typical guy huh

sam[antha]: that part i never used to believe

sam[antha]: but now i do

sam[antha]: i used to think it was impossible

sam[antha]: and that you were just denying me because of how we are

sam[antha]: but i know that’s not true now

sam[antha]: i guess i just have to keep repeating these things to myself

sam[antha]: i haven’t had the practice that you have, you know?

sam[antha]: i HAVE to repeat things over and over and over

Steph: oh you mean in that’s just how I express myself sexually with us even? Because it’s much more emotional with you for sure

sam[antha]: yes with us

Steph: oh man its not always purely physical I hope thats not what you think

sam[antha]: i know it’s not  :)

Steph: phew

sam[antha]: And it’s better now than it was

Steph: yeah for sure

sam[antha]: It USED to be a lot more like that. at least just for me. Because we were awful together, tbh. Well not awful, but not like we are now.

sam[antha]: I like us now

sam[antha]: we’re really good, and when we’re together, i really really want to be with you

sam[antha]: and you know what? That makes such a big difference

sam[antha]: Feeling like you and i are awesome

Steph: :)

sam[antha]: Ok, actually reminding myself of that is very helpful

Steph: yer makin me tear up over here  :)

sam[antha]: aww

sam[antha]: I’m used to you meeting people before I felt any of this stuff

sam[antha]: and honestly, it was only last year after my breakup / depression that i started to really feel this stuff … and you haven’t dated since then … so…. i didn’t even realize that i was feeling ok underneath

Steph: means a lot to here you say that  :)

sam[antha]:  I’m just so trained to feel a certain way

sam[antha]: Like, I’ll still probably feel a bit squidgey, but there’s a much stronger base for me now

Steph: it’s the confidence in the solidity of our rock that alows me to let you be free

sam[antha]: i’ve never not been confident in us as a unit

sam[antha]: you’ve just often fucked up and i’ve had high standards ;)

Steph: yeah hows about I dont do that anymore k?

sam[antha]: and hows about I don’t assume that you will

Steph: ha deal

Steph: internet shake*

sam[antha]: So now I’m only concerned that she’ll be a nice person and respectful

sam[antha]: and that she’ll like you

Steph: so far she’s been really nice and has mentioned several times that she respects our situation

sam[antha]: it would be good for you to like someone. Everyone’s been so meh for you for so long.

Steph: ha right eh?

sam[antha]: and if it gets you out of the house, i’ll support it for my own dating selfish logistics

sam[antha]: i’m also nervous that all my dating shit will come crashing down, like it has in the past, and then i’ll be left dealing with you dating JUST ONE PERSON and I’ll be additional partner alone

sam[antha]: because i really really do hate THAT

Steph: yeah I dont really want to be invovled with just one either

Steph: so I think I will be active about trying to not get into that situation again

sam[antha]: ok good. That would be nice.

sam[antha]: But obviously not a focus tonight ;)

Steph: of course

sam[antha]: Just please make more of an effort to be more forthcoming with me

sam[antha]: Even if you think it’ll make me uncomfortable. It’s just because I’m not used to hearing you talk about anyone, even friends

sam[antha]: but it’s why i don’t hold back with you, unless you specifically say you’re uncomfortable.

sam[antha]: if you like someone, that’s cute and i want to know :)

sam[antha]: i want to have a chance to feel the things that you feel for me

Steph: you got it

sam[antha]: but you have to let me

sam[antha]: and give me the opportunities

Steph: wow good point huh

sam[antha]: i’ve been saying it, in different ways, for years

sam[antha]: you’ve had practice with all this stuff. I haven’t.

sam[antha]: and vice versa on the other end

Steph: just one of those clicking moments jusst now I guess

Steph: and as long as you know I’ve never tried to hide things. It’s always just been my personality

sam[antha]: I know. And as long as YOU know that my personality takes things still to be like you’re hiding them. We have to meet in the middle.

Steph: oh yeah totally

Steph: wasnt making an excuse; just want to make sure you know it’s never come from a place of fear or shame

sam[antha]: I know it’s not. But I suspect everyone is sneaky and have to try not to do that. You being more forthcoming will help me.

Steph: because yeah! I’m excited about finding out what she is all about and I’m excited about telling you she’s awesome :)

Steph: IF she’s awesome

sam[antha]: haha. Hopefully she will be.

sam[antha]: And it helps that I feel better about my OWN awesome now. I think I never used to as much as I needed to.

sam[antha]: I want her to be awesome. And pretty. And I hope she likes you and that you have things in common.

Steph: yeah youve come a long way, baby

sam[antha]: WE have

sam[antha]: I might put this whole chat into a blog post …

Steph: damn right

Steph: ok!

sam[antha]: Like, just verbatim.

sam[antha]: with a little bit of editing ;)

Steph: sure!

sam[antha]: awesome

sam[antha]: i love you :)

Steph: Phew that works out cuz I love you too :)

sam[antha]: PHEW

sam[antha]: k. Back to work. Say bye before you leave.

Steph: totally will. I’ll text ya xoxoxoxoox

sam[antha]: ok  xo

  • Roux

    Wow. Thank you for sharing this. I feel like I’ve glimpsed an even more intimate vulnerable piece of your relationship than if I’d just watched you two have sex. Very touching and sweet, thank you again.

    • nympsam

      Thank you for reading :)

  • Sarah

    This was so lovely to get to read. I picked up your book earlier this week and I’m really loving how honest you are about your feelings, where you and Steph started, and what things look like now. I’ve been actively poly for 6+ years now and I still freak out a bit over new relationships sometimes.

    • nympsam

      Thank you for your support! xo

  • André

    You guys, in one chat, have mirrored so many of the discussions that my wife and I have had through our journey of opening our marriage. We’re still fairly new at being poly, but it’s comforting to know that even people who’ve been at it a while still feel these things too. Thank you so much for sharing this with us!!

    • nympsam

      Thank you for following along :)