In One Piece

Falling in love gets me into trouble. I tend to fall for people who are great at describing situations I want to be involved in, but not so great at making those situations a reality. I’ve told myself that I’m cool with just casual things now, that my heart went through enough last year, so just keep everything light and easy, sexy and fun. Maybe it’s that I’m just starting to realize the availability of the guys I’m seeing, or maybe it’s something deeper. As much as I like them both separately, I feel a little lost without being in that external relationship that comes with a side of text message swooning, Facebook constant chatter, or gChat compliments.

I had that with The Boy, and while I’ve learned not to miss him (or at least to say that I don’t in a blog post because it helps me convince myself that I don’t — lies), I do miss that. I miss someone being a hopeless romantic with me and sending me song lyrics that reminded them of me. Steph and I are romantic in our own beautifully consistent cute, married ways, and don’t get me wrong, they are wonderful … but I miss external mutual swooning. I miss New Relationship Energy that goes on for months. And I miss feeling like my other partners and I are meeting for hours in our daydreams, holding hands on amazing adventures, while we’re both actually just taking an “eyes-closed 10 second pause” from our tasks at work.

I really like one of the new boys I’m seeing in particular, ok both really but he’s been around the longest. He makes me pretty swoony when we’re actually talking (which isn’t nearly as much as I’d like), because he’s handsome and dorky and straight-forward and funny and absolutely lovely (sexy too, and a great lover). But while he’s sweet and lovely and makes me feel all sorts of ways, I don’t get the impression that he has any interest in going too far into romance with me. I could be wrong; maybe he wants it in very different ways than I’m used to. A month and a half of dating in my last relationship meant that we’d been talking as much as most people do in 8 months. A month and a half of seeing someone now means that we’ve only had 3 dates and don’t really know much about each other. It’s not territory I’m used to treading.

It’s probably safer, I suppose. All of my in-depth relationships have ended in flames. Casual dating means safety from flames, right? Casual dating means I can keep my head screwed on tight and my heart in one piece.

So how come I still want to play with those romantic knives so badly?