Foolish Optimism

At times when I haven’t written in a while, like now, I find the thought of posting something again slightly overwhelming. Everything has to have a purpose or a point, and instead of just letting myself write and the words flow, I have to write about a specific topic. At the moment I have a list of three topics that I want to write lovely, entertaining, and hopefully informative posts about. But as I sit here with the blank screen in front of me, and my fingers just waiting for further instruction, I realize that I need to get out of that structure and just write.

Just. Write.

I’m sometimes afraid to just write because then you’ll really know what I’m thinking. This site used to be my go to, my safe space for just sharing my inner demons; now that spot has gone to Twitter where, although you can always scroll back and see everything I’ve said, thoughts still pass by in a sort of flash. What I’m feeling now won’t be what I’m feeling in an hour, and that’s made evident instantly. When I write here, there’s much more permanence, and when I don’t have a point, well it’s embarrassing.

Like tonight, I don’t have a point, but I needed to be here. I needed to tell you about the frustrations I’m currently feeling. Like I’m on the cusp of a few great things, and some potential awesome relationships, but everything is taking longer than it should. I don’t want to blog about it because then it’ll be the only thing I’m thinking. And it’s not. It’s just what I’m thinking right now. Gosh, if I only felt one emotion during the day, I’m not sure how I’d deal with it. Anyway, I digress.

Back to the frustrations. Some people are missing in action which has me feeling like I am less significant to them than they to me; some are returning that I’m not sure about; some are revealing sides of themselves that weren’t in the initial offering, and at the end of the day I’m finding my patience wearing thin. I know that life has its ups and downs, and that I can’t expect everything to go from the black hole that was last year to super fantastic awesome town, but sheesh, could we just pick up the pace a little?

I’m always the person to try and make plans with others as much as possible. When I like a person, especially a lover, I want to see them as much as I can. Everyone’s got their boundaries though, and hey, I respect that, but even my undying optimism can take a beating at times when it seems that I’m always the one asking or poking or suggesting times / places / activities. I probably set myself up by always being the person though; the other person doesn’t need  to try because it’s inevitable that I will always (even when I flat out say that I won’t!).

I’d like to think that I’m a pretty simple person to know. If I like you, I’ll tell you, and I’ll do things to help you feel happy. I’ll try and hang out with you as much as we both have time for, and I’ll respect your boundaries around everything – I’ve learned to ask about these much better than I used to.

I just don’t get why it’s so hard. Like let’s do something or let’s not. It’s ok if you don’t want to. Just say so. Or tell me what your expectations are in case they don’t line up with mine. Because it’s possibly they don’t, and that’s fine, as long as I know. But fuck am I tired of waiting. I’m tired of chasing romance and fucked up people. Just. Get. Your. Shit. Together.

And then give me a call, because I’m a foolish optimist who still likes you even when my besties tell me that I shouldn’t. I’ll probably be here. And I’ll probably kiss your face if you’ll let me.