Confession: I’m a Secret Lover

You know that feeling you get when you haven’t had something that you want, something that you need, in a really, really long time, and suddenly it’s in front of you, so close that you can taste it and smell it. So close that every fibre of your being is consumed with that overwhelming need to just simply have it.

That’s what it felt like to me when I first started talking to James. While it’s not an unfamiliar feeling – that sense of my body feeling electric for days on end, feeling like I would collapse if I didn’t get to meet him sooner vs. later, feeling like I couldn’t bare another second of not connecting with his body, his touch, and his commands – it’s a feeling I had not felt in a long time. While I adore Ethan and the other people I date right now, and of course my husband, it was very obvious from the very beginning that James connected with my long abandoned submissive self, from almost the very first message he sent.

*Sidenote: One of these days I’ll stop being wooed by simply, perfect dating site messages … one of these days.

Everything he said lined up with everything I’m attracted to. His compliments are genuine, his tone is perfectly stern, yet playful. I was super excited to be meeting.

When I found out after a little bit of internet sleuthing (he knew so much about me, thanks to my online presence, and I barely anything about him) that his “roomie” was in fact his live-in girlfriend, and we were not, despite all my best fantasies, going to be heading back to his place for wild sexy, kinky, romps … I should have walked away. Considering that my heart was smashed last year by a similar situation with The Boy and that I swore I would never get involved with another person’s infidelity again, it would have been very wise, reasonable, and right to say “No thank you” when I found this information out.

But instead … well, you know what instead. I felt almost helpless against the hormones running through my body. The yearning I felt to connect with this man who was so quickly making me feel so sexy, safe, and comfortable, was stronger than any need for being morally and ethically good that I may have been experiencing. I was so anxious to meet the man who said all of the amazing things, that I put everything else aside, including the reasonable expectation that he might change his mind.

I’ll preface what I’m about to say with “I’m hyper aware of the fact that I don’t deserve anything for this”, but it’s still taking a lot of courage for me to share this with you. I’m meant to represent this ideal of non-monogamy that shows the lifestyle as an alternative to cheating, not one that includes it. I coach clients on how to be honest with each other about their feelings. I believe in talking to your partner about trying non-monogamy openly, instead of going behind their back. And yet, I find myself wrapped up in this selfish period of time doing something just for me, just for him, just for us, because it was fucking AWEsome.

I’ve hesitated for years in sharing my feelings on this subject matter for fear of hurting myself professionally, or even for reasons as simple as wanting to avoid internet fights. I, both selfishly and empathetically, don’t want to disappoint people who view me in a certain light and I realize that this behaviour in general is disappointing to so many, whether as an abstract concept or something near, dear, and possibly triggering to their hearts.

But years of sharing with some of my best girlfriends, and boyfriends, has shown me the other side as well. They’ve shown me how wonderful, ethical, sex-positive, sensitive, and generally very honest people can still find themselves wrapped up in the secrecy, intrigue, and let’s be totally honest and say occasional fun, that is a relationship like this. “Normal” people get involved in these situations ALL THE DAMN TIME.

We don’t talk about it enough. And when we do, it’s people coming up with all sorts of bullshit like “Why Men Cheat: 7 Signs to Watch For” or “Is She Cheating? How to Tell if Your Woman is Being Unfaithful and Keep Her at Home” or the overly dramatic “Heartbroken Mistresses Tell All!”. People get into arguments in the comment sections, some feel validated, and there’s a whole bunch of self-congratulating going on. Everyone walks away thinking we’ve shared some big amazing breakthrough on infidelity, why it happens, and how to prevent it from happening, while we’re not really left any wiser on why monogamy is just not working for some people, or how to talk about that very real fact honestly.

Unfortunately, I don’t have the answer, as there are so many more grey areas in infidelity than we could tackle in one simple blog post. All I do know is that there are plenty of people out there who are built to be non-monogamous but don’t have the tools, the know-how, or the skills to be able to live that way, and I suspect that James is probably one of them. Maybe it’s from a lack of exposure, maybe it’s from fear or being a coward, or maybe it’s while they love their partner so much, they also know that an open relationship would never be on the table, so they find an alternative way to get their additional needs met while still being able to stay with the person they love the most.

You can say what you want and have your own theories. You can slag me off for my involvement in the situations I’ve been in. I might even agree with a lot of what you’re saying, because I can admit that I’ve put my own selfish needs before those of another woman who is, and will remain, a stranger to me. But, at the end of the day, nobody really knows what goes on behind closed doors and keeps people together, or what causes them to split, besides those involved.

My situation with James was (is? Not sure where it sits right now, tbh) completely far from ideal. I was excited to meet this guy that made me feel so wonderful and sexy and have it be out in the open. I wanted to go on dates with him and get to know him in public, and be out with my new Daddy. The “mystery” of sneaking around was barely a factor in his appeal and I would have gone without it with ease. He was appealing because I found myself calling him Daddy when a message would come in from him, before it was ever said out loud between us. He was appealing because I felt connected to the very core of my sexuality again when talking to him, after denying it for so long. I felt happier in my marriage, more productive at work, all around much better. He’s appealing because he’s smart, sexy, sex-positive, honest (with me), and (with me) an unbelievable communicator. I was expecting him to be a sexy fun lover man guy Daddy to know, but I didn’t expect to also enjoy talking to him so much about regular stuff too.

Lately his messages have been shorter, and I’ve felt a shift. I didn’t want to know, but I also had to know what’s going on. His anxiety kicked in after I saw him last and the connection started to severe a bit. He’s anxious about the guilt because of his situation, but also about other things in his life, I’m gathering. Being with me might be great fun, but if it’s causing him anxiety, is there really much point in him knowing me? I want to be a stress reliever, not stress creator, and even if it’s relieving stress in my life to be with him, if it’s not in his also, then maybe I’m not a good person for him to know. In his words: “I feel bad. Not gonna lie. I was all pumped and now I’m being a total flake. Believe me when I say I don’t want to be.”

Let me say it for you, as I’m sure some of you are thinking that, duh, he should feel bad for being unfaithful. And I agree perhaps, to a point, but not really. That is a huge part of his anxiety, and why it’s likely leaning toward us not seeing each other anymore, at least not naked. I’m not even certain that we’ll talk much anymore if the flirty aspect of our interactions are being removed and that was sort of the basis for our entire existence together. We could graduate to being friends now – he has said that he enjoys talking to me outside of the sex stuff, and I do with him too – friends that text and hang out in public, like normal humans, but I’m not holding my breath that it will evolve that way, though I think I would like it maybe (?). He’s a cool guy that I really like, even without the sexy sex sex (though that sexy sex sex is so fucking fab and it would be really super difficult for a while to deny that want and that connection …)

And while I’m trying to be understanding, because he’s being very open with me about everything and I try to have empathy for the people I interact with, I’m still pissed off, though fully aware that I made my own bed. I’m still annoyed because he didn’t tell me in the beginning that he wasn’t actually single, though his profile originally listed him as such. I’m mostly angry at myself for allowing my desire to speak for me, once he did finally tell me, knowing that there was the chance that he could back out and leave me hanging, especially since that happened in an extreme way last year. And I’m mega MEGA disappointed, that I found someone I was willing to call Daddy – and trust, that is a BIG deal for me – only to have that taken away almost as quickly as it arrived. I finally reconnected with my true sexual self after many long months of denying that she ever even existed, only to have her now feeling a bit lost and misguided. Sure I can probably find another dominant to nurture that side of me, but I’m ridiculously picky (yes, laugh it up .. somehow someone unavailable didn’t make it on my “no” list …), and the dominant people that say the right things, touch me the right way, and make me feel sexy, safe, AND comfortable are few and far between. Right now, I don’t want somebody else for that. I want James because he’s fucking great at it.

Before I go off the deep end here though, let’s be real. We did only connect in person a couple of times, (though we’ve had hundreds of online written messages in the past month.) It hasn’t been a long-term thing, instead a short-term intense awakening, and it’ll be fine I’m sure, if it ends for actual. I’m not going to be a drama llama because obviously the situation was far from ideal, but I’m going to be sad if it does definitely end. I’m sad that I couldn’t have met him at a time when he was more available, and because I care about him in a unique way. I’m sad that he can’t just find a way to be open and aboveboard at home. I’m selfishly sad that he thinks that his anxiety is likely going to be too much instead of finding a way to keep seeing me – I can’t deny this. And I’m sad for him and the countless other people out there who seem to not be able to (or not want to?) talk to their partners about their other sexual desires and how to have them met, whether in or out of their relationships.

And I’m absolutely fucking terrified to share this with you and finally be honest about an area in my life where part of me feels like an absolute hypocritical asshole, and the other half feels perfectly justified. But I think these conversations are important to have if we’re ever going to have real chats about monogamy – what works and what doesn’t – and how to have those relationships while still being true to ourselves, our partners, and our commitments. Here we go.

  • Dangerous Lilly

    This is something I don’t talk about on my blog for various reasons, but….I’ve been there. There was a man I met in my first month blogging. We connected. He brought out the submissive side of me like whoa. He was NOT forthcoming until I was totally invested emotionally that he was not single. At first he was vague and I thought he was single. Then I thought he lived with someone. I’m unsure at what point I found out he was actually married, but it wasn’t for awhile. Yet he was charming and so I still trusted him. Dumb, dumb Lilly.

    Here’s the thing: without knowing her side, you don’t actually know if he’s being very open and honest with you about whatever it is you’ve already talked about. When you say “honest (with me)” that sets off warning bells for me. This man made me think that I was the only one to know all these truths, these secrets, his confessions. I found out 2 years ago that 95% of everything he told me was a lie or partial fabrication or twist/stretch of some distant truth. This may not at all be whats going on here, but it’s pinging a warning in me that I can’t just ignore. For me and this man, he too hit a moment when suddenly his anxiety and guilt was overwhelming, he said. He couldn’t do it. He was sorry. In reality, the wife had caught him chatting/whatever with someone else and he was scared of being caught again.

    With him, he wasn’t the first time I’d been with someone who wasn’t single and in an open relationship. But he was the last. I will never go through this again.