Welcome to the Frustration Station

I haven’t visited NYMP or written anything in almost two months. It’s not that there hasn’t been anything to say; in fact there have been countless blog posts at the ready, but I just haven’t been able to share them. It’s embarrassing to see the site where it is, with that last post about Alex and optimism and everything working out fine, just sitting there. To have to come back and admit that, well hey, everything actually didn’t work out and things have been really, really shitty for the past two months. That’s not fun, but it is the truth.

Despite what I had hoped, things with Alex died quickly. Not because of me, but because he broke up with his long-term non-monogamous partner and needed alone time. I was totally supportive of this time; if he needed to not be with anyone else, then fine. I could wait. He seemed worth waiting for. Eventually I realized he’d just unfriended me on Facebook and that was it. I was, and still am, disappointed. I liked him.

And Alex just seemed to be one area where nothing was going right. In my professional life, the job I thought I had turned into a non-job, slowly and painfully, and I wasn’t really sure about it until some time had passed. I found myself suddenly without any income and then with a sick cat and $2700 in surprise vet bills. Relationships I thought were great all went weird. So many of my first summer days were filled with more anxiety, confusion, and hurt than I’ve ever experienced in full years; I didn’t think I would make it through.

I became somewhat addicted to Tinder and OkCupid again. I found myself constantly searching for someone new to talk to, someone new to give me compliments, and hopefully someone new to fuck my face and call me a good girl. Once realizing that I really needed this after James and Alex, everything felt so frustrating as I was going without it. I started talking to a BUNCH of new guys, almost so many that I would get them confused. It seemed everyone in the city had an 8″ penis and wanted to dominate me. I had future sex dates planned with a ton of guys, but no extra-marital sex seemed to be happening. Everything was all talk. Everything was all frustration. Everything was dick pics but no dates. My sex drive was (is still) revved up to the max, but stuck on a Nascar style loop. I had a nice hang out with Ethan, but it wasn’t sexy, and I wonder(ed) if he’s even still interested in that.

Throw into the mix the fact that I was stood up a couple of times, and I’ve been feeling low. It’s felt impossible to work on business projects when everything (besides, thankfully my marriage and wonderful friends) was disintegrating. Work was failing. Non-monogamy was failing. Kink needs weren’t being met. Anxiety was rising. Depression was returning. I’ve felt lost, like I was constantly taking one step forward and two steps back.

There’s no point in getting into detail about all the people I’ve been talking to, stopped talking to, wanted to talk to, and so on. There’ve been some good developments and there have been some bad developments, but I’m coming out of it now. I had a successful first event for The Tiki Sea. I’ve found a terribly boring work-at-home-alone freelance job that at least pays the bills until the end of the summer when I might freak out again, but it’s good for now. And I’m going to meet my new Daddy tonight who I’m genuinely really excited for and think might actually work out. Yes, I realize that I said that about the last one, but I will fight my cynicism with a healthy dose of realistic optimism every single chance that I can, because that’s how I get through the day.

Oh, and then there was the out of the blue rock star story from the other night as well. I won’t share that with you, but I will tell you that it was enough to convince me that hey, maybe life is on the upswing again. Maybe things will be rad once more. Maybe I can get back to writing about good times soon enough. I think we’d all like that!