Always The Bride

So, I think there’s something wrong with me.

I’m not sure I know what it is though. I know I’ve gained weight lately; working at home and not having access to all my gym equipment temporarily has taken its toll on me. I have a little more cushion than I did before, so obviously I’m less desirable in the eyes of the dating world. I’m a little bit squidgier, I suppose.

Or maybe, if I stop fat-shaming myself – which is hard lately because I’m not strong like I used to, and my eating and moving habits are currently TERRible – I’m simply too authentic? Maybe people aren’t used to talking to a woman that knows what she wants, is vocal about it, and is generous with compliments, time, and affection when she likes someone. It doesn’t fit into the societal narrative that women are supposed to be chased, at least by men. We’re not supposed to be excited to meet someone, or to want to adjust our schedule to make time to do so. We’re supposed to be hard to get. We’re supposed to be challenging. We’re supposed to play dating games and make you wonder if you’re doing it right, but still have to pretend that you think you are, because that’s how gender roles work. You chase us with pure confidence and we make it challenging until you finally get through and you’ve “won.” Tee hee and all that.

That’s a whole lot of bullshit right there, isn’t it? I’m digressing a bit.

I’ve now had six dates with six different guys all fall through, in the last couple of months. I’ve been stood up the day of. People have been “sick / busy” and asked to reschedule but then when I get back in touch to do that, they’ve disappeared. People that were super communicative with me up until we were supposed to meet have just walked away. It’s easy to walk away from a woman who’s already married. She’s obviously not going to be upset, right? o_O

Honestly, I can’t figure it out, but it makes me think there’s something wrong with me. I’ve never had dating luck like this before, but my life is in a different place now, so perhaps I’ve changed and am too weird to date.

In my perfectly reasonable and logical mind, I know that’s not true. Lots of people say wonderful, great things about me all the time. Lots of people throw sexy compliments my way about me as a person (duh!), and my face (which I love) AND my body (which I currently am in a fight with), and that’s lovely and I’m grateful, but it doesn’t take away from that awful feeling that comes from having all of that anticipation and build-up – those days or weeks of excitement – turn into nothing. One of my less self-defeating theories is that people seem to think they like the authenticity but when it comes right down to it, they’re not used to someone as upfront as me. So they run. Because it’s easy to.

Yesterday I was supposed to meet someone I’m ridiculously excited about. Right now, he’s the main guy on the radar. He’s lovely and kind and handsome. Considerate and dominant and all around great. I could fall for him, easily. He was sick though and we had to cancel. This is a perfectly, completely valid reason to cancel, but when every single date that I’ve had lined up for months has cancelled the DAY OF, I cried. I definitely cried out of frustration for my entire summer (and because, let’s face it, the last two weeks have been really, really shitty in the world.) I cried like an idiot who shouldn’t have been crying, but did anyway because shut up with your shoulds and should nots. 😉

Because eventually, even when my Vulcan brain tells me that there’s nothing wrong with me and I’m either dealing with a) valid excuses from kind people or b) shitty excuses from shitty people that I shouldn’t want around anyway, my Betazoid brain just wants to weep. Weep mostly because I’ve got so much buildup and need for submission inside of me, and so many unfulfilled promises of spankings and instruction and being held up against the wall. 5 out of 6 dates have definitely had conversations about kink wrapped up in them and, to be honest, at this point I just need the release. It’s been a frustrating summer (year), and I want (need) to fall into the arms of a not so gentle, gentleman. (or pretty lady!)

Thankfully, Steph (husband) has been really wonderful lately. When I fall down, he picks me up. When he can’t help with something, he supports me finding someone/thing that can. And because of him, and our upcoming TENTH wedding anniversary, I can easily say that I’m definitely marriage material.

Always the bride, never the slutty girlfriend?

(This can’t be true. Is this my new reality??)