Review: Nuru … more like Noru

Cheesy puns aside, I was pretty excited to try the Nuru gel recently. Obviously the circumstances had a lot to do with it: Ridiculously planned out threesome with a close friend and a musician friend of mine who requested the stuff in the first place.

My good friends at Ohhh Canada provided me with everything I needed to get this body-on-body massage completed: one small bottle of massage gel: $19.99 and one matching massage sheet: $27.99.

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Before we got to our host’s hotel room, we thought we’d watch some Nuru videos online so that we’d know exactly how to use this stuff. That was definitely an experience, a cheesy, cheesy experience. Also, a little bit scary. When the video showed the big jug of Nuru concentrate that you pour into water and mix with your hands, it all started to feel a little bit like The Abyss, and I wondered if the small bottle was going to provide the same plasma-esque goop ride that its larger counterpart seemed to offer.

Our host was convinced that the small bottle of Nuru was going to be crap; I remained optimistic that the folks at Wet had manufactured a small product that would emulate its larger cousin, and told him to be patient; this would be totally sexy and perfectly fiiiine.

Turns out I was wrong. After we spread out the official Nuru reusable massage sheet – which is basically a $28 painter’s tarp that you feel compelled to get to go along with the gel because it’s made by the same company and what IF a cheapo painter’s tarp wouldn’t actually do the trick, but honestly honey, just get a tarp if mess concerns you that much – we then tried the gel. (Seriously though, if you want to cut up a body, Dexter style, maybe this tarp is for you, because it’s pretty great at not absorbing smells and also maybe blood, probably, I don’t actually know for real, but this seems like a good selling feature if that’s a thing you like? If it is, please tell me in the comments and I promise I won’t call the police at all.)

The videos showed us that it works best if you warm it in a bowl of hot water first. We didn’t do this. Maybe we should have because then this review would have been completely different.  Perhaps if we had, it would have been the wet, slippery, beautiful body-on-body gliding experience we were hoping for. Unfortunately, it wasn’t. The “oops this is” very cold gel did go on smooth. It did feel absolutely glorious when rubbing one naked body against another body, but it required a lot. I was constantly pouring the stuff on myself to stay “slippery”, which seemed excessive. I know I’m a big girl and have a lot of ground to cover, but it felt like I was going to run out of gel way faster than I should have just to keep up the slippery feel.

Instead of slippery, it turned sticky unfortunately quickly, which is not a very comfortable feeling when you’re trying to be sexy and sensual for an extended period of time. If you’re looking for a short little naked rub down, and don’t plan on the massage being the majority of the experience, then maybe Nuru gel is for you. But when you’re trying to have an entire experience based around it, I will suggest that not so much. Luckily we brought some other unscented massage oil and made the switch, or else the massage may have been ruined. Night over!

Thankfully, Ohhh Canada has an amazing return policy so you can try something from them and get a refund if it really doesn’t work for you, like the Nuru didn’t really work for us. And also thankfully, if you’re looking for something sexy and massage related, Ohhh carries a bunch of other products including the intoxicating Jimmyjane massage candles, and my personal favourite the lickable massage bars that come in NINE sexy flavours (super big-ups to the chocolate-orange and coconut), which are actually also really great for deep tissue massage!

Check them out, and other sexy, slippery products, online or in-store at Ohhh.