(No More) Daddy Issues

Fun fact: I am turning 35 in a month and I have a 27 year old Daddy.

It’s taken me a long time to get to this point. My kink path has taken me down some interesting exploratory routes as I’ve tried to find the right role for me. I’ve tried being a slave (that lasted all of 5 minutes – was he kidding me with those weird instructions?), a dominant (that I can do, but only with the right person, and it certainly doesn’t fill my heart with the same butterflies), a pet (lovely, but ultimately not satisfying enough), and a few other variations. They’ve all had their own levels of satisfaction, but none really felt like a “complete” fit.

Then I learned about being a babygirl and it really felt good. I could combine elements of most of the other roles I had enjoyed falling into, but it finally feel like one complete package. The only problem? As much as it seemed to be right for me, I still wasn’t ready for it. This was a few years back; I was still dating Andrew and I wanted to call him Daddy but couldn’t bring myself to do it. The pressure never came from him – he was fine if I said it or if I didn’t – instead it came from me. A longing to have a Daddy dominant / babygirl relationship with someone who equally wanted me to be in that role. I suppose in hindsight that I wasn’t comfortable saying it with someone who was blasé about taking it on as a moniker.

I stuffed the feeling down for a couple of years, convinced that I had gotten it wrong and it wasn’t for me. Perhaps just some casual choking and intense fucking would be enough. Then I met James. James reminded me that being kinky is a part of who I am and, for the first time ever, I felt comfortable calling somebody Daddy. (Read all about that here, if you want.) When we transitioned to just friends, or whatever the fuck internet “buddies” we are now (note, he did surprise me recently by showing up to a party of mine, after I hadn’t seen him in 8 months …), I realized that I was still going to be searching to find myself a Daddy.

What does having a Daddy mean to me? I recognize that it’s an area of kink that many people aren’t comfortable with. Up until very recently I still found myself being sort of freaked out by the idea of Daddy doms and littles; age play has never been a dynamic that appealed to me. I’m a grown ass woman who just so happens to want a Daddy. To me he is that voice of reason in my life, the person I turn to (besides Steph) when I want to share things. For 5 years Harvey was that voice to me, but our relationship lacked some of the other features that I have realized now I’ve been craving. In addition to that voice of reason, I crave the adoration that a Daddy would only bestow on his babygirl. The training, the protection, the punishments, and the stern face of disappointment when I’ve done something wrong … these things as a combo call my submissive name so clearly now. (James was well versed in all of these things, which is why in my mind he’s still always going to be Daddy 1.0. as I still share everything with him, at least online, while I’m currently with Daddy 2.0 … but I’ll get to that.)

Thankfully I started chatting to Guy Smiley in November who, upon meeting, I realized would at least take care of some elements I needed. A sadist with a smile, being with him is always a good time, though he admits that the more emotional dominance I’m looking for has never really been his thing.

Also in November I started chatting with a new handsome and delightful guy from out of town who would travel occasionally to Toronto to work. It seemed from our conversations that the dynamic would be easy. He was a stern and serious protector while I was eager to please though unsure how to do that without some guidance. When we met in December we shared a wonderful dinner and a lovely night in bed and I thought, and had hoped, that it would be the beginning of the relationship I so desperately craved. I would spend nights in bed fantasizing about it, mixing in thoughts of James, but eventually the replies slowed down with him coming back only to tell me that he would no longer be visiting the city, and just like that my hopes were dashed. Admittedly, I got my hopes up a lot more on my own because I wanted it so badly.

It seemed like this craving would never be satisfied and I was beginning to realize that I would have to be as satisfied as possible with kinky-ish relationships – which, to be fair, are all really freaking great, but then in December I started chatting with Graham and an interesting thing began to develop. Before we met I sensed that something was different about him. With a lot of the other guys who had stood me up, disappeared, or simply let me down since James, I was still falling for their words because I wanted to believe them. With Graham, I actually did believe them. Sure, I was apprehensive about his keenness at first; he’s pretty fresh off of a divorce and end of a 10 year relationship, but he also seemed very genuine and real. He hinted at some particularly interesting to me kinky thoughts and I realized that I had to meet him.

When we met, he wasn’t initially what I expected, especially not of a man that seemed to take so naturally to being dominant. Clean shaven, he looked younger than his pictures (though not anymore), and it was a bit of a challenge to match up the words that he had said to me with the person sitting across the dinner table. But I liked him and wanted to see if my intuition had returned to me after so many months of being a mostly terrible judge of character. After a bit of conversation at his new apartment, we ended up – to my actual surprise, based on chats we’d had – naked, and suddenly it was obvious. Our chemistry when horizontal is off the charts and I knew right away that I wanted him to stay around in my life.

(I won’t tell you the very funny first date story about how he puked right after sex, but trust me, it’s a good one.)

A couple of dates later, while we were fucking, I found myself wanting to cry out “Daddy.” It had become a word that I was finally getting more comfortable with, as I would often say it to myself while masturbation (sorry, not sorry, neighbours?), but saying it to someone else again was scary and very vulnerable. (Confession: I’ve said it under my breath while being with Steph for years, knowing that our dynamic isn’t quite that, but still wanting it to be anyway.) So as I said it once, I could tell that Graham really enjoyed it so I repeated it. Over and over during some definitely fantastic sex, I called him Daddy with a surprising amount of ease.

Afterwards I wondered to myself if this was the type of Daddy cry out that was strictly reserved for sex or if there was the possibility of a dynamic developing that I had been craving for oh so long. Even though kink is new to Graham, he’s 100% a natural at it, and I quickly realized that becoming his babygirl would be an easy choice to make. While he’s still developing his dominant style, not being as stern or sadistic as other people in the past or present, he makes me feel desired and protected and small in literally the best of ways. There’s something about feeling mentally and physically small, yet not in a degrading way. It’s a strange and magical comfort to me. I believe that the rest will come as every time we are together we level up in different ways. He’s finding his dominant footing and, strangely out of character for me, I have all sorts of patience for it.

It’s an amazing feeling, being “safe.” I know that in my regular life I am an independent 34 year old woman, on top of my shit, and I don’t need anyone taking of me to survive in this world – (ok, slight lie … Steph takes the absolute best care of me and I would honestly be lost without him) – but I have also come to realize that I have an inner babygirl who is really craving a place to rest her head and a Daddy to protect her. It’s a choice I make with Graham, allowing him to see me at my most vulnerable, allowing him to take control and do with me what he chooses. It doesn’t matter if I have years of kink experience or age on him, he talks to me like he’s Daddy and I’m his babygirl, so that’s how we just are. We have plenty of moments where we can be simply nerdy Graham and dorky Samantha without any of the added layers, but sometimes it’s nice to know that I can slip into a more devilishly innocent, easily malleable, slightly needy version of myself without fear of judgment or it being weird.

I’ve even found myself wanting to try kink things with him that I haven’t even thought of before. Simple things, really, but now they come to mind as options because I feel so much safer than I have in the past. He’s called me a little and, while age play isn’t really ever my thing, I admit that I find myself wanting to be more cutesy, more in need of a Daddy’s firm hand than I’ve let myself before. I’m ok with being his little, his kitten, his princess, or whatever else he wants to call me really.

The coolest part of all of it? I can have a Daddy in my life now, something that I’ve craved for a long time, and still feel balanced. Maybe it’s because i’m covered in a thicker layer of cynicism now due to so many poly disappointments in 2014, maybe I’m simply older and /or wiser, but I can be a babygirl with Graham – which admittedly can be quite a heavy emotional weight – and not have it affect my relationship with Steph, or with other partners, dominant or otherwise, that I’m currently seeing. I can still crave them separately as Samantha while babygirl Samantha also exists on the same plain. I can surround myself with my “army of dominants” and everything feels all good with no need for competition.

This relationship is also teaching me a lot about vulnerability. I am a lot more comfortable now showing my true self to others, friends, lovers, or even strangers. I’ve always been that way to a point, and maybe people who know me wouldn’t actually notice a difference, but I feel it internally. I have this extra safety net now, so going out into the world and being my complete self is just that little bit easier than it was before.

Graham and I have a long way to go, I hope. There are more things I want to try, more sternness I want to experience, and more things for both of us to learn, but I can confidently say now that I love my Daddy and I’m thrilled to be his babygirl.