It’s been a while since I turned the mirror on myself for a little self-examination and I think I’m overdue so here goes.

Most of you already know. I’ve been in an open marriage for 3.5 years and it probably saved my relationship, or at the very least saved from a life of denying that I was . . . → Read More: Through My Looking Glass]]>

It’s been a while since I turned the mirror on myself for a little self-examination and I think I’m overdue so here goes.

Most of you already know. I’ve been in an open marriage for 3.5 years and it probably saved my relationship, or at the very least saved from a life of denying that I was unhappy when it truth I must have been when I think of how ridiculously happy I am now. (I mean it only makes sense!)I’ve gone from severe sluttery to love to brief BDSM relationships and back again. I’ve fallen in love at various levels on multiple occasions. I’ve drunkenly slept with friends, I’ve had strangers tie me up, I’ve been the crazy girl that’s been probably rightfully dumped and I’ve given so much of myself that I’ve lost focus and didn’t treat everyone as well as I could’ve. When I look back, it’s easy to skim over the memories, but holy shit it freaks me out when I really think about the past few years.

When I fell for the sous chef in 2007, I fell crazy hard. He was the first guy to affect me emotionally in a serious way. Looking back, it was the craziest lust I’d ever felt up to that point, but we were pushed into it … he didn’t own a couch. Lying down was the only option!! When he called things off, I went um, slightly off the deep end. In our relationship I had become the crazy one. My first official open marriage break-up and my brain imploded. I’d had no training for that, I was a total newb! It’s totally embarrassing when I look back on it.

Even after my first breakup the second big one with the Kids hit me really hard. There’s nothing like being helpless as someone tells you of their decision to change your life’s direction. Trying to hold it together at home as a wife while feeling like a freshly dumped single person is challenging beyond belief.

Luckily, there haven’t really been too many heartaches in our house. We’ve had some challenges, some situations that worked out not in our favor, and some people who have left our lives as quickly as they’ve come in but not with animosity. Or at least, not much.

Strangely, my longest relationship this entire time has been with Harvey. He’s cheating. I’m open. He’s a liar. I tell the truth so much I get myself in trouble. I have no excuse and neither does he, but I’m content with it because he means a lot to me.

And then there’s the current crew, and they’re not going anywhere. The Drapers are the “Forever” that the Kids never stood a chance at being. While it’s been an occasionally tumultuous year and a bit, my love for the two of them is constantly growing. And it seems that everyone’s individual relationships within the dynamic of the four of us are strengthening too, which is fantastic and lately we’ve had more individual dates. I don’t know if we’ll partake in any group nakedness again, or girl + girl, but I don’t worry about them not being around for a long time to come so who knows. As for other peeps, Kitty might not always be in my bedroom, but she’s a dear friend and kindred spirit for life. And the same goes for the rest of the crew. You know who you are.

Sadly there are some relationships that didn’t work out this year already. Some people I had hopes for getting closer with / sharing polyamory stories / sometime sharing beds with didn’t like me as I’d wished. Or did, but I fucked it up. Or maybe they do and I didn’t, but I’m too dumb to figure it all out so it’s gone in a completely different direction than I had hoped. I really don’t know, to be honest.

Such is life. I can only talk about it so much before I talk myself into a deep underground grave.

I think I’ve gotten a handle on it all now though, kind of. Steph and I are amazing. We deal with jealousy and time management with a lot more ease than when we first started. Our sex life has improved by a mile and we understand each other now. I mean, really understand each other.

When I look back at myself over the past few years, I know I’ve been the same person all the way through; I’m just so much more complete now. I’ve realized now how important it is to be with people who either aren’t newbs to the whole situation OR to have extra patience with those that are, if I want to be with them for any length of time.

If I look at my reflection in the looking glass now, I hope that it finally shows a woman who loves as much as she can, is one helluva dirty bitch, and is worth knowing, even if just a little or just for a while.

Despite what people might . . . → Read More: Seven swams a swimming]]>

NOTE: This is an absolute too much information post, so please don’t read if you can’t handle it. Really, I think this stuff is like any other fun activities. We talk about our other daily activities, life would be so much better if only sex didn’t have to be an exception.

Despite what people might think, weeks like this are not common place just because I’m open. Sometimes – most of the time, really – it’s like I’m married and monogamous, flirting with others, but no more, and then other times … well, here’s the last 7 days or so, in no particular order:

• At least ten fantasies realized within 12 hours
• Second foursome ever, but way better this time
• First, however brief since it was just a pee break for she, mmf
• Dommed in front of husband and lover, by other lover – brain explosion as worlds collided
• Visited by Harvey for staycation hang out and bj
• Night of threesome fun with people I love dearly until 4 am
• Drunken sexy chats
• Established book writing reward system: Finish writing a book chapter, get to make the “o” face
• Another night of threesome fun with man I’d never met but heard a lot about

And a partridge in a pear tree.

Though I’m not losing my ass as fast as I’d like to be, I still notice the influence every day that life with a trainer brings. Too . . . → Read More: Trainer vs. Dom]]>

Recently while working out I realized something that I found kind of hilarious. My relationship with my personal trainer reminds me of a relationship one might have with a Dom.

Though I’m not losing my ass as fast as I’d like to be, I still notice the influence every day that life with a trainer brings. Too much bread today? Grab some veggies. Going out drinking? Vodka water, please. I’ve stopped doing a lot of things because I know I’ll have to report back to him and I’d rather not have him be disappointed.

Sometimes it’s like having a constant guilt-trip on my shoulder. Not that I think it’s unnecessary. I agree completely with the point of it, I wouldn’t be shelling out all the cash if I didn’t. We’re working together towards a goal and both have vested interests in the success of said goal.

So onto the comparison. Just like when I was involved in a D/s relationship with Harvey in 2007/08, I am filled with the urge to not disappoint my trainer. When he recently was reading my nutrition log, I hated having him read “Booze, Cake, Booze” even though it was from an Easter celebration and I was totally justified. Just like with a Dom, I can’t lie to him, though I often wish I could. I’d rather tell someone the truth and deal with the consequences – whether it’s 10 extra push ups or 10 hard spanks on the ass.

His encouragement when I’m struggling pushes me through it. Like being told I’m a good girl for pleasing someone the way they wanted, it makes me feel the same inside when he tells me I’ve worked really hard, though thankfully, it doesn’t turn me on. That would be awkward!

There’s no way that a relationship with a trainer could ever fill the desire I have to be submissive with the right person, but it’s definitely good filler in between a good spanking.

To start with, don’t judge – try . . . → Read More: BD what? … Part 2]]>

As if opening up your relationship isn’t sometimes intimidating enough, imagine how it feels when one partner decides to pursue outside BDSM relationships. Without proper communication to discuss the ramifications of this, things can get sticky, so I offer you some thoughts / experience / advice to take with you.

To start with, don’t judge – try not to at least. If your partner comes to you with a sexual fantasy that they want to share with you, the worst thing you can do is make them feel ashamed about it. They are coming to you as a safe place, and to judge them isn’t fair, supportive or helpful. If you do feel that urge to judge when your partner tells you they might like to be dominated or to dominate, get dressed up in latex, or whatever else floats their boat, take some time to think about it before you decide how you feel:

• Does the idea of your partner in a role possibly outside the norm that you know them in scare or intimidate you?

  It’s perfectly normal to feel this way. When we are with someone for a period of time, roles become defined. If one partner generally wears the pants more often, it can be scary for the other person to imagine them removing them, pun intended, to allow someone else in. For example, seeing your strong partner desire to be “weak” can do a real mind fuck with you if you don’t try to discover the reasoning behind it.

• Are you worried for what it means to your relationship?

  Let’s say your partner gets off on pain but the thought of physically “hurting” them is too much for you to bear. Don’t allow that thought to threaten your security. Remember that when you came into your relationship you were two separate people and it’s ok to have separate interests now.

  Open relationships allow us to experience different things with people. We all have friends in our life that exist for their own distinct reasons. This is somewhat an extension of that idea. You don’t have to be the person that smacks them if you’re not comfortable, but trust me, it is definitely fun to experiment. Allow yourself to be open to new thoughts and ideas you might not be initially comfortable with.

• Do you feel that your role is more blurry?

  This is a big one. A man I know found himself in a situation where his wife of 20 years became involved with a Master. For a while he was angry often, not being able to deal with the situation as it was. He had to realize that what she wanted was for her, and didn’t reflect on their relationship together. For my husband, the idea of meeting Harvey, when Harvey and I used to have a somewhat d/s relationship, made him feel inferior and unsure of himself and his role as husband to someone who was occasionally submissive.

  If your partner wants or is being dominated by another, it’s perfectly understandable that you would feel threatened by this. Chances are that if you are involved or getting into non monogamy you have a pretty equal relationship to begin with. Bring in an outsider who’s going to be dominant with your partner, and you might just feel that they are indirectly dominating you.

BDSM can involve many things. Sometimes it’s psychological play, sometimes strictly physical. Other times a combo of the two, and sometimes just light play. If you are looking to explore these areas while in a relationship, it’s important to sit down and talk it over with your partner.

Recently someone told me that he had realized it wasn’t that he didn’t want to dominate his wife, just that for the longest time he didn’t know how. When you’re so used to the roles you exist in, stepping out of them can be very intimidating, even (translation especially) with the person you feel the safest with. This is why it can be easier to experiment with someone new. The history does not exist and can be formed from scratch as you go. Don’t fault yourself if your partner is able to slip into a new role with someone else. Instead, look at it as an opportunity for some personal growth and reflection. Perhaps time to step outside your comfort zones together.

From my own experiences, when I first discovered an interest in BDSM, my friend Harvey led the way. Realizing that I wanted to please him and make him proud was made all the more obvious when he hauled off and slapped me one night for not doing as he had asked. Of course it was part of play and I enjoyed it thoroughly, but my husband did not act favorably to it. He couldn’t understand why Harvey hit me, and why I enjoyed it. This was a year and a half ago and we’re only now able to start bringing more of this style of play into our relationship.

Once he realized how it made me feel, and the reasons I enjoyed it, he started to come around to embracing it, and stopped judging. Not to say that he’ll ever be fully into it, but that’s ok because he doesn’t have to be. We have been able to let our roles together evolve. He understands why I enjoy it so much (read BD what: Part 1), and I understand his level of comfort with things.

There are no rules that say you must be into everything your partner is. There is nothing that dictates that the two of you must share the same experiences. The only rule I suggest you have is to communicate. Rather than allowing new kinks and fetishes to threaten or intimidate you, look at them as a time to learn and experiment. By taking some pressure of yourselves and taking baby steps, you’ll figure out your new roles sooner than you think.

While discussing all the relationships that I’d had in 2008 (see this post for details), I mentioned to her a . . . → Read More: BD … what? Part 1]]>

Recently I spent an afternoon with one of my old, dear friends from college. We hadn’t caught up in a while and there was lots to tell her about the life and times of lil’ old me.

While discussing all the relationships that I’d had in 2008 (see this post for details), I mentioned to her a couple of BDSM relationships I was involved in.

“BD what?” she asks? Oh, she’s cute alright. Thankfully, also completely nonjudgmental. One of the reasons that I haven’t really touched upon the subject of BDSM very much in this blog, is because I just haven’t been ready to share an interest with the world that is so personal. Yes, even Samantha has limits. Lately though, after lots of conversation with Steph and with some new and very important people in our lives, I’ve decided to be brave and share a few thoughts with you on the topic.

In this post I’m going to touch on;

1. The anatomy of a sub
   1. Giving up control
   2. Getting validation
   3. Pushing myself
   4. A sexual state of being

Here goes nothing.

The Anatomy of a Sub, from my point of view

Anyone who knows me well outside of the bedroom probably can’t think of me as having submissive tendencies. I’m a strong woman. I wear the pants in my family, most of the time (even if they’re often disguised as skirts.) I’m a busy girl, with an overly busy mind and that’s what’s key in my occasional desire to give in to someone else’s hand and mind.

When I let someone else take control – and yes, for me I see it as something I do willingly, all of a sudden I don’t have to think anymore. All of the thoughts that are flying around in my head freeze in mid-air.

The idea of escaping into someone else’s decisions is so very powerful. Relaxing. Sexy. Freeing.

If my husband lists off to me all the food in the fridge that we could possibly have for dinner, then my brain has to make yet another decision. If he just makes something for me, my brain gets relief. I (usually) end up happy with whatever I’m given because I didn’t have to think about it.

That’s one aspect, that mental peace.

The second aspect for me comes from the validation that I receive from being a “Good Girl”. I’m not into the slave, humiliation, kiss my boot type of submission. What I’ve learned over time though is how nice it is to get validation from someone that I’ve done a good job. I believe this has a lot to do with the fact that I’m very much an independent woman when left to my own devices.

I left home at 17, my mum left the country, and I had to fend for myself. I’m very comfortable with my own decisions and rarely get feedback or validation for them which is ok. I am perfectly happy to live this way, doing things as I see fit, but when someone tells me that I’m a good girl for doing something as small as having an orgasm, for some reason it means a lot. Someone is paying attention to me, to the details of what I’m doing. It’s the ultimate validation, so I want to do my very best.

Next is the idea of pushing yourself. It can be very easy to let ourselves get away with things. When you work out, do you ever honestly work as hard by yourself as you would with a trainer? I know I don’t. It’s a lot easier to give in to being comfortable without someone pushing you to go further. Same goes in the bedroom. There are some things that you can do in that role that are completely uncomfortable. Ask me if I’d do them on my own, and often I’ll say “No way.” Get me to do them for someone else? Suddenly it’s a different story. Suddenly I want to push myself, to step out of my comfort zone while still feeling safe with the person I’m with.

Lastly comes being sexual. There are many ways to be sexual and those who are dominant can be equally as charged as those who are submissive. Not being the one in control though, and doing what someone asks of you sexually, just for the sake of it, can be a very empowering feeling. Being forced to admit your desires, to show off your body, to please someone else … all of these things to some people can be humiliating. Terrifying, to some degree. By giving into them, the sexuality of just being in the moment and admitting your desires, however filthy they are, can be freeing.

Many subs want to feel special, desired, worthy of another’s passion. When you’re being dominant, you really have to pay attention to detail. Since I’ve played in both roles, when being submissive I appreciate the focus that someone is giving me. They have chosen me as the person to spend time with, the one they want to please them.

There are many types of subs, as there are many types of doms. Some people like to bottom, some people like to top. Some people are heavily involved in the psychology of it all, some are just pain sluts. This anatomy of a sub only touches on the parts that I experience, and there’s more where this came from.

In my next post on this topic, I will talk about BDSM and open relationships. How it can work, and what roadblocks to look out for. It can be challenging for everyone involved, but with a little thought process adjustment, anyone can *cough* master it.