Not Your Mothers Playground» Cheating

Men Only Cheat When…

samantha — Fri, 26 Mar 2010 16:39:43 +0000

Recently I was asked to write a guest blog post for Met Another Frog, about the myths behind men cheating.

Met Another Frog is geared to urban women and offers stories, social commentary and ‘edutainment’ about:

dating and relationships
love
sex
achieving personal satisfaction on one’s own terms

My challenge? Explain the myths behind men cheating.

Read on, and let me know what you think.

Men only cheat when they’re unhappy partners, or with women who are better looking than you.

What you just read, is a partial myth. It’s an easy one to live with as the reasons are so easy to understand and therefore ignore. Not happy? Then of course he’ll stray. Better looking than you? Well honey, you just never stood a chance. Don’t blame yourself.

The fact is that men cheat for many other reasons, and today, I’m going to shed some light on the issue by breaking some of them down for you. Why am I qualified? Well I’ve been in an open relationship for three and a half years and for almost three of those I’ve had an “undefinable” relationship with a married man. He loves his wife dearly, and despite the unforgivable lies and deceit, he’s a very caring and respectable husband. It can happen.

Reason #1 – He Feels Ignored

I believe that a large percentage of everything that men do is guided by ego; not to say that’s a bad thing. Society grows our men up with the idea that they need to be tough and ready to handle anything; but when it comes to relationships – personal or business – men can be as sensitive as us girls. If a man feels he’s being ignored and another woman gives him a little attention; it’s a hard thing to resist. You might think that this is the same as being unhappy, but I believe that because there are so many layers to the word “unhappy”, we shouldn’t use it as a blanket statement.

Reason #2 – “I’m Proud Of You”

Without proper care a long-term relationship can sometimes wear a man down. Years of “Can you take out the garbage?”, “Did you pick up the milk?” and “I have a headache” can easily lead to two partners living as roommates, without much of a romantic connection. When all a man hears from his SO is nagging, nagging, and wait for it ladies…still more nagging, the appeal of another woman telling him that he’s doing something right is virtually irresistible.

Often times the ‘other women’ aren’t any better looking the partners of the men who cheat. These men aren’t with them for looks alone. They’re with them because they feed their egos. A man yearns to be praised by his woman, to sense and feel her admiration for him: so much so that he’ll chase the feeling – straight into another woman’s arms.

Reason #3 – He’s Not Built For Monogamy

Maybe I’m biased, but I don’t believe monogamy is natural for everyone. It certainly isn’t for me, though I do follow my own personalized version of it, and since opening up my relationship I’ve met many men who feel the same way. They love their partners deeply, but want to experience sex with many other people. Since non-monogamy is still not widely accepted by society, these men often have difficulty broaching the topic with their mates. The brave few who do raise the subject are usually shut down by wives or girlfriends, who are adamantly against it. So, many men who love their partners, don’t want to lose them, and also long to experience sex with others, find themselves stuck with only one option – cheating. The men who take this route aren’t necessarily falling out of love with their partners. They’re just selfish, scared and/or unwilling to disrupt their family lives.

Reason #4 – He’s a Little Kinky

Some men like to have a kinky secret that is set apart from their relationship – something their partners know nothing about. These men may have tried to share their kinky side with their SOs only to find that their female partners don’t want to be choked or see them wearing a collar and a leash. But if a man’s kinky habit is a big part of who he is, he’ll have trouble denying it. For men like this, cheating will always appear to be the best option.

Reason # 5 – Cheating Is The Norm

Despite the fact that cheating is wrong and there’s isn’t really any good excuse for it, it really is the norm. We humans have been cheating since time immemorial. Also, with the media constantly bombarding us with celebrity sex scandals and tales of infidelity, I think many of us are starting to expect it. Few of these reports tackle the reasons why people cheat. Instead they spin something like Tiger Woods’ philandering into a sex addiction – one he can’t control without help – and avoid discussing the lack of honest communication or the weak emotional connection he probably faced in his marriage. Furthermore, the fact that in 2010 it’s still more acceptable to admit to being a cheater than to say you’re in a healthy and happy polyamorous/swinging relationship, is proof that infidelity is more accepted by society than we’d like to admit.

Sadly, if we ALL don’t make an effort to improve the way we communicate and behave in our relationships, people will continue to cheat and hurt the ones they love the most. We ALL need to take responsibility for opening up to our partners about what we’re really feeling. So, be honest with yourself and your mate about what you need to make your relationship work for you, and why you think you’re not getting it at home.

Read the post on the Met Another Frog site by clicking here.

Seven swams a swimming

samantha — Thu, 28 May 2009 05:12:58 +0000

NOTE: This is an absolute too much information post, so please don’t read if you can’t handle it. Really, I think this stuff is like any other fun activities. We talk about our other daily activities, life would be so much better if only sex didn’t have to be an exception.

Despite what people might think, weeks like this are not common place just because I’m open. Sometimes – most of the time, really – it’s like I’m married and monogamous, flirting with others, but no more, and then other times … well, here’s the last 7 days or so, in no particular order:

At least ten fantasies realized within 12 hours
Second foursome ever, but way better this time
First, however brief since it was just a pee break for she, mmf
Dommed in front of husband and lover, by other lover – brain explosion as worlds collided
Visited by Harvey for staycation hang out and bj
Night of threesome fun with people I love dearly until 4 am
Drunken sexy chats
Established book writing reward system: Finish writing a book chapter, get to make the “o” face
Another night of threesome fun with man I’d never met but heard a lot about

And a partridge in a pear tree.

2008 – Where are you now?

samantha — Sat, 03 Jan 2009 21:40:17 +0000

I’m not one for New Years resolutions, but I’m going through some realizations as this Christmas holiday break draws to a close. 2008 has been a big mixed bag of tricks. Not only have there been ups and downs in my *normal* life, but dating has definitely been … different this year.

More for my gratification than yours, I’m afraid, here’s my year in review. I can’t offer any words of advice in it, this is strictly a personal post as I’m terribly interested in what the f*ck happened this year to make me SO excited for it to be over! Here goes nothing …

January – A pretty normal month. Cold, snow everywhere, and my friend living in our basement. Relationship with Harvey (married friend who I dabbled in BDSM with) was getting more intense, leading up to him coming over to the house and me making sure the place looked great to impress him (?) – THAT makes my giggle now, because when he came over last time in the fall, I *might* have done the dishes or picked up some papers strewn on the floor, the end.

February – Accidental, drunken group sex at a friends party causes Steph and I to face some demons and realize some things together about what’s ok, and what’s not and sometimes how alcohol can bend some of those rules regardless. Steph travels to Durham region to see the woman again, and we deal with that situation ok-ish. Randomly, I go to a Raptors game with a man I’d only met once, a year prior, to fuck. We had fun at the game, a little makeout and said good night.

Harvey finally comes over to the house, things go swimmingly well. A few days later meet another boy for a fun night, someone who ends up becoming a good friend to me now, though we have a strange relationship. A day or so later, meet a new cute girl who I see twice in one week for random fun. (Husband was away in San Fransisco – I made the most of my week alone, obviously!).

After San Fran we discover that the video game studio we both work for is laying off over 40 of us. Suddenly the month doesn’t look so good as it did as I’m left unemployed. At least Steph still had a job.

March – I throw myself into searching for a job like a madwoman. A good friend suggests I start this blog, so I do! Close to the end of the month, Steph is let go from work as well, so we’re suddenly faced with the reality of neither of us having a job. Doesn’t really bode that well for the sex life as we’re not feeling too great.

April – A strange month. I had a tan at the beginning of it because it was so warm outside that I just worked with Lappy in the backyard, blogging and job searching. Forgive me, anyone I dated, but I can’t remember much happening on that front, though I did meet a lovely gal that has become one of my nearest and dearest girlfriends/mores. Close to the end of the month, I did join a BDSM website out of curiosity. I wanted to understand more about the understanding that Harvey and I had created. Why I was drawn to certain aspects of D/s psychology, who else was involved in these things and what could I learn from them?

A few days later after joining, my stepbrother died in a tragic boating accident. Being so far away (he lived in NS), I felt this strange disconnect. Looking back I can see now how I threw myself into the quickly forming (I hesitate to use the word) relationships, that were so intensely psychological, as a way to deal with the grief I was going through. It was definitely a learning experience for me on how everyone grieves differently and how we shouldn’t feel guilty for dealing in our own way.

The funeral was tough, full of a lot of the same people that were at my dad’s funeral in 2004. The same minister, same decorations, same little sandwiches. It was a tough time and I miss my little bro.

May – After coming back from the funeral in NS, I decided to keep pursuing these D/s relationships and I met a few people in that lifestyle. I quickly learned what I didn’t want out of an external BDSM relationship, and that was to be humiliated and made to feel like a piece of shit. What I had with Harvey was a style of relating and I wanted more of that. Steph seemed to be ok with me pursuing these interests as it was helping me discover more about myself and helping us to define our relationship better. I got into some interesting situations that deserve at least their own book section someday, but we’ll leave them alone for now. Family friendly blog and all.

Friend moved out of basement, and Steph and I suddenly remembered what it was like to walk around in our undies and not have to worry about it.

I can’t remember if it was May or April, but at some point a good friend of mine and I went out, got drunk and randomly fucked. It was totally a surprise to me, as I was convinced he had no interest, and ended up being totally irrelevant to our relationship as friends (a good thing!). I didn’t tell Steph when it happened because I just didn’t know how; though I ended up telling him one night when drunk. Being the absolute dear that he is, he mentioned my confession the next day, and was ok with it; me waiting to tell him, and the actual act itself. What a darling he is!

In May I also had a random drunken one night stand. Something I hadn’t done since my college days. Thanks to the wonders of the internet though, I was able to find him on Facebook, and after a little convincing, he and I are great friends now. (Told you I wasn’t crazy, darlin’.) I also started a new job!

June – This month was an adjustment, getting used to working again. It suddenly wasn’t so easy to date people whenever I wanted anymore. Haha! This is the month when I first heard from S, and Steph and I were so excited about the idea of meeting a local, open couple. (Hindsight being what it is, we should have focused less on being wooed because they were local, and more on the relationships we were forming as a group of four.) Needless to say, we were excited about the possibilities moving forward with them, and life seemed pretty great as Steph was also doing some contract work right next to my job, so we were getting back on track.

July – Not much change here. S and I realized we were well on our way to becoming great friends and things seemed to be going pretty good for the four of us. Work was getting better as we hired some new peeps, and even though it rained a lot, Steph and I were enjoying lots of lunches outside work, underneath our favorite tree. He was still dating this one girl that I never met and we had a few situations of him being out with her where I wasn’t so thrilled about it all. (As made apparent with the infamous Drunken Shower post.) I did realize from his relationship with her that most of the issues he and I would face when dating other people came from problems that existed before non-monogamy ever came into play. Looking back, his time with her was a good learning experience for the two of us.

August – Said girl from above decides to break up with Steph citing the fact that he’s in an open relationship and possibly sleeping with others as her reasoning. I think to myself “Um, hello honey? He was in an open relationship the entire time you were dating. Did you not realize that before hand?”. Anyway, Harvey was recently married so that brought about a change in my relationship with him, but I was mainly wrapped up in being swamped at work and what S and I were becoming.

September – Work was crazy busy this month. I was published in the National Post, finally, after weeks of waiting for the story to come out. (Read that here if you haven’t already.) Between Steph, work and S, there wasn’t really much time to focus on anything else. Though, Harvey and I were starting to talk again like we did before he tied the knot, and I was selfishly ok with that.

October – Ok, so I said work was crazy in September, but October really got bat shit insane. I didn’t see S very much, and when talking to him was definitely sensing more tension from his gf than he’d hinted at previously. I was constantly stressed and pretty much unhappy during this month. Looking back I’d say it sucked big donkey balls, for sure. Except for our annual Halloween party. That was the bestest party evar! And of course, except for the fact that after months and months of feeling unsure about whether I should or shouldn’t, I finally made out with a gf of mine, and then had a sexy date with her which was a really fun way to spend an afternoon. Harvey also came over for another fun day of video games and sexy fun, which was very welcomed.

I was also mentioned on CBC Radio, which brought many of you to my site!

November – This was a weird month. Dealing with the aftermath of October’s big work events being over, and Steph was just settling in with his gig at DrinkBox Studios. S was unemployed (curse the damn economy), and outside of a Smashing Pumpkins concert I took him to for his birthday and Xmas, I barely saw him or talked to him. I knew he was going through some personal shiz, and I didn’t want to add any stress to him or his relationship, so I backed off and focused on my life.

We all know how that worked up with him being told to break it off with me at the end of the month by his gf out of the blue. AWEsome.

December – So finally, we come to this month. The first few weeks of this month truly sucked. I couldn’t get my brain to just shut up and stop thinking about the whole messy situation with S. I’d wake up randomly throughout the night and have my head construct emails, poems, blog posts, random sentences. It was annoying, and I considered heavy alcohol use just to shut my brain up. As we know, time heals most, and eventually I came to terms with the whole deal. I miss him, and I know we’ll see each other as friends soon, but I’m over the situation.

All that suckage being said, this was a great month for Steph and I. It’s amazing to me how we keep getting closer and closer, figuring out things between us to help us be happy and healthy together. It might sound bizarre, but he truly was an amazing support for me, dealing with not so much the breakup, but the sadness of knowing someone thought so negatively of me when I’d tried my darnedest to make a situation work. I know our marriage will inevitably get stronger, but December was really a great month for making it as strong as it is now. (Thanks babe!)

Finally, I got into the Xmas spirit the Saturday before Xmas Eve, and have ended up having the best holidays I’ve had at this time of year for a looong time. There’s a girl that Steph’s gone out for dinner with for quite a few months, and impromptuly, she invited us over to her house to hang with she and her husband who we were planning on having dinner with in January anyway. Knowing that she was cool from a few emails we’d exchanged, and also trusting Steph’s judgment, I was really excited about getting to know both she and he better.

Since that night, things have improved ten fold, and I’m over the moon about their presence in our life. I think that’s worth saving for another post though. Don’t you?

If you’ve made it through all of this, you probably feel like you might if you’ve listened to a full year in review countdown of music on the radio. Some of the songs were entertaining. Some bored you to tears, and some you couldn’t stand. I thank you for staying with me though, and look forward to spending 2009 with you, my dear curious readers!

Happy 2009!
Samantha x

Follow up – What IS selfish?

samantha — Fri, 07 Nov 2008 02:24:14 +0000

Dictionary.com defines “selfish” as “devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one’s own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others.”

What most of really think of when we hear the word is the last three words. Being selfish has gotten a bad rap, but it’s not that surprising. If you’re selfish, it is assumed that you are probably greedy, inconsiderate, and in general a jerk. There just has to be something more to the word than just its negative connotations.

Sure, there’s bad sides to being selfish. Take my last post for example. The two of us have definitely been selfish, and there’s no denying it. Whether or not you’re the cheater, or someone involved in aiding a cheater, you’re still being guided by selfish desires. A friend asked me about that today, and I couldn’t deny it. I won’t say that it makes it right by admitting it, but I’m okay with that. I have been told by quite a few of my moral friends that it’s not my responsibility to worry about morals and ethics in this situation, but I know that I’m still taking part and that’s being selfish, plain and simple.

One thing I’ve learned though since being open, is that being selfish really is inherently human. No matter how good and giving a person you are, it’s important to always be looking out for yourself. This isn’t a bad thing, it’s the good kind of selfish. I’ve seen plenty of advice to parents over the years that reminds them to take time for themselves, indulge in something just for them, even if for a brief moment. Taking care of themselves means they’ll be better equipped to take care of their family.

And in relationships, being selfish can actually be a good thing. There’s nothing that says that you can’t be both giving and selfish at the same time. By branching away from being the same person and rediscovering my identity through non-monogamy, I’ve been able to realize and remember my own desires, likes and dislikes. Fantasies that I might have been too afraid to discuss in the past for fear of not being accepted for having my own, personal and selfish desires, outside of our desires as a couple.

There are plenty of things that I’ve done for friends or co-workers that are often considered nice, giving, considerate, and so on, but really, many of these things are selfishly motivated. For example, I recently bought two tickets to see the Pumpkins at Massey Hall. I really wanted to go, and my husband wasn’t really interested. So, because I knew the lovely boy I’m dating would be up for it, but couldn’t afford the ridiculously overpriced ticket, I decided that it would equal a good birthday and Christmas present for him. He gets to go for free, I get company. Seems nice, AND it’s selfishly motivated. Win – win says I!

So while I won’t suggest that cheating or gambling are necessarily “good” selfish behaviours, I will say that there is nothing wrong with taking some time to be a little selfish and figure out what works best for you, in all aspects of your life.

Whether it’s sexually or not, there is always truth to the expression: ‘Tis better to give AND receive.

Forgive me, for I have sinned

samantha — Thu, 06 Nov 2008 04:54:59 +0000

Hello lovelies, I think it’s high time I get back to writing to you. Granted, it’s only been a couple of weeks since I’ve made real contact, but the amount of things that have been running through my brain lately have made it feel like forEVER. Work has kept my mind and body busy, and there has been little time for wandering, but I have on a few, small occasions.

Just over a week ago now, I had one of my friends come over to visit. My husband took himself shopping (his love of buying himself cool things never ceases to amuse me) and I had the day to entertain myself and said friend. For the sake of personal nostalgia, we’ll call him Harvey.

Harvey and I have known each other now almost two years, and I would say that over the course of that time, he’s been a big influence in my life. Introducing me to BDSM, unknowingly helping me become a stronger person – a person who used to feel self conscious speaking to people out loud; a girl who believed in her character on paper, but not so much in reality.

What makes our relationship weird, for lack of a better word, is that he’s married. He wasn’t when we first started talking, just dating back then. A safe person for me to flirt with because I knew the score. He’d let me flirt, I’d get rejected, and in doing so, I’d start to get over that fear of rejection that so many of us have because it was all fun and light anyway. Then we crossed a line, one that we’ve crossed on a few occasions since, including that visit, just over a week ago.

Now, you might be wondering to yourself … how does this make sense? As someone who preaches openness and honesty, strong communication on all fronts, how could I possibly be involved with someone who’s (very sporadically) cheating? Well, just over a year ago I used to see it as something so very black and white, but there really are so many shades of gray involved, that it deserves examining. Of course, at the end of the day, if the other person finds out, all of these gray areas simply become black and white again, but let’s look at it a little closer anyway.

While I can never approve of lies and deceit (and have often wrestled in my own head the idea of being the other, even just occasional, woman), it can feel great having something that is just yours, that no one – or very few people – are wise to. Being completely open with my husband, as much as it works and as nice as it is; there is just something so desirable about being sneaky. Keeping a secret, especially a sexy secret – well, it’s invigorating. It’s an ego boost that you can keep to yourself and not worry about friends dissecting to death and taking away from you.

In this scenario, my husband knows all about Harvey. To him, he’s a regular part of my life, and he trust me in my interactions with him. It makes sense as Harvey and I are such good friends. They have yet to meet, but I’m sure will some day. It also gives me peace, that my husband knows me so well, that I am a kind and loving person, and that there is no malicious intent whatsoever in my relationship with Harvey, and that he feels comfortable with me spending time with him.

Perhaps initially the idea of knowing that Harvey and I had to be private was a thrill. We became creative in our use of office space and the challenge of finding time and space added to the intensity of each situation. However it never was, and still is not about stealing him away from his wife, or his normal life. In fact, quite the opposite, as I’ve always taken an active interest in their life together.

There are a few common reasons why people cheat. They can be looking for outside appreciation and validation, revenge or simply self-destruction. One other reason that rarely gets a mention though is that sometimes people just like having a secret. Something that allows them some personal indulgence. A little cherry on top added to an otherwise full, happy and fulfilled life. Also, there’s the highly controversial idea that cheating can actually be beneficial to a relationship, which, if you consider it outside of all the other reasons, might actually be valid in a few cases, such as this one.

[Read an interesting article about this topic at AskMen.Com - I agree with the author, to some degree, but it does neglect to mention that a little outside fling - while not the best way to do it - can occasionally not come from a bad place, and can bring some spice, or an ego boost back to the main relationship.]

So when Harvey and I hung out recently, and crossed whatever invisible line ever so slightly, even as a woman with a strong sense of right and wrong, I felt little guilt. If it doesn’t happen again, and we simply remain close friends, so be it. I know that we only ever hang out when he doesn’t have to take time and energy away from his wife. At the end of the day, I wish only for his happiness and am happy to know him, saucy times or not.

Addendum: Please note that I am 100% aware of my role in this scenario. Not that it makes it any better, but it did help when I admitted to myself that sometimes I can’t always be the best, perfect person that I expect myself to be. Striving to be the best that you can be is a great goal, and I work on that daily, but I will allow myself the occasional vice, as we all should really.

What Can Make Open Relationships Great? Pt. 2 – Sexy Friend Time

samantha — Tue, 14 Oct 2008 01:56:41 +0000

This one’s pretty easy. An open relationship can, depending upon each couple’s specific arrangements, allow you to get to know your friends in ways you’ve never thought possible. Or perhaps you’ve just not vocalized yet.

Go on, admit it. You know, or have known in the past, a friend that you’ve felt something more for. When they’ve gotten into a relationship, even if you’re already in one, you’ve felt a twitch of jealousy, or longing. Maybe even slight regret for not making a move when you didn’t want to ruin the friendship. Annoyance that being with them might mean cheating if either of you are “taken” already.

In the traditional, monogamous world, hooking up with a friend can cause people to think that you’re looking for a relationship with them. When you think about though, the two of you already have one, and you might not even be into them romantically. THAT can get tricky, I know from experience. You hang out together, enjoy each others company, consider them a valuable part of your life, AND are attracted to them. Wait though! Just because all of the above exists, are they actually the person you want a “relationship” with? What if the answer is no?

You get drunk, you kiss, maybe more, and suddenly you’re more than likely in this awkward space. Perhaps you slipped up, and cheated on your partner by being with your friend. Or you’re single, and both had fun, still want to be friends, but don’t want to “date”. Y’know, not to bring us all down off our high horses, but there’s a chance that THEY don’t want to date us either! And that, my curious readers, is where an open relationship can be an interesting solution.

There are some people who live in polyamorous / open relationships who choose to keep their outside partners separate from their “normal life”. Situations where your committed partner will never meet your other friends, and that’s just fine for both of you. I personally live with different options. There are some of my “friends” that my husband has met, some briefly, some he’s also friends with (non-sexual, that is). There are others who he knows all about, but planets have just not aligned to allow a meeting to happen.

Through all of these situations, he remains very supportive. He knows that I have friends whom I’ve slept with in the past couple of years, who are now just friends. And he has similar relationships himself. For me, it’s always been refreshing to know that I could just tell a friend I’m attracted to them and would welcome a hook up if they were so inclined. As they are armed with the knowledge that they understand my situation and know that I’m being honest when I say “You’re hawt, we should make out.”

For those of us who are interested in exploring any bisexual tendencies we may have, making out / sleeping with friends can be a really safe and positive environment to try it. I am happy to feel comfortable enough with some girlfriends to explore a sexual relationship, and to still remain close and enjoy a “normal” relationship outside of sneaky make outs in the bar bathroom, or other even more fun situations. It is possible to sleep with someone one day, watch a movie or chat on MSN the next, just as you would any other friend. It just takes a bit of practice. (Which … ain’t such a bad thing.)

Sometimes, I’m lucky enough to meet good peeps through sexual situations first. This summer I had [what I thought was] a random one-night stand with a boy I met in a bar. Yes, a bar. Something I hadn’t done since college, before being with Steph. After some Facebook sleuthing [he might say stalking], I was able to convince him of my awesomeness, and we’ve since become good friends. Sure, we’re never going to sleep together again, but I’m thankful for he, and all of the other close friends I’ve made since being open. I’ve also remained friends with some people I met on dating sites with the original intention of only being intimate with them.

This isn’t all to say that being in an open relationship, or being a single polyamorous person, means that your friends are a free for all feast of sexual possibilities. There are still personal boundaries to respect and consider. Also, there are times when sleeping with friends can leave you wondering after the fact. Was it just a one time thing? Was that the booze talking? Do they want something that I don’t? Do I? There’s nothing that says that non-monogamy won’t still give you awkward situations, but you might be a little better equipped to deal with them.

I still have my own questions about some friends I’ve messed around with, that I’m not quite so sure I should touch again.

Pun intended.

Read my interview in the National Post!

samantha — Sat, 20 Sep 2008 05:07:24 +0000

While I haven’t had much time to write lately, I did have some time to be interviewed.

Read my interview, and accompanying story in this Saturday’s Weekend Post, by Zosia Bielski.

Click here for the article.

A few items as follow up:

Steph’s not a Fraser, as much as I tried to convince him that my last name is completely awesome. He’s a Goulet, and likes to remind me by imitating Will Ferrell imitating Robert Goulet whenever he finds the time.
We aren’t just considering the possibility of outside partners. It’s something that can happen at any time. Sometimes there’s other people, other times, not. Ebbs and flows, my friend.
Weekends being reserved exclusively for us, and no sleepovers, are guidelines that we *usually* follow, but lately with the couple that we have been seeing, we often adjust those slightly as they live just up the road, and well … it just works with them!

Thanks to Zosia for pushing her editors to get over their cold feet and finally put the article out there.

For anyone who has come here after reading the article, welcome! For everyone who’s here often, thank you.

Join the Not Your Mother’s Playground Fan Site here.

Stay tuned for Part 2 of “What Makes An Open Relationship Great”, “Realizations”, and more thoughts from my open marriage frontlines. Coming soon. I promise. Really.

The Big Three

samantha — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 19:50:14 +0000

Whenever someone finds out I am in an open marriage, they invariably ask me three questions.

What about jealousy?
Why bother getting married?
Isn’t that cheating?

It’s almost become a rehearsed speech that I give when I answer these questions, so I will share this speech with you. There will be more elaboration on all of these questions in the book, especially jealousy. This is just a summary.

What about jealousy?

Jealousy is a “blanket statement” emotion. What does it truly mean to be jealous? It can be an easy, and dangerous word to throw around and rarely do we break it down to get at the real issues. When we understand it, we are powerful, but when we don’t, it can make us weak. It can be the mask for many personal insecurities, miscommunication, envy and a heap of other emotions, some good, mostly bad.

Am I jealous when my husband goes out with other people? Certainly I might be envious if I have no prior plans and feel like going out myself, but really, that’s up to me to organize. Am I jealous of him touching and sharing with another person? To be honest, absolutely to a point. Do I sometimes wish that he wouldn’t, but that I still could? Definitely. Is that fair of me? Not at all.

So I deal with it. It’s not the easiest cup of tea to swallow, but at the end of the day, I want him to be happy, and he wants me to be happy. Once you learn to dissect your jealousy, break it down and deal with it’s smaller parts, it’s a much gentler beast to deal with.

Why bother getting married?

This question is just silly to me. When we did get married, we weren’t yet open, but now that we are, we’re no less “married” than we were before. We might visit Home Depot a little less than before, but we’ll still paint the deck when we need to.

To us, being married means being a team, being committed to love and respect each other as long as we are able. We wrote our own vows because the idea of reciting someone else’s wedding plans didn’t fly with us. And to this day, I’d say we’re a great example of a happily married couple. We have our issues, but they don’t stem from our openness. Any couple could have the same little squabbles. By being in an open marriage, our relationship has strengthened and our communication level is higher than many couples we’ve met along the way.

Isn’t that cheating?

This one’s easy. If the other person’s ok with it, it’s not cheating. If the other person wouldn’t be ok with it, it is cheating. So if we’re ok with it? You get the picture.

Cheating as we know it isn’t as black and white as you might think. At a later date, I will touch upon the many gray areas of extra-marital / relationship affairs. You might be surprised by what I’ve learned. I know I have been.

And there are the answers to your big three questions. Have another question that you think is bigger than one of those? Post it above on the “Your Thoughts” page and I’ll try to get to it as soon as I can.