My wedding ring and I have a strange relationship. When I’m at home, I often pay it no attention, abandoning it on a random shelf as soon as I walk in the door. It never sleeps with me or sees me naked. I won’t let it eat at the dinner table and it certainly never gets . . . → Read More: One ring to rule me]]>

My wedding ring and I have a strange relationship. When I’m at home, I often pay it no attention, abandoning it on a random shelf as soon as I walk in the door. It never sleeps with me or sees me naked. I won’t let it eat at the dinner table and it certainly never gets to hang out during sex.

However when it’s time to leave the house and go out in public, I am absolutely lost without it. On those days where I cannot remember which one of five random shelves has been graced with my white-gold, sad excuse for bling band, I find myself sometimes hiding my ring finger when surrounded by strangers, lest someone see me as not married or worse … with a wedding ring tan line (a sure sign of cheating, some would say).

My relationship with Ringy started out pretty rocky in the early days. I really resisted having to hook up with a wedding ring for a few reasons. First, I really didn’t think that having one was necessary to be married. It’s like I was ok with actually getting married, but still an activist against all of the traditions that came along with it. Second, we were poor. Spending money on a piece of jewelery that I assumed I would inevitably lose seemed like a complete waste of good resources. So Steph and I did our very best to get the almost cheapest rings we could find.

We spent $150 on a simple white-gold band for me. A figure that we decided was ok to have to spend again should we have to replace it. (so far, we haven’t.) And somehow, seemingly against my will, Ringy and I are stuck together.

When I’m out dancing or looking at cute boys – and girls – I can’t not wear the damn thing. If I’m in one of those moods where all I want to do is make out with a stranger or maybe more, there’s something that makes me feel uncomfortable not wearing that identifier. When I sometimes take it off and put it on my necklace I feel amazingly cheeky, like a nine year old boy who’s just found his first Playboy magazine. Those casual hook ups I sometimes want would likely be much easier if I didn’t have the strong desire to point out “Hey! I’m married! I’m ALSO non-monogamous! Hope you’re super cooooool with that!” from the get-go. In fact, maybe there actually would BE some casual hook ups because I would likely be more relaxed about the whole situation.

(As a side note; lately there have been a severe lack of casual or serious hook-ups. 2011 has been a very boring, yet interesting, yet tragic year in my non-monogamous life, but that’s for another blog post … or auto-biography.)

Good ol’ Ringy here holds a sick power over me. I would love to chalk it up to sweet sentimentality and something along the lines of; I just have to make sure I’m always wearing my ring because it shows how committed I am to my husband and how I love him more than life itself and we will always be together and it is a symbol of our love and affect …

barf.

Not that I don’t adore Steph. Not that I’m not completely committed to him, but if I dig deeper into my relationship with Ringy, I highly suspect that we will find insecurities ruling this twisted relationship. For some strange reason, our formative years can often have more of a hold over us than recent times – perhaps because we haven’t lived as long then, so teenage angst takes up a much larger percentage of our overall life then vs. now – Anyway. In MY formative years I was never the girl in a relationship. Boys didn’t want to kiss me, or maybe they did and I didn’t notice. Without getting into the whole “poor me” routine, I was a bit of a tragic, single, third wheel, fat kid for a long time and that persona has stuck with me, albeit under the surface, for years.

I never grew up caring about getting married one day but now that I am? I have to make sure that when I’m out in public my persona is that of married woman. Like I’ve succeeded at relationships. “Ta da, look at me! You all thought I was a looooser, but Ringy and I are joined at the hip now, bitches!”

I suspect part of it is that I find it more amusing to tell people I’m in an open relationship AFTER they find out I’m married because they sometimes squirm more and boy, I love a good squirm. Maybe it is simply insecurities that make me cling to that ring, and even buy fakees to store in the car in case I do forget ol’ Ringy in the bathroom. I don’t know, and I suppose it doesn’t really matter.

Maybe I just like those times when I’ll catch a guy on the subway looking down my cleavage and I’ll slide my hand slowly in front of my tits, just enough to show off that evil, lovely band and bring a little Catholic guilt to a strangers face.

I will always remember my mum telling me those words in our kitchen when I was about 15. I don’t think we were talking about anything serious at the time but for some reason I held onto that knowledge – that my mum would . . . → Read More: I’m Here. I’m … ?]]> “I don’t care which way you swing, Samantha, as long as you’re honest.”

I will always remember my mum telling me those words in our kitchen when I was about 15. I don’t think we were talking about anything serious at the time but for some reason I held onto that knowledge – that my mum would love me no matter what – because I must have known that my sexual identity would play a major role in my life in the years that followed.

I have talked before about how I don’t like labels and believe they belong solely on soup cans, and I suppose other grocery store items if you insist, but this post speaks to my recent discoveries and realizations about labels and identifying not only myself, but others.

For the past however long I have told myself I am bisexual, if I had to fit into a category. But really I’ve never been completely comfortable with that identity. I’d rather say that I’m a 2.78 Kinsey, meaning that I can have relationships with women, as well as men, but they likely need to be open because there’s .12 of me that just loves cock too much to be monogamous. That – and I’m built for non-monogamy anyway.

Bisexuals get a lot of flack though which is why I haven’t been comfortable with it always, especially as a non-monogamer (yes, I just said that). Not only can she not decide between girls and boys, but she gets to be with ALL of them, how DARE she!

Frankly, attitudes like that have to stop. We need to stop hating on others because of how they choose to identify – or not identify – themselves. Bisexuals get flack as well for reinforcing the binary that there are only two genders, but that’s not fair either. One could say the same of the straight and gay communities, that by choosing “one or the other” that they aren’t including all of the other delightful genders that make up the spectrum of human sexuality. And not everyone that is bisexual is only about being with cisgendered people. While the opportunity has not come up for me, I’m pretty sure that I wouldn’t have an issue being with someone whose bits and pieces didn’t match their perceived gender identity. It might be tough as first, but not for any reasons of prejudice, simply because it would be something new that I have not yet experienced.

As long as people are sexy, cool, giving and awesome … I could care less what’s going on between their legs. Including an obvious sexual attraction, it’s what’s between their ears that matters to me.

I understand how “bisexual” doesn’t really seem to be the right choice of words to express this viewpoint and this past weekend, while speaking / attending the first edition of Momentum in Washington, DC, my views on the word “queer” started to change.

To start with, my travel companion identified herself more as queer than bisexual which threw me for a loop. Perhaps it’s a matter of ignorance or lack of exposure – though often they are one and the same – but when I’ve heard the word QUEER in the past, I have always associated it with LGT but never B. I felt like being bisexual was already being viewed as taking too many liberties and attempting to claim a queer identity wasn’t my place. Nor do I think I ever wanted it to be. The word queer often brings up thoughts of activism, fighting for equality, theory and politics. It has never clicked in my brain as an umbrella I can stand underneath.

And then I spent the weekend surrounded by a community of people that exuded their sexuality at every turn. I spent more than a few minutes in public with a beautiful girl and felt no qualms about showing my affection for her in public, surrounded by a fantastic array of  awesome and supportive people.

It was unnatural how natural it all felt.

Eventually it hit me that while at home I feel quite straight and married, out with her I can feel totally bi and with others there are various degrees of – let’s say – Kinseyness that I experience depending on the relationship. Outside of being a fan of people, genitals and connecting, my identity fluctuates with every relationship I take part in but they all fall under one, beautiful queer umbrella.

I can be femme and be queer. I can be an activist for the mainstream that wants to feel comfortable entering communities that can seem terrifying and be queer. I can eat vagina and I can eat dick and I can be queer. I can have sex with myself or with five people at once and be queer. I can wear a wedding ring or rope and … you get the idea.

On the way home from Washington on Monday I confessed that I was worried telling my husband that I’m queer. I thought he’d feel like I left him for the weekend, had all sorts of sexcapades, and was leaving him for a hot butch. Was this a coming out fear that I was having and if so, what caused it? I think the answers are yes and again, ignorance. He didn’t seem to be phased by my new identity as the parts that made it up are still the same as they have been: People, check. Genitals, check. Bingo bango.

When I was talking to a student of mine yesterday, telling him that I was queer, he replied with “Of course you are, duh.” like I was a dummy for not being aware. I couldn’t deny that his answer surprised me, but upon further reflection … I’ve just never really thought about it and he was right to react that way.

Now do I feel the need to walk up to people and say “Hey, I’m Samantha and I’m queer.”? (outside of writing this blog post) Of course not. I won’t deny the privilege that I get to live, living a hetero “normal” life on the surface, and I certainly wouldn’t want to take away from anyone else’s long term battles for equality and fair treatment but on the flipside I have had my own internal struggles making the “in public” transition from straight and married to “Hey I like fucking chicks and dicks, maybe chicks with dicks? I can’t say one way or the other.”

Everyone deserves to love and be loved however they want and with whomever they want and I hope that there’s some room for me under this umbrella because I’m here. I think I’m queer. Now I just have to get used to it.

Thanks for reading,
Samantha xo

Further Reading: Bisexuality does not reinforce the gender binary.

Join us in Toronto this November 5 and 6 for Playground, taking a multi-faceted look at sexuality and relationships. Early bird tickets are on sale now and speaker submissions are still being accepted!

Who is she?

. . . → Read More: Who is SexyKitty69?]]> Exploring the pros & cons of anonymity

I am very proud of the panel I’ve put together for Aprils’ Momentum conference. Faced with the challenge of running a very personal blog that features both helpful pieces and my own dating stories, anonymity is something that I deal with on a regular basis.

Who is she?

A few years ago I had a LiveJournal account and would use it to blog about my dates in (very) graphic detail. I was beginning to learn that the keyboard craved my touch more than the paper and loved being able to share sexy details with my audience. But what I was lacking was connection. I felt no more connected to my readers than they likely did with me. If I was going to share a story with them, not showing my face took away a lot of the enjoyment for me. Finally a friend convinced me to start this blog in March of 2008 and I went from anonymous sex blogger to the girl that you know today.

I wouldn’t say that coming out hasn’t come with its challenges though. Not everyone wants their story told and it is something that comes up from time to time with all my lovers, old and new. Everyone has their own levels of privacy so there have been instances when it’s been tough to really get a point across without providing the appropriate amount of context to make the blog worth reading. Even now there are people in my life that you will likely never, or very rarely, read about. I’m ok with this as it makes them feel secure and is a decision that I make entering into relationships with these people.

On the flipside, there are sometimes people like Crush that fully expect me to write about them. He says this is who he knew he was getting involved with (his first email being about my blog, after all.) so whatever I wrote about him, good or bad, he’s prepared for, with some limitations that we’ve both already agreed upon. This attitude I am extremely grateful for simply because it’s nice to have a little freedom here and there.

When we head to Washington for Momentum in April it will be an interesting discussion revolving around anonymity from four different perspectives. My amazing panel is made up of lovely woman including:

• Shanna Katz is a queer kinky disabled feisty femme sexuality educator and professional pervert currently based in Phoenix, AZ.
• Katherine Curtis is a writer, segment producer and anchor for the popular internet and television program, Naked News, and the creator of popular geek culture segment The Naked Nerd.
• Stef, creator of City Girl Blogs who has recently revealed her identity in a beautiful post that you can read here.

Session Description

In today’s world of over-sharing, it’s not hard to find out the dinner plans of your neighbors, or the musical tastes of your closest enemies by checking one of their many social networking profiles. We talk online about everything from our biggest dreams to the littlest details. What happens when we go one step further and share our most intimate details with the world?

This panel will examine the pros & cons of blogging about our dating, sex and love lives from both anonymous and non-anonymous viewpoints. We will talk to sex & dating bloggers on both sides of the coin and discuss the benefits and pitfalls involved in sharing your identity while discussing dirty deeds. How does coming out affect your relationships, your work and the way people interact with you? How does protecting your identity keep your stories relevant and entertaining to the reader?

I hope that you’ll join us in Washington for a great event!

Recently, while analyzing my place in the sex+relationships blogosphere, I came to a realization: I am not a sex blogger. I might discuss a lot of things related to sex, but sexuality is more my bag, baby. My old, private blog used to be very detailed; I would talk about bits and parts and . . . → Read More: I Am Not A Sex Blogger]]>

Recently, while analyzing my place in the sex+relationships blogosphere, I came to a realization: I am not a sex blogger. I might discuss a lot of things related to sex, but sexuality is more my bag, baby. My old, private blog used to be very detailed; I would talk about bits and parts and all the things I was doing to them or having done to mine. Nowadays though, I shy away from that and today I wanted to think about why.

A lot of people read this blog. A lot of those people are friends or family and I don’t really want them to have to read about my latest anal exploits or lube experiments. There are people I’ve worked with that read this, and people that one day, maybe I’d like to work for. On the other hand, I do like to touch (no pun intended) on that stuff, from a general perspective. I’m not avoiding details for fear of reprocussions, I’m just actually not that interested in sharing them. Believe it or not, there are some things that I do not feel compelled to regularly share with my readers, unless it’s for a review of a toy/product/web site. I enjoy reading about details on other blogs, but would rather talk to you about my sexuality, poly experiences and relationship fails or wins.

I also don’t talk details more because it embarrasses me. I’m not sure why, as sex is something I’ve been told I am very talented at but being good at something is not enough of a reason to share everything. Believe it or not, there are some things I generally like to keep private. I’m not as tell all as you might actually believe. Even though it’s to be expected, it’s strange when people tell me on Twitter, or on okCupid that they know a lot about me when I know barely anything about them.  Today though, and perhaps it was inspired by a chat I had last night, I want to talk details just this once. This might be TMI for some of you and terribly tame for the rest of you. But here’s my sexual truth:

• I love missionary sex. It’s true! I love having a man on top of me, with his face so close to mine as I dig into his shoulders, holding on for dear life.
• I love it from behind. Putting my head down on the bed (or whatever), ass up, pushing back against him. That’s my fave. When we haven’t fucked for a while at home I will often skip foreplay and go straight to “assuming the position.”
• I want to love being on top, but I hate my belly jiggling around.
• I love reverse cowgirl because then I can hide my belly. Win!
• The right kiss or combo of words can have me dripping wet in under 15 seconds. Regular old sex doesn’t usually make this happen.
• My g-spot is really close to my u-spot. I have been learning about female ejaculation for the past couple of years but have in no way mastered it.
• With another person or people it can take me forever to cum. When I do though, it’s epic. Sometimes it doesn’t take that long, it really depends. Multiples are achievable more on my own.
• I LOVE going down on men and women, front and rear. I seriously love genitals.
• Feeling that I’ve turned someone on, whether it’s a hard guy or a wet girl is the biggest turn on for me.
• It’s hard for me to keep my hands away from their crotch when making out with someone. (see above).
• I like gagging.
• I like being tied up, within reason. Mental torture is more enjoyable to me than physical though.
• I enjoy role play. A lot. Especially when it’s me surrendering to a dominant guy or gal or me being in charge of a submissive female.
• I love rubbing people under restaurant tables.
• And in restaurant bathrooms …
• Although, I don’t really get off on the whole “we could get caught” thing. I don’t want to get caught. I want to get it on. Can’t we find an in public, no chance of being caught place?
• I hate pain but I love being smacked.
• I hate hate hate nipple tweaking. Why? I hate pain!
• I love my toes being touched when someone’s going down on me.
• A strong male hand is so sexy.
• Long hair on a woman in my face, drives me wild.
• I would happily not have an orgasm for days if somebody, that I trusted and wanted, told me not to.

Now you know too much and I’m likely embarrassed for just hitting publish, but there’s something to be said for being embarrassed. It keeps me humble and human and that’s good enough for me.

Bringing together people across the world to rally behind a cause is certainly . . . → Read More: More Than The Color Purple]]> On October 20, GLAAD and the Spirit Day Facebook group are asking you to wear purple. Spirit Day was created to honor LGBT youth who feel that life is not worth living due to the hate, bullying, and cruelty they face daily.

Bringing together people across the world to rally behind a cause is certainly not a bad thing. I am wearing purple today, from my undies to my shirt because I am more than happy to take part in an international movement to stop hate.

What is Spirit Day? (From the GLAAD website)

The idea behind Spirit Day, first created by teenager Brittany McMillan earlier this month, is a simple one, not dissimilar to the idea of “Spirit Week” held in many high schools, and can be summed up in three words: Everyone Rally Together.

Spirit Day honors the teenagers who had taken their own lives in recent weeks. But just as importantly, it’s also a way to show the hundreds of thousands of LGBT youth who face the same pressures and bullying, that there is a vast community of people who support them.

Purple symbolizes ‘spirit’ on the rainbow flag, a symbol for LGBT Pride that was created by Gilbert Baker in 1978.

As one of the event’s Facebook pages says: “This event is not a seminar nor is it a rally. There is NO meeting place. All you have to do is wear purple.”

I'm wearing purple close to my heart today.

Seems simple enough, right? Wear purple and show your support. But what about at the end of the day when it’s time to take off your clothes and slip into bed? The issues don’t go away when you put on a different outfit tomorrow. If you forget about why you put the outfit on in the first place then your so-called support becomes nothing more than a mid-week fashion choice. Spirit Day is a wonderful incentive to get people talking and on board for a much larger movement that has to happen to stop homophobic bullying in our society. What can you do to ensure that today’s efforts continue? Here are a few suggestions:

• Talk to your kids, your family, your friends about homophobia. If you encounter someone with negative feelings toward the LGBT community, help educate them.
• Bullies often bully out of ignorance and fear. Arm your children with knowledge about human rights, what makes people unique and what also makes us all the same. Stomp that fear out and replace it with kindness and empathy.
• Educate yourself. There’s a whole heap of literature available in print and online that you can read to learn more about the gay, lesbian, bisexual, trans and queer communities. Learn about the struggles that people go through that push them to feeling suicidal. Don’t dismiss warning signs because you would rather deny your childs’/friends’/family members’ sexuality. (Some key facts are listed at the bottom of this article.)
• Check yourself. Are you using gay slang in a derogatory way? Cut that language out of your vocabulary. There’s plenty of other words out there to tell your friend he’s a dumb-ass for getting drunk and falling in a pond. “Gay” doesn’t have to be one of them.
• If straight is how you identify, then be a straight ally.
• Stop bullying as it happens. No one’s asking you to put your life at risk, but if you see something happening or hear something being said, stand up. Be that person that takes action instead of standing on the sidelines.
• Talk to your local government about fair representation for lesbians, gays and trans people. Find the candidates that are demanding equality for all and support them.
• Research and support your local LGBT community. Even if you live in a small town, you have one.
• Support The Trevor Project, or find your own local network depending on where you live.
• Support organizations like GLAAD.
• Watch the It Gets Better videos. Make your own. Share them with the world through blogs, social media, etc.
• Rally. March. Donate. Speak up and do it loudly.
• Be a safe place to land for anyone that comes out to you about their sexuality. Support your gay children, your trans brother, your bisexual aunt and so on. You could end up changing someone’s homophobic ways or helping someone who’s suffering find hope and a new desire to keep living.

I remember what it was like as a teenager and it was tough. I was/am a fat kid who was ridiculed. It got better for me, but my problems were on the surface. I could deal with them, if I really wanted to. Being gay, lesbian or trans is not something that goes away with a little exercise and healthy eating, however, so please don’t let your support go away when you take off that purple shirt tomorrow.

Fuck hate and live hope. Together we can do this.

With the support of family and friends, a 12-year-old experiences the onset of puberty in the fluid space between genders.

It Gets Better from Jaime Woo on Vimeo.

My friend, @jaimewoo’s contribution to the It Gets Better project.

Additional Facts about Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Youth

• Nine out of 10 LGBT students (86.2%) experienced harassment at school; three-fifths (60.8%) felt unsafe at school because of their sexual orientation; and about one-third (32.7%) skipped a day of school in the past month because of feeling unsafe (GLSEN National School Climate Survey 2009).
• LGBT students are three times as likely as non-LGBT students to say that they do not feel safe at school (22% vs. 7%) and 90% of LGBT students (vs. 62% of non-LGBT teens) have been harassed or assaulted during the past year. (GLSEN From Teasing to Torment 2006)
• Sexual minority youth, or teens that identify themselves as gay, lesbian or bisexual, are bullied two to three times more than heterosexuals. (Nationwide Children’s Hospital, Columbus, OH 2010)
• Almost all transgender students had been verbally harassed (e.g., called names or threatened in the past year at school because of their sexual orientation (89%) and gender expression (89%) (GLSEN: Harsh Realities, The Experiences of Transgender Youth In Our Nation’s Schools 2009).
• LGBT youth in rural communities and those with lower adult educational attainment face particularly hostile school climates (JG, Greytak EA, Diaz EM – Journal of Youth & Adolescence 2009)
• Lesbian, gay, and bisexual adolescents are 190 percent more likely to use drugs and alcohol than are heterosexual teens (Marshal MP, Friedman MS, et al – Addiction 2008).
• It is estimated that between 20 and 40 percent of all homeless youth identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual, and/or transgender (2006 National Gay & Lesbian Task Force: An Epidemic of Homelessness). 62% of homeless LGB youth will attempt suicide at least once—more than two times as many as their heterosexual peers (Van Leeuwen JMm et al – Child Welfare 2005)

It’s hard for me to say if I was single if . . . → Read More: Bisexuality: My Story]]> It’s easy to join a dating site and list yourself as bisexual. There’s no rule that says what that has to mean – and there shouldn’t be. You might be open to kissing girls. You might be open to dating them just as you would guys.

It’s hard for me to say if I was single if I would ever end up in a relationship with a woman. I think if I did it would have to be open because, to be honest, I love dick too much! Not that I’ve done any scientific testing on the matter at all, but I like to say I’m a 2.78 on the Kinsey Scale. I’m almost in the middle, but leaning slightly more toward the dudes. That doesn’t mean I don’t love the ladies though.

What I'd give for some alone time with Christina .....

I’ll backtrack to give you my girly history. My first girl love moment happened when I was 17. I ended up playing drunk strip poker, which turned into drunk truth or dare – (I know. HOW CLICHE AM I, RIGHT??) with two girls I worked with at Tim Hortons’ and the boyfriend of one of the girls. Next time I was drunk with a boy I was in love with, and a girlfriend who fucked him behind my back. (Grr.)  Again .. truth or dare. He ignored me and passed out, so she grabbed me by the vagina to console me. There really is no better way to describe that moment.

Until some crazy parties at our house in 2005, there wasn’t much more happening until spin the bottle took over.

And yes, if you’re asking yourself if it’s possible for one girl to use so many cliché “games” to get with chicks, I’ll tell you right now, yes. Yes it is.

I remember the first couple that we were with. We went out dancing and she and I were grinding against each other when she whispered in my ear how much she wanted to go down on me. We went back to our place and got right to it in the basement before asking the boys to join us. (Coincidentally our first group sex moment.) She and I had some separate girl dates after that, and I remember them fondly.

A few months later in 2007, I was on a date with a lovely (still) friend of mine. She walked me to Ossington Station and we kissed goodbye outside. I was so aware of the fact that I was kissing a girl, in public. It was a lovely moment, and the train ride home was filled with plenty of head in the cloud type thoughts, but it was still not something I was immediately comfortable with as I hadn’t yet embraced public, bisexual Samantha. Just behind closed doors, bisexual Samantha.

Realizing that they could be the same person was hard to reconcile. Learning about the community in Toronto has certainly been helpful but it’s still not tough to feel some judgment when identifying as bisexual. I get the “best of both worlds”. Throw in the fact that I’m polyamorous and the resentment claws can come out. People think that I just have access to waaaaay too much cake.

I’m not going to apologize though for enjoying people. I love the firm touch of a man and the soft touch of a woman. I love genitals, male or female – I really do! I love a short hair cut on a man, and too much hair getting in the way on a girl. I’m growing more and more attracted to gender-benders and in addition to having a thing for femme girls with curves and tattoos (I know, it seems slightly narcissistic to me too), I have a thing for skinny butch girls with short hair, especially in suits.

And I have a thing for men wearing suits too. Or construction boots.

One thing I have realized, and maybe this has to do with my imaginary 2.78 Kinsey score, while personality is often more important to me than looks when it comes to men; with girls, the physical attraction needs to be stronger or else I’m not really that interested. I can’t force it.

The one thing I still haven’t really figured out is dating women. A few years ago I was out on a few dates with a now very good friend of mine. I had no idea how to read her – as she made it quite difficult. Did I kiss her? Did she want me to? Did I act chivalrous? Was it necessary? It seriously took me many months to really make a move and it certainly paid off, but seriously what the hell was the matter with me?

I suppose the same thing that’s the matter with me now. I don’t know how to date girls without instantly categorizing them in either a dominant or submissive role. Being with Kitty, who sadly lives too far away, was very easy as sexually with me she was very much like I am with a more dominant guy. This is dating math I could figure out! But what about when I’m dating someone? I know I really need to just be myself, but getting used to going with the flow and not knowing who’s going to make the first move makes me nervous with women. Having the dominant or submissive identifier is really handy. For the most part, I can understand dating men, at least when it comes to making a move, but maybe I haven’t been self-accepting of my own bisexuality long enough to have the confidence to just do it. Perhaps knowing that I’m going out with someone who has the same understanding of where the evening might go would be helpful, but I do love that element of surprise and I often rob myself of it by saying things like “I’d like to kiss you if that’s ok. Question mark. Question mark. Insert bashful, blabbering, embarrassing statement here”. I definitely wouldn’t hit on a girl without knowing 100% that she was into the idea of being with women.

I’m basically scared to try anything with girls. The past two female relationships I started did not turn out as I wanted. One girl in particular I longed to have as a girlfriend, and I’m pretty sure she felt the same. I was looking forward to hanging out with her, outside of the bedroom, perhaps holding hands and being “out” in public. She was fun, dirty, sweet and super cute. Sadly her boyfriend wasn’t happy with the fact that I wasn’t dating him too and she and I ended up losing touch which really bummed me out. I finally thought I had it figured out and then bam, gone.

So if you’ve read my last post, you know that I’m currently going through a “I’ve lost my mojo” phase. I need to be proactive and start figuring out if I want a girl or girls in my life and to what level. I miss girl kissing, girl dating and definitely girl sex. I miss certain man sex too, but the girls is something that maybe I have some control over if I just apply myself.

Being bisexual has never changed who I am. It’s only affected who I’m with and I’m finally not afraid to really admit it to you in detail. I’m not going to get into comparisons about if it’s harder to come out as gay or bi. The only story I have is my own and what I’ve realized along the way is that this is who I am, what I like to do and I don’t really give a fuck if people won’t like me as a result.

I love the men in my life to pieces and I also want to love the girls. That’s really all that’s left to say.

<3

P.S. This post doesn’t include all the girls that I’ve dated. The point of it wasn’t to be a list, but to use some stories to illustrate points.