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By samantha, on April 14th, 2012%
The word boundaries has come up so much in my recent conversations that I’ve started to almost say it daily. On top of noticing that it’s been making such a regular appearance with both friends AND lovers, I’ve realized that it’s not something that we – and by we, I mean mainstream society – encourage much discussion about.
You may be different but when I look at the majority of my friends, a discussion about personal boundaries never comes up. We fall into routines with the people around us and base our future decisions on past behaviour. It might not be that the friends you usually only grab monthly weekend drinks with aren’t into spontaneous fun on a weekday; maybe you’ve just never asked them. Shit, maybe they’re wondering the same thing about you!
I’ve been thinking about this a lot recently and asking myself how many of my relationships are defined by true boundaries compared to expectations and assumptions? Maybe I’m not giving my friends or lovers a chance by putting them into a certain category in my mind. Maybe they’re not giving me the same chance. Maybe I’m restricting myself without even realizing it.
 What are the fences I'm putting up, and are they as obvious as this? Read more »
By samantha, on April 11th, 2012%
Please note: This post may be triggering for some as it deals with sexual assault.
I’ve had a post floating around in my head lately that revolves around a situation I had put out of my mind; a time when a partner pushed past my limits and took advantage of my submission and because I lack any . . . → Read More: Confession: I did not consent
By samantha, on February 20th, 2012%
It doesn’t happen often but every now and then a random stranger will pour their heart out to me via email. It’s usually either a response to a post I’ve written or an advice request. The email I received from Sarah (name has been changed) yesterday really made me think and want to virtually hug her.
I’m not going to share the email because a) it’s very personal and b) it’s too long, but I am going to give you the gist of it below, plus my response to her. I think that Sarah is an incredibly strong young woman and I hope everything works out for she and her husband.
Here are the main points of her letter to me:
- Sarah’s a small town girl living a city life now.
- She grew up with traditional family values, a strong belief in monogamy. She doesn’t feel that she has anyone to talk to.
- It’s been almost a decade that she and her husband have been together.
- In the beginning he expressed interest in an open relationship. Sarah wasn’t into it so the idea was shelved. He went along with this.
- A few months ago they hit a rough patch. He admitted that he didn’t think he could be happy as a monogamist but was torn because he loved her so much. They decided to think about it
- She found out very recently that he had been sleeping with someone else. Instead of getting mad about it, she (and he) were surprised her being quite supportive of his external desires.
- Sarah says she hated herself for keeping him in a monogamous relationship.
- Discussions have revolved around the two of them having threesomes with another woman. Perhaps something that could become a regular thing.
- It’s been mentioned that the woman that they sleep with could definitely be the woman he was cheating with.
- Her husband has admitted to caring about this woman, but not as much as he cares about his wife. He has also said that he would find someone else if this didn’t work.
- Sarah has been battling with what she feels is right and what’s she is used to thinking is wrong (open relationships). She is dealing with a bit of an internal struggle.
- Sarah and her husband love each other very much and now she just needs some time to figure out how to go about this properly.
My reply:
By samantha, on December 19th, 2011%
When I first started this blog I never wanted to be a poster child for non-monogamy. Sure, I’ve enjoyed what limited “fame” I’ve achieved (if you can call it that), but I don’t aspire to be the go to person when the media needs someone to talk to. That being said, I’m always happy to share . . . → Read More: I Ain’t No Poster Child
By samantha, on August 20th, 2011%
When I first had the idea for Playground around the end of last summer, I had a lot more time on my hands. I had quit my job a few months prior to finish working on my non-monogamy guide book – which I promise to finish sooooon – and had seemingly all the time in the . . . → Read More: Why Playground? Why Now?
By samantha, on August 20th, 2011%
If I “meet” you on an online dating site – probably okCupid since it’s the only one I’m on – there’s a few things you should know about how we will interact with one another. Online dating can be an absolute minefield. My girlfriends and I have long email threads dedicated to the disgusting, crass and ridiculous emails that some people send, but there are many gems underneath that outer layer of human crap, which is why I’m about to tell you this.
On favorites:
Unless you show absolutely no interests outside of Creed, Two and a Half Men, Star Wars, pizza and beer, I will not judge you for your taste in music, movies, food and TV. I have some strange tastes in all of these things and know that your life’s path may have led you to an interest in death metal, country, indie or even Gaga. Our time together doesn’t have to involve seeing the same bands in concert or bonding over True Blood or Dexter, though I certainly agree it would be fun if it did. I don’t expect us to like all of the same foods. You will probably like something that I find disgusting and horrific and you might not be able to see past my love of Branston pickle but as long as you don’t try to kiss me with onion or olive breath though, I think we will make it through.
I will not judge you for your (lack of) knowledge of wine. Nor for your favorite travel destinations or choices of art on your walls. If life has taken you on a path where you cannot afford to live on your own, I won’t mind. Though it will certainly make it difficult should we choose to take our clothes off.
If you like to partake in recreational drugs that I am not involved in, I will not be scared away. My body has my own thoughts on these things, but as long as you are respectful, not creepy and still nice to me, it is not my place to judge your chosen form of relaxation. I only ask that you understand and respect my personal choices or limits.
I will not judge you for driving a car or being a cyclist. I will however, take issue with you placing all blame for road problems on one or the other. As someone who partakes in both forms of transportation I see the problems on either side of the coin. I won’t not date you because of your chosen profession(s) – or lack of one – and in fact will be curious to learn about your passions.
Read more »
By samantha, on May 4th, 2011%
I really like the concept of ‘community’ in theory. I know there are countless people out there who have felt lost, alone, strange, weird, etc. until they stumbled upon a group of like-minded souls. Kindred spirits who would embrace them into their circle with open arms. “You no longer have to feel alone”, they might say to one another.
For many, the fight against oppression, prejudice, sexism, suffering and homophobia gives the individual an extra sense of “home” plus instant allies in the war against ignorance. These alliances are valuable and certainly something to hold dear.
Communities pop up for many reasons and in the sexuality sphere one exists for pretty much everything. If you can think it, a group has formed around it somewhere. For those with specific interests like kink for example, it makes sense that a movement is created around events, similar fetishes and social interaction. People of like minds come together to share life experiences in a safe, hopefully non judgmental environment. It’s human nature to want this. Read more »
By samantha, on January 26th, 2011%
(Have you read the small world post yet? You should read that one first if you haven’t so that this one makes sense.)
My brain and heart are taking a bit of a beating right now. Some good, some bad and I’m in a funny place trying to piece it all together. It shouldn’t go unsaid that I am probably pms’ing right now so my logic filter – which I pride myself on – isn’t working at full capacity. Emotions are running high in Sam Camp and there’s probably things like winter and gloominess making everything seem that much larger than it really is.
Some biggish things have happened in the past week between Crush and I so I think I might as well just start with …
Tuesday
Read more »
By samantha, on January 24th, 2011%
What a WEIRD week. On Monday night Crush and I were chatting online, like old times of October to December. It was nice to catch up with him as busy schedules – mainly on his end – and the holidays really interrupted our getting to know one another. I had been starting to suffer from a little “Absence makes the heart grow fungus” syndrome.
 See the resemblance? Read more »
By samantha, on December 23rd, 2010%
Each of us has many layers to who we are. There is the person that we show our friends, our family, our lovers and our coworkers. For some, they are one and the same. For others, each persona is a different representative of our reality where we can pick and choose which of our features to highlight at any given moment.
And then there are the people we are when we are alone. I say people because many times we keep secrets even from ourselves. We have breakfast. We watch television. We read books. We work out. We take ourselves for walks in the park. To the bakery for an afternoon treat. Into the bath for a relaxing soak after a hard day at work. And at certain moments we catch a glance in the mirror and see our true self. I’m not saying that who we are the rest of the time isn’t real or true, but underneath it all exists our core, our base, our private self. The part of us that feels emotions more intensely than we allow our own minds to admit most of the time.
 What is your truth? Read more »
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