Before you take this advice you should understand my dating history and take everything with a grain of salt. Remembering though, that . . . → Read More: Thoughts on Fishing in the Sea]]>

It’s a Friday today which means date time for a lot of you this weekend and a Twitter conversation had me thinking about it so here’s some weekend, or whenever, dating advice from yours truly.

Before you take this advice you should understand my dating history and take everything with a grain of salt. Remembering though, that at the end of the day I’m happy so don’t suck on the salt for too long.

• When I was in high school I never dated. I didn’t believe anyone would like me. I wanted to, but I was also living in Parry Sound, not the best place to get a boyfriend.
• When I was in college I slept with people but didn’t really date anyone. I still had a freaking blast.
• After college I was kind of seeing this guy; even called him my boyfriend, but we never actually dated because we’d always end up at his place. He didn’t like to leave the house. In return, I never let him eat my vagina. If he wasn’t going to buy me dinner, he didn’t get dessert.
• At the same time as “dating” no leave house guy, I was involved with a friend of mine doing all the platonic things that couples do, minus the fucking. (Oh wait, that’s ‘cos it turns out he was married at the time and conflicted. Something I found out 7 years later.)
• I met Steph at 20. We dated-ish but totally not in a traditional sense as our first date was 2.5 days long and I said “I love you” in 5 languages to him two weeks later.
• We opened up and I started actually dating people. At 26 years old. Sheesh.

Now that you’ve gotten the history, here’s some of my dating thoughts. I don’t profess to be an expert at dating myself, but after years of societal observations it doesn’t take a genius to see what works and what doesn’t.

First things first. Get rid of “rules”.

This male to female “call her in three days” thing is bullshit. It’s 2010 people. It’s highly likely that you’re on Facebook or Twitter or at least have an email address and more than likely a cell phone you can text from. Sending a text the next morning is not going to be the wrong move, unless she’s living in a rom-com fantasy world in which case you should stay away as it’s likely she’s expecting 2.5 kids from you and a white picket fence by Date 17.

On second thought, don’t Facebook each other after the first date. The interest might not be mutual and then you look like a dumdum and it’s aaaawkward.

Other rules include the no sleeping together on the first date nonsense. We really as a society need to get over ourselves and accept the fact that some of us like fucking. We really like fucking. Yes, I’m not denying that fucking on the first date can make things a bit weird after that. You’ve already been SO intimate with someone and yet you barely know them. The second date becomes an odd mix of “Are we together?” and “You’re a stranger.”

Isn’t dating on its own weird anyway? If you DON’T kiss, make out or sleep with the person on the 1st or 2nd date, you spend the next however many dates wondering when you will. You both know that you’re thinking it. It’s awkward and exciting but also weird! One way isn’t better than the other. One just pleases your genitals more. It’s your choice.

And if the person doesn’t call you after you’ve gotten naked, yes it can be hard but try to look at the bright side of things. You had a little romp and you didn’t have to spend too much money or get dressed up six times to do it. Who’s next?

Next, as nice as it is to be traditional and have the guy chase girl scenario, why not try something different? If you get past the macho exterior – which some guys don’t even have and that’s a-ok – guys can have just as many insecurities about approaching women as girls do about not being approached. Do you think walking up to a cute chick at the bar is easy? What if you’re there with all of your friends and you fail miserably in front of them? That doesn’t sound fun at all and I’m pretty sure if I was a dude I wouldn’t try it. I would, (if I knew who she was online), send that girl a message or maybe @ reply suggesting she check out the latest “insert whatever I found out she likes on Twitter here” and hope to check it out with her.

As humans we’re all insecure for some reason. It’s highly likely that it’s not that people don’t want to talk to you, but that they don’t know how or are scared or SOMEthing that has absolutely nothing to do with you. The Mad Men era of man meeting woman, taking woman out because man said so .. sadly is over, ladies.

Third, I highly recommend being yourself as much as possible. If you don’t usually wear a lot of makeup or fancy clothes, don’t do so on your dates – unless the location calls for it. If your goal is potentially long term, selling yourself as something you’re not can get you into trouble down the road. The temptation is always there to completely agree with the things your date likes but doing so might get you invited to a concert you reeeeally don’t want to go to or sitting in a theatre watching Twilight. Save yourself while you still can!

Here’s a quick little list of random dating tips for you:

• If you meet online, make sure you discuss the possibility that maybe you’ll have no chemistry in person. It’ll be awkward but at least you can maybe move on as friends if you want to.
• On the above note, from experience, try to meet as soon as possible in person, if you’ve met online. You don’t want to fall head over heels for an idea that might not exist in person. Use the internet to establish a lack of crazy, some common interests and a place to meet.
• Movies are a terrible first date option. You can’t get to know one another and you’re too foreign to really take advantage of the sexual tension between you. Save movies for the third or fourth date if you like.
• Try something like mini golf or a fancy restaurant, but activities or caviar on a first date aren’t always necessary despite what reality TV  tries to tell us. If you’re picking the place why not take your date to your favorite restaurant or café or spot in the city? Give them a taste of who you are as a person not the person you think they want you to be.

And finally remember that as unsure and worried about how the other person sees you is likely how they’re feeling about you too. Be confident. Be vulnerable. Be open to the fact that it might be a horrible time, but you’ll get a great story out of it and maybe next time it’ll be pure perfection.

Good luck!

I find you somewhat attractive but not overbearingly. Previous experience and current state of affairs indicate that you will feel the same way about me. But still, ritual requires that we continue with a number . . . → Read More: A recent okCupid email]]>

This made me laugh and perhaps if I wasn’t 51% enemy with this fella I’d give him a chance.

I find you somewhat attractive but not overbearingly. Previous experience and current state of affairs indicate that you will feel the same way about me. But still, ritual requires that we continue with a number of platonic activities before we have sex. I would not mind proceeding with such activities, but in point of actual fact, all I really want to do is have intercourse with you as soon as possible.

In 2007 when I was dating the sous-chef, I know now that he was a total escape for me. Only 8 months into being open, Steph and I didn’t really know what we were doing – as . . . → Read More: Parachute]]>

Something I’ve realized lately: I don’t want to be anyone’s escape relationship. It makes me feel icky and kinda’ sad.

In 2007 when I was dating the sous-chef, I know now that he was a total escape for me. Only 8 months into being open, Steph and I didn’t really know what we were doing – as only experience can bring complete knowledge – so rather than talking about some issues, or even knowing they existed, I threw myself head first into my secondary relationship, which eventually scared him off. WAY off.

Thinking about it now I totally get the chef’s side. Knowing that someone enjoys being with me because we’re “easy” isn’t enough. I want to know that I’m awesome to them just as I am, not when held up against current or past relationships. Comparison is natural, we all do it, but I’m a big advocate of enjoying something for what it is, not because it is what something else isn’t.

I completely understand comparison dating. Non-monogamy allows us to find people that might be different then our current partner, should we have one. Husband doesn’t spank you? Find someone that does. Girlfriend won’t go to the game with you? Find someone that does.

Enjoy them for what they bring to you, but don’t treat them as your escape route because when the other person can see through it; well it’s just not very fun to be a parachute.

And every time I do that, I’m wrong.

Last weeks’ chat was a big one, and the focus was on sharing. Not of lovers, or bathroom time, but of our thoughts; what we’re thinking at any given . . . → Read More: Realizations: He IS In The Moment (ish)]]>

I always fool myself into thinking that after the last epic conversation that Steph and I have, there won’t be anymore.

And every time I do that, I’m wrong.

Last weeks’ chat was a big one, and the focus was on sharing. Not of lovers, or bathroom time, but of our thoughts; what we’re thinking at any given moment. Over the years of being open I’ve found myself drawn to people who comment on the things they observe in life. Sometimes, like Don, they have amazing powers of observation and memory retention – (though I’m sure not always in his home life!!) and make me feel on top of the world by saying something they’ve noticed, or intuitively knowing the next move.I’ve also seen first hand how others can react as Harvey once was taken aback and truly complimented when he understood how well I really knew him just by a few words that I said.

Sharing observations and thoughts about those around you and the world is important to me and it’s often gotten me down when Steph doesn’t do it. He appears to often live in a dum dee dum world, not being aware of the people around him. Turns out that isn’t the case, but there’s an absolute disconnect in what he’s thinking and what he puts out there.This is where I might start to sound like a whiny girl, so please just go along for the ride.

Steph’s pretty good at telling me; if I’ve fixed myself up and we’re heading out, “You look great tonight.” which is always appreciated. I’m very aware that there are other people who never hear those words from their partners so I am grateful for it. However … what I’d love to hear, and do hear from others, is all the in-between the compliments thoughts.

The private thoughts to himself where he might notice the softness of my skin, or the fullness of my lips. Those moments where he’s slightly taken aback by something that he loves about me. Something that, unless he actually says so, I’ll never know he’s thinking.

You’d assume that being with someone for so long, I would know when he’s thinking this stuff, but as he’s always kept his observations to himself, unless prompted, I’m often in the dark. I’m a big “enjoyer of moments” and it sometimes makes me sad when I think that he either isn’t or just doesn’t know how to express his feelings about them.

But we’re working on it!

The other thing that came up was his restlessness. We were sitting in the backyard, enjoying dinner and then suddenly like that … he was done. He gobbles up his food like nobody’s business where as I take a cue from my English roots and like to savor my food and time, content for my food to get cold. Once he’s finished though, his eyes start moving around, scanning the area anxiously and it stresses me out. Rather than just sitting there and being in that moment, he’s admitted to overanalyzing what to do next. “What should I do? What should I say?” It comes across in his facial expressions so much that I end up getting cranky; annoyed that we couldn’t just “be”.

Rather than worry about saying the right thing, or even saying anything at all, Steph knows now that I am perfectly content with silence sometimes. Or walking with no destination. (He’s always been anti-walking unless he’s got somewhere to go.) We don’t have to be doing anything important, sometimes just doing nothing is enough.

Other times we’ll want to do our own thing, and that’s cool too. We might both want to veg and be in our own heads. There’s nothing wrong with doing nothing separately, together. But if it’s happening because he’s stressing himself out about doing the wrong thing and then giving up because he can’t decide, that’s when I have a problem.

So at the end of the chat, which lasted off and on through out the day, we both had some things to work on. He’s going to try and be more proactive and tell me his thoughts. Even if he’s thinking some weird visual observation about his environment that will likely bore me. And I’m going to try to not be so bored … when he does because it’s practice for when he tells me other stuff.

Like … “Damn woman, bring that ass over here!”

Or, y’know … whatever.

It’s been a while since I turned the mirror on myself for a little self-examination and I think I’m overdue so here goes.

Most of you already know. I’ve been in an open marriage for 3.5 years and it probably saved my relationship, or at the very least saved from a life of denying that I was . . . → Read More: Through My Looking Glass]]>

It’s been a while since I turned the mirror on myself for a little self-examination and I think I’m overdue so here goes.

Most of you already know. I’ve been in an open marriage for 3.5 years and it probably saved my relationship, or at the very least saved from a life of denying that I was unhappy when it truth I must have been when I think of how ridiculously happy I am now. (I mean it only makes sense!)I’ve gone from severe sluttery to love to brief BDSM relationships and back again. I’ve fallen in love at various levels on multiple occasions. I’ve drunkenly slept with friends, I’ve had strangers tie me up, I’ve been the crazy girl that’s been probably rightfully dumped and I’ve given so much of myself that I’ve lost focus and didn’t treat everyone as well as I could’ve. When I look back, it’s easy to skim over the memories, but holy shit it freaks me out when I really think about the past few years.

When I fell for the sous chef in 2007, I fell crazy hard. He was the first guy to affect me emotionally in a serious way. Looking back, it was the craziest lust I’d ever felt up to that point, but we were pushed into it … he didn’t own a couch. Lying down was the only option!! When he called things off, I went um, slightly off the deep end. In our relationship I had become the crazy one. My first official open marriage break-up and my brain imploded. I’d had no training for that, I was a total newb! It’s totally embarrassing when I look back on it.

Even after my first breakup the second big one with the Kids hit me really hard. There’s nothing like being helpless as someone tells you of their decision to change your life’s direction. Trying to hold it together at home as a wife while feeling like a freshly dumped single person is challenging beyond belief.

Luckily, there haven’t really been too many heartaches in our house. We’ve had some challenges, some situations that worked out not in our favor, and some people who have left our lives as quickly as they’ve come in but not with animosity. Or at least, not much.

Strangely, my longest relationship this entire time has been with Harvey. He’s cheating. I’m open. He’s a liar. I tell the truth so much I get myself in trouble. I have no excuse and neither does he, but I’m content with it because he means a lot to me.

And then there’s the current crew, and they’re not going anywhere. The Drapers are the “Forever” that the Kids never stood a chance at being. While it’s been an occasionally tumultuous year and a bit, my love for the two of them is constantly growing. And it seems that everyone’s individual relationships within the dynamic of the four of us are strengthening too, which is fantastic and lately we’ve had more individual dates. I don’t know if we’ll partake in any group nakedness again, or girl + girl, but I don’t worry about them not being around for a long time to come so who knows. As for other peeps, Kitty might not always be in my bedroom, but she’s a dear friend and kindred spirit for life. And the same goes for the rest of the crew. You know who you are.

Sadly there are some relationships that didn’t work out this year already. Some people I had hopes for getting closer with / sharing polyamory stories / sometime sharing beds with didn’t like me as I’d wished. Or did, but I fucked it up. Or maybe they do and I didn’t, but I’m too dumb to figure it all out so it’s gone in a completely different direction than I had hoped. I really don’t know, to be honest.

Such is life. I can only talk about it so much before I talk myself into a deep underground grave.

I think I’ve gotten a handle on it all now though, kind of. Steph and I are amazing. We deal with jealousy and time management with a lot more ease than when we first started. Our sex life has improved by a mile and we understand each other now. I mean, really understand each other.

When I look back at myself over the past few years, I know I’ve been the same person all the way through; I’m just so much more complete now. I’ve realized now how important it is to be with people who either aren’t newbs to the whole situation OR to have extra patience with those that are, if I want to be with them for any length of time.

If I look at my reflection in the looking glass now, I hope that it finally shows a woman who loves as much as she can, is one helluva dirty bitch, and is worth knowing, even if just a little or just for a while.

Around the beginning of March Don and I got into a fight. The reason for the fight was kind of unrelated (translation: I’m not discussing it) to what ended up being my takeaway. In the over a year since we’ve known each other, . . . → Read More: Realizations: I own my calendar]]>

It’s been an interesting, yet kind of fucked up, past month in my brain.

Around the beginning of March Don and I got into a fight. The reason for the fight was kind of unrelated (translation: I’m not discussing it) to what ended up being my takeaway. In the over a year since we’ve known each other, we’d talk often about making a date and I’d leave my schedule open or even cancel plans with people, only to find out that he wasn’t really making an effort as much as he’d say he wanted to. Not that I blame him; it’s not like navigating open relationships is the easiest thing to do!

He admitted this during the fight; that more often than not he was going along with it, getting my hopes up but constantly lacking the follow through. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to hang out, but due to many reasons – I think one including a caution on his part – we didn’t as much as discussed.

So when we both realized this I kinda’ pulled away. I realized how much energy had been going into mentally prepping for scheduling time together and how spent it had been leaving me. It made me kinda’ sad, but also simply exhausted at the idea of being … exhausted.

Now that some time has passed, we’ve talked about it. Things were weird, but they’re getting back to a new normal now, which is great. Steph has also changed lately; I can’t put my finger on it but he seems to have matured (?) somehow. Pulling away from Don has also taken my head out of the clouds to allow me to see it more and I’m really enjoying Steph’s company lately, more so than ever before. It’s not that the want to hang out with Don, alone or with the four of us has lessened, but I have been hit over the head with the fact that there was a lot of over-promising and under-delivering and I need to own my part of that and not make myself so available all the time only to be disappointed. The other day I didn’t cancel plans with Harvey when I could’ve hung out with Steph and Don, and while it felt really weird and I had to deal with feeling kinda’ guilty, it was nice to have control over my calendar again.

When we hung out last night I noticed how the fight and aftershock has affected me and the two of us together, and it’s definitely for the better. Instead of thinking constantly that I better enjoy myself NOW because who knows how long it would be to get time alone again, I was able to just be really happy with the moments we were having.

That my friends, is a breakthrough 15 months in the making.

There are poly people I know . . . → Read More: Until The End]]>

Last night, in a slight vodka punch haze, Steph and I got into a deep (see drunken) conversation while laying in our bed at the Drapers. Sparked by an offhand comment, we talked about primary and secondary relationships and the level of equality, respect and attention that they get and deserve.

There are poly people I know that don’t do the primary / secondary thing. They treat each relationship as equal, for what it is, and really I suppose that’s how we do it, leaning a bit more toward marital primaries. There are things that obviously Steph and I have together that we won’t have (at least not for the time being) with other people. We share a house, a car, three cats, and almost all aspects of our lives with each other.

Where it still to this day becomes confusing is when thinking of the other relationships and how they fit. When they’re more casual it’s easier to leave them that way. You needn’t worry about life details and bills and all that jazz, but when they’re more serious that stuff sort of creeps up on you. The whole notion of the numbered labels really throws me off as I don’t consider any of the people I care about to be less important to me than he is.

Now slightly unrelated, as I don’t really remember what else we talked about on that topic so we’re moving on – vodka punch haze you see; one thing that Steph said really struck me. We started talking about the possibility of us not staying together. Not that there’s any plans in motion for us to separate, but it’s still interesting to talk about. He told me that wherever I am to end up, and whomever it’s with, he just wants to know that I’m happy. Not to say that he wouldn’t fight for me and that it wouldn’t hurt, but he’s convinced that even if we weren’t together he’d still be in my life until the end.

After an intense conversation about our feelings about our relationship and our other relationships I needed nothing more than to hear him say that to drift off into a peaceful, content slumber.

Well, maybe a Tylenol would have been handy too but let’s not get greedy.

We'd be sexier than this. Faster too!

Me. Samantha. *Slut of the North with a love for both the boy and the girl parts said no to fucking Steph and Ruby.

And how I handled it was interesting to me:

It was a long day at work. Every day is  a long day . . . → Read More: Threesome tonight? No thanks. Wait, what??]]>

Tonight I refused a threesome.

We'd be sexier than this. Faster too!

Me. Samantha. *Slut of the North with a love for both the boy and the girl parts said no to fucking Steph and Ruby.

And how I handled it was interesting to me:

It was a long day at work. Every day is  a long day at work, really. I end the day with a head and back ache, cranky and wanting to be just about anywhere else but mainly at home. Steph had plans to go to the ‘rippers with Ruby, and I was going home to blog (oops) and open some bills. Instead of blogging I hung out with the Drapers, which was nice, but by the time they left I just wanted needed alone time.

It’s very rare that I actually need alone time, away from people besides Steph. Usually, I can handle being with people I love for every hour of the day taking time to myself when I have to (ie: for blogging), but not just because. Tonight though, I was just done with the day, so I let him know, apologizing to the two of them for the lack of shenanigans as we had previously planned on.

He said there wasn’t any pressure and that she really wanted to come over. I totally wanted her to; I mean I do dig on this girl, but the idea of having to clean up, fix my very tired looking face and be “on” wasn’t working for me. And my lovely husband being his lovely self said that was totally ok, and no pressure at all.

And then he texted asking if I’d mind them fooling around in another room.

It took everything I had not to murder him through the phone. First of all, we only do things with other people when one of us is drunk and / or passed out, and / or it’s approved as ok much more ahead of time. NOT when one person had a bad day and would rather get a hug than have to pretend things aren’t happening in the other room. It’s just how we work being poly in this house, at this time.

But I held my tongu … texting finger. I said that I would indeed mind and then he suggested they go to her place. (Not an option, earlier in the eve.) Instead of being the super bitch that I sometimes can turn into when he says something to hurt my feelings, I put it aside. I said we would talk about it later and I told him to enjoy himself, meaning it. He agreed.

To make sure there was no misunderstanding about how I was feeling I let him know that, while I’d like him to be here to snuggle with, I was also perfectly ok with him being out having fun. And if logistically it made sense for him to spend the night, I’m ok with that. He said he might take a cab or try for the last subway, so if he does come home I still don’t expect him home for at least an hour and that’s alright with me.

All of this got me suddenly noticing how easy it had become. Maybe it’s because we’re both dating Ruby and there’s no question to me about the fact that I’m included, should I want to be. Or maybe it’s that both Steph and I have matured. We’ve finally figured out poly after 3 and a half years. I’m ok with him being out because I trust that we’ll be able to talk about any of the little details that sometimes fuck it all up, should that be necessary.

I always say that jealousy is an onion and when you peel mine down what you’ll find, besides a little standard insecurity, envy and possessiveness is a strong desire to be respected, emotionally and logistically. It’s always been the little details that have fucked us up and we both know it.

So for now, I’m just glad he’s having fun and that I’ve been able to do my own thing tonight.

(I suspect this new feeling of calm may stem from the chat we had last night about our sex life and how we’re going to fix some things that are missing. That was meant to be the blog post tonight but … well it wasn’t. It’ll come soon and then you’ll get the whole picture. I promise or you can have my favorite pair of socks.)

*Ok, so Slut of the North; that’s an exaggeration. It was just fun to type.

Enjoy this prehistoric threesome now.

He gave me one of those lovely backhanded compliments and said I looked very nice (ok, that part’s good). Nice and put-together. Like I had put effort in. I had . . . → Read More: Silly Observations Over Rum]]>

Since being open, my longest relationship has been with Harvey. We went out last week for dinner and I felt like sharing a snippet of our chat.

He gave me one of those lovely backhanded compliments and said I looked very nice (ok, that part’s good). Nice and put-together. Like I had put effort in. I had to laugh at this and asked him to explain. Apparently I often look eclectic, which when I think about it is probably pretty accurate. The reason I found it so funny though is that a few years ago when so much of our relationship involved new dominant / submissive psychology I would struggle for days about deciding what to wear. I would have to plan a few days of outfits ahead of our “dates” so that I could save whatever special thing I felt like wearing when dinner time would arrive.

And now? I go into the closet in the morning and think … “Sure, this works.” I think about it for maybe 2 minutes.

When I told him about how what he was seeing was the opposite of how I was actually acting, he was surprised and that, in turn, surprised me. As much as you know someone there’s always something more and we are able to put up a front and have someone believe that front for years.

I like that. It’s strangely comforting.

I didn’t like that he didn’t give me a heads up at the beginning of the night that we’d be splitting the bill because he’s curbing his spending. Sure, I’m happy to pay occasionally but when I’m used to being taken out when his salary is a ton more than mine … give a girl some warning before asking her to do some math when she’s drunk!

At least I can enjoy the knowledge that he hates the nickname Harvey, despite it being totally appropriate. This makes the evil in me a little happy.