I wasted a lot of energy in 2011 on other people. Any of it that wasn’t going to my job went to other people, with a teensy tiny bit of leftovers coming to me. (And of course, I always have a permanent chunk for my lovely husband. That doesn’t change.) I lay . . . → Read More: Becoming the Hunted]]>

Big cat says "Me-ow"

I wasted a lot of energy in 2011 on other people. Any of it that wasn’t going to my job went to other people, with a teensy tiny bit of leftovers coming to me. (And of course, I always have a permanent chunk for my lovely husband. That doesn’t change.) I lay myself bare to be attacked last year, removing my heart from my chest and serving it on a platter for other people to nom on. Along the way I completely forgot what it was that mattered to me. I pursued others because I thought that’s what I needed or they wanted but I really had no idea what I was doing.

I realize now that all of that time spent pursuing was an absolute waste. The only benefit of it has come in the self-awareness I have gained, knowing that I don’t want to ever feel like I did last year.

So while it has arrived at the beginning of the year, this isn’t a resolution. It’s more of an awakening. Or a slap over the head if that’s a more eye opening way of looking at it.

2012 is not going to be about pursuing others while hurting myself. This year (and life moving forward) will be about making time for people that are good to me. I will put effort into seeing friends and lovers who offer my life richness, excitement and affection. And I will allow myself to be pursue like I totally deserve, because I. Am. Awesome.

At the moment I have a pretty, sexy lady who is offering me plenty of attention, and it’s lovely. I’ve also thought to myself about putting a bit more effort into dating some friends I have crushes on, but I’m going to leave those possibilities in their courts.

The hunter is FINALLY going to allow herself to become the hunted and that sounds like perfect evolution to me.

My wedding ring and I have a strange relationship. When I’m at home, I often pay it no attention, abandoning it on a random shelf as soon as I walk in the door. It never sleeps with me or sees me naked. I won’t let it eat at the dinner table and it certainly never gets . . . → Read More: One ring to rule me]]>

My wedding ring and I have a strange relationship. When I’m at home, I often pay it no attention, abandoning it on a random shelf as soon as I walk in the door. It never sleeps with me or sees me naked. I won’t let it eat at the dinner table and it certainly never gets to hang out during sex.

However when it’s time to leave the house and go out in public, I am absolutely lost without it. On those days where I cannot remember which one of five random shelves has been graced with my white-gold, sad excuse for bling band, I find myself sometimes hiding my ring finger when surrounded by strangers, lest someone see me as not married or worse … with a wedding ring tan line (a sure sign of cheating, some would say).

My relationship with Ringy started out pretty rocky in the early days. I really resisted having to hook up with a wedding ring for a few reasons. First, I really didn’t think that having one was necessary to be married. It’s like I was ok with actually getting married, but still an activist against all of the traditions that came along with it. Second, we were poor. Spending money on a piece of jewelery that I assumed I would inevitably lose seemed like a complete waste of good resources. So Steph and I did our very best to get the almost cheapest rings we could find.

We spent $150 on a simple white-gold band for me. A figure that we decided was ok to have to spend again should we have to replace it. (so far, we haven’t.) And somehow, seemingly against my will, Ringy and I are stuck together.

When I’m out dancing or looking at cute boys – and girls – I can’t not wear the damn thing. If I’m in one of those moods where all I want to do is make out with a stranger or maybe more, there’s something that makes me feel uncomfortable not wearing that identifier. When I sometimes take it off and put it on my necklace I feel amazingly cheeky, like a nine year old boy who’s just found his first Playboy magazine. Those casual hook ups I sometimes want would likely be much easier if I didn’t have the strong desire to point out “Hey! I’m married! I’m ALSO non-monogamous! Hope you’re super cooooool with that!” from the get-go. In fact, maybe there actually would BE some casual hook ups because I would likely be more relaxed about the whole situation.

(As a side note; lately there have been a severe lack of casual or serious hook-ups. 2011 has been a very boring, yet interesting, yet tragic year in my non-monogamous life, but that’s for another blog post … or auto-biography.)

Good ol’ Ringy here holds a sick power over me. I would love to chalk it up to sweet sentimentality and something along the lines of; I just have to make sure I’m always wearing my ring because it shows how committed I am to my husband and how I love him more than life itself and we will always be together and it is a symbol of our love and affect …

barf.

Not that I don’t adore Steph. Not that I’m not completely committed to him, but if I dig deeper into my relationship with Ringy, I highly suspect that we will find insecurities ruling this twisted relationship. For some strange reason, our formative years can often have more of a hold over us than recent times – perhaps because we haven’t lived as long then, so teenage angst takes up a much larger percentage of our overall life then vs. now – Anyway. In MY formative years I was never the girl in a relationship. Boys didn’t want to kiss me, or maybe they did and I didn’t notice. Without getting into the whole “poor me” routine, I was a bit of a tragic, single, third wheel, fat kid for a long time and that persona has stuck with me, albeit under the surface, for years.

I never grew up caring about getting married one day but now that I am? I have to make sure that when I’m out in public my persona is that of married woman. Like I’ve succeeded at relationships. “Ta da, look at me! You all thought I was a looooser, but Ringy and I are joined at the hip now, bitches!”

I suspect part of it is that I find it more amusing to tell people I’m in an open relationship AFTER they find out I’m married because they sometimes squirm more and boy, I love a good squirm. Maybe it is simply insecurities that make me cling to that ring, and even buy fakees to store in the car in case I do forget ol’ Ringy in the bathroom. I don’t know, and I suppose it doesn’t really matter.

Maybe I just like those times when I’ll catch a guy on the subway looking down my cleavage and I’ll slide my hand slowly in front of my tits, just enough to show off that evil, lovely band and bring a little Catholic guilt to a strangers face.

However, I’ve come to the conclusion that maybe I should start . . . → Read More: Y. Oh Y.]]> Unlike riding a bike, dating for me, is quite … unlike riding a bike. It’s not something I can just pick up again because there are so many factors like state of being, state of relationships and state of confidence that come into play each time.

However, I’ve come to the conclusion that maybe I should start at least consider dating again; men that is. I am really missing having another man in my life. As much as I lust and love after my husband, I cannot deny that other men bring a new emotional and / or sexual energy to my being that I haven’t connected with in a long time. To be honest though, I am pretty sure that the idea of dating again completely terrifies me. I don’t remember how to flirt with someone new and I’m pretty convinced that I don’t think I can be bothered with the whole “getting to know you” stage … again.

Plus, as much as I am trying to tell myself that I *want* to start dating men again; in reality, I just want my other two relationships back as they were. I miss them both terribly and feel like they’re both just floating in the ether and I can’t reach them. While both situations are very different, they happened at the same time and have both left me feeling empty. (Thank fuck I’m super busy at work and have other amazing people in my life that take me out and adore me or else I’d be a complete disaster.) The attempt to be friends with Don, which, while very difficult for me, I thought we were succeeding at, seems to have failed with no contact in a week after an intense email exchange. And while I remain hurt at Crush’s complete nonchalance about disappearing for so long, I’m also frozen at the idea of talking to him about it. What if I’m being too harsh? Or what if I’m right? It’s likely closure I need in both cases, but I feel like as soon as I get it, I’m slamming the door on possibility. And this fills my throat with a lump at the mere thought of it.

That’s another reason I’m scared to date. For the majority of my relationship with Don, I didn’t want to date any other guys. There were a multitude of reasons behind that, but the main one was that I felt fulfilled and just had no interest. I felt no craving for extra male energy so when Crush came along, it was a surprise to me that I fell down that rabbit hole. By now considering dating guys as a possibility, it’s like I am admitting total defeat and waving my white flag when it comes to accepting that things are no longer as they were.

Going back in time a few years, my relationship before this was six months long with S, and my “dating” phase before HIM was a BDSM discovery phase, which was certainly very, um, different than your standard first date, first base adventure. (First date, home run, whatever.)

The point is, I don’t remember how to be only in one relationship with a man – being my husband, of course – and meet a new guy as it has been a really long time since that has happened. When I met Crush, I had the security(?) of Don behind me and while I have two gorgeous and wonderful women in my life at the moment that bring me a lot of happiness, I have always found there to be distinct differences between dating men and dating women. While dating a lot of new people was something I was more comfortable with years ago when we opened up, now I feel full of fail at the very thought of it. My failure at keeping relationships healthy with two men I care deeply for has really kicked my confidence square in the nuts, despite the fact that I may be / have been helpless to save either of them. (note my not wanting to choose a tense there, as I don’t want to make assumptions on the status of either of them). Although I have met plenty of men and women that find my larger body size sexy and appealing, I have also stopped believing that the type of men I am attracted to might also be attracted to me. I can’t really explain it, but whatever that confidence was stored inside of before has cracked and now it has leaked out and disappeared.

I refuse to believe though that because I have suddenly reached this point in my life where I am very professionally confident for the first time ever, that I cannot have both this and personal confidence. I know that it’s up to me to just … fix it. I need to woman up, kick myself in the ass and be happy with myself again. I have done it before, although I haven’t been up against such strong interior and exterior demons. I need to date if I WANT to date, not because I feel I have to. But if I do find out that I want to, then I have to make myself available to do that. There’s nothing that says I must get into emotional relationships with people; although those types of gigs do follow me around. Why not consider casual and simply enjoy a sexy romp or two or seven? Either way, I will have to find time to write messages, meet people, ask people out, or respond if they ask me. I have to accept things about myself that will never change and either begin again to make changes on the things I can, or accept that I’m probably not going to. I have to not be afraid of rejection because its after effects have had me in their clutches for far too long and I am suffering for it.

I have to stop assuming that the cute boys I might want to get to know want me to go away. If they do, then I will. But what, I ask myself, if they don’t?

Maybe I’ll consider finding this out.

Seeing is believing, right? If only that could be the case all the time. I used to have a huge problem with knowing something about myself and still believing the exact opposite. This often affected my self-image. In fact, it was mainly ONLY related to my self-image. No matter what I knew, whatever I . . . → Read More: Knowing is literally only 1/2 the battle]]> (Thanks GI Joe!)

Seeing is believing, right? If only that could be the case all the time. I used to have a huge problem with knowing something about myself and still believing the exact opposite. This often affected my self-image. In fact, it was mainly ONLY related to my self-image. No matter what I knew, whatever I believed was always the thought that possessed the most control over me.

You see, as a bigger girl, I never believed that I was worthy of a love as a teenager and as I became an adult. I also knew at the same time that thinking those thoughts was ridiculous. I was completely worthy of love and eventually one or many would come along, but at the same time I knew it, I also did not believe it one bit. Confusing, yes?It took many years for me to merge my two ways of thinking. My knowing and believing streams finally crossed at some point and became one form of thought. I don’t know when it happened, nor do I remember what caused them to finally get along, they just did one day. Occasionally they would separate for an hour or a day, here and there as I suppose they needed to take a break from certainty and happiness to really appreciate what they had become together.

Whether it’s finding out I’ve lost some muscle and gained some weight, the winter blahs, or side effects of the break(up) … it seems that Knowing and Believing are in a fight once again, currently in a temporary separation. I have started looking in the mirror and not liking what I’m seeing. I struggle with clothing, finding anything that I like as it seems my muffin top appears in every pair of pants or on top of every skirt. In photos I am noticing that my face is larger, my arms thicker and my smile smaller. This part is actual fact, not me being crazy but I still wouldn’t have been so affected by it before.

Outside of my appearance comes the breakup insecurities. I realized this morning that I have been avoiding trying the “friendship” route with Don because I feel that staying in constant contact with him means two things: 1) I’m showing that I’ve accepted and am ok with us as just friends and 2) that he won’t miss me if I’m around. It’s a self-preservation mechanism, I suppose. When we text and joke and things seem happy I reach this point where I am suddenly very conscious of our interactions and feel the need to pull back, to avoid him thinking that everything is ok. I hate having that urge.

I know both of these things aren’t true; he’s even said so, and yet I can’t help feeling them. Also, while I know I wasn’t dumped for anything I had done, or any bad feelings he had about me – in fact completely the opposite as he needs to work on his life focus before we can possibly be together again – I still feel it.

I feel discarded and unwanted. All of the standard break-up things that people go through, I am feeling – even though I know from his mouth directly that I am way off base for feeling them. I seem to have lost my ability to remember what someone has said to me, then hold it up as fact and instead am allowing my insecurities to wreak havoc on my mind and stomp on any sort of truth that is trying to survive up there. I think it’s mainly the way that it all went down – very traditional crappy break-up. The new dynamic we’re attempting for now doesn’t match up with those few days of shit, but for some reason I can’t seem to get past that and look at things with a clear head.

So what can be done to fix it? Well, it’s nothing that other people can really help with; this I’ve learned over the years. My work life is currently super hectic, stressful but amazing and I have plenty of fantastic things to look forward to, this year and beyond. I am always grateful for the compliments given to me by my amazing friends and internet strangers, and I know that they are true or at least you think they are . Working on believing them again though, that part is up to me. Perhaps it’s a matter of connecting with my sex drive again. Maybe feeling some muscle or losing a few pounds would make a difference. Or maybe one day I will simply wake up to discover that while sleeping, Knowing and Believing have made up with one another and I can once again be at peace.

Whatever the solution is, I hope my brain finds it quickly. I’m done feeling 15 again. Mama wants to have some fun!

(PS: Writing this blog post has actually allowed me to feel free of a lot of this so maybe this was a good first step.)

Putting all of the logistics, heavy chats, fears and overwhelming-y-ness aside for a second, one of the awesome things that I’m . . . → Read More: Multiple Relationships & Gaining Perspective]]> Lately I’ve become involved in more relationships happening at once than I’ve ever been used to. There are more people on the scene than my brain can sometimes process and it’s all a little … complicated.

Putting all of the logistics, heavy chats, fears and overwhelming-y-ness aside for a second, one of the awesome things that I’m gaining from two boyfriends, some lovely ladies and a few connection lines back and forth is clear and defined perspective.

Perspective. It's a beautiful thing.

To those monogamous types who don’t understand how one relationship can give you perspective on another, trust me … I was once right there with you but somehow, it does. It’s easy to speak about needing different people for different reasons in our lives but it is an entirely different beast to truly embrace those differences and not find yourself comparing constantly. Having three men in my life, all very important, all very different has helped me to recognize why I want them all around. They all have some very obvious similarities. Witty, handsome, undouchey, beautiful characters. And then they have their own uniqueness, ranging from how we communicate to how we are under the sheets.

By understanding my relationship and sexuality with Crush I am able to really understand those same things with Don and with Steph. Instead of trying to embrace who we are not, I am suddenly seeing a very clear picture of who we are and where everyone fits. It’s certainly a challenge to navigate so many relationships at once, but gaining this new appreciation for everyone is making it even more worth it than just simply having their presence in my life.

I’ve said before that I’m not a fan of labels, and perhaps my ideas on this are changing. I dislike when a person is summed up in one word that may not touch on all of the pieces that make them who they are, but I am a fan of being able to clearly define my relationships and what makes them brilliant.

I am also gaining a better viewpoint for who I am as an individual and what my needs and desires are. While out for drinks with a beautiful woman the other night we talked about being ourselves and she hit the nail on the head when she said this.

I am myself with everyone I go out with. It might be a different self, but its still me.

This is how I want to live my life. I am myself 100% with everyone I meet and engage with, but I am multi-faceted and show something slightly different to all, though all pieces are a part of what makes me Samantha.

Gaining this perspective into my relationships is currently an overwhelming, sometimes difficult but always rewarding, journey. I don’t know where the future will take all of us but for now I am happy and full of appreciation.

Long, happy day smile

Anyway, after work I was meeting Crush at a bar by . . . → Read More: F*ck yeah, Thursday!]]> Wow, what a day. I knew it was going to be a long one, teaching for 9-10 hours always is. Oh, in case you didn’t know I teach some of the video game development class at George Brown in Toronto.

Long, happy day smile

Anyway, after work I was meeting Crush at a bar by his work and then Steph was coming to meet us both. Steph hasn’t met a single guy that I’ve been dating since 2007 so holy hell I was anxious, and by single guy I mean guy that’s actually single, not the other meaning. The last two guys that I’ve dated / are dating are in relationships so we all met at the same time, so this … this was different.

I’m not even sure who was more nervous between the three of us. When I got there, Crush said he was anxious and I was completely there with him. Holy crap he looked hot too. Just had to get that in there. Suh-woon!

About half an hour later Steph showed up. It was nice to have that little bit of flirty time alone with Crush, especially since we’ve had some pretty intense chats the past few days. I’ll possibly write a post about the “3rd Wheel Syndrome” that I’ve been feeling and how yesterday’s chat really helped me feel so great about it all. The boys got along like a house on fire, it was awesome to watch. When I went to the bathroom and came back they were talking about relationships! And non-monogamy! And all that faboo stuff!

I loved how Crush felt comfortable enough as well to acknowledge our relationship in front of Steph. I thought it showed a great level of confidence as well as respect and instant comfort.

We drove him home, chatted the whole way and said goodnight until we see him again at our party on Saturday night. (Holy crap, that’s a whole other post too … all the people that we’re dating, have dated or are about to date in one place at the same time PLUS a zillion other random people from twitter / school / normal life. I’m nervous for some people to meet and want to make sure that I don’t ignore anyone.)

Then we rushed to find outfits for our appearance on SexMatters TV to talk with lovely host Cynthia Loyst, live on CP24 about non-monogamy. This should be online soon so I’ll share the link with you then.

And now I’m writing this to you with a crazy half-smile on my face, wishing you all a pleasant eve and reminding you to remember that life is what you make it. I am truly blessed, truly lucky and truly grateful for all the good that comes my way. Go team!