However, I’ve come to the conclusion that maybe I should start . . . → Read More: Y. Oh Y.]]> Unlike riding a bike, dating for me, is quite … unlike riding a bike. It’s not something I can just pick up again because there are so many factors like state of being, state of relationships and state of confidence that come into play each time.

However, I’ve come to the conclusion that maybe I should start at least consider dating again; men that is. I am really missing having another man in my life. As much as I lust and love after my husband, I cannot deny that other men bring a new emotional and / or sexual energy to my being that I haven’t connected with in a long time. To be honest though, I am pretty sure that the idea of dating again completely terrifies me. I don’t remember how to flirt with someone new and I’m pretty convinced that I don’t think I can be bothered with the whole “getting to know you” stage … again.

Plus, as much as I am trying to tell myself that I *want* to start dating men again; in reality, I just want my other two relationships back as they were. I miss them both terribly and feel like they’re both just floating in the ether and I can’t reach them. While both situations are very different, they happened at the same time and have both left me feeling empty. (Thank fuck I’m super busy at work and have other amazing people in my life that take me out and adore me or else I’d be a complete disaster.) The attempt to be friends with Don, which, while very difficult for me, I thought we were succeeding at, seems to have failed with no contact in a week after an intense email exchange. And while I remain hurt at Crush’s complete nonchalance about disappearing for so long, I’m also frozen at the idea of talking to him about it. What if I’m being too harsh? Or what if I’m right? It’s likely closure I need in both cases, but I feel like as soon as I get it, I’m slamming the door on possibility. And this fills my throat with a lump at the mere thought of it.

That’s another reason I’m scared to date. For the majority of my relationship with Don, I didn’t want to date any other guys. There were a multitude of reasons behind that, but the main one was that I felt fulfilled and just had no interest. I felt no craving for extra male energy so when Crush came along, it was a surprise to me that I fell down that rabbit hole. By now considering dating guys as a possibility, it’s like I am admitting total defeat and waving my white flag when it comes to accepting that things are no longer as they were.

Going back in time a few years, my relationship before this was six months long with S, and my “dating” phase before HIM was a BDSM discovery phase, which was certainly very, um, different than your standard first date, first base adventure. (First date, home run, whatever.)

The point is, I don’t remember how to be only in one relationship with a man – being my husband, of course – and meet a new guy as it has been a really long time since that has happened. When I met Crush, I had the security(?) of Don behind me and while I have two gorgeous and wonderful women in my life at the moment that bring me a lot of happiness, I have always found there to be distinct differences between dating men and dating women. While dating a lot of new people was something I was more comfortable with years ago when we opened up, now I feel full of fail at the very thought of it. My failure at keeping relationships healthy with two men I care deeply for has really kicked my confidence square in the nuts, despite the fact that I may be / have been helpless to save either of them. (note my not wanting to choose a tense there, as I don’t want to make assumptions on the status of either of them). Although I have met plenty of men and women that find my larger body size sexy and appealing, I have also stopped believing that the type of men I am attracted to might also be attracted to me. I can’t really explain it, but whatever that confidence was stored inside of before has cracked and now it has leaked out and disappeared.

I refuse to believe though that because I have suddenly reached this point in my life where I am very professionally confident for the first time ever, that I cannot have both this and personal confidence. I know that it’s up to me to just … fix it. I need to woman up, kick myself in the ass and be happy with myself again. I have done it before, although I haven’t been up against such strong interior and exterior demons. I need to date if I WANT to date, not because I feel I have to. But if I do find out that I want to, then I have to make myself available to do that. There’s nothing that says I must get into emotional relationships with people; although those types of gigs do follow me around. Why not consider casual and simply enjoy a sexy romp or two or seven? Either way, I will have to find time to write messages, meet people, ask people out, or respond if they ask me. I have to accept things about myself that will never change and either begin again to make changes on the things I can, or accept that I’m probably not going to. I have to not be afraid of rejection because its after effects have had me in their clutches for far too long and I am suffering for it.

I have to stop assuming that the cute boys I might want to get to know want me to go away. If they do, then I will. But what, I ask myself, if they don’t?

Maybe I’ll consider finding this out.

Seeing is believing, right? If only that could be the case all the time. I used to have a huge problem with knowing something about myself and still believing the exact opposite. This often affected my self-image. In fact, it was mainly ONLY related to my self-image. No matter what I knew, whatever I . . . → Read More: Knowing is literally only 1/2 the battle]]> (Thanks GI Joe!)

Seeing is believing, right? If only that could be the case all the time. I used to have a huge problem with knowing something about myself and still believing the exact opposite. This often affected my self-image. In fact, it was mainly ONLY related to my self-image. No matter what I knew, whatever I believed was always the thought that possessed the most control over me.

You see, as a bigger girl, I never believed that I was worthy of a love as a teenager and as I became an adult. I also knew at the same time that thinking those thoughts was ridiculous. I was completely worthy of love and eventually one or many would come along, but at the same time I knew it, I also did not believe it one bit. Confusing, yes?It took many years for me to merge my two ways of thinking. My knowing and believing streams finally crossed at some point and became one form of thought. I don’t know when it happened, nor do I remember what caused them to finally get along, they just did one day. Occasionally they would separate for an hour or a day, here and there as I suppose they needed to take a break from certainty and happiness to really appreciate what they had become together.

Whether it’s finding out I’ve lost some muscle and gained some weight, the winter blahs, or side effects of the break(up) … it seems that Knowing and Believing are in a fight once again, currently in a temporary separation. I have started looking in the mirror and not liking what I’m seeing. I struggle with clothing, finding anything that I like as it seems my muffin top appears in every pair of pants or on top of every skirt. In photos I am noticing that my face is larger, my arms thicker and my smile smaller. This part is actual fact, not me being crazy but I still wouldn’t have been so affected by it before.

Outside of my appearance comes the breakup insecurities. I realized this morning that I have been avoiding trying the “friendship” route with Don because I feel that staying in constant contact with him means two things: 1) I’m showing that I’ve accepted and am ok with us as just friends and 2) that he won’t miss me if I’m around. It’s a self-preservation mechanism, I suppose. When we text and joke and things seem happy I reach this point where I am suddenly very conscious of our interactions and feel the need to pull back, to avoid him thinking that everything is ok. I hate having that urge.

I know both of these things aren’t true; he’s even said so, and yet I can’t help feeling them. Also, while I know I wasn’t dumped for anything I had done, or any bad feelings he had about me – in fact completely the opposite as he needs to work on his life focus before we can possibly be together again – I still feel it.

I feel discarded and unwanted. All of the standard break-up things that people go through, I am feeling – even though I know from his mouth directly that I am way off base for feeling them. I seem to have lost my ability to remember what someone has said to me, then hold it up as fact and instead am allowing my insecurities to wreak havoc on my mind and stomp on any sort of truth that is trying to survive up there. I think it’s mainly the way that it all went down – very traditional crappy break-up. The new dynamic we’re attempting for now doesn’t match up with those few days of shit, but for some reason I can’t seem to get past that and look at things with a clear head.

So what can be done to fix it? Well, it’s nothing that other people can really help with; this I’ve learned over the years. My work life is currently super hectic, stressful but amazing and I have plenty of fantastic things to look forward to, this year and beyond. I am always grateful for the compliments given to me by my amazing friends and internet strangers, and I know that they are true or at least you think they are . Working on believing them again though, that part is up to me. Perhaps it’s a matter of connecting with my sex drive again. Maybe feeling some muscle or losing a few pounds would make a difference. Or maybe one day I will simply wake up to discover that while sleeping, Knowing and Believing have made up with one another and I can once again be at peace.

Whatever the solution is, I hope my brain finds it quickly. I’m done feeling 15 again. Mama wants to have some fun!

(PS: Writing this blog post has actually allowed me to feel free of a lot of this so maybe this was a good first step.)

It was a quick hour and a half but it was totally what I needed to calm my brain down, if only for the time he was here. We haven’t been together in a . . . → Read More: Fit to be tied]]> Today I had an impromptu date with Harvey who happened to be available. I needed to escape into submission and he was available.

It was a quick hour and a half but it was totally what I needed to calm my brain down, if only for the time he was here. We haven’t been together in a long, long time so it was neat to see our relationship be able to go there again.

He tied me up, and it was my first time really being tied up with proper knots. The act of being tied up is such a good one for an active, broken brain, like mine. It forced me to slow down, pay attention to every word, every touch, every lift of my arms to get into position for whatever he was doing next.

It forced me to just focus on what was happening at that moment, to enjoy someone controlling the situation, falling under his spell and relaxing, regardless of it I felt embarrassed or not, which I did.

I sort of wanted it to go on for a lot longer, from a therapeutic standpoint, so that I could potentially cry and have a real, full release but maybe it’s better that I didn’t. Perhaps my morning panic attack had something to do with the fact that I thought that might happen. That I would be so into the headspace that I wouldn’t be able to control the emotions that would overtake me because of it and the breakup. That I would lose all control and be wailing on the floor like a little girl. It’s something that I have done before, and enjoy, but I’ve done so much crying lately that I really didn’t want that to happen today.

Thankfully it didn’t get too crazy. He hurt me, slapped me around, made me ridiculously turned on and was also gentle. In those moments I felt very comfortable and able to let go.

I have a sense of calm now. Who knows; it might only last another hour, it might last until tomorrow but I’m glad to have it while I do.

“Give it to me right, or don’t give it to me at all.”

It made me think about sexpectations that society puts on our guys . . . → Read More: This One’s For The Ladies …]]> … with dicks on their minds.

Driving home from a date recently with a satisfied smile on my face, this song came on the radio and I found myself getting annoyed with the lyrics.

“Give it to me right, or don’t give it to me at all.”

It made me think about sexpectations that society puts on our guys and how it’s pretty unfair to them and their manhood. I can think of countless occasions where women I’ve known – or have overheard – have been discussing men’s bits and the things men do with them in bed, complaining through most of the conversation.

• “He couldn’t stay or get hard.”
• “He came way too quickly.”
• “He touched me too rough.”
• “He touched me too soft.”
• “He didn’t come.”
• “He came too much.”
• “His dick was too short.”
• “His dick was too long.”

People have such high expectations going into sexual relationships that they often get lost in searching for the ideal and forget to be realistic.

What’s realistic, ladies, is this:

While I will not deny the power of a good, hard fucking sex can be about so much more than penis in vagina. Not all guys stay hard all the time. Some have trouble getting hard and others don’t get hard at all. Now of course it depends on what you’re looking for. If you’re looking specifically for a fuck buddy with a hard cock and no sexual issues and won’t budge on that, then I wish you well on your search. There are plenty of them out there! But if you think that maybe you’re open to trying something new, I invite you to “lower your standards”.

Indulge me for a second. When I say “lower your standards”, it’s not really what I mean. What I mean to say is that I invite you to “be realistic”. By being willing to accept certain things that you’re used to thinking of as flaws, you may be opening yourself up to the best sex of your life which you might miss if you don’t call him back when his dick can’t stay up at 4 in the morning after a drunken roll around.

Sex can be so great if you let yourself relax a little. If your man isn’t doing something you like then speak the fuck up. If you’re enjoying what he’s doing then speak the fuck up so he will remember for next time. If his cock isn’t hard the second you take his pants off then treat this as an opportunity to get the whole thing in your mouth before it does and have a little ta-da moment. Personally I love watching or feeling it happen. There’s a sense of accomplishment that can come along with that. Yay!

Some guys come reeeeeeaally quickly. Like within 1 or 2 minutes quickly. I’ve had that myself and while I won’t deny there have been times when I was disappointed as I wanted a LOT more, I learned to appreciate the build up, delay it as much as I could and embrace the power of teasing. Being able to adapt to each situation will not only make you a better lover but it will allow you to enjoy yourself instead of getting uptight that things didn’t go “perfectly.”

Life isn’t perfect and sometimes you get cum in your hair. Or worse, your eye. Sometimes people fart or queef and you have to laugh. The most intense moments can be brought down by a silly sneeze. Condoms might not work. Cocks might not be hard. Bodies might not be perfect. You might have a muscle spasm. The list goes on and on and on.

And if you let yourself get over all this stuff you’ll see how perfect it can be.

Now get out there and doooooo eeeeeeet.

I find you somewhat attractive but not overbearingly. Previous experience and current state of affairs indicate that you will feel the same way about me. But still, ritual requires that we continue with a number . . . → Read More: A recent okCupid email]]> This made me laugh and perhaps if I wasn’t 51% enemy with this fella I’d give him a chance.

I find you somewhat attractive but not overbearingly. Previous experience and current state of affairs indicate that you will feel the same way about me. But still, ritual requires that we continue with a number of platonic activities before we have sex. I would not mind proceeding with such activities, but in point of actual fact, all I really want to do is have intercourse with you as soon as possible.

Met Another Frog is geared to urban women and offers stories, social commentary and ‘edutainment’ about:

My challenge? Explain the myths behind men cheating.

Read on, and let me know what . . . → Read More: Men Only Cheat When…]]> Recently I was asked to write a guest blog post for Met Another Frog, about the myths behind men cheating.

Met Another Frog is geared to urban women and offers stories, social commentary and ‘edutainment’ about:

• dating and relationships
• love
• sex
• achieving personal satisfaction on one’s own terms

My challenge? Explain the myths behind men cheating.

Read on, and let me know what you think.

Men only cheat when they’re unhappy partners, or with women who are better looking than you.

What you just read, is a partial myth. It’s an easy one to live with as the reasons are so easy to understand and therefore ignore. Not happy? Then of course he’ll stray. Better looking than you? Well honey, you just never stood a chance. Don’t blame yourself.

The fact is that men cheat for many other reasons, and today, I’m going to shed some light on the issue by breaking some of them down for you. Why am I qualified? Well I’ve been in an open relationship for three and a half years and for almost three of those I’ve had an “undefinable” relationship with a married man. He loves his wife dearly, and despite the unforgivable lies and deceit, he’s a very caring and respectable husband. It can happen.

Reason #1 – He Feels Ignored

I believe that a large percentage of everything that men do is guided by ego; not to say that’s a bad thing. Society grows our men up with the idea that they need to be tough and ready to handle anything; but when it comes to relationships – personal or business – men can be as sensitive as us girls. If a man feels he’s being ignored and another woman gives him a little attention; it’s a hard thing to resist. You might think that this is the same as being unhappy, but I believe that because there are so many layers to the word “unhappy”, we shouldn’t use it as a blanket statement.

Reason #2 – “I’m Proud Of You”

Without proper care a long-term relationship can sometimes wear a man down. Years of “Can you take out the garbage?”, “Did you pick up the milk?” and “I have a headache” can easily lead to two partners living as roommates, without much of a romantic connection. When all a man hears from his SO is nagging, nagging, and wait for it ladies…still more nagging, the appeal of another woman telling him that he’s doing something right is virtually irresistible.

Often times the ‘other women’ aren’t any better looking the partners of the men who cheat. These men aren’t with them for looks alone. They’re with them because they feed their egos. A man yearns to be praised by his woman, to sense and feel her admiration for him: so much so that he’ll chase the feeling – straight into another woman’s arms.

Reason #3 – He’s Not Built For Monogamy

Maybe I’m biased, but I don’t believe monogamy is natural for everyone. It certainly isn’t for me, though I do follow my own personalized version of it, and since opening up my relationship I’ve met many men who feel the same way. They love their partners deeply, but want to experience sex with many other people. Since non-monogamy is still not widely accepted by society, these men often have difficulty broaching the topic with their mates. The brave few who do raise the subject are usually shut down by wives or girlfriends, who are adamantly against it. So, many men who love their partners, don’t want to lose them, and also long to experience sex with others, find themselves stuck with only one option – cheating. The men who take this route aren’t necessarily falling out of love with their partners. They’re just selfish, scared and/or unwilling to disrupt their family lives.

Reason #4 – He’s a Little Kinky

Some men like to have a kinky secret that is set apart from their relationship – something their partners know nothing about. These men may have tried to share their kinky side with their SOs only to find that their female partners don’t want to be choked or see them wearing a collar and a leash.  But if a man’s kinky habit is a big part of who he is, he’ll have trouble denying it. For men like this, cheating will always appear to be the best option.

Reason # 5 – Cheating Is The Norm

Despite the fact that cheating is wrong and there’s isn’t really any good excuse for it, it really is the norm. We humans have been cheating since time immemorial. Also, with the media constantly bombarding us with celebrity sex scandals and tales of infidelity, I think many of us are starting to expect it. Few of these reports tackle the reasons why people cheat. Instead they spin something like Tiger Woods’ philandering into a sex addiction – one he can’t control without help – and avoid discussing the lack of honest communication or the weak emotional connection he probably faced in his marriage. Furthermore, the fact that in 2010 it’s still more acceptable to admit to being a cheater than to say you’re in a healthy and happy polyamorous/swinging relationship, is proof that infidelity is more accepted by society than we’d like to admit.

Sadly, if we ALL don’t make an effort to improve the way we communicate and behave in our relationships, people will continue to cheat and hurt the ones they love the most. We ALL need to take responsibility for opening up to our partners about what we’re really feeling. So, be honest with yourself and your mate about what you need to make your relationship work for you, and why you think you’re not getting it at home.

Read the post on the Met Another Frog site by clicking here.

I listened to some Rachel Yamagata because yes, the movie Leap Year made me feel sappy and I felt like continuing the sap because at my core I’m a super lame-ass.

The above sentence is irrelevant.

About one stop after . . . → Read More: Really?]]> Tonight on the subway after my good friend Catherine got off at her stop I put my headphones on.

I listened to some Rachel Yamagata because yes, the movie Leap Year made me feel sappy and I felt like continuing the sap because at my core I’m a super lame-ass.

The above sentence is irrelevant.

About one stop after we said our goodbyes, the man lurking in the corner, staring at me was suddenly sitting right next to me, breathing boozy breath directly in my face.

Slowly he took out his headphones. I assumed I had to follow suit, so I did.

Then he asked me “How you doin’?”

I replied. “Um, I’m ok, but I kinda’ feel like sitting by myself. So I’m going to go over there. (pointing)”

“Oh, really?”

“Um, yeah. Bye.”

Is it just me folks, or are you also tired of dealing with these “pick-ups”. I don’t care if it’s online or in person but ‘How you’ doin’?” … Really? Reeeeaaaaally???

… try fucking harder.

Actually, stop trying. Trying harder won’t get you anywhere so there is really no point.

I know where it’s going when you’re sitting there staring. I know that look in your eyes when you’re looking at me like I’m sex on legs and thinking you’re going to score. It’s not a compliment. Really it’s not. It’s a creepiment. Yes, creepiment. I’m sticking with that. Now fuck off.

And no, it’s not that the guy was bad looking. He actually was alright. Not my type, but certainly not “ugly”. But it goes to show. If anyone does something like that, they’re instantly ugly to me.

Sheesh.

When I get a message like this, it makes me angry but in an amused way. It’s clearly coming from a man who doesn’t get it. He hasn’t read my profile, he’s not interested in knowing anything about me. He is a serial copy paster. He’s . . . → Read More: Apple C, Apple P]]> This might make me an asshole … but I don’t care.

When I get a message like this, it makes me angry but in an amused way. It’s clearly coming from a man who doesn’t get it. He hasn’t read my profile, he’s not interested in knowing anything about me. He is a serial copy paster. He’s living in a Fabio inspired, trashy romance novel world with no interest in who I am, my relationship situation and especially the fact that I’m not really dating any other men right now. I’m quite enthralled with the ones I’ve got.

How do I know? Because he has copy pasted me before. And I’ve received messages from friends saying that he has sent the EXACT same message both times. Wow.

Last time I ignored him. This time I told him in no uncertain terms that he’s an idiot.

See for yourself. And feel free to flag the douche. He’s kafka47ca on okcupid.com.

He's all yours, ladies

Some time has passed since I enquired if you would contemplate being the Other woman in a man’s life. This would be a commitment to a long term relationship, although, not within the definitions a site such as this operates upon.

As you have not replied, I can only conclude that you are still pondering the issue…

Consider for a moment the advantages that such a relationship offers to you: commitment without containment; uninhibited and free love with no messy strings; someone who exclusively desires you; torrent of passionate embraces on your terms; your independence is assured yet we would certainly be intertwined on an intimate and emotional basis.

Yes, against it stands the fairy tale ideal of marriage. Nonetheless, as the divorce rate readily shows, modern relationships are fraying even under the best of circumstances. Having put my heart into one such imaginary relationship, I would caution anyone that love and modern relationships are a constant challenge and work, of which, I no longer can partake in with someone intent at demolishing the foundations of the said relationship on a semi-regular basis because of some egotistical whim or narcissistic action.

What then I am asking of you? To partake in: boundless love; providing comfort – something as simple as stroking one’s brow; partaking in common interests and sharing stories of the things that enchant life and make it beautiful; offering tenderness, compassion and affection; empathy and respect.

Are you feeling this is something that you would like to try?

Hell no! This was more of an icky business proposal than romantic seduction.