Not Your Mothers Playground» Double standards

I Ain’t No Poster Child

samantha — Mon, 19 Dec 2011 19:19:28 +0000

When I first started this blog I never wanted to be a poster child for non-monogamy. Sure, I’ve enjoyed what limited “fame” I’ve achieved (if you can call it that), but I don’t aspire to be the go to person when the media needs someone to talk to. That being said, I’m always happy to share my experiences – expecting, and somewhat demanding that people take them with a grain of salt. I was more than happy to oblige when David Paterson from The Grid wanted to come to my sexuality conference in November called Playground. The fact that anyone from a media outlet was interested in what I had created, well that had me pretty chuffed.

David mentioned to me at some point before or after my Playground Non-Monogamy 101 workshop that he would be interested in doing a piece on non-monogamy where I would be featured. I’ve said yes to similar pieces in the past and had a great feeling about both him and the girl who called me a few days after my initial interview to “fact check”.

That article can be found here. To be honest, the only issue that I have with it is that it seems to focus on the fact that – a few months into non-monogamy I struggled extra with the little details – like the visual cue of my husband’s date’s wine glass being left behind in my kitchen. When we were relatively fresh other people fuckers, silly shit like that was hard to handle. So I share those stories with other people because those are the things that threw me for a loop back in the day. A few commenters on the article have latched onto the wine glass story, suggesting that if I’m not comfortable with that then I must not really be happy with non-monogamy at all.

And this is a mild challenge I always see that, for the most part, I ignore. There are a lot of assumptions out there about open relationships. First of all, people will often react strongly when they hear someone is in one. “Isn’t that hard? What about jealousy? What if you fall in love?”. On the flip side however, if I suggest mySELF that non-monogamy is hard and that sometimes those questions can have really tough answers, then I obviously must not be happy with it. It’s not a practice that we should continue if there’s any hint that it’s sometimes challenging to have your partner fuck someone else and not you.

*blink* #sarcasm

I find this attitude so ridiculous which is why I will constantly strive to be honest when discussing open relationships. I would make a terrible happy poster child because I don’t just talk about the good on this site (and at my workshops), I also talk about the bad, and the ugly. Maybe I need to talk more about the good, which is a fair point. It’s always so much easier to talk about something challenging that we learned from instead of something easy that we just breezed right through. However in the interest of clarity, I will list a few points here that maybe I haven’t said in some time.

Just as all of our time together has evolved – as we’ve gotten older / had new experiences / grown closer – so has the non-monogamous side to our marriage. There are many things that are much easier to deal with now – 5 years in, but were very definitely challenging at first – like the wine glass example from The Grid article.
Non-monogamy ISN’T always easy. Whether you’re in it as a swinger or poly, it requires a lot of you and a lot of your partner and can be very challenging. Denying that it’s tough sometimes would be doing a disservice to anyone that was thinking of trying it.
Fucking other people isn’t the only benefit to being open, which is something I try to stress all the time. It’s certainly a huge one, but there are countless other personal benefits on top of sexy fun.
Acknowledging the desire to be selfish and do things for yourself is healthy. It’s how you choose to handle those feelings that dictate whether or not you are an asshole. I recently went out and splurged some money on new (needed) clothes and a hair-do because I wanted it for me. It’s not that I didn’t want something good for Steph as well – he’s free to shop all he likes! – but this didn’t concern him as I am my own person, with my own needs.
While I certainly don’t think that we were headed down a path to divorce (at the time of opening up), I feel 100% certain that opening up our marriage was the best thing for our future as it has brought us more self-awareness, more confidence and more understanding of each other.
Steph and I are more in love with one another, each and every day. As we grow and experience life together, our bond is constantly growing.
I was never a “forever” person and now – as I see what a strong “team” we are – I am much more that way inclined.
I admit it and I KNOW it’s hypocritical, but it is much easier for me to be with other people than it is for me when Steph is. Does me admitting that it’s sometimes difficult mean that I can’t be ok with it happening? Of course not. Compromise / happiness and unconditional love are things that matter very much to me and I will work through my issues because they are just that – my issues. Sometimes you’ll read about them here too. That’s kinda’ the point of this blog. You know, the diary-esque site you’re reading right now that has my feelings in it.
Despite other people’s objections that Steph and I are stomping all over the “traditional definition” of marriage, blah blah blah … we feel, deep down, that we are very, very married. We still make all of our household decisions together. We travel together. We support each other when we’re sick. We buy groceries at one of the local stores whose name he always forgets. We share many bills. We get into married sex ruts. We burp and fart around each other. We take our cats to the vet. We hang out with our friends, separately and as a couple. Many of them are hetero normative, living “normal”, traditional, happy lives, and some are queer and challenging social norms because it makes them happy to do so. And sometimes we hang out with our friends that we sleep with.
Being open has certainly brought us a little heartache over the years; me more so than him because I tend to get more involved with people emotionally, but he is right there beside me as it happens.
Being open has also brought us more love. We have a bond between us that no one can break. We have people in our life that we likely would not have met without this lifestyle that we love like family and I can’t imagine not having around.

I don’t fool myself into thinking for one minute that the people that think we are awful, horrible, delusional, promiscuous heathens will ever understand. For those that feel offended by our lifestyle choices I am sorry. Not to you, but for you for having to worry about something that doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of YOUR time on this planet. For those that expect open relationships to be sunshine, light and orgies, I wish you good luck. I will be over here, hugging my husband, wishing the world love and cleaning up my wine glasses because we are fine and happy together knowing how important silly little details can be.

On Rob Ford and Fat Shaming. An Easy Joke or a Symptom of Something More?

samantha — Sun, 11 Dec 2011 20:53:46 +0000

A simple Facebook status conversation has inspired me to write this post because my brain is now buzzing with thoughts on how the media talks about fat people.

It was innocent enough. An article in the Toronto Star – known obviously as being the mortal media enemy of Toronto mayor Rob Ford – talking about his recent performance in the National Ballet’s “The Nutcracker.” While there were a few vague political points mixed into the article, the general tone was light hearted, easy and jovial. No matter your thoughts on his politics, how can you not feel at least slightly amused when you see this amazing photo?

: Keith Beaty/Toronto Star

What made me pause while reading the article was the below phrase; discussing Ford’s appearance with Ward 35 Councillor/Executive Committee member Michelle Berardinetti;

The pair, costumed in colourful Russian Petrouchka doll outfits — the National Ballet stocks a variety of sizes — escorted the cannon that initiates the battle scene.

Now sure, you can say that I’m being sensitive – and maybe I am, but I think this was unnecessary writing on the part of the Star’s reporter, Michael Crabb. We can SEE in the photo that the Ballet had a costume for Mayor Ford. We all KNOW he’s fat and maybe were even wondering to ourselves if there would be an appropriately sized costume for him to fit into, but was it necessary to actually tell us that they stock them in a variety of sizes?

What this tiny, seemingly innocent string of words does is simply perpetuate fat-shaming. And it’s something that happens to Rob Ford all the time.

Before I continue, I must stress that I cannot stand Rob Ford. As a person, his morals and ethics do not match up with what I see as likeable qualities. His politics make me sick. I personally consider him to be a liar and a disgrace to this city. He’s done more harm than I think any of us who actually expected a lot of harm from him can even imagine. I want him to go far, far away and I think he’s an buffoon. I don’t agree with some of the commenters in the original article saying that the author should have let it remain simply a “Spirit of the Season” piece and left the politics out of it. He’s a politician. Politics will never get left out of it and I don’t think that they should, really.

However, he’s also obviously a fat guy and it’s easy for us to poke fun at that. Especially when we also think the person in question is an idiot. Fat and idiot go hand in hand it seems and Rob Ford’s jack-ass behaviour makes that easier for us to jump on. Mr. Crabb decided to point out that the ballet had a costume to fit him because obviously we the people must have been wondering how they would deal with the fat bastard once he got backstage. I’m sure he didn’t mean any harm by those few words; but their existence point to a symptom of something that is very wrong with our culture.

Not only is the constant pointing out of Rob Ford’s weight lazy and unnecessary, but it’s harmful for two other reasons. The first is that it’s diluting the messages. It’s easier for us to poke fun at someone’s weight quickly vs. writing out a thought-provoking letter to local government protesting policies or changes we disagree with as citizens. We can put all our anger into pointing out how his head is sweaty because it’s a quick dig that makes us feel better – because underneath, we think he’s an idiot. Second, it’s sending a tragic message to society when we allow the media to constantly poke fun of his, or any other person’s weight.

We’re allowing it to be ok to make fun of Rob Ford for being a fatty because we hate him for his stupid political moves. Therefore, we’re perpetuating the stereotype that fat (often) = idiot. And what does that then do? Well it teaches people, including children, that as long as someone is – or you think they are – not very smart, then it’s ok to make fun of them for their appearance. Their intellectual “wrongdoings” obviously give you a free pass to mock how they look.

Do I want to make fun of Rob Ford for being a fat bastard? I can’t deny that I do because it’s just SO easy. Did I enjoy the meme of him kicking a football being turned into other things that made the rounds lately? I can’t deny that I did. The meme, however, is a hilarious picture being turned into more hilarity. To me, it’s just as ridiculous as Tom Selleck Waterfall Sandwich; not funny because he’s fat; just funny because of his pose, fat or not.

Ridiculousness can be funny. Just like this is funny. (Click the picture for more.)

If it’s ok to make fun of Rob Ford’s weight because he’s an idiot, then it must be ok to make fun of some dumb fraternity bimbo for being promiscuous. Her ditzy nature and short skirt and tiny top must make it ok to laugh at her / shame her for being slutty, right? Too harsh? Well maybe as a person that has struggled with weight my entire life and has seen countless other people get judged strictly on their appearance before they’re even given a change to show off their intelligence, I see fat-shaming as equally harmful.

We all need to be responsible for this and we need to stand up to the media if we see fat shaming being perpetuated. I don’t care if it’s idiot jack-ass Rob Ford being mocked for being a fat slob or Random Overweight Person of Interest B. By not making a clear distinction between disagreeing with someone because of their policies and hating them because they’re fat (and also disagreeing with their policies) we’re teaching our children that it’s ok to mock someone you dislike using their appearance as the target, rather than challenging the real issues underneath the XXL suit.

Guest Post: Sex Negativity & Skyrim

samantha — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 15:37:11 +0000

Recently a conversation with my friend, Bobby Arthur, about video games, specifically Skyrim, and slut-shaming caused me to request he write a full guest post for you, here. Below is that post which I am excited to share on NYMP. I hope it causes you to take pause and think about the influence of media when it comes to female sexuality.

Odds are there is someone in your life who is spending their evenings slaying Dragons and amassing treasure in the most played game of 2011, Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim. Skyrim is an open world role playing game (RPG) created by Bethesda Softworks and is set in a fictional, mostly medieval, swords and sorcery land called, Tamriel. It is a game where I expected to be killing and looting, but never expected to be slut-shaming.

In the game players are able to create an avatar for themselves, choosing a race, a gender, a name, many physical characteristics and a style of play. Will you be a warrior, a thief, a wizard or some hybrid? The nuance in the game comes from having the player face moral dilemmas along the way. Through these myriad choices the player’s avatar takes on its spiritual form. Will you be a righteous defender of justice? Will you be a mercenary for hire? Will you be a healer or will you practice blood magic? Will you steal all of the gold or just most of the gold? During my playthrough I have robbed just about everyone blind and I have murdered in cold blood. By my current statistics, the game tells me that I have killed 1081 people and about 1300 other various zombies, animals, robots and demons (most of whom I have stabbed in the back). I have stolen 2498 items, including 1659 straight from my victim’s pockets. So why did I take such umbrage at being asked to slut-shame a woman in her own home?

In a town called Riften we can rummage around a place called Haelga’s Bunkhouse. Haelga runs a dormitory for the blue-collar workers of Riften along with her Niece, Svana. Speaking with Svana will open up a miscellaneous quest that knocked me out of the fantasy world of Tamriel. It brought me back into a world where at least one in four western women will be sexually assaulted in their lifetimes and where women’s clothing choices are brought forth as justification by authority figures for random sexual attacks; where girls in schools everywhere are ostracized for their choice to become sexual beings or even just the rumour that they have. I don’t like this world. This world makes women ashamed of their bodies and afraid to express themselves sexually and freely. I hated that my fantasy gaming was colliding with such ugly reality.

Svana was orphaned and her Aunt Haelga took her in. Svana is an adult and cleans to pay her room and board. Seems like a fair deal to me, but Svana has other ideas about that.

“Work? I suppose you can call it that. I call it slavery. I work my fingers to the bone keeping this disgusting place clean.

Ever since my parents died and Haelga took me in it’s been a nightmare. How was I to know she was such a wretched woman?”

And what is it that makes Haelga so “Wretched”?

“It’s not just the work. It’s everything about her. She’s disgusting. I think she takes her worship of Dibella a bit too seriously. Do you know she slept with three different men in the last month alone? What kind of woman would do such a thing? Just for once I’d like to see her squirm…to rub her nose in it.”

Yes, rub her nose in it. Like you might a dog that has ruined your rug. This is an unattached woman having consensual and spiritual sex in her own home. For reference, Dibella is the in-game deity of love, and sex to her followers is a religious observance. So, what are my dialogue choices for responding to this diatribe?

“There must be a way.”

One choice. In a game full of choices, I can either go along with this or walk away. At no point am I given the option to talk her out of this – to say “hey, maybe you’re being a little hard on the woman that took you in after your parents were murdered.” Or, “it’s none of your business what she does in her bedroom.” Or, “do you think she’d be open to a fourth lover this month?” No, the only option is an enthusiastic “Ya, let’s teach that whore a lesson.” And from a gameplay standpoint, such a response is not in character with the hero I’ve created, but no alternative choice was given.

Svana continues.

“Actually, there is. But I don’t think I could get away with doing it. She’d kill me if she found out. You see, after she makes love she gives her partner a token of her affection called a Mark of Dibella. If you confront her with three of the Marks, she’d be so embarrassed… well, I don’t know what she’d do.”

At this stage I can tell Svana, “Sure. I’ll help you” or “Maybe another time.” Such a polarity of choices. So, off I am sent to retrieve these baubles of shame from the three men. On my way though, I can enjoy some of the contextual flavour that the game designers provided for this quest. I can visit Haelga’s bedroom where a pot of honey and potions of stamina rest on shelves. Her nightstand includes two erotic novels. Her bed has working shackles and underneath we find an animal tusk and leather strips i.e. a dildo and whip. The message here presumably is that Haelga enjoys a kinky sexual lifestyle and is therefore even more worthy of degradation than your average sexually active woman. Under the other side of the bed are some gold coins. A suggestion that Haelga is compensated for her abilities? Additionally we can read a love letter addressed to Haelga from one of her paramours.

“Sweet Haelga,

Last night was the most wonderful night of my life. The things you showed me…the things we did… I could never have dreamt that it was possible. Who even knew that someone could manipulate their body in that manner while wearing Daedric Armor boots? You are a true master of the Dibellan arts, my love… a credit to your religion. Perhaps we’ll meet again soon but next time allow me to bring the trout.

Your secret lover.”

Poor joke aside, everybody seems happy. Time to destroy that, I guess. Makes sense. The three men offer little resistance. One gives me some righteous indignation, one feigns ignorance and one pleads for discretion. You see, he’s married. I wonder, why am I not rubbing HIS face in it? With little effort on my part these three gentlemen sell Haelga out and give me the Marks. After confronting Haelga with the evidence of her rampant sluttiness we are given this response.

“What? How?…Where did you get these? No. Don’t tell me. Look, we need to keep this quiet…between you and me, okay? No one else needs to know about it. If word got out that I was practicing my Dibellan arts in Riften, they’ll run me out of town. Here, take this and don’t mention a word of this to anyone, especially, Svana!”

Still protecting her ungrateful niece after all this time. Svana however, is positively tickled at her aunt’s shaming.

“Isn’t it wonderful? I bet she was squirming like a skeever when you pulled them out of your pocket. I think things are going to be a lot different around here from now on and I have you to thank for it.”

Well, that’s one less brazen hussy terrorizing the penises of poor Tamriel. Such a noble endeavour. I think my problem with this quest was the lack of any kind of moral spectrum. She was either a wanton whore and therefore in need of punishment or I could just choose to not do the quest. There was never a time when I could side with Haelga. Haelga’s lifestyle was never to be considered positive. Some people may say, why make such a big deal about this? It’s just a throwaway quest in a massive game where you are able to commit atrocities against your fellow man and woman. This is true, but it’s small things like this that are so pervasive and surprisingly influential.

We all know that killing is wrong. We all know that theft is wrong. We all know that raising the dead is wrong (and unlikely). There are way too many of us however that do not know that slut-shaming is wrong and continue to use it as emotional blackmail or worse, an excuse for violence. By denying the player the option to be sex-positive it perpetuates the problem. Bethesda really missed an opportunity to not necessarily take a stand, but to let the player at least make that choice. Because choice is what RPGs are supposed to be about.

_______________________________________________________________
Bobby Arthur is a freelance writer and marketing communications professional living in Toronto. He can be reached at bobby@thejuiceagency.ca and his XBLA Gamertag is WhiskerRub.

APPENDIX: FULL DIALOGUE

Svana: Work? I suppose you can call it that. I call it slavery. I work my fingers to the bone keeping this disgusting place clean.

Ever since my parents died and Haelga took me in it’s been a nightmare. How was I to know she was such a wretched woman? So now I’m stuck living here while those pigs she calls customers grope me and say the most awful things.

You: Why do you hate Haelga so much?

Svana: It’s not just the work. It’s everything about her. She’s disgusting. I think she takes her worship of Dibella a bit too seriously. Do you know she slept with three different men in the last month alone? What kind of woman would do such a thing? Just for once I’d like to see her squirm…to rub her nose in it.

You: There must be a way.

Svana: Actually, there is. But I don’t think I could get away with doing it. She’d kill me if she found out. You see, after she makes love she gives her partner a token of her affection called a Mark of Dibella. If you confront her with three of the Marks, she’d be so embarrassed… well, I don’t know what she’d do.

You: Sure. I’ll help you. OR Maybe another time.

Svana: Oh, this is going to be great! You need to get the Marks of Dibella from Bolli, Hofgrir and Indalyn. Not sure how you’re going to do that, but try your best. Then just confront Haelga with them and the rest works itself out. Try and get those Marks without violence please. I don’t want to be responsible for their deaths…or yours.

AFTER RETURNING WITH THE MARKS

Haelga: Can I help you?
You: I believe these are yours.

Haelga: What? How?…Where did you get these? No. Don’t tell me. Look, we need to keep this quiet…between you and me, okay? No one else needs to know about it. If word got out that I was practicing my Dibellan arts in Riften, they’ll run me out of town. Here, take this and don’t mention a word of this to anyone, especially, Svana!

AFTER CONFRONTING HAELGA

You: I gave the Marks to Haelga

Svana: Oh I know. Isn’t it wonderful? I bet she was squirming like a skeever when you pulled them out of your pocket. I think things are going to be a lot different around here from now on and I have you to thank for it. Here, I want you to have this. It was my Father’s but I’m certain you’ll put it to good use.

I’m Here. I’m … ?

samantha — Sat, 09 Apr 2011 03:23:20 +0000

“I don’t care which way you swing, Samantha, as long as you’re honest.”

I will always remember my mum telling me those words in our kitchen when I was about 15. I don’t think we were talking about anything serious at the time but for some reason I held onto that knowledge – that my mum would love me no matter what – because I must have known that my sexual identity would play a major role in my life in the years that followed.

I have talked before about how I don’t like labels and believe they belong solely on soup cans, and I suppose other grocery store items if you insist, but this post speaks to my recent discoveries and realizations about labels and identifying not only myself, but others.

For the past however long I have told myself I am bisexual, if I had to fit into a category. But really I’ve never been completely comfortable with that identity. I’d rather say that I’m a 2.78 Kinsey, meaning that I can have relationships with women, as well as men, but they likely need to be open because there’s .12 of me that just loves cock too much to be monogamous. That – and I’m built for non-monogamy anyway.

Bisexuals get a lot of flack though which is why I haven’t been comfortable with it always, especially as a non-monogamer (yes, I just said that). Not only can she not decide between girls and boys, but she gets to be with ALL of them, how DARE she!

Frankly, attitudes like that have to stop. We need to stop hating on others because of how they choose to identify – or not identify – themselves. Bisexuals get flack as well for reinforcing the binary that there are only two genders, but that’s not fair either. One could say the same of the straight and gay communities, that by choosing “one or the other” that they aren’t including all of the other delightful genders that make up the spectrum of human sexuality. And not everyone that is bisexual is only about being with cisgendered people. While the opportunity has not come up for me, I’m pretty sure that I wouldn’t have an issue being with someone whose bits and pieces didn’t match their perceived gender identity. It might be tough as first, but not for any reasons of prejudice, simply because it would be something new that I have not yet experienced.

As long as people are sexy, cool, giving and awesome … I could care less what’s going on between their legs. Including an obvious sexual attraction, it’s what’s between their ears that matters to me.

I understand how “bisexual” doesn’t really seem to be the right choice of words to express this viewpoint and this past weekend, while speaking / attending the first edition of Momentum in Washington, DC, my views on the word “queer” started to change.

To start with, my travel companion identified herself more as queer than bisexual which threw me for a loop. Perhaps it’s a matter of ignorance or lack of exposure – though often they are one and the same – but when I’ve heard the word QUEER in the past, I have always associated it with LGT but never B. I felt like being bisexual was already being viewed as taking too many liberties and attempting to claim a queer identity wasn’t my place. Nor do I think I ever wanted it to be. The word queer often brings up thoughts of activism, fighting for equality, theory and politics. It has never clicked in my brain as an umbrella I can stand underneath.

And then I spent the weekend surrounded by a community of people that exuded their sexuality at every turn. I spent more than a few minutes in public with a beautiful girl and felt no qualms about showing my affection for her in public, surrounded by a fantastic array of awesome and supportive people.

It was unnatural how natural it all felt.

Eventually it hit me that while at home I feel quite straight and married, out with her I can feel totally bi and with others there are various degrees of – let’s say – Kinseyness that I experience depending on the relationship. Outside of being a fan of people, genitals and connecting, my identity fluctuates with every relationship I take part in but they all fall under one, beautiful queer umbrella.

I can be femme and be queer. I can be an activist for the mainstream that wants to feel comfortable entering communities that can seem terrifying and be queer. I can eat vagina and I can eat dick and I can be queer. I can have sex with myself or with five people at once and be queer. I can wear a wedding ring or rope and … you get the idea.

On the way home from Washington on Monday I confessed that I was worried telling my husband that I’m queer. I thought he’d feel like I left him for the weekend, had all sorts of sexcapades, and was leaving him for a hot butch. Was this a coming out fear that I was having and if so, what caused it? I think the answers are yes and again, ignorance. He didn’t seem to be phased by my new identity as the parts that made it up are still the same as they have been: People, check. Genitals, check. Bingo bango.

When I was talking to a student of mine yesterday, telling him that I was queer, he replied with “Of course you are, duh.” like I was a dummy for not being aware. I couldn’t deny that his answer surprised me, but upon further reflection … I’ve just never really thought about it and he was right to react that way.

Now do I feel the need to walk up to people and say “Hey, I’m Samantha and I’m queer.”? (outside of writing this blog post) Of course not. I won’t deny the privilege that I get to live, living a hetero “normal” life on the surface, and I certainly wouldn’t want to take away from anyone else’s long term battles for equality and fair treatment but on the flipside I have had my own internal struggles making the “in public” transition from straight and married to “Hey I like fucking chicks and dicks, maybe chicks with dicks? I can’t say one way or the other.”

Everyone deserves to love and be loved however they want and with whomever they want and I hope that there’s some room for me under this umbrella because I’m here. I think I’m queer. Now I just have to get used to it.

Thanks for reading,
Samantha xo

Further Reading: Bisexuality does not reinforce the gender binary.

Join us in Toronto this November 5 and 6 for Playground, taking a multi-faceted look at sexuality and relationships. Early bird tickets are on sale now and speaker submissions are still being accepted!

I Can Haz Crush?

samantha — Fri, 29 Oct 2010 14:43:32 +0000

No really, can I? Well, it turns out I totally do. And not just on the amazingly dreamy Alex O’Loughlin from Hawaii 5.0, although he is still in the running for top daydream fodder spot in my brain by the way.

Um, hi ... have you seen this man?? Nom nom nom.

Actually, my crush is a guy I met on okC, though have not met in person yet. (Save that for next week.) It feels very strange to have a man crush again and I have been fighting with a little bit of guilt over it.

You may be wondering why? Well it’s a little complicated. For the past, almost two years, I have been dating Don. Besides Steph, and very rarely Harvey, he was the only other guy in my life. I was always hoping for more alone time with him so then when he had to leave the country for work on a few occasions I made sure that as many moments that I could make myself available upon his return, I did. In doing so, nobody else occupied my thoughts, except briefly a couple of girls. Even though I had been “dating??” Harvey for a few years, I still felt guilty when I was with him.

It’s weird, I know, but with intense feelings and conditions as they were, that’s what happened. Don said it recently that I have always been at the mercy of his schedule, and it’s true and is likely how it will probably continue. I would rather see someone I care about than not, so if I have to adjust my calendar to fit them in, well so be it. Life has gotten ridiculously busy in the past six months for everyone so that has definitely taken its toll as well.

Move forward to recently and you’ll get Don and I going through a very rough patch. Specifics aren’t needed but I was ready to walk away on a few occasions and it completely tore me up inside. Finally one day I realized that I had to start doing things for myself and stop being such a slave to the calendar and a new sense of self started to emerge. I’m happy to say that Don and I are ok again, in fact definitely better than we were, but man did we have to go through a lot of mud to get here.

This is the first October in two years that I haven’t been working at a job with a conference being planned right at the end of it. It’s letting me go apeshit for planning my Halloween party but also reminding me of how much I love fall / winter for my dating life. Which is why when Crush, or Keith as we’re calling him, sent me a message on okC I decided to respond. It wasn’t that memorable of a message, mainly a comment on him reading my blog and thanking me, which I get from someone new at least every few days, but there was something about him. Now a week later, he’s a bonafide crush and we’ve spent plenty of time chatting online and getting to know one another. And in this past week I have been dealing with strange guilt and worry that I will hurt Don’s feelings. Practicing what I preach is sometimes very difficult, but here’s what I know:

Each outside relationship I have is not, and should not be affected by another.
Nothing has changed for Don and I. He is still so important to me.
I have always been nervous to hear from him that he’s dating somebody else as well, mainly due to our time constraints. Dating someone that’s already got other people on the go is much easier than dating someone that doesn’t, that then adds them. Weird, huh?
We’ve talked about this and he knows that my schedule is more flexible than is.
He encourages me to date others, but often does it when things are rough between us so it makes it a bit tougher for me to do so without the fear that he’s subconsciously trying to push me away because he feels guilty.
I like the community aspect of dating multiple people and hope that this will happen here.
I am strangely monogamous with my non-monogamous relationships
I like Keith a lot and am looking forward to getting to know him.

This post probably reads a lot like I am justifying it to myself and really it has to be like that. When you spend a long time letting your heart lead you down one path, facts are the only thing that you can help navigate a new one.

Let’s just hope that no one is too … crushed.

(Oh come on, I couldn’t resist that!)

Men Only Cheat When…

samantha — Fri, 26 Mar 2010 16:39:43 +0000

Recently I was asked to write a guest blog post for Met Another Frog, about the myths behind men cheating.

Met Another Frog is geared to urban women and offers stories, social commentary and ‘edutainment’ about:

dating and relationships
love
sex
achieving personal satisfaction on one’s own terms

My challenge? Explain the myths behind men cheating.

Read on, and let me know what you think.

Men only cheat when they’re unhappy partners, or with women who are better looking than you.

What you just read, is a partial myth. It’s an easy one to live with as the reasons are so easy to understand and therefore ignore. Not happy? Then of course he’ll stray. Better looking than you? Well honey, you just never stood a chance. Don’t blame yourself.

The fact is that men cheat for many other reasons, and today, I’m going to shed some light on the issue by breaking some of them down for you. Why am I qualified? Well I’ve been in an open relationship for three and a half years and for almost three of those I’ve had an “undefinable” relationship with a married man. He loves his wife dearly, and despite the unforgivable lies and deceit, he’s a very caring and respectable husband. It can happen.

Reason #1 – He Feels Ignored

I believe that a large percentage of everything that men do is guided by ego; not to say that’s a bad thing. Society grows our men up with the idea that they need to be tough and ready to handle anything; but when it comes to relationships – personal or business – men can be as sensitive as us girls. If a man feels he’s being ignored and another woman gives him a little attention; it’s a hard thing to resist. You might think that this is the same as being unhappy, but I believe that because there are so many layers to the word “unhappy”, we shouldn’t use it as a blanket statement.

Reason #2 – “I’m Proud Of You”

Without proper care a long-term relationship can sometimes wear a man down. Years of “Can you take out the garbage?”, “Did you pick up the milk?” and “I have a headache” can easily lead to two partners living as roommates, without much of a romantic connection. When all a man hears from his SO is nagging, nagging, and wait for it ladies…still more nagging, the appeal of another woman telling him that he’s doing something right is virtually irresistible.

Often times the ‘other women’ aren’t any better looking the partners of the men who cheat. These men aren’t with them for looks alone. They’re with them because they feed their egos. A man yearns to be praised by his woman, to sense and feel her admiration for him: so much so that he’ll chase the feeling – straight into another woman’s arms.

Reason #3 – He’s Not Built For Monogamy

Maybe I’m biased, but I don’t believe monogamy is natural for everyone. It certainly isn’t for me, though I do follow my own personalized version of it, and since opening up my relationship I’ve met many men who feel the same way. They love their partners deeply, but want to experience sex with many other people. Since non-monogamy is still not widely accepted by society, these men often have difficulty broaching the topic with their mates. The brave few who do raise the subject are usually shut down by wives or girlfriends, who are adamantly against it. So, many men who love their partners, don’t want to lose them, and also long to experience sex with others, find themselves stuck with only one option – cheating. The men who take this route aren’t necessarily falling out of love with their partners. They’re just selfish, scared and/or unwilling to disrupt their family lives.

Reason #4 – He’s a Little Kinky

Some men like to have a kinky secret that is set apart from their relationship – something their partners know nothing about. These men may have tried to share their kinky side with their SOs only to find that their female partners don’t want to be choked or see them wearing a collar and a leash. But if a man’s kinky habit is a big part of who he is, he’ll have trouble denying it. For men like this, cheating will always appear to be the best option.

Reason # 5 – Cheating Is The Norm

Despite the fact that cheating is wrong and there’s isn’t really any good excuse for it, it really is the norm. We humans have been cheating since time immemorial. Also, with the media constantly bombarding us with celebrity sex scandals and tales of infidelity, I think many of us are starting to expect it. Few of these reports tackle the reasons why people cheat. Instead they spin something like Tiger Woods’ philandering into a sex addiction – one he can’t control without help – and avoid discussing the lack of honest communication or the weak emotional connection he probably faced in his marriage. Furthermore, the fact that in 2010 it’s still more acceptable to admit to being a cheater than to say you’re in a healthy and happy polyamorous/swinging relationship, is proof that infidelity is more accepted by society than we’d like to admit.

Sadly, if we ALL don’t make an effort to improve the way we communicate and behave in our relationships, people will continue to cheat and hurt the ones they love the most. We ALL need to take responsibility for opening up to our partners about what we’re really feeling. So, be honest with yourself and your mate about what you need to make your relationship work for you, and why you think you’re not getting it at home.

Read the post on the Met Another Frog site by clicking here.

Realization: My own practical demons

samantha — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 15:06:40 +0000

Since writing the post ‘Realizations: I Just Wanna’ Have Fun’ I’ve realized something. Where Steph has often cited cost and practicality for reasons that we don’t try new things, events, places, etc. … I’ve always – in my own mind – cited the need for sleep as a reason not to fuck.

And as much as I love getting some real sleep, especially since I often have so much trouble getting it, that’s just a dumb way to be says I.

I’d happily stay up all night with Kitty, Don or Betty, Don AND Betty as we’ve done before in the past, and then the next day be exhausted and in pain but oh boy am I happy! That should occasionally trickle over into my marriage, shouldn’t it?? Sure it won’t happen all the time and we will occasionally cite the need to sleep as a reason to wait because, well fuck … we’re married, not newlyweds, but the grand hammer of “Go to sleep, you can always fuck tomorrow.” needs to put itself back in the shed occasionally and let us go ahead and get the fuck on.

Like the other day when we didn’t get home until around 2:15 but didn’t go to sleep until 3:30. We may have been sleepy the next day but it was definitely worth it.

In conclusion; a message for Practicality. Go find another house to bore … sometimes.

Realizations – I just wanna' have fun

samantha — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 02:27:15 +0000

I have a personal rule that I try to follow as much as possible. I don’t like to blog when I’m angry or emotional. I know I’ve done it in the past, but I highly prefer not because then I hit you folks with emotional diarrhea and I embarrass myself on the off chance that I come back and read over what I’ve posted.

But … today sucked. And I can’t hide the fact that it sucked, and I’m having trouble saying any words out loud. I’ve barely said anything all day but I firmly believe that I still have a quota of sentences that I have to release so typing is how they’re coming out today.

It’s Friday the 13th and the day started off pretty dumb, but then just got progressively worse. I’m feeling really lost and dumb as a post at work lately, making fuck ups left and right and not grasping concepts with work I’ve never done, but still … I should be able to grasp. I know it’s a means to an end, but I’m letting it effect me substantially and it’s hella’ depressing. That alone was enough to ruin my day until I started thinking about something that’s come up recently.

Steph and I both went on lovely first dates the other night with girls from okCupid. (More on my lovely date later.) When I got home, we didn’t really talk about it. For some reason I’ve always been defensive immediately and haven’t wanted to hear anything about his dates – something I’ve been trying to figure out for a long time. He also doesn’t tell me much, thinking that I’m going to have a problem – more on this in my next post. Anyway, so after I get over that, we talk and I hear more about her. She lives up the road – which immediately I find to be a combo deal. That’s half really great, easy, convenient; I’m envious yeah, but whatevs. And then the other half is that it’s too close. Too easy to visit, too easy to spend way too much with her – if things were to get that far, of course. I’m lucky because Steph realized that half before I did and expressed similar anxiety which made me feel much better.

Eventually we ended up having a relationship conversation. One that was definitely very overdue and started very innocently. While telling me about the date, with adorable, cute enthusiasm – which I absolutely cannot knock because I’m so proud of him for becoming so comfortable with meeting people when he used to dread it – he said that it was cool that we could learn about the neighborhood from someone who lives in it.

This is where my feelings changed. We’ve lived in the neighborhood for five years. There’s quite a few places we have visited and quite a lot more that we haven’t. It’s easy to fall into a rut when you’re living anywhere. You stick to the same places based on your schedule, your preferences, whatever. But something I know very well is how much Steph has always been pretty negative about new things. Trust me, the man has gotten SO much better, but he is always the first one to “put the brakes” on something new whereas I’m often up for anything.

So why did it irk me when he said what he said? Well I suddenly realized one of the reasons I’ve often been uncomfortable with him dating other people. Keep in mind that this is a few years worth of buildup and I’ve only just articulated it. So many times I’ve suggested doing something fun, something that he and I can share as an experience together. Whether it’s try a new restaurant up the road, or a night out, we’re supposed to be partners and best friends – makes sense to do fun things together. Citing cost and practicality he’ll often reject the idea, not realizing that by doing so I feel he’s rejecting me. Of course he’s allowed to not want to do the same things as I am, he’s his own person sure. If it’s something like going to the grocery store – something we have to do – of course he’ll go, but anything “fun” that we haven’t done before (or sometimes things we have done) he’ll say no to, and not always because he’s opposed to it, just because he’s basically being lazy. So when he tells me excitedly that we can learn about the neighborhood from this new chick, I suddenly realized how I’ve felt rejected for years.

I get cost and practicality. Dates get enthusiasm and agreeance.

She gets it!

The “shiny and new” syndrome doesn’t just affect going out in relationships. It can affect how we relate, how your sex life at home is vs. your sex with other people. It’s easy to do new things with new people. There’s less expectations and less history to base judgments off of. It’s also easier to try something new that you’ve wanted to for a while because someone else is there to motivate you. What’s happened to us is that over the years I’ve stopped trying as much. I’ve adapted my idea of fun to fit my situation. I’ve gotten very good at convincing myself that certain things are in my past and that’s why we don’t do them when the truth might be that Steph just says no so much that I’ve given up.

The problem I face now is suddenly my heart is filling with resentment. That’s totally my emotion and I own it, but that doesn’t currently make it any easier to deal with. I feel like I’ve been cheated out of fun for years. Or that I’m somehow not worth having fun with and it’s left me feeling very insecure about it on top of a lot of other insecurities I’m feeling lately. I’m angry and sad all at once. I totally hate the idea of Steph meeting someone new but NOT because I’m opposed to him dating, but because I’ve suddenly realized all of these feelings related to something I’ve been missing out on. In addition, I think it has trickled over into our sex life. I feel like I haven’t been fucked by anything besides something I was controlling for weeks. Granted I was busy at work, got the flu, and then had a period accompanied by gross migraines, but I think the practicality has seeped into there as well.

One of the reasons why I seem to be “on” all the time when in the company of the Drapers is that I’m not around them as much as I am Steph. The opportunities to let loose and enjoy naked times over there are few and far between so even if I’m not initially feeling it, I allow myself to be constantly open to fucking so as to not let an opportunity pass. But why doesn’t that happen at home? It’s so easy at home to make excuses for not having sex, or not trying the new restaurant.

We can always do it tomorrow.

But the problem with that mentality is that there’s always another tomorrow and things get pushed and pushed and pushed. It happens to both monogamous and non-monogamous couples. The catch with non-monogamous couples is that we get to try the new things with other people, which can be a great thing – but sometimes not so much.

Like right now, I just want to feel like my husband wants to do fun things with ME. Not necessarily in place of someone else, but just as well. Go out and have fun on your dates, but then have fun with me too! It’s not such a big demand. Trust me, I can be a laugh riot, but I’ve lost my confidence with him in the bedroom and in the neighborhood. Practicality has gotten in the way so much that I don’t want to suggest anything anymore – though I still do because I’ll never really lose my enthusiasm. Honestly though, often I’d rather find someone else to go out with because it’s more likely they’ll say yes to my crazy or not so crazy schemes.

But if I do that, then we continue to both lose. I need to keep trying. I need to find things we can share together and not give up so soon. And he’s admitted that lately stress has caused him to take me for granted. He hasn’t let me in and I’ve felt it. The other day I came home with some life changing news – that I’ll share with you when I can – and he asked nothing of it. I felt embarrassed to bring it up because it seemed obvious that he wasn’t interested.

And that’s dumb of both of us. We recognize that we need to get better at this. Doesn’t that sound like a strange thing to say?

“We need to get better at having fun together.”

Whatever. There it is.

Wheeeeeeeeee!

*Addendum: We DO have a lot of fun doing a lot of stuff. Don’t get me wrong. There’s just a lot of new and different stuff that I’d like to try as well.

Pwning, Part II

samantha — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 14:54:39 +0000

As the God fearing character “Manny” returns to tell us we’re all doing bad things on Sexie Sadie’s blog, I couldn’t help but comment back at him and since I wrote so much I wanted to share with all of you!

Here’s his latest comment, and you can read mine below. Fun with God and open relationships!

Manny said…

First of all I’m not Christian. Secondly, of course it is very easy to read the bible like a book and find what seem to be conflicting statements and inaccuracies. However, if someone is looking for excuses for their behavior there is an abundance of them out there. The bible is too complex to just read like a work of fiction and claim they know Gods word.

What I believe is that God, the Bible and everything holy is so powerful and so truthful that if everything in the Bible was clear cut there would be no free choice. When someone sins he would die and so on. But the reason we humans are on this planet is to be human. Make mistakes, learn from them. Read, explore and try to find the truth, the real truth. The truth that makes so much sense that your body and soul feel warm with happiness. The tranquility and the happiness one feels when he knows that he is doing the right things are impalpable.

There is no doubt in my mind that all of you living alternate lives and not truly happy. It is simply physically impossible. Just like it is impossible to touch fire and not get burned. You can cut your nerves and claim that since you don’t feel the fire you are not getting burned, but we all know you are getting burned, badly. God, who created the world and everything in it told us what will make us happy and content. And if we act otherwise we will not be happy. We may try very hard to put the sadness, the loneliness, the misery and hide somewhere deep into the subconscious. But eventually it pops up and you realize you are badly burned.

I agree it is an extreme inadequacy on my part that I keep coming back here and I just can’t help myself. I am not blaming anyone for what they do or don’t do. That would be the height of hypocrisy. My only point is, pls don’t say what you are doing is good. At least acknowledge that it is bad but you can’t help yourself. Don’t claim that your lifestyle is great and everybody should be doing it because that will bring they greatest calamity the world has ever known. God has never let civilization come to a point where acts of the type portrayed in this blog are commonplace.

We are seeing the self destructing of our society before our very eyes; all politicians are corrupt and arrogant from republicans to democrats. All everyone cares about is power, money and attention. The lifestyles that kept our civilization intact for thousands of years are being destroyed in systematic way and in an unimaginable way just a few years ago.

But just like the Phoenix a new civilization will be born, hopefully with the realization of the one and only eternal God the creator of the World known and perceived by all mankind and in his full Glory. So help us God.

Sam said:

Manny, if what I am doing makes me happy, makes me happy and brings joy and love into the lives of people I know, then guess what … I’m going to say it’s great. Before you start assuming that everyone in an open relationship thinks that everyone should be doing it, you should try to understand more where people are coming from, the purpose of blogs, etc.

My blog, and I’m sure Sadie’s as well are meant as personal diaries that we share with the world. If people going through similar situations can learn from them, great. If people just read them for entertainment, then great. If people don’t want to read them, sure, also great.

But nowhere do *most* polyamorous people state that we think everyone should follow in our footsteps. I might not think that monogamy is 100% natural, but I don’t disagree with the hundreds of thousands of people that choose to live their lives in that coupling. What works for you, is what works for you. Who am I to come in and say otherwise?

And who are you to come along and say that people who are living their lives with openness and honesty, respecting others, growing with others, admitting their faults and embracing their strengths and most importantly being happy are wrong and bad?

This ‘real truth’ that you are talking about is what many of us get to experience each and every day. My relationship being open forced me to admit a lot of truths and to learn to work towards being truly happy in my relationship and helping my husband be so as well. That would seem to be to fit with the “truth” you say we should be seeking.

I suppose that by talking about relationships so openly and communicating with our partners is bad instead of hiding our physical and emotional desires and fueling possible resentment and hostility by not communicating to the best of our abilities which must, in your eyes, be good.

I am sorry that you feel that someone who says they are happy isn’t truly happy. That you cannot see the joy that we experience as valid and let it influence your life in a positive way instead of wanting to knock it down and dissect it, for whatever God fearing reasons that exist in your mind.

I know this is an argument we can never win. You’ll always think that everything we say is a lie that we’re telling ourselves to get through the days while we know that we’re being more honest than we ever have before. And we’ll always think that you’re a nutbar while you tell yourself that your reasoning is based in logic and that really, you’re an open person who loves everyone.

So stay nutty. It looks good on you and even better on us.

Under One Roof

samantha — Wed, 22 Jul 2009 04:13:39 +0000

Over the past few years as Steph and I have gone through different dating situations, we have always discussed the pipe dream of living with those we’re fucking. Triad relationships, two couples living in the same house; these are all things that sound good in theory, and hey, who knows what the future will hold for us. Our reality right now though is that we live in a strong, married primary relationship with a secondary relationship happening as well, externally. To be honest, I don’t like using the word “secondary” because I don’t consider these people to be ‘second’, but I have to stick with the lingo as I sometimes get in trouble with the dictionary police! *shakes fist*

Occasionally vanilla friends and strangers will make a joke about us ending up in a hippie commune, surrounded by lovers and naked people, having orgies every day while eating grapes. I’m pretty convinced that wouldn’t actually be half bad. Those fucking hippies must be onto something! However, what perhaps years of monogamous societal training or maybe just my own beliefs have shown me is that my marriage with Steph is still number one.

Don’t get me wrong. There are definitely times when I push the boundaries within it. I’ve stayed out later than I should. Fucked people I probably shouldn’t have under the circumstances, and have been too emotional about guys and dolls that aren’t le husband. To be in a successful open relationship you have to communicate, so I have to make sure to tell him how I’m feeling about other people. Not to the point of making him feel insecure, but just enough to let him know where my brain is at. The honesty has become our security blanket and it’s warm and fuzzy.

There are some basic understandings that I think are important to follow in every poly relationship, whether the other people live down the road, an hour away or in the next bedroom. It can be very easy to get caught up in new relationship energy. It’s happened to me many times and I’ve mentioned in the past how sometimes skewed external relationships can be as you’re often seeing someone in dating mode and not day to day life. Which, let’s admit, can be frustrating and full of hiss.

At the end of the day, Steph and have a lot of history together and no matter how amazing and awe inspiring additional lovers may be, it’s the two of us that are making decisions for our relationship, together. When we date other people it’s important to us that they realize that we come as a package deal, even if they are only romantically involved with one of us. That means that while the other person might range from being someone who will never meet the spouse to someone who, let’s say for fun, moves into our spare bedroom, our marriage still takes priority.

If we want to have kids, change careers, tie each other up, or host a dinner party, it’s our decision. If someone was living with us, the things that would affect their living arrangements would of course have to be discussed with them. Secondary relationships are important, and I feel the most successful ones start with a basic respect and understanding of the primary relationship that has allowed them to exist in the first place.

History deserves respect and consideration and should be treated as number one, in my opinion.

Now the situation would be different if Steph and I started our relationship with another person or couple. Then we would form our own way together being fair to everyone involved. This is not to say that treating a primary relationship as the “lead” in a house is unfair; I do think it is necessary and would want myself to ensure everyone involved had an understanding of the basic hierarchy in the house.

Perhaps this goes against a lot of traditional poly “love everyone” ideals, but my point is to discuss polyamory for those of us who have long been involved in more “regular” situations, giving ideas on how to integrate the two without stepping on too many toes. Going from monogamy to non-monogamy is not the easiest thing to deal with, and should be treated as a situation requiring care, attention and most importantly respect.

Do I love the idea of having two husbands? Or a husband and a wife? Or TWO husbands and a wife? Absofreakinglutely. I just know that if any of it were to happen then for those of us involved in the primary relationships it would be hella important to remember where we came from.

Then what a journey it’ll be to get where we’re going.