Not Your Mothers Playground» Events

Porn Reborn – A Summary

samantha — Fri, 09 Apr 2010 03:10:01 +0000

Recently I had the pleasure of attending Porn Reborn – New Movements and Markets in Pornography with my dear friend Tara McKee, sex educator and workshop facilitator for Good For Her, put on by SDSSU. The SDSSU is the undergraduate course union for everyone who has ever taken a Sexual Diversity Studies course at the University of Toronto.

Porn is absolutely not something I’m an expert on. Sure, I have a website link bookmarked on my iPhone, but I actually only own 1 movie and I got that for free at the Everything To Do With Sex Show a few years ago. (And ick, it’s so terrible!)

The fact that I only own one movie is absolutely 100% embarrassing. I should have a big ol’ box of porn like in the 40 Year Old Virgin, but trying to find the right style to watch with Steph has been a bit of a challenge over the years.

I admit it. I am a participant in the ‘Click! Gratify’ movement. I watch porn when I need to. If I’m in a hurry to finish, or having trouble shutting off my brain to focus on my lady bits, I’ll find something quickly and click. Steph and I have never really watched together – (though we’re going to work on that by buying some stuff and not living such separate sex lives) – we’ve always had issues with the types of porn that the other likes and gave up trying to find something we could both enjoy.

But no more! Well, ok I will likely still be a click, gratify kinda’ girl, but I will also add to it by purchasing and watching good videos that add to my sexual relationship with myself, my husband and hopefully my lovers.

Anyway …

The conference opened with Brenda Crossman, Director of the Mark S. Bonham Centre for Sexual Diversity Studies, and professor of family law, gender and law, and law on film. Here’s some highlights from her talk:

The adult entertainment industry is suffering the same fate as the newspaper industry as more and more people are getting their content, for free, online. Hustler’s suffering just like the New York Times. (Note: *Free might be the right term for the consumer, but many times we click on a Tube8, PornHub, XHamster or other video, we’re watching content that was originally meant to be purchased.)
Though the stats are unreliable, from 2005 – 2007 the porn industry shrank by $600m in sales
Porn companies are starting to catch on, allowing the consumer to watch a certain amount of a video for free before reaching the “sweet spot” of time spent that encourages people to take out their credit cards and watch the rest.

Next up was Sherrie Quinn, 4th-year Philosophy and Sexual Diversity Studies student. Growing up as a kid watching Sex TV in 1999 (I was 19 then, how cute is she?), Sherrie didn’t experience the same gradual transition as the rest of us as porn culture became more mainstream. While her presentation was very much like listening to someone read their thesis out loud, she also had some good points and spoke about how hardcore has proliferated into western society.

In the US, ten to eleven thousand porn films are made EACH year
We as a society don’t think twice about seeing pornographic style images in modern culture. American Apparel will sell you porn in the form of $40 striped socks.
“Porn Sheik” has become a taken for granted advertising gimmick.
Hardcore porn was not available in Britain until 1998. (Ah, my mother country and its old fashioned ways.)

Next up was Bruce La Bruce; a Toronto based filmmaker, writer, photographer, and artist. He bean his career in the mid-eighties making a series of short experimental super 8 films and co-editing a punk fanzine called J.D.s, which begat the queercore movement.

LaBruce was interesting to listen to as he spoke of his life as The Reluctant Pornographer saying that lately when asked why he makes porn, he’d call it kind of a bad habit. He had a lot of great things to say, and again … here’s a summary:

Punk has the same root as the word faggot.
Porn was originally made in the 60′s by filmmakers moonlighting after hours. They’d spend their weeks working on regular Hollywood films and their nights on their love for porn.
Amateur video used to be very personal but porn on video lead to a capitalization of the industry, allowing it to be taken over by the mainstream.

Am I an artist or a pornographer?

As LaBruce creates, he combines unexpected genres like avant garde and experiemental trying to transgress the boundaries limiting the audience. He made the decision early on to not let family disapproval influence his choices and has gone on to have his work featured in numerous international film festivals.

Some of my favorite snippets of his talk were:

Porn starts are some of our best martyrs, sacrificing themselves on the sexual drives of the masses.
Contrary to popular belief, porn stars are people too and it takes a really strong moral compass to navigate the world of porn. There are a lot of damaged people working in the industry and having a strong sense of personal ethics to deal with what can be a very fucked up industry is crucial.
Exploitation is rampant in the industry, but there are people out there changing that. Sasha Grey filmed a scene where 15 guys came in her mouth and she didn’t seem exploited at all. She is not the norm though.

Finally the keynote speaker, Tristan Taormino came on stage.

Tristan took us on a trip back through the history of porn on video, avoiding the topic of internet pornography, deciding instead to focus on video throughout the decades. What have the big, and not so big, names been making and how has it changed?

The 1980′s was the birth time of feminist porn, with the 90′s heading more into unexplored territories like S/M and sex education. Tristan herself made it onto the education scene along with Annie Sprinkle, Betty Dodson, Deborah Sundahl, Nina Hartley and others.

The 2000′s brought about a decade of diversity; lesbian, dyke & queer porn with gender fluidity, WW3 westerns, kinky and Buck Angel, the 1st independently funded FTM crossover star to sign a deal for mainstream distribution.

As the decade went on, community based subgenres started to appear with alt, punk, indie and art porn.

When Tristan decided to make her first video, the thought sort of hit her like “Hmm, how about making a video?!” So she wrote a proposal that she managed to get in front of a bunch of porn big-wigs. One day the phone rings … and it’s Buttman.

Buttman, is on the phone.

He said he liked her proposal and asked her if she was going to Vegas. She said “Yes!”, hung up, and thought … “What’s Vegas?”

Once she realized it’s where the AVN’s were being held, she hopped on a plane to meet him and ended up signing the deal to make her first movie. Taormino decided to be in the last scene of the film, having sex with the entire cast. Having never taken so much as a polaroid of herself having sex, here she was about to have a 13 person gangbang.

In 2005, Taormino returned to porn, feeling that the gonzo movement had become corrupted. Rather than being an honest experience for the viewer, gonzo was focusing more on circus like acts, like how many holes can be impaled at once?

Gonzo became the antiporn feminists worst nightmare.

When Taormino filmed “Chemistry”, she challenged the porn formula, letting the actors speak for themselves, setting it up more like a reality show that took place over 36 hours. The process of selecting a cast involved heavy consideration of each actors “yes” and “no” lists – the people they would and would not appear with on camera. She wanted to show that porn actors are more than just sexual objects, that they are people and it’s important to treat them as such. Each actor was interviewed to find out who they are, with questions being asked like “What do you like about your job?” and so on.

This challenges the porn formula as men in porn often don’t speak, or even have their face shown. They are often simply … just a dick.

It’s a formula that Taormino follows in her other films such as “Rough Sex” where actresses describe their own personal submission fantasies, and are able to act them out with cast members they want to work with, in a scene that makes them feel safe.

Not the first thing you think of when you hear the expression ‘Feminist Porn’, but here’s how Taormino describes that idea.

Feminist porn is:

fair and ethical processes
safe working conditions
collaboration with performers
respect for STD testing and condom use
positive representations of genders and orientations
pleasure for everyone
showing that actors are three dimensional human beings
not telling people where to fuck, allowing them to choose. If given a choice, most actors will choose a bed because … it’s comfortable.
against messages from society that porn is dirty or a mans world

It’s not the granola hippie arm hair movement that so many of my guy friends seem to think it is. It’s not just about lesbian or queer pornography, instead it focuses on good movies for all. Porn doesn’t have to be something that men watch when their wives are away, there is 100% something for everyone in the industry.

Come and celebrate Feminist Porn at the Good For Her Feminist Porn Awards, taking place tomorrow, April 9th at the Berkeley Church in Toronto.

Interested in a new way to watch porn? Check out Hot Movies For Her where you can watch movies by the minute. Satisfy the Click! Gratify! urge, or relax and watch some story.

Check out some of the above mentioned peeps, as well as other great people involved in feminist porn on my Twitter List! Did I miss someone? I’m sure I did! @reply me and let me know!

What What, In Your Butt!

samantha — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 04:13:28 +0000

Hey work colleagues and family! This post is probably TMI for you. Don’t say I didn’t warn you!

Recently I went to local sex store, Come As You Are for the Advanced Anal Pleasure workshop with Tristan Taormino, sex educator, adult filmmaker and bestselling author of The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women.

The lovely Tristan Taormino & I

I’d been looking forward to this workshop for weeks and finally it was settled that Steph would come with me, so after a quick diner at Harlem Underground, off we went. The atmosphere at CAYA is lovely and intimate, with room for only about 20 people. I was really looking forward to meeting Tristan as I very much enjoy (and recommend) her book on open relationships Opening Up and have quoted her in my book on numerous occasions.

Assuming that everyone in the room was well versed in anal pleasures enough to be attending the advanced workshop, Tristan started right away with enemas. After enemas she discussed the ins and outs of anal penetration; prostate stimulation; anal sex positions; strap-on anal sex; orgasms through anal penetration; extended butt plug wearing; and anal fisting. She grabbed a couple of volunteers from the audience who, while one wore the Wonder Woman dildo harness, demonstrated various positions to try for everyone from the beginner (try spooning), to those that want to “jam it all in” (try doggie).

Never being 100% comfortable with full on anal myself, it was great to have my questions answered by someone well known as an expert in areas of the bum. Mild IBS and pain have always made the idea of it not too appealing but knowing that not only is my husband into the ass, but so are others I’m dating, makes me want to try harder. I’m not opposed to it like I am eating mushrooms. Asking Tristan about practicing, stomach problems and timing helped reassure me that not only is it possible, it will be fun and if I can learn to relax, there’s a whole world waiting there for me.

Here’s some quick tips from the workshop that I’ll share with you.

Even people with chron’s, IBS and other bum issues can enjoy anal play.
Enemas often contain laxatives. Best to drain them and fill yourself with lukewarm water.
Your ass is not going to grow to be this big gaping hole that you see in porn, only to never recover. Those people that you see in porn are sexual athletes and have been fucking for hours before you see them for 20 minutes with an asshole you could fit your foot into.
All asses need a warm up. Even people who are used to anal play but take a break for a while will need a warm up to relax the muscles.
The more practice you have, the less warm up time you’ll need eventually.
When fisting, always use gloves. Even with partners that you go barrier free with.
When fisting, if your partner freaks out and says “Get it out of there!”, this is a perfectly normal reaction. Go slow, but not too slow, and out you get.
Anal sex requires a hard dick, (or a dildo), so if your partner asks you (boys) to stop moving because the sensation is too much, try short, shallow thrusts to keep both of you happy and aroused.
After a good fisting, or other anal play, your ass might hurt! Try hemorrhoid wipes – basically baby wipes, soaked in witchhazel (try refrigerating them too!), or Vitamin A&D cream – available in your local pharmacy for some relief.
Attention straight men! Liking it in the ass does NOT make you gay; stop thinking that! Your prostate just happens to be located there, and learn to stimulate that correctly and you can possibly become multi-orgasmic.

Thanks to Tristan and Come As You Are for a great workshop. I was really excited to be meeting one of my #polyamory author heroes and thankful that she was happy to let me quote her in my own book and will help me connect with other authors if necessary. Woo hoo!

For more information, check out Tristan on tour! Hopefully Toronto folks, I’ll see you when she returns to Toronto in April for the Feminist Porn Awards. You can also check her out tomorrow at Uof T when she keynotes the Porn Reborn: New Movements and Markets in Pornography event. (Visit her tour page for more information.)

Ready For Our Close-Ups: Modern Marriage and Us

samantha — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 17:52:36 +0000

Yesterday, months earlier than we were expecting, Steph and I were interviewed for the documentary we were asked to be in on modern marriage, that will air on CBC’s Doc Zone hopefully sometime early next year.

Not the usual décor for our living room!

Saying that it’s a little nervewracking to have a large camera in your face while you speak to intimate details about your marriage is a bit of an understatement but Steph and I held our own. The woman that we were being interviewed by, Sue, was lovely and calm and just let us talk when we wanted to keep going. If there’s one thing that Steph and I can do well, it’s talk. And talk. And talk some more. I like to think that’s one of the reasons our relationship, and open part of it, is so successful.

We talked about our relationship before we got married, why we ended up getting married, my time as a wedding planner and our open marriage as it works today. It was a bit difficult sometimes when talking about current relationships knowing that the show wouldn’t be aired for months and having no prediction on how the next year might pan out. Of course, this past year with the Drapers has been much more consistent than any relationships we’ve ever had since opening up, so I highly doubt / don’t plan on anything changing – unless for the better, if possible, but still we had to think in the future which was a bit weird when answering questions.

I also wanted to be careful to not say anything too strongly about swinging and polyamory and the lifestyles that other people choose. If there’s one thing I cannot stand it’s the polyamory police that like to believe there’s only one way of doing things and so I tried to stay away from that, saying more that this is what works for Steph and I, not other people. I think it’s best that people have their own takes on their own relationships as no one is living your life for you, but you.

It was important for us to show people that polyamory / swinging isn’t really always as alternative as you might think it is. That we still deal with normal things like bills and groceries and going to IKEA and Home Depot; though admittedly nowhere near as much as we used to.

So while we talked about sex with other people, we actually seemed to speak more about practicality. How time management works within our open relationship. How the little logistical details can sometimes get in the way of sexy fun times and how they often mean the most. We realized after the camera stopped rolling just how boring* we’ve become in 3 and half years of being open. In the beginning it was all genitals and more genitals, and then with experience it’s just become another aspect of our lives that we have to manage well to be happy.

At the end of the day, that’s what we wanted to get out of this filming experience. We wanted to show that “normal people” (normal on the surface anyway) can take the traditional institution of marriage, combine it with an un-traditional lifestyle such as swinging or polyamory and be successful at it, with a little elbow grease. Or sometimes a lot of elbow grease. Fucking other people and knowing how to handle it is something that we’ve learned to deal with, just like we’ve learned how to do our finances together.

Don’t get me wrong as I’m not trying to take the sexy out of the situation. For those that know me well, they know I’m one of the perviest people on the planet and would be getting into as much sexy trouble as I could if my current relationships were set up that way. Dirty should have been my middle name. (I guess Leigh was prettier?) Over the years of being in this situation though we’ve learned that being open isn’t just a fad to us, it’s a part of who we are and talking about the practical side of how we make fucking other people work is exactly how we like to look at our modern marriage.

*Just kidding, I don’t really think we’re boring. Steph and I just like to say that as a joke.

Fake Prom, Real World

samantha — Sat, 05 Sep 2009 23:14:33 +0000

Last Friday Steph, @ccath, @bondean and I headed down to the Palais Royale on Lakeshore West for Fake Prom 2009. The “theme” was Film Noir, and while many people kinda’ butchered it according to the purists it was definitely enjoyable after a long week of work to get dolled up, look around a fancy room and see plenty of guys and dolls in vintage (looking) attire and hair styles.

Random guests I asked to look candid for me at Fake Prom 2009

There wasn’t much to do at the event besides wait in line for drink tickets and drinks, followed by drinking those drinks, dancing and popping the prom balloons. Luckily for us we snagged a table close to the door where we could just sit and watch people coming in, and then check them out as they waited in the line ups. The vibe was a rare mixture of pretentious and completely easy going. The music was amazing with a great selection of hits from all decades. Every song made me want to cheer, although I was pretty drunk so don’t take my word for it.

@stephgoulet and I ham it up for the camera at Fake Prom 2009

I was having a great time flirting excessively with the bartenders and telling random people how great they looked while Steph chatted at the table with our lady friends. I must send a thanks to the girl that stopped to tell me I was beautiful and the red suit guy for telling me I looked fabulous. As well as apologies to the suspenders guy for my drunken insistence that he looked like Sterling Cooper, the fictitious ad agency – not even a person, Samantha! And it’s not that it wasn’t fun enough to admire – and critique – fashions all night but the universe decided that we needed a little more drama to make the evening complete.

This drama came in a few entertaining forms. The first being the arrival of … the Kids. There they were, no more than 10 feet away from us in line to get drink tickets with some of their friends. The line was moving so slowly that it felt they were beside us forever and even when they got out of it and grabbed their drinks, they still ended up standing behind us pretty much the ENTIRE NIGHT. I suppose it’s always strange to see an ex when you’re single, but when it’s your ex and your partner’s ex all at once … it’s well … it’s weird! I’d had a bit of an appetizer to the situation the week or so prior when I saw S at a restaurant, but it didn’t make it any less bizarre to see him at Fake Prom.

It’s one thing to see an ex that you’re still civil with but after his last email to me I cut S right out of my life in every social media accessible form. There wasn’t really going to be any pleasantries on either side – although later when I was really drunk I did think about saying hello. When we were leaving, Steph was accosted by the girl half of the Kids and she and I were forced to exchange very uncomfortable, drunken “Hey, how are you’s?” before I had to cut their conversation off to go and grab our taxi.

In addition to the Kids, we ran into Steph’s ex (now good friend) B. That was nice but I hadn’t seen her in almost a year so it was a bit strange. Mainly because I suddenly realized at that moment how many people no more than 15 ft. from me I had been naked with at one point or another in my life! My brain drunkenly imploded at that very moment. Or was that Steph popping a prom balloon? I’ll never know for sure …

To top it all off, in the middle of a drunken serenade to @bondean of ‘Total Eclipse of the Heart’, I ran right into a boy from okCupid who had also messaged me on Facebook. Over a year ago. And I remembered his name. (We are now FB friends as a result.) How random is that!

Around 2 am, we got soaked in the pouring rain waiting for a cab, finally made it home and then had a drunken fight until around 4 am. We actually learned a lot of stuff from that fight so I’ll share it with you soon.

My final verdict on Fake Prom? A lot more fun than I was expecting it to be, accompanied with a heaping of awkward drama to keep us on our toes.

How could I forget!?

samantha — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 03:43:08 +0000

Today is our third year Openniversary. Here’s my post from last year: http://notyourmothersplayground.com/2008/08/26/openniversary

My friend @doingitwrong made this for us last year

Three years later and what a ride it’s been. We’ve gone through so many changes in such a short time; being open has really helped us become the people we are today.

So what have the past three years brought to our table?

Threesomes with some lovely pretty ladies
My first threesomes without Steph
A few awkward foursomes
BDSM introduction and self discovery
Fetish club adventure
Lavalife, Plenty of Fish, okCupid and Adult Friend Finder
Love with others
Breaking up with others
Dating people waaaay younger than us
Fights
Accidental sex with friends
Sex in an office
The ‘stapler’ incident
Hey wait, I like being hit like that …
Make up sex
Conquering jealousy, or at least taming it
Do we WANT to go to Club Wicked?
Discovering who we are as individuals
Getting over domestic boredom
Discovering the city we live in
Realizing that we can be sexy, attractive people
This blog!
A book on the way
An article in the National Post
A mention on CBC radio
An amazing group of friends from Twitter
A sexy celebration of our 3rd Openniversary which is going to start right about … now.

Toronto Pride

samantha — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 17:34:54 +0000

True story.

What a great weekend I had at Toronto Pride. Though lacking in sleep and limits on alcohol consumption Friday night I thoroughly enjoyed the weekend’s festivities.

It was a great time of hanging with friends, the Drapers and feeling very comfortable in my skin. Last year was the first time that I first officially felt right saying that I’m bisexual. I’ve grown more and more confident with it overtime and can admit that, if I were single, I could imagine myself in a long term relationship with another girl. It would have to be open though. I really just love men and their naughty bits too much to give up completely.

“Be proud of who you are!” is something I heard a few people yelling exuberantly as they ran by during the Parade on Sunday. And I am proud. I’m proud to be a bisexual, (yes I’ll finally give in and say that I’m) poly woman. Walking down the street with Steph and Don beside me, enjoying the beauty of all the people on the streets from straights to gays to trannies and everything in between, felt great and I couldn’t have been happier.

Happy Pride everyone.

Seven swams a swimming

samantha — Thu, 28 May 2009 05:12:58 +0000

NOTE: This is an absolute too much information post, so please don’t read if you can’t handle it. Really, I think this stuff is like any other fun activities. We talk about our other daily activities, life would be so much better if only sex didn’t have to be an exception.

Despite what people might think, weeks like this are not common place just because I’m open. Sometimes – most of the time, really – it’s like I’m married and monogamous, flirting with others, but no more, and then other times … well, here’s the last 7 days or so, in no particular order:

At least ten fantasies realized within 12 hours
Second foursome ever, but way better this time
First, however brief since it was just a pee break for she, mmf
Dommed in front of husband and lover, by other lover – brain explosion as worlds collided
Visited by Harvey for staycation hang out and bj
Night of threesome fun with people I love dearly until 4 am
Drunken sexy chats
Established book writing reward system: Finish writing a book chapter, get to make the “o” face
Another night of threesome fun with man I’d never met but heard a lot about

And a partridge in a pear tree.

The Erotic Arts & Crafts Fair Returns! – Feb. 14

samantha — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 00:57:46 +0000

Hey Torontonians! Need some plans for Valentine’s Day? Why not head on down to the Gladstone and check out the 3rd annual Erotic Arts and Crafts Fair.

Erotic Arts and Crafts Website

Sexapalooza – This weekend in Ottawa!

samantha — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 00:30:08 +0000

Update: Sexapalooza is January 15 – 17, 2010.

Hey Ottawa residents! The transit may still be on strike, but your libido doesn’t have to be. Sexapalooza’s taking place this weekend [Jan. 16 - 18] at Lansdowne Park.

Tickets are just $15 at the door.

Sexapalooza is a fun, upscale consumer trade show dedicated to entertaining and educating our attendees on all aspects of sexuality. Expect to watch fantastic stage shows, be prepared to learn new ideas and tips during our free workshops, and know that you’ll be shopping for great deals and the newest, hottest toys and products for your bedroom.

Visit the website for more information.