More for my gratification than yours, I’m afraid, here’s my year in review. I can’t offer any words of advice in it, this is strictly a personal post as I’m terribly interested in what the f*ck happened this year to make me SO excited for it to be over! Here goes nothing …

January – A pretty normal month. Cold, snow everywhere, and my friend living in our basement. Relationship with Harvey (married friend who I dabbled in BDSM with) was getting more intense, leading up to him coming over to the house and me making sure the place looked great to impress him (?) – THAT makes my giggle now, because when he came over last time in the fall, I *might* have done the dishes or picked up some papers strewn on the floor, the end.

February – Accidental, drunken group sex at a friends party causes Steph and I to face some demons and realize some things together about what’s ok, and what’s not and sometimes how alcohol can bend some of those rules regardless. Steph travels to Durham region to see the woman again, and we deal with that situation ok-ish. Randomly, I go to a Raptors game with a man I’d only met once, a year prior, to fuck. We had fun at the game, a little makeout and said good night.

Harvey finally comes over to the house, things go swimmingly well. A few days later meet another boy for a fun night, someone who ends up becoming a good friend to me now, though we have a strange relationship. A day or so later, meet a new cute girl who I see twice in one week for random fun. (Husband was away in San Fransisco – I made the most of my week alone, obviously!).

After San Fran we discover that the video game studio we both work for is laying off over 40 of us. Suddenly the month doesn’t look so good as it did as I’m left unemployed. At least Steph still had a job.

March – I throw myself into searching for a job like a madwoman. A good friend suggests I start this blog, so I do! Close to the end of the month, Steph is let go from work as well, so we’re suddenly faced with the reality of neither of us having a job. Doesn’t really bode that well for the sex life as we’re not feeling too great.

April – A strange month. I had a tan at the beginning of it because it was so warm outside that I just worked with Lappy in the backyard, blogging and job searching. Forgive me, anyone I dated, but I can’t remember much happening on that front, though I did meet a lovely gal that has become one of my nearest and dearest girlfriends/mores. Close to the end of the month, I did join a BDSM website out of curiosity. I wanted to understand more about the understanding that Harvey and I had created. Why I was drawn to certain aspects of D/s psychology, who else was involved in these things and what could I learn from them?

A few days later after joining, my stepbrother died in a tragic boating accident. Being so far away (he lived in NS), I felt this strange disconnect. Looking back I can see now how I threw myself into the quickly forming (I hesitate to use the word) relationships, that were so intensely psychological, as a way to deal with the grief I was going through. It was definitely a learning experience for me on how everyone grieves differently and how we shouldn’t feel guilty for dealing in our own way.

The funeral was tough, full of a lot of the same people that were at my dad’s funeral in 2004. The same minister, same decorations, same little sandwiches. It was a tough time and I miss my little bro.

May – After coming back from the funeral in NS, I decided to keep pursuing these D/s relationships and I met a few people in that lifestyle. I quickly learned what I didn’t want out of an external BDSM relationship, and that was to be humiliated and made to feel like a piece of shit. What I had with Harvey was a style of relating and I wanted more of that. Steph seemed to be ok with me pursuing these interests as it was helping me discover more about myself and helping us to define our relationship better. I got into some interesting situations that deserve at least their own book section someday, but we’ll leave them alone for now. Family friendly blog and all.

Friend moved out of basement, and Steph and I suddenly remembered what it was like to walk around in our undies and not have to worry about it.

I can’t remember if it was May or April, but at some point a good friend of mine and I went out, got drunk and randomly fucked. It was totally a surprise to me, as I was convinced he had no interest, and ended up being totally irrelevant to our relationship as friends (a good thing!). I didn’t tell Steph when it happened because I just didn’t know how; though I ended up telling him one night when drunk. Being the absolute dear that he is, he mentioned my confession the next day, and was ok with it; me waiting to tell him, and the actual act itself. What a darling he is!

In May I also had a random drunken one night stand. Something I hadn’t done since my college days. Thanks to the wonders of the internet though, I was able to find him on Facebook, and after a little convincing, he and I are great friends now. (Told you I wasn’t crazy, darlin’.) I also started a new job!

June – This month was an adjustment, getting used to working again. It suddenly wasn’t so easy to date people whenever I wanted anymore. Haha! This is the month when I first heard from S, and Steph and I were so excited about the idea of meeting a local, open couple. (Hindsight being what it is, we should have focused less on being wooed because they were local, and more on the relationships we were forming as a group of four.) Needless to say, we were excited about the possibilities moving forward with them, and life seemed pretty great as Steph was also doing some contract work right next to my job, so we were getting back on track.

July – Not much change here. S and I realized we were well on our way to becoming great friends and things seemed to be going pretty good for the four of us. Work was getting better as we hired some new peeps, and even though it rained a lot, Steph and I were enjoying lots of lunches outside work, underneath our favorite tree. He was still dating this one girl that I never met and we had a few situations of him being out with her where I wasn’t so thrilled about it all. (As made apparent with the infamous Drunken Shower post.) I did realize from his relationship with her that most of the issues he and I would face when dating other people came from problems that existed before non-monogamy ever came into play. Looking back, his time with her was a good learning experience for the two of us.

August – Said girl from above decides to break up with Steph citing the fact that he’s in an open relationship and possibly sleeping with others as her reasoning. I think to myself “Um, hello honey? He was in an open relationship the entire time you were dating. Did you not realize that before hand?”. Anyway, Harvey was recently married so that brought about a change in my relationship with him, but I was mainly wrapped up in being swamped at work and what S and I were becoming.

September – Work was crazy busy this month. I was published in the National Post, finally, after weeks of waiting for the story to come out. (Read that here if you haven’t already.) Between Steph, work and S, there wasn’t really much time to focus on anything else. Though, Harvey and I were starting to talk again like we did before he tied the knot, and I was selfishly ok with that.

October – Ok, so I said work was crazy in September, but October really got bat shit insane. I didn’t see S very much, and when talking to him was definitely sensing more tension from his gf than he’d hinted at previously. I was constantly stressed and pretty much unhappy during this month. Looking back I’d say it sucked big donkey balls, for sure. Except for our annual Halloween party. That was the bestest party evar! And of course, except for the fact that after months and months of feeling unsure about whether I should or shouldn’t, I finally made out with a gf of mine, and then had a sexy date with her which was a really fun way to spend an afternoon. Harvey also came over for another fun day of video games and sexy fun, which was very welcomed.

I was also mentioned on CBC Radio, which brought many of you to my site!

November – This was a weird month. Dealing with the aftermath of October’s big work events being over, and Steph was just settling in with his gig at DrinkBox Studios. S was unemployed (curse the damn economy), and outside of a Smashing Pumpkins concert I took him to for his birthday and Xmas, I barely saw him or talked to him. I knew he was going through some personal shiz, and I didn’t want to add any stress to him or his relationship, so I backed off and focused on my life.

We all know how that worked up with him being told to break it off with me at the end of the month by his gf out of the blue. AWEsome.

December – So finally, we come to this month. The first few weeks of this month truly sucked. I couldn’t get my brain to just shut up and stop thinking about the whole messy situation with S. I’d wake up randomly throughout the night and have my head construct emails, poems, blog posts, random sentences. It was annoying, and I considered heavy alcohol use just to shut my brain up. As we know, time heals most, and eventually I came to terms with the whole deal. I miss him, and I know we’ll see each other as friends soon, but I’m over the situation.

All that suckage being said, this was a great month for Steph and I. It’s amazing to me how we keep getting closer and closer, figuring out things between us to help us be happy and healthy together. It might sound bizarre, but he truly was an amazing support for me, dealing with not so much the breakup, but the sadness of knowing someone thought so negatively of me when I’d tried my darnedest to make a situation work. I know our marriage will inevitably get stronger, but December was really a great month for making it as strong as it is now. (Thanks babe!)

Finally, I got into the Xmas spirit the Saturday before Xmas Eve, and have ended up having the best holidays I’ve had at this time of year for a looong time. There’s a girl that Steph’s gone out for dinner with for quite a few months, and impromptuly, she invited us over to her house to hang with she and her husband who we were planning on having dinner with in January anyway. Knowing that she was cool from a few emails we’d exchanged, and also trusting Steph’s judgment, I was really excited about getting to know both she and he better.

Since that night, things have improved ten fold, and I’m over the moon about their presence in our life. I think that’s worth saving for another post though. Don’t you?

If you’ve made it through all of this, you probably feel like you might if you’ve listened to a full year in review countdown of music on the radio. Some of the songs were entertaining. Some bored you to tears, and some you couldn’t stand. I thank you for staying with me though, and look forward to spending 2009 with you, my dear curious readers!

Happy 2009!
Samantha x

Just over a week ago now, I had one of my friends come over to visit. My husband took himself shopping (his love of buying himself cool things never ceases to amuse me) and I had the day to entertain myself and said friend. For the sake of personal nostalgia, we’ll call him Harvey.

Harvey and I have known each other now almost two years, and I would say that over the course of that time, he’s been a big influence in my life. Introducing me to BDSM, unknowingly helping me become a stronger person – a person who used to feel self conscious speaking to people out loud; a girl who believed in her character on paper, but not so much in reality.

What makes our relationship weird, for lack of a better word, is that he’s married. He wasn’t when we first started talking, just dating back then. A safe person for me to flirt with because I knew the score. He’d let me flirt, I’d get rejected, and in doing so, I’d start to get over that fear of rejection that so many of us have because it was all fun and light anyway. Then we crossed a line, one that we’ve crossed on a few occasions since, including that visit, just over a week ago.

Now, you might be wondering to yourself … how does this make sense?  As someone who preaches openness and honesty, strong communication on all fronts, how could I possibly be involved with someone who’s (very sporadically) cheating?   Well, just over a year ago I used to see it as something so very black and white, but there really are so many shades of gray involved, that it deserves examining. Of course, at the end of the day, if the other person finds out, all of these gray areas simply become black and white again, but let’s look at it a little closer anyway.

While I can never approve of lies and deceit (and have often wrestled in my own head the idea of being the other, even just occasional, woman), it can feel great having something that is just yours, that no one – or very few people – are wise to. Being completely open with my husband, as much as it works and as nice as it is; there is just something so desirable about being sneaky. Keeping a secret, especially a sexy secret – well, it’s invigorating. It’s an ego boost that you can keep to yourself and not worry about friends dissecting to death and taking away from you.

In this scenario, my husband knows all about Harvey. To him, he’s a regular part of my life, and he trust me in my interactions with him. It makes sense as Harvey and I are such good friends. They have yet to meet, but I’m sure will some day. It also gives me peace, that my husband knows me so well, that I am a kind and loving person, and that there is no malicious intent whatsoever in my relationship with Harvey, and that he feels comfortable with me spending time with him.

Perhaps initially the idea of knowing that Harvey and I had to be private was a thrill. We became creative in our use of office space and the challenge of finding time and space added to the intensity of each situation. However it never was, and still is not about stealing him away from his wife, or his normal life. In fact, quite the opposite, as I’ve always taken an active interest in their life together.

There are a few common reasons why people cheat. They can be looking for outside appreciation and validation, revenge or simply self-destruction. One other reason that rarely gets a mention though is that sometimes people just like having a secret. Something that allows them some personal indulgence. A little cherry on top added to an otherwise full, happy and fulfilled life. Also, there’s the highly controversial idea that cheating can actually be beneficial to a relationship, which, if you consider it outside of all the other reasons, might actually be valid in a few cases, such as this one.

[Read an interesting article about this topic at AskMen.Com - I agree with the author, to some degree, but it does neglect to mention that a little outside fling - while not the best way to do it - can occasionally not come from a bad place, and can bring some spice, or an ego boost back to the main relationship.]

So when Harvey and I hung out recently, and crossed whatever invisible line ever so slightly, even as a woman with a strong sense of right and wrong, I felt little guilt. If it doesn’t happen again, and we simply remain close friends, so be it. I know that we only ever hang out when he doesn’t have to take time and energy away from his wife. At the end of the day, I wish only for his happiness and am happy to know him, saucy times or not.

Addendum: Please note that I am 100% aware of my role in this scenario. Not that it makes it any better, but it did help when I admitted to myself that sometimes I can’t always be the best, perfect person that I expect myself to be. Striving to be the best that you can be is a great goal, and I work on that daily, but I will allow myself the occasional vice, as we all should really.

© National Post, 2008

While I haven’t had much time to write lately, I did have some time to be interviewed.

Read my interview, and accompanying story in this Saturday’s Weekend Post, by Zosia Bielski.

Click here for the article.

A few items as follow up:

• Steph’s not a Fraser, as much as I tried to convince him that my last name is completely awesome. He’s a Goulet, and likes to remind me by imitating Will Ferrell imitating Robert Goulet whenever he finds the time.
• We aren’t just considering the possibility of outside partners. It’s something that can happen at any time. Sometimes there’s other people, other times, not. Ebbs and flows, my friend.
• Weekends being reserved exclusively for us, and no sleepovers, are guidelines that we *usually* follow, but lately with the couple that we have been seeing, we often adjust those slightly as they live just up the road, and well … it just works with them!

Thanks to Zosia for pushing her editors to get over their cold feet and finally put the article out there.

For anyone who has come here after reading the article, welcome! For everyone who’s here often, thank you.

Join the Not Your Mother’s Playground Fan Site here.

Stay tuned for Part 2 of “What Makes An Open Relationship Great”, “Realizations”, and more thoughts from my open marriage frontlines. Coming soon. I promise. Really.

A new generation is bringing their thoughts on monogamy to the forefront of conversation. Some of them are living a fully polyamorous life, others are just inviting other people into their bedroom and then giving them the boot before the sun has a chance to think about rising. More and more are expressing our desire to stay with the partner we’ve chosen, but to still experience the joys that other people can bring into our lives. In short, every couple has their own way of doing things, experimenting with their own comfort.

The internet plays a big part in this new level of confidence many of us have with our lifestyle choices. Sites like Facebook give us the option of saying exactly what’s going on in our lives by letting us select “in an open relationship” or “it’s complicated” for our relationship status. Dating websites like okCupid have more and more members saying they are living an open lifestyle to some degree, and it seems normal.

What is it about the internet that allows us to feel safe? It used to be the anonymity of the web. You could say what you wanted and hide behind the screen, putting your thoughts out there but never having to deal with any real consequences. In recent years though, communities have been popping up all over the place. The internet has become how the world connects on a personal level, and is often more influential than any other medium at shaping how society thinks. No longer do I feel amazed that I can chat with someone across the ocean online as I once did. Now I’m amazed that I can find my neighbors and communicate with them as I may never have before.

Being able to find so much information about open relationships and to connect with other people who list it as a normal feature about themselves, just as they would the fact that they’re a brunette with green eyes, encourages us to feel a much higher level of acceptance than we’ve ever been exposed to in the past. There’s always the sticky issue of “coming out”, and there’s no reason that just because you’re experimenting with your level of fidelity that you have to tell everyone about it. Certainly not everyone’s mum is ok with it, and sadly discrimination still exists in many workplaces. Do what works for you and never be ashamed of it, as you are not alone.

We walk among you, and you might be surprised to find out how many of us there are.