Well not really. In actuality my brain is feeling fuzzy. I’m stuck in a weird place trying to kick my own ass into writing and I keep being distracted. Fighting distractions is one of my biggest problems.

Ooh look! There’s a . . . → Read More: Writing a book is HARD, yo!]]>

So hard that I’m even stealing titles from my own blog because my brain is feeling tapped.

Well not really. In actuality my brain is feeling fuzzy. I’m stuck in a weird place trying to kick my own ass into writing and I keep being distracted. Fighting distractions is one of my biggest problems.

Ooh look! There’s a kitty! There’s Twitter! OkC! There’s an orgasm waiting to be had!

I don’t know how to reward myself with fun social media time and instead just spend my time on it. Rather than save a friends’ holiday photos for after I’m done my work, I’ll interrupt my writing – mid sentence – to travel to a distant land, virtually.

I am a virtual tourist stalker with undiagnosed ADD.

I think part of my distraction frustration is a lack of direction. At my last job I owned a lot of things and made decisions based on my experience. In this situation, I have no experience. I don’t know if I should be self-publishing, finding a publisher, finding an agent, writing a newsletter, finishing the book first, or printing my business cards. There is nothing that tells me what the right step is and after hours and hours and hours of internet research on all of the above, the best I can come up with is “Do what’s in your heart.”

What the fuck, Samantha! Do what’s in your heart? That’s not helping me at ALL.

Really it’s not. What’s in my heart is to sit and finish the book. Spend hours a day writing it and just push on through. Then when I research publishing options, I find out that some publishers often take up to six months to get back to you and that could be with a rejection letter. So logic would then tell me to find publishers first and send off my proposal that I have sitting here. Ready. Waiting. Scared to send itself for fear of failure.

Or perhaps fear of success.

A few weeks ago I spent hours agonizing over something that a publisher’s website said, looking for a resumé with all submissions. I don’t have a writing resumé – outside of this blog I’ve done a guest post here or there. Is that what they mean? Why won’t you tell me? You don’t know? Well shit, I don’t know!

Then Steph came home and I talked about it with him. Ok, more like I talked AT him, but he was still there and (hopefully) paying attention. Talking it through helped me decide what to do and it took 10 minutes. Maybe I need to start talking to myself in the mirror. Or maybe I should just ask the cats? They don’t really need to reply, I just need a sounding board. Does that make me a crazy cat lady?

While you’re thinking about the answer to that question, here’s a cute picture of two of my kitties.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, distraction. Evil, evil distraction.

What I really need is a life coach. And it’s funny that I’m trying to be a life and relationship coach myself. I am just a classic example of someone who can help others but cannot help herself. Trust me. I’m a good coach, I promise I am. You can even get a free trial session from me if you want to see that for yourself I’ll meet you for coffee and we can discuss whatever you … ooh, do you see the cute top that girl’s wearing?

It’s also hard to focus because I have a lot on the horizon so I don’t know what to pick. Again, the direction thing comes into play and is really starting to zap my confidence. Here’s a list of things I want to and / or plan on accomplish(ing):

• A series of Open Relationship workshops at Lucky You on Dundas West. So far the plan is to do a 101 general workshop followed by 201 and 301 focusing on effective communication and jealousy / issues. Fingers crossed these are starting in September. They’ll be $35 each, with a discount if you purchase more than one. Which reminds me, I need to write up the description and send it over.
• A newsletter – I promised people I’d write one, and I think it’s a good way to keep myself on task. Though it doesn’t give me any financial return, I think it might be a way to stay in touch with my fans (I have fans?) outside of Twitter and send them relevant updates
• Finishing the book of course and finding a lovely, sweet publisher to share it with the masses. Oh dear sweet publisher, you are out there somewhere, aren’t you?
• A writing piece on modern marriage for Filament magazine.
• More video diaries for the documentary we’re in. (right now I’ve barely done any.)
• Attending Poly Pride in NYC this October.
• Plan a conference on sex and relationships in Toronto next year. I don’t know if this is feasible but it’s something that I think this city, country even is lacking. I see so many great things happening across the US and I think we need to find a focus up here. Maybe I’ll ask my mentor what the focus of that conference should be!

Oh right … they’re a cat.

It’s also made harder when I hear that the situation at my last job has improved. The people are happier and things seem to be moving along ok. Of course I’m really happy for my old coworkers and the new guy that took my old job but on those days when I’m thinking of my disappearing bank balance and feeling very unsure of my decision to take this on and try to be successful at I don’t even know what, it’s hard. It makes me mad that it couldn’t have gotten better while I was there. Maybe I would’ve stayed. I don’t know if I would have been able to finish the book while there, but I’d have had a steady paycheque.

Is that what matters? Most of the time I don’t think so, but then I see people with careers that they love and I wonder … what happened to me? Where did I go wrong?

Maybe I’m just behind the times, and finishing this book, getting into educating and possibly planning this conference IS where I’m supposed to be. Maybe people will think I’m smart and want me to speak about polyamory or cats or I don’t know, the Hitachi magic wand and what it can do for vagina.

So if you have any words of wisdom on book publishing or what you think I should do, I’m all ears. ALSO if you want to hire me to write for you, duh of course I’m interested in talking about that. It’s another distraction.

And in all seriousness, I am actually an ok coach and am more than happy to discuss your life. You can visit my website at www.samanthafraser.com.

Might as well keep life on track, even if it’s someone else’s.

In 2007 when I was dating the sous-chef, I know now that he was a total escape for me. Only 8 months into being open, Steph and I didn’t really know what we were doing – as . . . → Read More: Parachute]]>

Something I’ve realized lately: I don’t want to be anyone’s escape relationship. It makes me feel icky and kinda’ sad.

In 2007 when I was dating the sous-chef, I know now that he was a total escape for me. Only 8 months into being open, Steph and I didn’t really know what we were doing – as only experience can bring complete knowledge – so rather than talking about some issues, or even knowing they existed, I threw myself head first into my secondary relationship, which eventually scared him off. WAY off.

Thinking about it now I totally get the chef’s side. Knowing that someone enjoys being with me because we’re “easy” isn’t enough. I want to know that I’m awesome to them just as I am, not when held up against current or past relationships. Comparison is natural, we all do it, but I’m a big advocate of enjoying something for what it is, not because it is what something else isn’t.

I completely understand comparison dating. Non-monogamy allows us to find people that might be different then our current partner, should we have one. Husband doesn’t spank you? Find someone that does. Girlfriend won’t go to the game with you? Find someone that does.

Enjoy them for what they bring to you, but don’t treat them as your escape route because when the other person can see through it; well it’s just not very fun to be a parachute.

And every time I do that, I’m wrong.

Last weeks’ chat was a big one, and the focus was on sharing. Not of lovers, or bathroom time, but of our thoughts; what we’re thinking at any given . . . → Read More: Realizations: He IS In The Moment (ish)]]>

I always fool myself into thinking that after the last epic conversation that Steph and I have, there won’t be anymore.

And every time I do that, I’m wrong.

Last weeks’ chat was a big one, and the focus was on sharing. Not of lovers, or bathroom time, but of our thoughts; what we’re thinking at any given moment. Over the years of being open I’ve found myself drawn to people who comment on the things they observe in life. Sometimes, like Don, they have amazing powers of observation and memory retention – (though I’m sure not always in his home life!!) and make me feel on top of the world by saying something they’ve noticed, or intuitively knowing the next move.I’ve also seen first hand how others can react as Harvey once was taken aback and truly complimented when he understood how well I really knew him just by a few words that I said.

Sharing observations and thoughts about those around you and the world is important to me and it’s often gotten me down when Steph doesn’t do it. He appears to often live in a dum dee dum world, not being aware of the people around him. Turns out that isn’t the case, but there’s an absolute disconnect in what he’s thinking and what he puts out there.This is where I might start to sound like a whiny girl, so please just go along for the ride.

Steph’s pretty good at telling me; if I’ve fixed myself up and we’re heading out, “You look great tonight.” which is always appreciated. I’m very aware that there are other people who never hear those words from their partners so I am grateful for it. However … what I’d love to hear, and do hear from others, is all the in-between the compliments thoughts.

The private thoughts to himself where he might notice the softness of my skin, or the fullness of my lips. Those moments where he’s slightly taken aback by something that he loves about me. Something that, unless he actually says so, I’ll never know he’s thinking.

You’d assume that being with someone for so long, I would know when he’s thinking this stuff, but as he’s always kept his observations to himself, unless prompted, I’m often in the dark. I’m a big “enjoyer of moments” and it sometimes makes me sad when I think that he either isn’t or just doesn’t know how to express his feelings about them.

But we’re working on it!

The other thing that came up was his restlessness. We were sitting in the backyard, enjoying dinner and then suddenly like that … he was done. He gobbles up his food like nobody’s business where as I take a cue from my English roots and like to savor my food and time, content for my food to get cold. Once he’s finished though, his eyes start moving around, scanning the area anxiously and it stresses me out. Rather than just sitting there and being in that moment, he’s admitted to overanalyzing what to do next. “What should I do? What should I say?” It comes across in his facial expressions so much that I end up getting cranky; annoyed that we couldn’t just “be”.

Rather than worry about saying the right thing, or even saying anything at all, Steph knows now that I am perfectly content with silence sometimes. Or walking with no destination. (He’s always been anti-walking unless he’s got somewhere to go.) We don’t have to be doing anything important, sometimes just doing nothing is enough.

Other times we’ll want to do our own thing, and that’s cool too. We might both want to veg and be in our own heads. There’s nothing wrong with doing nothing separately, together. But if it’s happening because he’s stressing himself out about doing the wrong thing and then giving up because he can’t decide, that’s when I have a problem.

So at the end of the chat, which lasted off and on through out the day, we both had some things to work on. He’s going to try and be more proactive and tell me his thoughts. Even if he’s thinking some weird visual observation about his environment that will likely bore me. And I’m going to try to not be so bored … when he does because it’s practice for when he tells me other stuff.

Like … “Damn woman, bring that ass over here!”

Or, y’know … whatever.

Around the beginning of March Don and I got into a fight. The reason for the fight was kind of unrelated (translation: I’m not discussing it) to what ended up being my takeaway. In the over a year since we’ve known each other, . . . → Read More: Realizations: I own my calendar]]>

It’s been an interesting, yet kind of fucked up, past month in my brain.

Around the beginning of March Don and I got into a fight. The reason for the fight was kind of unrelated (translation: I’m not discussing it) to what ended up being my takeaway. In the over a year since we’ve known each other, we’d talk often about making a date and I’d leave my schedule open or even cancel plans with people, only to find out that he wasn’t really making an effort as much as he’d say he wanted to. Not that I blame him; it’s not like navigating open relationships is the easiest thing to do!

He admitted this during the fight; that more often than not he was going along with it, getting my hopes up but constantly lacking the follow through. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to hang out, but due to many reasons – I think one including a caution on his part – we didn’t as much as discussed.

So when we both realized this I kinda’ pulled away. I realized how much energy had been going into mentally prepping for scheduling time together and how spent it had been leaving me. It made me kinda’ sad, but also simply exhausted at the idea of being … exhausted.

Now that some time has passed, we’ve talked about it. Things were weird, but they’re getting back to a new normal now, which is great. Steph has also changed lately; I can’t put my finger on it but he seems to have matured (?) somehow. Pulling away from Don has also taken my head out of the clouds to allow me to see it more and I’m really enjoying Steph’s company lately, more so than ever before. It’s not that the want to hang out with Don, alone or with the four of us has lessened, but I have been hit over the head with the fact that there was a lot of over-promising and under-delivering and I need to own my part of that and not make myself so available all the time only to be disappointed. The other day I didn’t cancel plans with Harvey when I could’ve hung out with Steph and Don, and while it felt really weird and I had to deal with feeling kinda’ guilty, it was nice to have control over my calendar again.

When we hung out last night I noticed how the fight and aftershock has affected me and the two of us together, and it’s definitely for the better. Instead of thinking constantly that I better enjoy myself NOW because who knows how long it would be to get time alone again, I was able to just be really happy with the moments we were having.

That my friends, is a breakthrough 15 months in the making.

Met Another Frog is geared to urban women and offers stories, social commentary and ‘edutainment’ about:

My challenge? Explain the myths behind men cheating.

Read on, and let me know what . . . → Read More: Men Only Cheat When…]]>

Recently I was asked to write a guest blog post for Met Another Frog, about the myths behind men cheating.

Met Another Frog is geared to urban women and offers stories, social commentary and ‘edutainment’ about:

• dating and relationships
• love
• sex
• achieving personal satisfaction on one’s own terms

My challenge? Explain the myths behind men cheating.

Read on, and let me know what you think.

Men only cheat when they’re unhappy partners, or with women who are better looking than you.

What you just read, is a partial myth. It’s an easy one to live with as the reasons are so easy to understand and therefore ignore. Not happy? Then of course he’ll stray. Better looking than you? Well honey, you just never stood a chance. Don’t blame yourself.

The fact is that men cheat for many other reasons, and today, I’m going to shed some light on the issue by breaking some of them down for you. Why am I qualified? Well I’ve been in an open relationship for three and a half years and for almost three of those I’ve had an “undefinable” relationship with a married man. He loves his wife dearly, and despite the unforgivable lies and deceit, he’s a very caring and respectable husband. It can happen.

Reason #1 – He Feels Ignored

I believe that a large percentage of everything that men do is guided by ego; not to say that’s a bad thing. Society grows our men up with the idea that they need to be tough and ready to handle anything; but when it comes to relationships – personal or business – men can be as sensitive as us girls. If a man feels he’s being ignored and another woman gives him a little attention; it’s a hard thing to resist. You might think that this is the same as being unhappy, but I believe that because there are so many layers to the word “unhappy”, we shouldn’t use it as a blanket statement.

Reason #2 – “I’m Proud Of You”

Without proper care a long-term relationship can sometimes wear a man down. Years of “Can you take out the garbage?”, “Did you pick up the milk?” and “I have a headache” can easily lead to two partners living as roommates, without much of a romantic connection. When all a man hears from his SO is nagging, nagging, and wait for it ladies…still more nagging, the appeal of another woman telling him that he’s doing something right is virtually irresistible.

Often times the ‘other women’ aren’t any better looking the partners of the men who cheat. These men aren’t with them for looks alone. They’re with them because they feed their egos. A man yearns to be praised by his woman, to sense and feel her admiration for him: so much so that he’ll chase the feeling – straight into another woman’s arms.

Reason #3 – He’s Not Built For Monogamy

Maybe I’m biased, but I don’t believe monogamy is natural for everyone. It certainly isn’t for me, though I do follow my own personalized version of it, and since opening up my relationship I’ve met many men who feel the same way. They love their partners deeply, but want to experience sex with many other people. Since non-monogamy is still not widely accepted by society, these men often have difficulty broaching the topic with their mates. The brave few who do raise the subject are usually shut down by wives or girlfriends, who are adamantly against it. So, many men who love their partners, don’t want to lose them, and also long to experience sex with others, find themselves stuck with only one option – cheating. The men who take this route aren’t necessarily falling out of love with their partners. They’re just selfish, scared and/or unwilling to disrupt their family lives.

Reason #4 – He’s a Little Kinky

Some men like to have a kinky secret that is set apart from their relationship – something their partners know nothing about. These men may have tried to share their kinky side with their SOs only to find that their female partners don’t want to be choked or see them wearing a collar and a leash.  But if a man’s kinky habit is a big part of who he is, he’ll have trouble denying it. For men like this, cheating will always appear to be the best option.

Reason # 5 – Cheating Is The Norm

Despite the fact that cheating is wrong and there’s isn’t really any good excuse for it, it really is the norm. We humans have been cheating since time immemorial. Also, with the media constantly bombarding us with celebrity sex scandals and tales of infidelity, I think many of us are starting to expect it. Few of these reports tackle the reasons why people cheat. Instead they spin something like Tiger Woods’ philandering into a sex addiction – one he can’t control without help – and avoid discussing the lack of honest communication or the weak emotional connection he probably faced in his marriage. Furthermore, the fact that in 2010 it’s still more acceptable to admit to being a cheater than to say you’re in a healthy and happy polyamorous/swinging relationship, is proof that infidelity is more accepted by society than we’d like to admit.

Sadly, if we ALL don’t make an effort to improve the way we communicate and behave in our relationships, people will continue to cheat and hurt the ones they love the most. We ALL need to take responsibility for opening up to our partners about what we’re really feeling. So, be honest with yourself and your mate about what you need to make your relationship work for you, and why you think you’re not getting it at home.

Read the post on the Met Another Frog site by clicking here.

Though it’s not always hard.

It can give you everything you’ve ever wanted.

Sometimes a whole lot less. Sometimes a whole lot more.

It can be about freedom and doing as you like, while on other days, hard compromise and sacrifice.

You’ll work your ass off to communicate your wants. Your needs. Your desires.

And along the way . . . → Read More: An Essay on Non-Monogamy]]>

It’s not always easy.

Though it’s not always hard.

It can give you everything you’ve ever wanted.

Sometimes a whole lot less. Sometimes a whole lot more.

It can be about freedom and doing as you like, while on other days, hard compromise and sacrifice.

You’ll work your ass off to communicate your wants. Your needs. Your desires.

And along the way you might just want to stop talking and give up.

I know I have.

I know I will again.

You might wonder why it’s worth it.

The insecurities. The envy. The effort.

The heartaches. The anxieties. The grief.

And on another day you might be in a naked pile with people you’ve just met.

Or people you’d never want to lose.

Compliments might flow a little easier off your lips or into your ears.

And when you wake up in the morning you’ll feel more loved than ever before.

Your mouth might avoid compliments, and lash out at someone instead.

In anger. Or in fear.

If you’re lucky, you’ll realize early on that it’s not all flowers and bunnies.

That knowledge will eventually make you stronger.

Sometimes you’ll be home alone while everyone else has sparks flying around them.

And you might wonder “What’s wrong with me?”

But you know deep down the answer is Nothing. You are beautiful.

Maybe you’ll discover a new craving that only a certain man or woman can fulfill.

Or maybe you’ll realize how many people can do that thing, that oh so good thing.

That oh so very, very good thing.

You could be irrational when someone asks something of you today.

And tomorrow you’ll be offering what they want before they part their lips.

One day you might feel so small and insignificant.

The next you’ll be on top of the world.

It will be a roller coaster, of that there is no doubt.

If it all goes well, the best you’ll ever know.

We'd be sexier than this. Faster too!

Me. Samantha. *Slut of the North with a love for both the boy and the girl parts said no to fucking Steph and Ruby.

And how I handled it was interesting to me:

It was a long day at work. Every day is  a long day . . . → Read More: Threesome tonight? No thanks. Wait, what??]]>

Tonight I refused a threesome.

We'd be sexier than this. Faster too!

Me. Samantha. *Slut of the North with a love for both the boy and the girl parts said no to fucking Steph and Ruby.

And how I handled it was interesting to me:

It was a long day at work. Every day is  a long day at work, really. I end the day with a head and back ache, cranky and wanting to be just about anywhere else but mainly at home. Steph had plans to go to the ‘rippers with Ruby, and I was going home to blog (oops) and open some bills. Instead of blogging I hung out with the Drapers, which was nice, but by the time they left I just wanted needed alone time.

It’s very rare that I actually need alone time, away from people besides Steph. Usually, I can handle being with people I love for every hour of the day taking time to myself when I have to (ie: for blogging), but not just because. Tonight though, I was just done with the day, so I let him know, apologizing to the two of them for the lack of shenanigans as we had previously planned on.

He said there wasn’t any pressure and that she really wanted to come over. I totally wanted her to; I mean I do dig on this girl, but the idea of having to clean up, fix my very tired looking face and be “on” wasn’t working for me. And my lovely husband being his lovely self said that was totally ok, and no pressure at all.

And then he texted asking if I’d mind them fooling around in another room.

It took everything I had not to murder him through the phone. First of all, we only do things with other people when one of us is drunk and / or passed out, and / or it’s approved as ok much more ahead of time. NOT when one person had a bad day and would rather get a hug than have to pretend things aren’t happening in the other room. It’s just how we work being poly in this house, at this time.

But I held my tongu … texting finger. I said that I would indeed mind and then he suggested they go to her place. (Not an option, earlier in the eve.) Instead of being the super bitch that I sometimes can turn into when he says something to hurt my feelings, I put it aside. I said we would talk about it later and I told him to enjoy himself, meaning it. He agreed.

To make sure there was no misunderstanding about how I was feeling I let him know that, while I’d like him to be here to snuggle with, I was also perfectly ok with him being out having fun. And if logistically it made sense for him to spend the night, I’m ok with that. He said he might take a cab or try for the last subway, so if he does come home I still don’t expect him home for at least an hour and that’s alright with me.

All of this got me suddenly noticing how easy it had become. Maybe it’s because we’re both dating Ruby and there’s no question to me about the fact that I’m included, should I want to be. Or maybe it’s that both Steph and I have matured. We’ve finally figured out poly after 3 and a half years. I’m ok with him being out because I trust that we’ll be able to talk about any of the little details that sometimes fuck it all up, should that be necessary.

I always say that jealousy is an onion and when you peel mine down what you’ll find, besides a little standard insecurity, envy and possessiveness is a strong desire to be respected, emotionally and logistically. It’s always been the little details that have fucked us up and we both know it.

So for now, I’m just glad he’s having fun and that I’ve been able to do my own thing tonight.

(I suspect this new feeling of calm may stem from the chat we had last night about our sex life and how we’re going to fix some things that are missing. That was meant to be the blog post tonight but … well it wasn’t. It’ll come soon and then you’ll get the whole picture. I promise or you can have my favorite pair of socks.)

*Ok, so Slut of the North; that’s an exaggeration. It was just fun to type.

Enjoy this prehistoric threesome now.

And as much as I . . . → Read More: Realization: My own practical demons]]>

Since writing the post ‘Realizations: I Just Wanna’ Have Fun’ I’ve realized something. Where Steph has often cited cost and practicality for reasons that we don’t try new things, events, places, etc. … I’ve always – in my own mind – cited the need for sleep as a reason not to fuck.

And as much as I love getting some real sleep, especially since I often have so much trouble getting it, that’s just a dumb way to be says I.

I’d happily stay up all night with Kitty, Don or Betty, Don AND Betty as we’ve done before in the past, and then the next day be exhausted and in pain but oh boy am I happy! That should occasionally trickle over into my marriage, shouldn’t it?? Sure it won’t happen all the time and we will occasionally cite the need to sleep as a reason to wait because, well fuck … we’re married, not newlyweds, but the grand hammer of “Go to sleep, you can always fuck tomorrow.” needs to put itself back in the shed occasionally and let us go ahead and get the fuck on.

Like the other day when we didn’t get home until around 2:15 but didn’t go to sleep until 3:30. We may have been sleepy the next day but it was definitely worth it.

In conclusion; a message for Practicality. Go find another house to bore … sometimes.