Not Your Mothers Playground» Love

I Ain’t No Poster Child

samantha — Mon, 19 Dec 2011 19:19:28 +0000

When I first started this blog I never wanted to be a poster child for non-monogamy. Sure, I’ve enjoyed what limited “fame” I’ve achieved (if you can call it that), but I don’t aspire to be the go to person when the media needs someone to talk to. That being said, I’m always happy to share my experiences – expecting, and somewhat demanding that people take them with a grain of salt. I was more than happy to oblige when David Paterson from The Grid wanted to come to my sexuality conference in November called Playground. The fact that anyone from a media outlet was interested in what I had created, well that had me pretty chuffed.

David mentioned to me at some point before or after my Playground Non-Monogamy 101 workshop that he would be interested in doing a piece on non-monogamy where I would be featured. I’ve said yes to similar pieces in the past and had a great feeling about both him and the girl who called me a few days after my initial interview to “fact check”.

That article can be found here. To be honest, the only issue that I have with it is that it seems to focus on the fact that – a few months into non-monogamy I struggled extra with the little details – like the visual cue of my husband’s date’s wine glass being left behind in my kitchen. When we were relatively fresh other people fuckers, silly shit like that was hard to handle. So I share those stories with other people because those are the things that threw me for a loop back in the day. A few commenters on the article have latched onto the wine glass story, suggesting that if I’m not comfortable with that then I must not really be happy with non-monogamy at all.

And this is a mild challenge I always see that, for the most part, I ignore. There are a lot of assumptions out there about open relationships. First of all, people will often react strongly when they hear someone is in one. “Isn’t that hard? What about jealousy? What if you fall in love?”. On the flip side however, if I suggest mySELF that non-monogamy is hard and that sometimes those questions can have really tough answers, then I obviously must not be happy with it. It’s not a practice that we should continue if there’s any hint that it’s sometimes challenging to have your partner fuck someone else and not you.

*blink* #sarcasm

I find this attitude so ridiculous which is why I will constantly strive to be honest when discussing open relationships. I would make a terrible happy poster child because I don’t just talk about the good on this site (and at my workshops), I also talk about the bad, and the ugly. Maybe I need to talk more about the good, which is a fair point. It’s always so much easier to talk about something challenging that we learned from instead of something easy that we just breezed right through. However in the interest of clarity, I will list a few points here that maybe I haven’t said in some time.

Just as all of our time together has evolved – as we’ve gotten older / had new experiences / grown closer – so has the non-monogamous side to our marriage. There are many things that are much easier to deal with now – 5 years in, but were very definitely challenging at first – like the wine glass example from The Grid article.
Non-monogamy ISN’T always easy. Whether you’re in it as a swinger or poly, it requires a lot of you and a lot of your partner and can be very challenging. Denying that it’s tough sometimes would be doing a disservice to anyone that was thinking of trying it.
Fucking other people isn’t the only benefit to being open, which is something I try to stress all the time. It’s certainly a huge one, but there are countless other personal benefits on top of sexy fun.
Acknowledging the desire to be selfish and do things for yourself is healthy. It’s how you choose to handle those feelings that dictate whether or not you are an asshole. I recently went out and splurged some money on new (needed) clothes and a hair-do because I wanted it for me. It’s not that I didn’t want something good for Steph as well – he’s free to shop all he likes! – but this didn’t concern him as I am my own person, with my own needs.
While I certainly don’t think that we were headed down a path to divorce (at the time of opening up), I feel 100% certain that opening up our marriage was the best thing for our future as it has brought us more self-awareness, more confidence and more understanding of each other.
Steph and I are more in love with one another, each and every day. As we grow and experience life together, our bond is constantly growing.
I was never a “forever” person and now – as I see what a strong “team” we are – I am much more that way inclined.
I admit it and I KNOW it’s hypocritical, but it is much easier for me to be with other people than it is for me when Steph is. Does me admitting that it’s sometimes difficult mean that I can’t be ok with it happening? Of course not. Compromise / happiness and unconditional love are things that matter very much to me and I will work through my issues because they are just that – my issues. Sometimes you’ll read about them here too. That’s kinda’ the point of this blog. You know, the diary-esque site you’re reading right now that has my feelings in it.
Despite other people’s objections that Steph and I are stomping all over the “traditional definition” of marriage, blah blah blah … we feel, deep down, that we are very, very married. We still make all of our household decisions together. We travel together. We support each other when we’re sick. We buy groceries at one of the local stores whose name he always forgets. We share many bills. We get into married sex ruts. We burp and fart around each other. We take our cats to the vet. We hang out with our friends, separately and as a couple. Many of them are hetero normative, living “normal”, traditional, happy lives, and some are queer and challenging social norms because it makes them happy to do so. And sometimes we hang out with our friends that we sleep with.
Being open has certainly brought us a little heartache over the years; me more so than him because I tend to get more involved with people emotionally, but he is right there beside me as it happens.
Being open has also brought us more love. We have a bond between us that no one can break. We have people in our life that we likely would not have met without this lifestyle that we love like family and I can’t imagine not having around.

I don’t fool myself into thinking for one minute that the people that think we are awful, horrible, delusional, promiscuous heathens will ever understand. For those that feel offended by our lifestyle choices I am sorry. Not to you, but for you for having to worry about something that doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of YOUR time on this planet. For those that expect open relationships to be sunshine, light and orgies, I wish you good luck. I will be over here, hugging my husband, wishing the world love and cleaning up my wine glasses because we are fine and happy together knowing how important silly little details can be.

Why Playground? Why Now?

samantha — Sat, 20 Aug 2011 03:14:55 +0000

When I first had the idea for Playground around the end of last summer, I had a lot more time on my hands. I had quit my job a few months prior to finish working on my non-monogamy guide book – which I promise to finish sooooon – and had seemingly all the time in the world to plan a small sexuality conference. I had plenty of event experience from my time as a wedding planner and working for a digital media events company, now I just needed to branch out from behind my laptop screen and meet the people that would fill my stage.

I was noticing more and more sexuality / sex / relationship based events on Twitter, happening all over the States and found myself baffled at why we here in Toronto didn’t really have any events that could be considered all-inclusive. I envied the population size of America and how it seemed so easy to fill an event space with sex-positive folk from multiple backgrounds. But why should a smaller population mean that we couldn’t have open talks about sexuality for all?

It didn’t and so Playground was born.

As I was beginning to plan and form an advisory team, I was excited to watch the plans for the very successful Momentum 2011 in Washington, D.C. take shape. I was beginning to see and read about the types of discussions that people were interested in having around sex, sexuality and relationships and wanted to continue that dialogue here. Toronto is a wonderfully sex-positive, culturally diverse city where there is an event to be found for every interest. If you’ve got a fetish or want to find the community for you, you can find it here.

So why the need for this event? And why me?

I’m not under any false impressions; I’m but an up and comer on the sex-positive scene, but in between my full time job in digital media, life coaching and workshop teaching I am throwing myself into this plan. As someone who dabbles a little bit here and there in many sex-positive communities, I wanted to create a space for others like me. Others who want to engage in dialogue and learn something new (or something old!) from some of the best names in the industry.

After meeting many of these amazing educators at Momentum this past April, I am thrilled to be bringing the conversation to Toronto this November. I hope that you are as excited as I am to have the walls of the Gladstone Hotel busting at the seams with so much sex-positive goodness!

Early bird tickets are on sale now. Rates go up September 5th!

Kisses, hugs and licks.
Samantha
~Playground Executive Producer

Gooooooo Team!

samantha — Mon, 06 Jun 2011 04:28:28 +0000

For whatever reason, there’s been a lot of chat lately between friends, strangers and I about my relationship with my husband and I’ve been doing some thinking about things I’ve known for years. Questions that I’ve been asked have caused me to reflect on where we are now.

I’ve been thinking about he and I, and he and other people and myself and other people. I’ve wondered about being “enough” for him and what he gets out of relationships with other people that I can’t give him. And then I stop myself because I know the answers.

What he gets from others is the opportunity to hang out and be with them. They add value to his life by being who they are, not because they are “not me”, though that’s certainly an obvious statement. It just kinda’ goes without saying. They might click differently than we do, but that doesn’t take away from whatever we have together. And if it highlights something in us that isn’t working so well, while it’s tough to accept, once you overcome it, it can be a catalyst to work on problems within, together.

It’s tough to feel good for your partner being happy elsewhere when you’re going through things yourself. I’ve dealt with my fair share of insecurities or other relationship issues and trying to turn my own inner attention away from “me me me” and recognizing what we both need is challenging, but necessary.

And really, it doesn’t matter if you’re open or not. Whoever you are, it’s important to remember that, if you’re in a relationship, you are part of a team of more than one person. You have your needs and desires, but so does the other person. Not everything will go according to plan and not everything will go according to what makes you happy, first. But can there be happiness in compromise?

Absolutely. The strength we get by gaining control of our insecurities and owning them can help us come to the table with a clear mind and a clear heart. When we know that something is holding us back or causing us to feel pain, we can stand up for our rights, ask to be respected, but also be open to hearing why someone else may feel differently than we do and learn a new viewpoint to things that previously were quite self focused. When we feel insecure about not being a person’s everything we can reach out and ask for reassurance. We can be reminded of our value and our importance in each other’s lives.

My happiness is not based on if Steph chooses to be with just me or with other people, but instead it’s based on the life that we build, together. Ensuring that we are respected team players, secure in the knowledge that we support each other as individuals and as partners.

All-inclusive: Not just for margaritas

samantha — Wed, 04 May 2011 03:35:41 +0000

I really like the concept of ‘community’ in theory. I know there are countless people out there who have felt lost, alone, strange, weird, etc. until they stumbled upon a group of like-minded souls. Kindred spirits who would embrace them into their circle with open arms. “You no longer have to feel alone”, they might say to one another.

For many, the fight against oppression, prejudice, sexism, suffering and homophobia gives the individual an extra sense of “home” plus instant allies in the war against ignorance. These alliances are valuable and certainly something to hold dear.

Communities pop up for many reasons and in the sexuality sphere one exists for pretty much everything. If you can think it, a group has formed around it somewhere. For those with specific interests like kink for example, it makes sense that a movement is created around events, similar fetishes and social interaction. People of like minds come together to share life experiences in a safe, hopefully non judgmental environment. It’s human nature to want this.We welcome like minded people into our inner circles because they share our interests or theories about sexuality and the world with us. Of course I’m going to get along well with the polyamorous, tattooed, rockabilly girl because we like many of the same things. And of course some of the hardcore non-monogamists may find themselves dismissing monogamy as a viable lifestyle style.

So what of those that may not like everything that we do? Can they still join our inner circles even if they are newbs or get a completely different kick out of say, balloons than we do? The idea of sexual positivity and welcoming people in with open arms is often easier said than done. Unfortunately what many encounter might end up closer to “Oh, you’re into that? Well that’s not what I’m into, so obviously that’s pretty weird.”

For a community made up of inclusive … communities, we certainly can be pretty exclusive sometimes.

Some might respond by suggesting that this isn’t a problem. That separation by interest is perfectly natural and necessary for society to sustain itself. There is a reason that ‘cliques’ form in high school; it helps to establish expectations and unsaid understandings amongst both their participants and rejects.

I never worked well with cliques in high school. I often found myself jumping around, having a few friends in various groups, never settling on one set. The same can be used to describe my sexuality. I dabble in kink. I’m non-monogamous. I’m bi-sexu.., queer. I’m into gender bending yet sometimes pretty hetero-normative. Choosing one community to become a part of is not something that feels natural to me and I don’t really dig on “settling down” with just one. Am I greedy to want variety? Perhaps, but I would rather remain sex-positive and include in my life a wide mix of people with different backgrounds; from vanilla hetero-normatives to lifestyle kinksters to activists and so on.

There is no denying that I still gravitate to those that perhaps I have the most in common with but my personal neighborhood simply asks for mutual respect, understanding and peace for people with differing viewpoints and backgrounds to become a part of it.

Communities have their place, but we also need to come together and realize that we can all exist under one sex positive umbrella and still remain individuals. By embracing our differences we can learn what makes each other tick. We can expose ourselves to new ways of thinking, new and different approaches to love, sex and relationships that may have never crossed our path had we stayed in our little bubbles.

For those of you that are interested in experiencing a multi-faceted view of sexuality and relationships, I hope you will join me and many other wonderful sex-positive people at Playground, happening this November 4th through 6th at the Gladstone Hotel in Toronto.

P.S. Kind of related … I highly recommend the show called “Community” with Joel McHale and Chevy Chase. No, it has nothing to do with anything I just wrote above, but yes, it is fucking funny.

The Only Girl in the World (In Bed)

samantha — Wed, 24 Nov 2010 16:43:19 +0000

(Note: A comment discussion has led me to realize I should have been more specific and mention the fact that I’m talking about naked, sexy times only in this post. Those moments when you lose yourself in the sweat, the moans and the feel of skin against skin. Hopefully this clears things up a bit.)

I admit it. There are some top 40 songs this year that have caught the attention of my hips; more so than usual. While my musical tastes are usually really varied, there’s something about 2010 club music that has my ass shaking. And while most of the time the messages are empty and the lyrics ridiculous, one song has me thinking and applying it to non-monogamy.

The song? Rihanna’s “Only Girl In The World”. When I first heard it I found something entrancing about the way she was singing, well belting really. After a while though, I started listening to the words and felt a connection to the sentiment.

“I want you to make me feel like I’m the only girl in the world.”

I don’t care how polyamorous I am or how much I (try to) support lovers having other lovers. When we’re not sharing a laugh over a drink or online, talking about our community together, but instead are in the bedroom and it’s just the two of us, I want to be the only one that matters. Even if it’s just for that night, that afternoon, that 10 minutes. In whatever time we have together, it’s all about us.

Sure, it requires a lot of compartmentalizing to focus on the task / person at hand sometimes but it is what you project and share with your lover that matters. How many people are fucking their partners while they’re fantasizing about somebody else? It’s an impossible question to answer really, but what matters is that they take the energy that they feel in their fantasies and bring it to their partners, encouraging them to feel sexy and important.

I’m under no illusions that I am the only one, even in my marriage. Selfishly, in every relationship I have, I wish I was the only one to some degree but I’m not running a harem, as much as I do very much like that idea. Just make me feel like I’m the only girl in the world and let’s enjoy this ride together.

Lyrics:

[VERSE 1]
I want you to love me, like I’m a hot pie
Keep thinkin’ of me, doin’ what you like
So boy forget about the world cuz it’s gon’ be me and you tonight
I wanna make your bed for ya, then imma make you swallow your pride

[CHORUS]
Want you to make me feel like I’m the only girl in the world
Like I’m the only one that you’ll ever love
Like I’m the only one who knows your heart
Only girl in the world…
Like I’m the only one that’s in command
Cuz I’m the only one who understands how to make you feel like a man

Want you to make me feel like I’m the only girl in the world
Like I’m the only one that you’ll ever love
Like I’m the only one who knows your heart
Only one…

[VERSE 2]
Want you to take me like a thief in the night
Hold me like a pillow, make me feel right
Baby I’ll tell you all my secrets that I’m keepin’, you can come inside
And when you enter, you ain’t leavin’, be my prisoner for the night

[BRIDGE]
Take me for a ride
Oh baby, take me high
Let me make you first
Oh make it last all night

Take me for a ride
Oh baby, take me high
Let me make you first
Make it last all night

Bisexuality: My Story

samantha — Wed, 13 Oct 2010 04:41:06 +0000

It’s easy to join a dating site and list yourself as bisexual. There’s no rule that says what that has to mean – and there shouldn’t be. You might be open to kissing girls. You might be open to dating them just as you would guys.

It’s hard for me to say if I was single if I would ever end up in a relationship with a woman. I think if I did it would have to be open because, to be honest, I love dick too much! Not that I’ve done any scientific testing on the matter at all, but I like to say I’m a 2.78 on the Kinsey Scale. I’m almost in the middle, but leaning slightly more toward the dudes. That doesn’t mean I don’t love the ladies though.

What I'd give for some alone time with Christina .....

I’ll backtrack to give you my girly history. My first girl love moment happened when I was 17. I ended up playing drunk strip poker, which turned into drunk truth or dare – (I know. HOW CLICHE AM I, RIGHT??) with two girls I worked with at Tim Hortons’ and the boyfriend of one of the girls. Next time I was drunk with a boy I was in love with, and a girlfriend who fucked him behind my back. (Grr.) Again .. truth or dare. He ignored me and passed out, so she grabbed me by the vagina to console me. There really is no better way to describe that moment.

Until some crazy parties at our house in 2005, there wasn’t much more happening until spin the bottle took over.

And yes, if you’re asking yourself if it’s possible for one girl to use so many cliché “games” to get with chicks, I’ll tell you right now, yes. Yes it is.

I remember the first couple that we were with. We went out dancing and she and I were grinding against each other when she whispered in my ear how much she wanted to go down on me. We went back to our place and got right to it in the basement before asking the boys to join us. (Coincidentally our first group sex moment.) She and I had some separate girl dates after that, and I remember them fondly.

A few months later in 2007, I was on a date with a lovely (still) friend of mine. She walked me to Ossington Station and we kissed goodbye outside. I was so aware of the fact that I was kissing a girl, in public. It was a lovely moment, and the train ride home was filled with plenty of head in the cloud type thoughts, but it was still not something I was immediately comfortable with as I hadn’t yet embraced public, bisexual Samantha. Just behind closed doors, bisexual Samantha.

Realizing that they could be the same person was hard to reconcile. Learning about the community in Toronto has certainly been helpful but it’s still not tough to feel some judgment when identifying as bisexual. I get the “best of both worlds”. Throw in the fact that I’m polyamorous and the resentment claws can come out. People think that I just have access to waaaaay too much cake.

I’m not going to apologize though for enjoying people. I love the firm touch of a man and the soft touch of a woman. I love genitals, male or female – I really do! I love a short hair cut on a man, and too much hair getting in the way on a girl. I’m growing more and more attracted to gender-benders and in addition to having a thing for femme girls with curves and tattoos (I know, it seems slightly narcissistic to me too), I have a thing for skinny butch girls with short hair, especially in suits.

And I have a thing for men wearing suits too. Or construction boots.

One thing I have realized, and maybe this has to do with my imaginary 2.78 Kinsey score, while personality is often more important to me than looks when it comes to men; with girls, the physical attraction needs to be stronger or else I’m not really that interested. I can’t force it.

The one thing I still haven’t really figured out is dating women. A few years ago I was out on a few dates with a now very good friend of mine. I had no idea how to read her – as she made it quite difficult. Did I kiss her? Did she want me to? Did I act chivalrous? Was it necessary? It seriously took me many months to really make a move and it certainly paid off, but seriously what the hell was the matter with me?

I suppose the same thing that’s the matter with me now. I don’t know how to date girls without instantly categorizing them in either a dominant or submissive role. Being with Kitty, who sadly lives too far away, was very easy as sexually with me she was very much like I am with a more dominant guy. This is dating math I could figure out! But what about when I’m dating someone? I know I really need to just be myself, but getting used to going with the flow and not knowing who’s going to make the first move makes me nervous with women. Having the dominant or submissive identifier is really handy. For the most part, I can understand dating men, at least when it comes to making a move, but maybe I haven’t been self-accepting of my own bisexuality long enough to have the confidence to just do it. Perhaps knowing that I’m going out with someone who has the same understanding of where the evening might go would be helpful, but I do love that element of surprise and I often rob myself of it by saying things like “I’d like to kiss you if that’s ok. Question mark. Question mark. Insert bashful, blabbering, embarrassing statement here”. I definitely wouldn’t hit on a girl without knowing 100% that she was into the idea of being with women.

I’m basically scared to try anything with girls. The past two female relationships I started did not turn out as I wanted. One girl in particular I longed to have as a girlfriend, and I’m pretty sure she felt the same. I was looking forward to hanging out with her, outside of the bedroom, perhaps holding hands and being “out” in public. She was fun, dirty, sweet and super cute. Sadly her boyfriend wasn’t happy with the fact that I wasn’t dating him too and she and I ended up losing touch which really bummed me out. I finally thought I had it figured out and then bam, gone.

So if you’ve read my last post, you know that I’m currently going through a “I’ve lost my mojo” phase. I need to be proactive and start figuring out if I want a girl or girls in my life and to what level. I miss girl kissing, girl dating and definitely girl sex. I miss certain man sex too, but the girls is something that maybe I have some control over if I just apply myself.

Being bisexual has never changed who I am. It’s only affected who I’m with and I’m finally not afraid to really admit it to you in detail. I’m not going to get into comparisons about if it’s harder to come out as gay or bi. The only story I have is my own and what I’ve realized along the way is that this is who I am, what I like to do and I don’t really give a fuck if people won’t like me as a result.

I love the men in my life to pieces and I also want to love the girls. That’s really all that’s left to say.

P.S. This post doesn’t include all the girls that I’ve dated. The point of it wasn’t to be a list, but to use some stories to illustrate points.

Relationships are HARD, yo!

samantha — Thu, 10 Jun 2010 16:59:44 +0000

It’s true. Relationships ARE hard … um, yo. It doesn’t matter if you’re dating or married or long-distance, dealing with another person (or people) while trying to live one life together with different personalities can be really, really challenging. Whether you love/fuck other people or remain monogamous, the grass can often appear so much greener on any other side compared to the one you’re on.

But is it really?

Complaining about our relationships is easy. Outside of our jobs, where we live or where we’re from, we are defined by them. When our situation isn’t fulfilling our every desire we bash it. We dis the relationship and the other person or people involved. Hopefully not behind their backs as that never solves anything, but complaining is often our natural instinct. Human nature is to focus on the bad first instead of the good. Think about gossiping with your friends. Most people share the dirt before they get to the “Oh yay, what great news!”

It’s tough when you’re in a long-term relationship to keep that spark alive. Our lives become a business with finances to deal with. Events to schedule. Houses to clean and laundry to wash. There is always something to do and it can be so easy to gravitate to the to-do list instead of romance, a date or even a quick fuck. Or towards someone else with whom you don’t have to do any household business with, besides getting busy.

We tend to forget that those we love are also our lovers. That they feel and dream and want just as we do. And the biggest trap that we can fall into? When we become the same person, ignoring our own and each other’s individuality.

It happened to Steph and I during the first 6 years of our relationship. We had become this amazing marital unit, wanting the same things and doing everything together. On paper it seemed great: each other’s “better half”. I don’t want to be in a relationship with half a person though, and I certainly don’t want to be known as just a half myself. As we opened up and discovered new personal identities, it was very challenging to accept that we had opinions that occasionally differed from each other’s.

Used to loving all the same things, or thinking we did because we had become complacent, we quickly realized that we each dealt with polyamory differently. I wasn’t as easy-going as he was. He wasn’t into the same things that I was. How could this be?? It didn’t make any sense to us at first or quite a long time after we first opened up. If I was feeling unloved, or my feelings hurt he didn’t understand. He wouldn’t feel that way if the roles were reversed, so obviously there was something wrong with me. And when he didn’t have the same slutty urges that I had, well obviously there was something wrong with him.

The shoe would never even fit on the other foot, never mind being good to walk a mile in.

We’d have to talk, and talk and talk. Then when we were done talking, we’d talk some more. This is what I mean by hard work. Talking is exhausting. Communicating your feelings, while listening and hearing someone else’s is tough. There is 100% no getting around that. Personally, I love it. Having a strong connection with someone because we’re able to push through issues and have intense, deep and challenging chats kinda’ gets my brain off. That might not be the case for you, but if you’re in an open relationship you’ve probably got no choice.

Here are some quick tips for relationship communication that can apply to anyone, non-monogamous or not:

Just because you like the same sushi place doesn’t mean you’re going to react the same way to things. YOU ARE NOT THE SAME PERSON!
It’s 100% ok for you to feel something that your partner doesn’t. And if your partner feels something and you don’t understand it, you don’t have to. All you need to do is acknowledge them. Let them know you support them feeling whatever it is they’re going through and do your best to help them deal with it.
On that note, ask how you can help. What might work to fix something for you could be completely different for them. Perhaps they don’t even want to fix it. I know that one might be weird to you fixers out there. Some of us are ok with being broken as long as we know we have a soft place to fall. Be that soft place!
Do not make the other person feel like an asshole for not being as emotionally strong as you are, or for needing more romance in their life than you do. You have different brain make-up. Don’t blame me, blame science!
Don’t whine about your needs. Understand that your partner is different and will do better if you explain it from your perspective without blaming them.
Support each other and try to learn: You might not get it at first, or at second … fuck, you might never get it, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try. Using the “we’re not the same person” explanation is definitely not an excuse to not try to grow with your partner.
If you say something, mean it. Your lover has every right to take the words from your mouth to be truth. If you don’t mean what you say, faking it will get you nowhere.

And finally for everyone’s sake, do not shut down. Accept the fact that communication is hard and suck it the hell up. I’m not saying you can’t have a successful-ish relationship without talking through your issues, but if they’re issues that really bother you, ignoring them or giving up isn’t going to make them go away. If you’ve convinced yourself that it doesn’t matter, then hey, more power to you (I guess?), but if you truly do want to fix them, then talking is kind of the only real way to do so. Once you get over that fact you might start to enjoy it.

Who knows? Maybe the conversations you have will make you both strive harder to find a solution or a common ground that works for all. A little bit of hard work can go one helluva long way and the rewards can be huge. A couple of years of intense chats later and Steph and I rarely need to have them anymore!

Which is good ‘cos really … relationships are hard, yo!

Through My Looking Glass

samantha — Tue, 27 Apr 2010 04:16:51 +0000

It’s been a while since I turned the mirror on myself for a little self-examination and I think I’m overdue so here goes.

Most of you already know. I’ve been in an open marriage for 3.5 years and it probably saved my relationship, or at the very least saved from a life of denying that I was unhappy when it truth I must have been when I think of how ridiculously happy I am now. (I mean it only makes sense!)I’ve gone from severe sluttery to love to brief BDSM relationships and back again. I’ve fallen in love at various levels on multiple occasions. I’ve drunkenly slept with friends, I’ve had strangers tie me up, I’ve been the crazy girl that’s been probably rightfully dumped and I’ve given so much of myself that I’ve lost focus and didn’t treat everyone as well as I could’ve. When I look back, it’s easy to skim over the memories, but holy shit it freaks me out when I really think about the past few years.

When I fell for the sous chef in 2007, I fell crazy hard. He was the first guy to affect me emotionally in a serious way. Looking back, it was the craziest lust I’d ever felt up to that point, but we were pushed into it … he didn’t own a couch. Lying down was the only option!! When he called things off, I went um, slightly off the deep end. In our relationship I had become the crazy one. My first official open marriage break-up and my brain imploded. I’d had no training for that, I was a total newb! It’s totally embarrassing when I look back on it.

Even after my first breakup the second big one with the Kids hit me really hard. There’s nothing like being helpless as someone tells you of their decision to change your life’s direction. Trying to hold it together at home as a wife while feeling like a freshly dumped single person is challenging beyond belief.

Luckily, there haven’t really been too many heartaches in our house. We’ve had some challenges, some situations that worked out not in our favor, and some people who have left our lives as quickly as they’ve come in but not with animosity. Or at least, not much.

Strangely, my longest relationship this entire time has been with Harvey. He’s cheating. I’m open. He’s a liar. I tell the truth so much I get myself in trouble. I have no excuse and neither does he, but I’m content with it because he means a lot to me.

And then there’s the current crew, and they’re not going anywhere. The Drapers are the “Forever” that the Kids never stood a chance at being. While it’s been an occasionally tumultuous year and a bit, my love for the two of them is constantly growing. And it seems that everyone’s individual relationships within the dynamic of the four of us are strengthening too, which is fantastic and lately we’ve had more individual dates. I don’t know if we’ll partake in any group nakedness again, or girl + girl, but I don’t worry about them not being around for a long time to come so who knows. As for other peeps, Kitty might not always be in my bedroom, but she’s a dear friend and kindred spirit for life. And the same goes for the rest of the crew. You know who you are.

Sadly there are some relationships that didn’t work out this year already. Some people I had hopes for getting closer with / sharing polyamory stories / sometime sharing beds with didn’t like me as I’d wished. Or did, but I fucked it up. Or maybe they do and I didn’t, but I’m too dumb to figure it all out so it’s gone in a completely different direction than I had hoped. I really don’t know, to be honest.

Such is life. I can only talk about it so much before I talk myself into a deep underground grave.

I think I’ve gotten a handle on it all now though, kind of. Steph and I are amazing. We deal with jealousy and time management with a lot more ease than when we first started. Our sex life has improved by a mile and we understand each other now. I mean, really understand each other.

When I look back at myself over the past few years, I know I’ve been the same person all the way through; I’m just so much more complete now. I’ve realized now how important it is to be with people who either aren’t newbs to the whole situation OR to have extra patience with those that are, if I want to be with them for any length of time.

If I look at my reflection in the looking glass now, I hope that it finally shows a woman who loves as much as she can, is one helluva dirty bitch, and is worth knowing, even if just a little or just for a while.

An Essay on Non-Monogamy

samantha — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 02:48:40 +0000

It’s not always easy.

Though it’s not always hard.

It can give you everything you’ve ever wanted.

Sometimes a whole lot less. Sometimes a whole lot more.

It can be about freedom and doing as you like, while on other days, hard compromise and sacrifice.

You’ll work your ass off to communicate your wants. Your needs. Your desires.

And along the way you might just want to stop talking and give up.

I know I have.

I know I will again.

You might wonder why it’s worth it.

The insecurities. The envy. The effort.

The heartaches. The anxieties. The grief.

And on another day you might be in a naked pile with people you’ve just met.

Or people you’d never want to lose.

Compliments might flow a little easier off your lips or into your ears.

And when you wake up in the morning you’ll feel more loved than ever before.

Your mouth might avoid compliments, and lash out at someone instead.

In anger. Or in fear.

If you’re lucky, you’ll realize early on that it’s not all flowers and bunnies.

That knowledge will eventually make you stronger.

Sometimes you’ll be home alone while everyone else has sparks flying around them.

And you might wonder “What’s wrong with me?”

But you know deep down the answer is Nothing. You are beautiful.

Maybe you’ll discover a new craving that only a certain man or woman can fulfill.

Or maybe you’ll realize how many people can do that thing, that oh so good thing.

That oh so very, very good thing.

You could be irrational when someone asks something of you today.

And tomorrow you’ll be offering what they want before they part their lips.

One day you might feel so small and insignificant.

The next you’ll be on top of the world.

It will be a roller coaster, of that there is no doubt.

If it all goes well, the best you’ll ever know.

Ready For Our Close-Ups: Modern Marriage and Us

samantha — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 17:52:36 +0000

Yesterday, months earlier than we were expecting, Steph and I were interviewed for the documentary we were asked to be in on modern marriage, that will air on CBC’s Doc Zone hopefully sometime early next year.

Not the usual décor for our living room!

Saying that it’s a little nervewracking to have a large camera in your face while you speak to intimate details about your marriage is a bit of an understatement but Steph and I held our own. The woman that we were being interviewed by, Sue, was lovely and calm and just let us talk when we wanted to keep going. If there’s one thing that Steph and I can do well, it’s talk. And talk. And talk some more. I like to think that’s one of the reasons our relationship, and open part of it, is so successful.

We talked about our relationship before we got married, why we ended up getting married, my time as a wedding planner and our open marriage as it works today. It was a bit difficult sometimes when talking about current relationships knowing that the show wouldn’t be aired for months and having no prediction on how the next year might pan out. Of course, this past year with the Drapers has been much more consistent than any relationships we’ve ever had since opening up, so I highly doubt / don’t plan on anything changing – unless for the better, if possible, but still we had to think in the future which was a bit weird when answering questions.

I also wanted to be careful to not say anything too strongly about swinging and polyamory and the lifestyles that other people choose. If there’s one thing I cannot stand it’s the polyamory police that like to believe there’s only one way of doing things and so I tried to stay away from that, saying more that this is what works for Steph and I, not other people. I think it’s best that people have their own takes on their own relationships as no one is living your life for you, but you.

It was important for us to show people that polyamory / swinging isn’t really always as alternative as you might think it is. That we still deal with normal things like bills and groceries and going to IKEA and Home Depot; though admittedly nowhere near as much as we used to.

So while we talked about sex with other people, we actually seemed to speak more about practicality. How time management works within our open relationship. How the little logistical details can sometimes get in the way of sexy fun times and how they often mean the most. We realized after the camera stopped rolling just how boring* we’ve become in 3 and half years of being open. In the beginning it was all genitals and more genitals, and then with experience it’s just become another aspect of our lives that we have to manage well to be happy.

At the end of the day, that’s what we wanted to get out of this filming experience. We wanted to show that “normal people” (normal on the surface anyway) can take the traditional institution of marriage, combine it with an un-traditional lifestyle such as swinging or polyamory and be successful at it, with a little elbow grease. Or sometimes a lot of elbow grease. Fucking other people and knowing how to handle it is something that we’ve learned to deal with, just like we’ve learned how to do our finances together.

Don’t get me wrong as I’m not trying to take the sexy out of the situation. For those that know me well, they know I’m one of the perviest people on the planet and would be getting into as much sexy trouble as I could if my current relationships were set up that way. Dirty should have been my middle name. (I guess Leigh was prettier?) Over the years of being in this situation though we’ve learned that being open isn’t just a fad to us, it’s a part of who we are and talking about the practical side of how we make fucking other people work is exactly how we like to look at our modern marriage.

*Just kidding, I don’t really think we’re boring. Steph and I just like to say that as a joke.