Not Your Mothers Playground» Marriage

I Ain’t No Poster Child

samantha — Mon, 19 Dec 2011 19:19:28 +0000

When I first started this blog I never wanted to be a poster child for non-monogamy. Sure, I’ve enjoyed what limited “fame” I’ve achieved (if you can call it that), but I don’t aspire to be the go to person when the media needs someone to talk to. That being said, I’m always happy to share my experiences – expecting, and somewhat demanding that people take them with a grain of salt. I was more than happy to oblige when David Paterson from The Grid wanted to come to my sexuality conference in November called Playground. The fact that anyone from a media outlet was interested in what I had created, well that had me pretty chuffed.

David mentioned to me at some point before or after my Playground Non-Monogamy 101 workshop that he would be interested in doing a piece on non-monogamy where I would be featured. I’ve said yes to similar pieces in the past and had a great feeling about both him and the girl who called me a few days after my initial interview to “fact check”.

That article can be found here. To be honest, the only issue that I have with it is that it seems to focus on the fact that – a few months into non-monogamy I struggled extra with the little details – like the visual cue of my husband’s date’s wine glass being left behind in my kitchen. When we were relatively fresh other people fuckers, silly shit like that was hard to handle. So I share those stories with other people because those are the things that threw me for a loop back in the day. A few commenters on the article have latched onto the wine glass story, suggesting that if I’m not comfortable with that then I must not really be happy with non-monogamy at all.

And this is a mild challenge I always see that, for the most part, I ignore. There are a lot of assumptions out there about open relationships. First of all, people will often react strongly when they hear someone is in one. “Isn’t that hard? What about jealousy? What if you fall in love?”. On the flip side however, if I suggest mySELF that non-monogamy is hard and that sometimes those questions can have really tough answers, then I obviously must not be happy with it. It’s not a practice that we should continue if there’s any hint that it’s sometimes challenging to have your partner fuck someone else and not you.

*blink* #sarcasm

I find this attitude so ridiculous which is why I will constantly strive to be honest when discussing open relationships. I would make a terrible happy poster child because I don’t just talk about the good on this site (and at my workshops), I also talk about the bad, and the ugly. Maybe I need to talk more about the good, which is a fair point. It’s always so much easier to talk about something challenging that we learned from instead of something easy that we just breezed right through. However in the interest of clarity, I will list a few points here that maybe I haven’t said in some time.

Just as all of our time together has evolved – as we’ve gotten older / had new experiences / grown closer – so has the non-monogamous side to our marriage. There are many things that are much easier to deal with now – 5 years in, but were very definitely challenging at first – like the wine glass example from The Grid article.
Non-monogamy ISN’T always easy. Whether you’re in it as a swinger or poly, it requires a lot of you and a lot of your partner and can be very challenging. Denying that it’s tough sometimes would be doing a disservice to anyone that was thinking of trying it.
Fucking other people isn’t the only benefit to being open, which is something I try to stress all the time. It’s certainly a huge one, but there are countless other personal benefits on top of sexy fun.
Acknowledging the desire to be selfish and do things for yourself is healthy. It’s how you choose to handle those feelings that dictate whether or not you are an asshole. I recently went out and splurged some money on new (needed) clothes and a hair-do because I wanted it for me. It’s not that I didn’t want something good for Steph as well – he’s free to shop all he likes! – but this didn’t concern him as I am my own person, with my own needs.
While I certainly don’t think that we were headed down a path to divorce (at the time of opening up), I feel 100% certain that opening up our marriage was the best thing for our future as it has brought us more self-awareness, more confidence and more understanding of each other.
Steph and I are more in love with one another, each and every day. As we grow and experience life together, our bond is constantly growing.
I was never a “forever” person and now – as I see what a strong “team” we are – I am much more that way inclined.
I admit it and I KNOW it’s hypocritical, but it is much easier for me to be with other people than it is for me when Steph is. Does me admitting that it’s sometimes difficult mean that I can’t be ok with it happening? Of course not. Compromise / happiness and unconditional love are things that matter very much to me and I will work through my issues because they are just that – my issues. Sometimes you’ll read about them here too. That’s kinda’ the point of this blog. You know, the diary-esque site you’re reading right now that has my feelings in it.
Despite other people’s objections that Steph and I are stomping all over the “traditional definition” of marriage, blah blah blah … we feel, deep down, that we are very, very married. We still make all of our household decisions together. We travel together. We support each other when we’re sick. We buy groceries at one of the local stores whose name he always forgets. We share many bills. We get into married sex ruts. We burp and fart around each other. We take our cats to the vet. We hang out with our friends, separately and as a couple. Many of them are hetero normative, living “normal”, traditional, happy lives, and some are queer and challenging social norms because it makes them happy to do so. And sometimes we hang out with our friends that we sleep with.
Being open has certainly brought us a little heartache over the years; me more so than him because I tend to get more involved with people emotionally, but he is right there beside me as it happens.
Being open has also brought us more love. We have a bond between us that no one can break. We have people in our life that we likely would not have met without this lifestyle that we love like family and I can’t imagine not having around.

I don’t fool myself into thinking for one minute that the people that think we are awful, horrible, delusional, promiscuous heathens will ever understand. For those that feel offended by our lifestyle choices I am sorry. Not to you, but for you for having to worry about something that doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of YOUR time on this planet. For those that expect open relationships to be sunshine, light and orgies, I wish you good luck. I will be over here, hugging my husband, wishing the world love and cleaning up my wine glasses because we are fine and happy together knowing how important silly little details can be.

Why Playground? Why Now?

samantha — Sat, 20 Aug 2011 03:14:55 +0000

When I first had the idea for Playground around the end of last summer, I had a lot more time on my hands. I had quit my job a few months prior to finish working on my non-monogamy guide book – which I promise to finish sooooon – and had seemingly all the time in the world to plan a small sexuality conference. I had plenty of event experience from my time as a wedding planner and working for a digital media events company, now I just needed to branch out from behind my laptop screen and meet the people that would fill my stage.

I was noticing more and more sexuality / sex / relationship based events on Twitter, happening all over the States and found myself baffled at why we here in Toronto didn’t really have any events that could be considered all-inclusive. I envied the population size of America and how it seemed so easy to fill an event space with sex-positive folk from multiple backgrounds. But why should a smaller population mean that we couldn’t have open talks about sexuality for all?

It didn’t and so Playground was born.

As I was beginning to plan and form an advisory team, I was excited to watch the plans for the very successful Momentum 2011 in Washington, D.C. take shape. I was beginning to see and read about the types of discussions that people were interested in having around sex, sexuality and relationships and wanted to continue that dialogue here. Toronto is a wonderfully sex-positive, culturally diverse city where there is an event to be found for every interest. If you’ve got a fetish or want to find the community for you, you can find it here.

So why the need for this event? And why me?

I’m not under any false impressions; I’m but an up and comer on the sex-positive scene, but in between my full time job in digital media, life coaching and workshop teaching I am throwing myself into this plan. As someone who dabbles a little bit here and there in many sex-positive communities, I wanted to create a space for others like me. Others who want to engage in dialogue and learn something new (or something old!) from some of the best names in the industry.

After meeting many of these amazing educators at Momentum this past April, I am thrilled to be bringing the conversation to Toronto this November. I hope that you are as excited as I am to have the walls of the Gladstone Hotel busting at the seams with so much sex-positive goodness!

Early bird tickets are on sale now. Rates go up September 5th!

Kisses, hugs and licks.
Samantha
~Playground Executive Producer

One ring to rule me

samantha — Wed, 13 Jul 2011 04:14:06 +0000

My wedding ring and I have a strange relationship. When I’m at home, I often pay it no attention, abandoning it on a random shelf as soon as I walk in the door. It never sleeps with me or sees me naked. I won’t let it eat at the dinner table and it certainly never gets to hang out during sex.

However when it’s time to leave the house and go out in public, I am absolutely lost without it. On those days where I cannot remember which one of five random shelves has been graced with my white-gold, sad excuse for bling band, I find myself sometimes hiding my ring finger when surrounded by strangers, lest someone see me as not married or worse … with a wedding ring tan line (a sure sign of cheating, some would say).

My relationship with Ringy started out pretty rocky in the early days. I really resisted having to hook up with a wedding ring for a few reasons. First, I really didn’t think that having one was necessary to be married. It’s like I was ok with actually getting married, but still an activist against all of the traditions that came along with it. Second, we were poor. Spending money on a piece of jewelery that I assumed I would inevitably lose seemed like a complete waste of good resources. So Steph and I did our very best to get the almost cheapest rings we could find.

We spent $150 on a simple white-gold band for me. A figure that we decided was ok to have to spend again should we have to replace it. (so far, we haven’t.) And somehow, seemingly against my will, Ringy and I are stuck together.

When I’m out dancing or looking at cute boys – and girls – I can’t not wear the damn thing. If I’m in one of those moods where all I want to do is make out with a stranger or maybe more, there’s something that makes me feel uncomfortable not wearing that identifier. When I sometimes take it off and put it on my necklace I feel amazingly cheeky, like a nine year old boy who’s just found his first Playboy magazine. Those casual hook ups I sometimes want would likely be much easier if I didn’t have the strong desire to point out “Hey! I’m married! I’m ALSO non-monogamous! Hope you’re super cooooool with that!” from the get-go. In fact, maybe there actually would BE some casual hook ups because I would likely be more relaxed about the whole situation.

(As a side note; lately there have been a severe lack of casual or serious hook-ups. 2011 has been a very boring, yet interesting, yet tragic year in my non-monogamous life, but that’s for another blog post … or auto-biography.)

Good ol’ Ringy here holds a sick power over me. I would love to chalk it up to sweet sentimentality and something along the lines of; I just have to make sure I’m always wearing my ring because it shows how committed I am to my husband and how I love him more than life itself and we will always be together and it is a symbol of our love and affect …

barf.

Not that I don’t adore Steph. Not that I’m not completely committed to him, but if I dig deeper into my relationship with Ringy, I highly suspect that we will find insecurities ruling this twisted relationship. For some strange reason, our formative years can often have more of a hold over us than recent times – perhaps because we haven’t lived as long then, so teenage angst takes up a much larger percentage of our overall life then vs. now – Anyway. In MY formative years I was never the girl in a relationship. Boys didn’t want to kiss me, or maybe they did and I didn’t notice. Without getting into the whole “poor me” routine, I was a bit of a tragic, single, third wheel, fat kid for a long time and that persona has stuck with me, albeit under the surface, for years.

I never grew up caring about getting married one day but now that I am? I have to make sure that when I’m out in public my persona is that of married woman. Like I’ve succeeded at relationships. “Ta da, look at me! You all thought I was a looooser, but Ringy and I are joined at the hip now, bitches!”

I suspect part of it is that I find it more amusing to tell people I’m in an open relationship AFTER they find out I’m married because they sometimes squirm more and boy, I love a good squirm. Maybe it is simply insecurities that make me cling to that ring, and even buy fakees to store in the car in case I do forget ol’ Ringy in the bathroom. I don’t know, and I suppose it doesn’t really matter.

Maybe I just like those times when I’ll catch a guy on the subway looking down my cleavage and I’ll slide my hand slowly in front of my tits, just enough to show off that evil, lovely band and bring a little Catholic guilt to a strangers face.

Gooooooo Team!

samantha — Mon, 06 Jun 2011 04:28:28 +0000

For whatever reason, there’s been a lot of chat lately between friends, strangers and I about my relationship with my husband and I’ve been doing some thinking about things I’ve known for years. Questions that I’ve been asked have caused me to reflect on where we are now.

I’ve been thinking about he and I, and he and other people and myself and other people. I’ve wondered about being “enough” for him and what he gets out of relationships with other people that I can’t give him. And then I stop myself because I know the answers.

What he gets from others is the opportunity to hang out and be with them. They add value to his life by being who they are, not because they are “not me”, though that’s certainly an obvious statement. It just kinda’ goes without saying. They might click differently than we do, but that doesn’t take away from whatever we have together. And if it highlights something in us that isn’t working so well, while it’s tough to accept, once you overcome it, it can be a catalyst to work on problems within, together.

It’s tough to feel good for your partner being happy elsewhere when you’re going through things yourself. I’ve dealt with my fair share of insecurities or other relationship issues and trying to turn my own inner attention away from “me me me” and recognizing what we both need is challenging, but necessary.

And really, it doesn’t matter if you’re open or not. Whoever you are, it’s important to remember that, if you’re in a relationship, you are part of a team of more than one person. You have your needs and desires, but so does the other person. Not everything will go according to plan and not everything will go according to what makes you happy, first. But can there be happiness in compromise?

Absolutely. The strength we get by gaining control of our insecurities and owning them can help us come to the table with a clear mind and a clear heart. When we know that something is holding us back or causing us to feel pain, we can stand up for our rights, ask to be respected, but also be open to hearing why someone else may feel differently than we do and learn a new viewpoint to things that previously were quite self focused. When we feel insecure about not being a person’s everything we can reach out and ask for reassurance. We can be reminded of our value and our importance in each other’s lives.

My happiness is not based on if Steph chooses to be with just me or with other people, but instead it’s based on the life that we build, together. Ensuring that we are respected team players, secure in the knowledge that we support each other as individuals and as partners.

Happy 10 Year Anniversary!

samantha — Mon, 24 Jan 2011 19:28:46 +0000

Today Steph and I are celebrating ten years of being together. I’d say to start with that our relationship is a testament to non-monogamy being able to be successful just as much as any other relationship with hard work and communication.

Over the past 10 years Steph and I have changed so much. We’ve gone through a lot of shit together. People dying. Jobs being lost. Relationship unhappiness. But we’ve pulled through it, together, because we have an amazing sense of team.

We grow together every day. We support and nourish each others’ individuality. We are home base and a soft place to fall.

To celebrate this 1/3 of my life achievement I’ve selected a bunch of photos from the last 10 years that we’ve been together and am sharing them with you today.

Happy Anniversary, baby!

Save The Date! We’re on TV!

samantha — Fri, 14 Jan 2011 19:03:47 +0000

In 2010 Steph and I took part in filming for a documentary all about modern marriage. It took a while to convince him to join in and I think he finally gave in so that I could use the opportunity to (hopefully) further my career by getting our names out there.

We filmed a few times last year and eventually got used to the idea of having a camera crew with big lights in our faces while we pretended to pour coffee and make pasta. It was a blast to be able to share our pretty normal to us life with the Dreamfilm crew and, next Thursday, January 20th at 9 pm, all of you!

I will admit, I’m apprehensive to see what happens after the documentary airs. Maybe nothing will change and maybe everything will. Who knows!? I’m also apprehensive to see the documentary on television. I have no doubt that it will edited fairly and honestly and that the only people that might make Steph and I look like asses will be ourselves. Finally, I hate the fact that my hips and ugly green jacket made it onto the show. Someone should’ve told me to grab my longer winter coat and fix my hair that day. Ugh!

Anyway, I hope that you check out the show and come back to give me your feedback, not just on our appearance but on modern marriage in general. If you aren’t able to watch the show on CBC, there’s a link to check it out online after it airs on the CBC Doc Zone page. Hopefully that’s for everyone, not just Canadians!

Check out the trailer:

Official Press Release

NEW CBC DOC “THOROUGHLY MODERN MARRIAGE” POPS THE QUESTION
– IS THE AGE-OLD INSTITUTION OF MATRIMONY ON ITS WAY OUT?
ONE-HOUR DOCUMENTARY PREMIERES THURS. JAN. 20 AT 9 P.M. ET/PT ON CBC-TV

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Toronto. Jan. 4, 2011 – From Prince William & Kate, to Archie & Veronica, marriage is making headlines like never before. Yet there are more single people than married for the first time in Canadian history, due to a high divorce rate and the popularity of common-law unions. More of us are saying “Why bother?” rather than “I do”. Thoroughly Modern Marriage examines our most fascinating social institution and asks, is it worth saving? The new hour-long documentary premieres Thursday Jan. 20 at 9 p.m. ET/PT on CBC’s Doc Zone.

“Marriage is being forced to adapt to changing times,” says Sue Ridout, director and producer. “Brides and grooms are older – five years older on average than in previous generations – and more couples get settled with houses, careers, even children before they tie the knot – if they do at all. We’re at a controversial tipping point, with more Canadians who are single rather than married, and it raises the question of whether marriage as an institution has a viable future. ”

Thoroughly Modern Marriage asks couples, sociologists, neurologists and historians from various parts of Canada and beyond what constitutes a modern marriage. From Samantha and Stéphane who have an open marriage, to Marjorie and Jack, a ‘very married’ couple who converted their family home into separate apartments, viewers
get many perspectives on the current state of the union. The documentary also explores how geography, science and religion have a hand in making or breaking the institution.

Thoroughly Modern Marriage – produced by Dreamfilm Productions – is directed and produced by Sue Ridout and written by Dale Drewery. Story produced by Sara Darling, and narrated by Ann-Marie MacDonald. Director of photography is John Collins, editor is Tim Wanlin. Original music score by Daniel Séguin. Produced by Dreamfilm Productions in association with the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation. Michael Claydon is area executive producer and Linda Laughlin is senior producer for CBC Independent Documentaries. Mark Starowicz is executive director of Documentary Programming for CBC Television. Produced with the participation of the Canadian Television Fund, the Province of British Columbia Film Incentive BC, and the Canadian Film or Video Production Tax Credit Program.

Dreamfilm Productions is a Gemini Award-winning documentary production company based in Vancouver, British Columbia. Dreamfilm’s highly acclaimed documentary Peace Warrior, about Canadian soldier Capt. Trevor Greene, won the 2009 Gemini Award for Best Biography Documentary. Other award-winning Dreamfilm documentaries include The Downside of High, Hyper Parents & Coddled Kids, Desperately Seeking Doctors, and Embracing Bob’s Killer. www.dreamfilm.ca

For more information, please contact:
Susan Stafford T: 416.506.1238
UNIT:PR Inc. (for Dreamfilm Productions) E: susan@unitpr.com

The Only Girl in the World (In Bed)

samantha — Wed, 24 Nov 2010 16:43:19 +0000

(Note: A comment discussion has led me to realize I should have been more specific and mention the fact that I’m talking about naked, sexy times only in this post. Those moments when you lose yourself in the sweat, the moans and the feel of skin against skin. Hopefully this clears things up a bit.)

I admit it. There are some top 40 songs this year that have caught the attention of my hips; more so than usual. While my musical tastes are usually really varied, there’s something about 2010 club music that has my ass shaking. And while most of the time the messages are empty and the lyrics ridiculous, one song has me thinking and applying it to non-monogamy.

The song? Rihanna’s “Only Girl In The World”. When I first heard it I found something entrancing about the way she was singing, well belting really. After a while though, I started listening to the words and felt a connection to the sentiment.

“I want you to make me feel like I’m the only girl in the world.”

I don’t care how polyamorous I am or how much I (try to) support lovers having other lovers. When we’re not sharing a laugh over a drink or online, talking about our community together, but instead are in the bedroom and it’s just the two of us, I want to be the only one that matters. Even if it’s just for that night, that afternoon, that 10 minutes. In whatever time we have together, it’s all about us.

Sure, it requires a lot of compartmentalizing to focus on the task / person at hand sometimes but it is what you project and share with your lover that matters. How many people are fucking their partners while they’re fantasizing about somebody else? It’s an impossible question to answer really, but what matters is that they take the energy that they feel in their fantasies and bring it to their partners, encouraging them to feel sexy and important.

I’m under no illusions that I am the only one, even in my marriage. Selfishly, in every relationship I have, I wish I was the only one to some degree but I’m not running a harem, as much as I do very much like that idea. Just make me feel like I’m the only girl in the world and let’s enjoy this ride together.

Lyrics:

[VERSE 1]
I want you to love me, like I’m a hot pie
Keep thinkin’ of me, doin’ what you like
So boy forget about the world cuz it’s gon’ be me and you tonight
I wanna make your bed for ya, then imma make you swallow your pride

[CHORUS]
Want you to make me feel like I’m the only girl in the world
Like I’m the only one that you’ll ever love
Like I’m the only one who knows your heart
Only girl in the world…
Like I’m the only one that’s in command
Cuz I’m the only one who understands how to make you feel like a man

Want you to make me feel like I’m the only girl in the world
Like I’m the only one that you’ll ever love
Like I’m the only one who knows your heart
Only one…

[VERSE 2]
Want you to take me like a thief in the night
Hold me like a pillow, make me feel right
Baby I’ll tell you all my secrets that I’m keepin’, you can come inside
And when you enter, you ain’t leavin’, be my prisoner for the night

[BRIDGE]
Take me for a ride
Oh baby, take me high
Let me make you first
Oh make it last all night

Take me for a ride
Oh baby, take me high
Let me make you first
Make it last all night

On Mexico

samantha — Fri, 19 Nov 2010 04:42:08 +0000

Last week Steph and I took our first real relaxing vacation, ever. We’ve been together for just under ten years and it took my brothers’ wedding in Playa Del Carmen, Mexico before we decided to go anywhere that wasn’t a quick 3 day stint, road trip or home to England to visit my family.

Because the idea of not being part of the culture and just staying on a resort ground for 9 days was scary to us we booked 4 days in town first and then 5 at the resort. This was definitely the best way to do it, for us. Being able to explore the town from day to night, from the tourist zone to the outskirts was amazing. We knew all the drug dealers, all the best happy hours, and had a great conversation about sex with a hot bartender on the beach which was a plus for Samantha.

The resort was fun too, but different. We’re going to stay in more all inclusives – we have to, we bought a vacation ownership package (which reminds me … contact me if you’re going to fly, stay in a hotel or plan on visiting the Caribbean, k?), so it was a good place to break us into the lifestyle but I came away with some thoughts.

First of all, the resort was beautiful but still felt very generic. It had a ton of a la carte restaurants but they all felt the same. There wasn’t much to separate them, besides their menus and a little bit of décor. We went in expecting themes. I guess that was our fault for putting too many expectations on the place, but I didn’t realize it was going to be like small town Walmart … on the beach.

It wasn’t all bad though. Despite the drunk yahoos, we saw some awesome theatre shows, drank lots of delicious margaritas, hung with friends and family and got to see my little brother get married. That was worth it, completely. We’ll definitely be back to Playa Del Carmen, Coco Bongo and Xcaret. Loved it there!

Oh yeah, and then there was the day before we left when the place exploded … but I’ll let you look at the slideshow after the gallery to learn more about that!

If you want to see more pics from our trip, visit them on Flickr.

Photos from the Grand Riviera Princess explosion that happened on November 14th. We were a 5 minute walk from the blast site when it happened. What a crazy day. You can read more on my CNN iReport if you like as well. None of our friends and family were hurt.

Reassurance Win

samantha — Fri, 19 Nov 2010 03:02:14 +0000

Recently, while hanging in Mexico on holiday, Steph and I were having some sort of light relationship chat. I don’t remember at all what sparked it, but he suddenly said “I love the fact that Don feels about you like he does.”

When I asked him to explain he was talking about how it was nice for him to know that someone else cared about me because he wants me to be happy. It was a true compersion moment at its finest. He was also talking about how it’s still neat, after all these years, to get validation from someone else, indirectly, that his own feelings for me are well founded. To know that Don, and other people, think that I’m pretty alright reinforces his belief in his choice of me as a wife. It doesn’t mean that he needs other peoples agreement before feeling something himself, but it’s a healthy admission that it’s nice to feel like part of a community.

I love when he shares his thoughts like that. So I grabbed his hand and we headed to the bar, to celebrate with another margarita!

Here we are, happy in Mexico

What is Sex To You?

samantha — Sun, 19 Sep 2010 03:20:36 +0000

We hear the word all the time and we see the images everywhere we look but mainstream society still keeps pretty mum about exploring individual sexuality. There’s lots of places to go and groups to join once you’ve discovered your kinks or fetishes but it’s often all or nothing when it comes to talking about personal desire.

Sex is presented by the media as all about Sir Cocks A Lot entering Pussyville and as a result many teenagers see oral sex as a blurry second base. Individual desires are put aside for talk of erogenous zones and physical sex tips, ignoring any discussion of mental connection in the bedroom. If it ain’t good ol’ American fucking then it doesn’t count as sex and therefore isn’t important, right?

Who fucked for a Greencard and invented THAT logic? Girls can “fuck” each other. A hot make out session can count as sex if you want it to. I have a lover that I rarely actually fuck and we have some of the hottest sex I’ve ever experienced. As humans we have the capability to be so much more than meat and potatoes but we subconsciously let our relationships limit us. Take a standard meat and potato couple, each with their own external personal fantasies and you’re often left with two frustrated people who keep their desires to themselves and sit there stewing about their needs not being met. (Get it … stew … meat .. potatoes …)

There are those that are blessed with an understanding of and ease with their personal desires: The kinksters and the pervs. The people that so many vanillas look down upon, all while secretly envying them for being able to openly accept their sexuality. Those that know what sex is to them and go out and get it, embracing the pleasure that it gives themselves and their lovers. Then there’s the unfortunate souls; so used to doing what they’re supposed to enjoy that they might not even know how they really like to be touched when they’re not going through the motions. They might be craving a mental sexual connection but have no idea how to ever reach it.

I was one of those souls back in the day. I lived in a relationship where sex felt like a chore and I tried to put it off as much as possible. Just reading that sentence boggles my mind now because I have, so I’ve been told, an insatiable sex drive. However I don’t think that description really does me justice because it’s lacking some key points: I have an insatiable sex drive for sex the way I define it and enjoy it. If it doesn’t speak to my definition, I can take it or leave it. I’m never so desperate for dick in vagina that I’ll drop everything, including my drawers, to get it on.

Give me my kinda’ sex and I am insatiable. Lying with a lover recently we discussed how an experience together is better when it transcends sex in its accepted he-fucks-she definition. What makes amazing sex for me varies depending on the level of D/s taking place, but a normal everyday experience is made explosive with a few simple parts:

Knowledge that he (or she) really wants to be with me. That they’re so into any or all parts of me that they’re super turned on. Why does this work? Duh … because it feeds my insecurities.
Getting pleasure from them doing what they want with me. If someone is really enjoying themselves with me and it shows, that is enough for me to have a fantastic time. It doesn’t matter if it’s going down on me, choking, holding me down, exploring my curves or even just kissing my lips. If it’s obvious they’re totally psyched it drives me wild. Often the mental pleasure I receive from this completely trumps the need for an orgasm.
Freedom. When the other person feels free to explore new things with me, whether they’re leading or following, nothing inspires me more than this. Knowing that I’m safe to suggest something dirty, say something raunchy or put myself in a compromising position without having to fear apprehension, judgment or disinterest is the most amazing feeling ever.

It doesn’t really take much for me to show my true self. I’m a ridiculously sexual being that gets kinda’ sad if I don’t have an orgasm at least once (or three times) every 1-2 days. Yet I’m not rushing to fuck my husband all the time and instead misrepresent my sexuality by appearing at home to have a much milder sex drive than I really possess.

Wanting to write this post has made me think hard about this strange phenomenon and I’ve come to the following conclusion. Steph and I have been together for so long that it only makes sense that many of my desires, kinks and feelings about sex had not yet developed when we first got together. In fact many of them have been released as I’ve had the freedom to explore relationships with other lovers. Outside of my marriage it’s easier to BE the sex I want to have as there’s no history getting in the way. Inside my marriage I have to peel back years of living together having sex the way I thought I was supposed to, regardless of whether I really felt a connection or enjoyment.

Steph and I are talking a lot more lately and even after 10 years together are discovering new things about each other’s bedroom preferences. Even though I don’t disagree with my previous blog posts that sometimes you just gotta’ roll over and fuck the way your partner wants to fuck, I am still determined for us to get closer to the sex that both of us want to be having. There are personality traits that we both wish the other had in the sack, but I’m hopeful that we will come closer and learn to work around these obstacles and start truly sharing what sex is to us like I am able to so easily with others.

Sex to me is a strange beast. When it’s right I cannot get enough of it and my mind and body tingle with anticipation, energy and constant excitement. When it’s off it’s harder to peak my interest even though I end up enjoying myself. I would love to be ok with anything that comes my way immediately but alas, that’s not what works for me.

Addendum: After I posted this last night, Steph and I talked about it and I realized a few points that I hadn’t included, though they have been mentioned in other posts. Steph is a very physical person and I’m much more about mental connection. Sex to him is heightened with every touch, and to me it’s heightened with intimacy. Not necessarily emotional – I can have sex with someone I don’t know if the chemistry is right. I’ve often said to him that it feels like he just wants to do it, and it doesn’t matter if it’s with me or anyone else. I don’t fault him for that, but it doesn’t inspire me to want to fuck if I feel that I’m replaceable in that moment. He’s learning to be more vocal about thoughts he has because he really does enjoy me (I’d fucking hope so as his wife!); he just keeps it to himself an awful lot of the time.

So tell me now, what is sex to you?