Yes, that’s soon what I will be saying as June 2nd is my last official day at Interactive Ontario. 8 months ago I would have been over the moon to be leaving, regardless of having any other plans, but now this departure is bitter sweet. The organization has improved, and I have realized where my talents . . . → Read More: I’m Not Unemployed … I’m a "Writer"]]>

Yes, that’s soon what I will be saying as June 2nd is my last official day at Interactive Ontario. 8 months ago I would have been over the moon to be leaving, regardless of having any other plans, but now this departure is bitter sweet. The organization has improved, and I have realized where my talents in event management / design and general awesomeness lie. Contrary to what I thought I would ever say though I am now open to working part-time with IO to do design / event management work in the future, or even occasionally while I’m doing other stuff, but for now? It’s time to follow my passion.

What is that passion? To finish writing Not Your Mother’s Playground: A Guide to Open Relationships for Everyday Folk. I’m about 140 pages in and have about 160 to go. As of right now, I don’t have a publisher, but I’m really hoping that as soon as I finish my publishing package (thanks Jenny Block for recommendations on how to complete this), I’ll be on my way to a book in hand. (And hopefully book signings with you lovely folk!!)

Why am I leaving a full time job to write a book?? Well, it’s been something I’ve wanted to pursue for so long. This thing has been in the works for over two years but I’ve been so mentally exhausted so often at my job that I haven’t been able to devote the writing, research and interviewing time to it that it so rightly deserves.

The point of the book is to guide regular people through not only open relationships, but regular ones as well. Using my personal relationship as an example (along with interviews with other couples), it’s meant to be a “Pick up and play” type book that anyone can read and gain insight from. My inspiration originally came from first opening up, almost 4 years ago, and discovering that all of the books out there, like The Ethical Slut, didn’t really speak to the modern couple / single exploring polyamory. They were written for hippies and people that believed that life is all flowers and bunnies, which is not the angle I’m taking.

I’m writing about things that you’ve probably seen in the blog. How not sending a text message can fuck things up. How breakups can go very badly. And also how things can be super awesome the very next day. Somehow Steph and I have made this work, and I want to share my experiences, not as an expert, but as a kindred spirit traveling the same journey that many of you are on.

The other books I HAVE read and love include Jenny Block’s: Open: Love, Sex and Life in an Open Marriage and of course Tristan Taormino’s Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships. I love both of these books and the women behind them are great souls who have been ever so kind to me on my journey. Jenny’s book reads as a biography with some tips and guide pieces thrown into it, and Tristan’s book is an excellent compliment featuring hundreds of interviews and in-depth discussions with couples exploring their own versions of open relationships.

Not Your Mother’s Playground is going to find itself somewhere in the middle. I want to tell my story to make the words that I write relevant, but I also want to take time this summer and get YOUR story which is why you should look for my calls for submissions that will be coming out! Leaving my job allows me to spend more time discussing not only my story but yours as well, and I hope you’ll join me on this journey. EAVB_ZILOAFZNXY

In addition to the book writing, I’m also looking into planning a sex and relationship conference in early summer of 2011. Event planning is an absolute passion of mine, and I’ll go as far to say I rocked the shit out of www.inplay2010.com the last couple of days. I want this event to be more than just a polyamory convention, or a sex show. I want great minds to come together and discuss modern communication, marriage, dating, swinging, kink, polyamory and so much more. A conference that invites all in and doesn’t focus on one specific type of relationship / sexual practice.

So … in a nutshell, that’s what’s up with me. I hope you’re as excited to read the book as I am to share it with you. If you happen to know a publisher that you can hook me up with? I’ll never say no to that offer. And if you’d like to contribute to either NYMP, the book or the conference next year (currently unnamed), you can email me at frasersamantha@gmail.com.

Kisses, hugs & licks.
Samantha

Met Another Frog is geared to urban women and offers stories, social commentary and ‘edutainment’ about:

My challenge? Explain the myths behind men cheating.

Read on, and let me know what . . . → Read More: Men Only Cheat When…]]>

Recently I was asked to write a guest blog post for Met Another Frog, about the myths behind men cheating.

Met Another Frog is geared to urban women and offers stories, social commentary and ‘edutainment’ about:

• dating and relationships
• love
• sex
• achieving personal satisfaction on one’s own terms

My challenge? Explain the myths behind men cheating.

Read on, and let me know what you think.

Men only cheat when they’re unhappy partners, or with women who are better looking than you.

What you just read, is a partial myth. It’s an easy one to live with as the reasons are so easy to understand and therefore ignore. Not happy? Then of course he’ll stray. Better looking than you? Well honey, you just never stood a chance. Don’t blame yourself.

The fact is that men cheat for many other reasons, and today, I’m going to shed some light on the issue by breaking some of them down for you. Why am I qualified? Well I’ve been in an open relationship for three and a half years and for almost three of those I’ve had an “undefinable” relationship with a married man. He loves his wife dearly, and despite the unforgivable lies and deceit, he’s a very caring and respectable husband. It can happen.

Reason #1 – He Feels Ignored

I believe that a large percentage of everything that men do is guided by ego; not to say that’s a bad thing. Society grows our men up with the idea that they need to be tough and ready to handle anything; but when it comes to relationships – personal or business – men can be as sensitive as us girls. If a man feels he’s being ignored and another woman gives him a little attention; it’s a hard thing to resist. You might think that this is the same as being unhappy, but I believe that because there are so many layers to the word “unhappy”, we shouldn’t use it as a blanket statement.

Reason #2 – “I’m Proud Of You”

Without proper care a long-term relationship can sometimes wear a man down. Years of “Can you take out the garbage?”, “Did you pick up the milk?” and “I have a headache” can easily lead to two partners living as roommates, without much of a romantic connection. When all a man hears from his SO is nagging, nagging, and wait for it ladies…still more nagging, the appeal of another woman telling him that he’s doing something right is virtually irresistible.

Often times the ‘other women’ aren’t any better looking the partners of the men who cheat. These men aren’t with them for looks alone. They’re with them because they feed their egos. A man yearns to be praised by his woman, to sense and feel her admiration for him: so much so that he’ll chase the feeling – straight into another woman’s arms.

Reason #3 – He’s Not Built For Monogamy

Maybe I’m biased, but I don’t believe monogamy is natural for everyone. It certainly isn’t for me, though I do follow my own personalized version of it, and since opening up my relationship I’ve met many men who feel the same way. They love their partners deeply, but want to experience sex with many other people. Since non-monogamy is still not widely accepted by society, these men often have difficulty broaching the topic with their mates. The brave few who do raise the subject are usually shut down by wives or girlfriends, who are adamantly against it. So, many men who love their partners, don’t want to lose them, and also long to experience sex with others, find themselves stuck with only one option – cheating. The men who take this route aren’t necessarily falling out of love with their partners. They’re just selfish, scared and/or unwilling to disrupt their family lives.

Reason #4 – He’s a Little Kinky

Some men like to have a kinky secret that is set apart from their relationship – something their partners know nothing about. These men may have tried to share their kinky side with their SOs only to find that their female partners don’t want to be choked or see them wearing a collar and a leash.  But if a man’s kinky habit is a big part of who he is, he’ll have trouble denying it. For men like this, cheating will always appear to be the best option.

Reason # 5 – Cheating Is The Norm

Despite the fact that cheating is wrong and there’s isn’t really any good excuse for it, it really is the norm. We humans have been cheating since time immemorial. Also, with the media constantly bombarding us with celebrity sex scandals and tales of infidelity, I think many of us are starting to expect it. Few of these reports tackle the reasons why people cheat. Instead they spin something like Tiger Woods’ philandering into a sex addiction – one he can’t control without help – and avoid discussing the lack of honest communication or the weak emotional connection he probably faced in his marriage. Furthermore, the fact that in 2010 it’s still more acceptable to admit to being a cheater than to say you’re in a healthy and happy polyamorous/swinging relationship, is proof that infidelity is more accepted by society than we’d like to admit.

Sadly, if we ALL don’t make an effort to improve the way we communicate and behave in our relationships, people will continue to cheat and hurt the ones they love the most. We ALL need to take responsibility for opening up to our partners about what we’re really feeling. So, be honest with yourself and your mate about what you need to make your relationship work for you, and why you think you’re not getting it at home.

Read the post on the Met Another Frog site by clicking here.

The . . . → Read More: What What, In Your Butt!]]>

Hey work colleagues and family! This post is probably TMI for you. Don’t say I didn’t warn you!

Recently I went to local sex store, Come As You Are for the Advanced Anal Pleasure workshop with Tristan Taormino, sex educator, adult filmmaker and bestselling author of The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women.

The lovely Tristan Taormino & I

I’d been looking forward to this workshop for weeks and finally it was settled that Steph would come with me, so after a quick diner at Harlem Underground, off we went. The atmosphere at CAYA is lovely and intimate, with room for only about 20 people. I was really looking forward to meeting Tristan as I very much enjoy (and recommend) her book on open relationships Opening Up and have quoted her in my book on numerous occasions.

Assuming that everyone in the room was well versed in anal pleasures enough to be attending the advanced workshop, Tristan started right away with enemas. After enemas she discussed the ins and outs of anal penetration; prostate stimulation; anal sex positions; strap-on anal sex; orgasms through anal penetration; extended butt plug wearing; and anal fisting. She grabbed a couple of volunteers from the audience who, while one wore the Wonder Woman dildo harness, demonstrated various positions to try for everyone from the beginner (try spooning), to those that want to “jam it all in” (try doggie).

Never being 100% comfortable with full on anal myself, it was great to have my questions answered by someone well known as an expert in areas of the bum. Mild IBS and pain have always made the idea of it not too appealing but knowing that not only is my husband into the ass, but so are others I’m dating, makes me want to try harder. I’m not opposed to it like I am eating mushrooms. Asking Tristan about practicing, stomach problems and timing helped reassure me that not only is it possible, it will be fun and if I can learn to relax, there’s a whole world waiting there for me.

Here’s some quick tips from the workshop that I’ll share with you.

• Even people with chron’s, IBS and other bum issues can enjoy anal play.
• Enemas often contain laxatives. Best to drain them and fill yourself with lukewarm water.
• Your ass is not going to grow to be this big gaping hole that you see in porn, only to never recover. Those people that you see in porn are sexual athletes and have been fucking for hours before you see them for 20 minutes with an asshole you could fit your foot into.
• All asses need a warm up. Even people who are used to anal play but take a break for a while will need a warm up to relax the muscles.
• The more practice you have, the less warm up time you’ll need eventually.
• When fisting, always use gloves. Even with partners that you go barrier free with.
• When fisting, if your partner freaks out and says “Get it out of there!”, this is a perfectly normal reaction. Go slow, but not too slow, and out you get.
• Anal sex requires a hard dick, (or a dildo), so if your partner asks you (boys) to stop moving because the sensation is too much, try short, shallow thrusts to keep both of you happy and aroused.
• After a good fisting, or other anal play, your ass might hurt! Try hemorrhoid wipes – basically baby wipes, soaked in witchhazel (try refrigerating them too!), or Vitamin A&D cream – available in your local pharmacy for some relief.
• Attention straight men! Liking it in the ass does NOT make you gay; stop thinking that! Your prostate just happens to be located there, and learn to stimulate that correctly and you can possibly become multi-orgasmic.

Thanks to Tristan and Come As You Are for a great workshop. I was really excited to be meeting one of my #polyamory author heroes and thankful that she was happy to let me quote her in my own book and will help me connect with other authors if necessary. Woo hoo!

For more information, check out Tristan on tour! Hopefully Toronto folks, I’ll see you when she returns to Toronto in April for the Feminist Porn Awards. You can also check her out tomorrow at Uof T when she keynotes the Porn Reborn: New Movements and Markets in Pornography event. (Visit her tour page for more information.)

Not the usual décor for our living room!

Saying that it’s a little nervewracking to have a large camera in your . . . → Read More: Ready For Our Close-Ups: Modern Marriage and Us]]>

Yesterday, months earlier than we were expecting, Steph and I were interviewed for the documentary we were asked to be in on modern marriage, that will air on CBC’s Doc Zone hopefully sometime early next year.

Not the usual décor for our living room!

Saying that it’s a little nervewracking to have a large camera in your face while you speak to intimate details about your marriage is a bit of an understatement but Steph and I held our own. The woman that we were being interviewed by, Sue, was lovely and calm and just let us talk when we wanted to keep going. If there’s one thing that Steph and I can do well, it’s talk. And talk. And talk some more. I like to think that’s one of the reasons our relationship, and open part of it, is so successful.

We talked about our relationship before we got married, why we ended up getting married, my time as a wedding planner and our open marriage as it works today. It was a bit difficult sometimes when talking about current relationships knowing that the show wouldn’t be aired for months and having no prediction on how the next year might pan out. Of course, this past year with the Drapers has been much more consistent than any relationships we’ve ever had since opening up, so I highly doubt / don’t plan on anything changing – unless for the better, if possible, but still we had to think in the future which was a bit weird when answering questions.

I also wanted to be careful to not say anything too strongly about swinging and polyamory and the lifestyles that other people choose. If there’s one thing I cannot stand it’s the polyamory police that like to believe there’s only one way of doing things and so I tried to stay away from that, saying more that this is what works for Steph and I, not other people. I think it’s best that people have their own takes on their own relationships as no one is living your life for you, but you.

It was important for us to show people that polyamory / swinging isn’t really always as alternative as you might think it is. That we still deal with normal things like bills and groceries and going to IKEA and Home Depot; though admittedly nowhere near as much as we used to.

So while we talked about sex with other people, we actually seemed to speak more about practicality. How time management works within our open relationship. How the little logistical details can sometimes get in the way of sexy fun times and how they often mean the most. We realized after the camera stopped rolling just how boring* we’ve become in 3 and half years of being open. In the beginning it was all genitals and more genitals, and then with experience it’s just become another aspect of our lives that we have to manage well to be happy.

At the end of the day, that’s what we wanted to get out of this filming experience. We wanted to show that “normal people” (normal on the surface anyway) can take the traditional institution of marriage, combine it with an un-traditional lifestyle such as swinging or polyamory and be successful at it, with a little elbow grease. Or sometimes a lot of elbow grease. Fucking other people and knowing how to handle it is something that we’ve learned to deal with, just like we’ve learned how to do our finances together.

Don’t get me wrong as I’m not trying to take the sexy out of the situation. For those that know me well, they know I’m one of the perviest people on the planet and would be getting into as much sexy trouble as I could if my current relationships were set up that way. Dirty should have been my middle name. (I guess Leigh was prettier?) Over the years of being in this situation though we’ve learned that being open isn’t just a fad to us, it’s a part of who we are and talking about the practical side of how we make fucking other people work is exactly how we like to look at our modern marriage.

*Just kidding, I don’t really think we’re boring. Steph and I just like to say that as a joke.

Reading the comments to scroll down and eventually write one of my . . . → Read More: Sometimes People Need Pwning]]>

Recently I was visiting Sexie Sadie’s blog, one of my faves as she writes about her open marriage with an honesty that I admire completely, and I came across this post about her 13th wedding anniversary and coming clean with some issues in her life.

Reading the comments to scroll down and eventually write one of my own, I noticed that a Bible thumper had gotten in on the action. Now I’m all for having a relationship with God if you like, but well when you start to step on my or my friend’s toes … well … you’ll see what I wrote if you click the link below.

Click here for the comments page, or the above link for the full post.

And in other news, read her latest article on compersion where she interviews lil’ ol’ me!

My friend @doingitwrong made this for us last year

Three years later and what a ride it’s been. We’ve gone through so many changes in such a short time; being open has really helped us become the people we are today.

So what have . . . → Read More: How could I forget!?]]>

Today is our third year Openniversary. Here’s my post from last year: http://notyourmothersplayground.com/2008/08/26/openniversary

My friend @doingitwrong made this for us last year

Three years later and what a ride it’s been. We’ve gone through so many changes in such a short time; being open has really helped us become the people we are today.

So what have the past three years brought to our table?

• Threesomes with some lovely pretty ladies
• My first threesomes without Steph
• A few awkward foursomes
• BDSM introduction and self discovery
• Fetish club adventure
• Lavalife, Plenty of Fish, okCupid and Adult Friend Finder
• Love with others
• Breaking up with others
• Dating people waaaay younger than us
• Fights
• Accidental sex with friends
• Sex in an office
• The ‘stapler’ incident
• Hey wait, I like being hit like that …
• Make up sex
• Conquering jealousy, or at least taming it
• Do we WANT to go to Club Wicked?
• Discovering who we are as individuals
• Getting over domestic boredom
• Discovering the city we live in
• Realizing that we can be sexy, attractive people
• This blog!
• A book on the way
• An article in the National Post
• A mention on CBC radio
• An amazing group of friends from Twitter
• A sexy celebration of our 3rd Openniversary which is going to start right about … now.

We’re into open relationships.

It was an ad for their ‘no contract’ agreement. I would have taken a phone pic of it but I had to pay attention to the road after all.

Whatever it was for, it certainly made me think. I’m starting to notice . . . → Read More: According to virgins …]]>

Driving along today downtown I saw a Virgin Mobile billboard that simply said;

We’re into open relationships.

It was an ad for their ‘no contract’ agreement. I would have taken a phone pic of it but I had to pay attention to the road after all.

Whatever it was for, it certainly made me think. I’m starting to notice more and more in popular culture and advertising that open relationships are being used as sells. From what I’ve seen the focus is usually on a seemingly safer taboo, the “in-betweens”.  People who are less likely to simply swing but also feel that the stereotypical polyamory scene isn’t 100 % right for them, as well as those in more traditional relationships who are ok with the whole idea.

The media is picking up on this “new fad” – that is in reality so old it could be related to the dinosaurs. Shows like ‘Big Love’ are getting us talking about polygamy by the watercooler. Last summer’s little show ‘Swingtown’ introduced old school swinging styles to a new audience. Outside of that, open relationships don’t really get very much media attention, but I’m not complaining. I don’t love or fuck more than one person because it’s trendy or popular in the ratings. I do it because it’s right for me, for my husband and for our marriage.

In truth though, part of me likes the idea – however exploitative it may be – of throwing in cheeky references to non-monogamy in a Virgin Mobile ad. Last night I received an e-mail from an ex best friend of mine who simply vanished without any explanation. Over a year and a bit later she wanted to let me know that I had done nothing wrong to end our friendship, as it was she who was not able to handle the things that were happening in my life outside of my marriage.

This leads me begging to ask the question: Is it possible that if open relationships were at least on the surface more “mainstream” and “trendy” that friends and family might be able to handle us being in them with more ease?

Even the biggest tree in the forest still came from one little seed, so here’s hoping.