So if you’re here and you want to burn me at the stake for ruining marriage or being a selfish whore or whatever else you feel I am doing to destroy society, I invite you to read my post, “I Am Not a Poster Child”.

I don’t think that non-monogamy works for everyone. I think there are definitely some careless un-safe non-monogamists out there, just like there are un-safe monogamists as well. There are happy and sad versions on each side.

It might matter to you what I do, but I don’t care what you do in your bedroom and who you do it with. What matters to me is if you’re a nice person. If you say thank you to the bus driver. If you hold doors open for people. If you teach your children to stand up to bullies. If you teach your children about gender equality and rape culture and eating their vegetables. I hope you remember to laugh at silly things. I hope you are honest with yourself and your friends and especially your family. I hope you like to indulge sometimes. I hope you live life to the fullest.

And I hope that whatever you choose to do with your love life that you are not judged and that you get lots of cuddles.

Feel free to commence the burning at the stake in 3, 2, 1 …

When I first had the idea for Playground around the end of last summer, I had a lot more time on my hands. I had quit my job a few months prior to finish working on my non-monogamy guide book – which I promise to finish sooooon – and had seemingly all the time in the world to plan a small sexuality conference. I had plenty of event experience from my time as a wedding planner and working for a digital media events company, now I just needed to branch out from behind my laptop screen and meet the people that would fill my stage.

I was noticing more and more sexuality / sex / relationship based events on Twitter, happening all over the States and found myself baffled at why we here in Toronto didn’t really have any events that could be considered all-inclusive. I envied the population size of America and how it seemed so easy to fill an event space with sex-positive folk from multiple backgrounds. But why should a smaller population mean that we couldn’t have open talks about sexuality for all?

It didn’t and so Playground was born.

As I was beginning to plan and form an advisory team, I was excited to watch the plans for the very successful Momentum 2011 in Washington, D.C. take shape. I was beginning to see and read about the types of discussions that people were interested in having around sex, sexuality and relationships and wanted to continue that dialogue here. Toronto is a wonderfully sex-positive, culturally diverse city where there is an event to be found for every interest. If you’ve got a fetish or want to find the community for you, you can find it here.

So why the need for this event? And why me?

I’m not under any false impressions; I’m but an up and comer on the sex-positive scene, but in between my full time job in digital media, life coaching and workshop teaching I am throwing myself into this plan. As someone who dabbles a little bit here and there in many sex-positive communities, I wanted to create a space for others like me. Others who want to engage in dialogue and learn something new (or something old!) from some of the best names in the industry.

After meeting many of these amazing educators at Momentum this past April, I am thrilled to be bringing the conversation to Toronto this November. I hope that you are as excited as I am to have the walls of the Gladstone Hotel busting at the seams with so much sex-positive goodness!

Early bird tickets are on sale now. Rates go up September 5th!

Kisses, hugs and licks.
Samantha
~Playground Executive Producer

For many, the fight against oppression, prejudice, sexism, suffering and homophobia gives the individual an extra sense of “home” plus instant allies in the war against ignorance. These alliances are valuable and certainly something to hold dear.

Communities pop up for many reasons and in the sexuality sphere one exists for pretty much everything. If you can think it, a group has formed around it somewhere. For those with specific interests like kink for example, it makes sense that a movement is created around events, similar fetishes and social interaction. People of like minds come together to share life experiences in a safe, hopefully non judgmental environment. It’s human nature to want this.We welcome like minded people into our inner circles because they share our interests or theories about sexuality and the world with us. Of course I’m going to get along well with the polyamorous, tattooed, rockabilly girl because we like many of the same things. And of course some of the hardcore non-monogamists may find themselves dismissing monogamy as a viable lifestyle style.

So what of those that may not like everything that we do? Can they still join our inner circles even if they are newbs or get a completely different kick out of say, balloons than we do? The idea of sexual positivity and welcoming people in with open arms is often easier said than done. Unfortunately what many encounter might end up closer to “Oh, you’re into that? Well that’s not what I’m into, so obviously that’s pretty weird.”

For a community made up of inclusive … communities, we certainly can be pretty exclusive sometimes.

Some might respond by suggesting that this isn’t a problem. That separation by interest is perfectly natural and necessary for society to sustain itself. There is a reason that ‘cliques’ form in high school; it helps to establish expectations and unsaid understandings amongst both their participants and rejects.

I never worked well with cliques in high school. I often found myself jumping around, having a few friends in various groups, never settling on one set. The same can be used to describe my sexuality. I dabble in kink. I’m non-monogamous. I’m bi-sexu.., queer. I’m into gender bending yet sometimes pretty hetero-normative. Choosing one community to become a part of is not something that feels natural to me and I don’t really dig on “settling down” with just one. Am I greedy to want variety? Perhaps, but I would rather remain sex-positive and include in my life a wide mix of people with different backgrounds; from vanilla hetero-normatives to lifestyle kinksters to activists and so on.

There is no denying that I still gravitate to those that perhaps I have the most in common with but my personal neighborhood simply asks for mutual respect, understanding and peace for people with differing viewpoints and backgrounds to become a part of it.

Communities have their place, but we also need to come together and realize that we can all exist under one sex positive umbrella and still remain individuals. By embracing our differences we can learn what makes each other tick. We can expose ourselves to new ways of thinking, new and different approaches to love, sex and relationships that may have never crossed our path had we stayed in our little bubbles.

For those of you that are interested in experiencing a multi-faceted view of sexuality and relationships, I hope you will join me and many other wonderful sex-positive people at Playground, happening this November 4th through 6th at the Gladstone Hotel in Toronto.

P.S. Kind of related … I highly recommend the show called “Community” with Joel McHale and Chevy Chase. No, it has nothing to do with anything I just wrote above, but yes, it is fucking funny.

Bye bye, anxiety

For the past two years Don and I have grown very close but our relationship has certainly been very tumultuous. In the beginning I didn’t date anyone because we barely had any alone time together and I was clinging to every moment. We almost broke up a few times in the past couple of months and there has been a lot of hurt. I haven’t wanted to date anyone else for a few reasons, but I think the biggest underlying factor has been fear. A fear that doing so would put our already shaky existence on even shakier ground. It was never that he and I were shaky. I’ve always known how he feels about me, and I’d bet that he knew how I felt, but the circumstances surrounding us, well we let them balloon into a crazy and uncertain place to be existing inside of.

Whenever we would hang out there was an air of desperation that hung over the two of us. I felt that we spent more time clinging to the moments that we had that we almost couldn’t enjoy them as much as we should have been able to. Desire is a tough beast, but we were suffering its bad sides instead of enjoying the anticipation that it can bring.

Then recently things got better. We hit rock bottom and started coming out the other side with a much clearer vision of the road ahead. When he left today I wasn’t feeling sad that our time was ending. I was looking forward to seeing him again because I feel like I can say with certainty that I will. I can let go of this sinking feeling that every time will be either the last time or the last time for many, many weeks or over a month. All of the things we’ve talked about forever might have a chance to finally come to fruition.

So what does this have to do with Crush? Well, I’m not 100% sure but I suppose at my core I am built to be non-monogamous. I become monogamous in certain relationships to protect myself and / or those around me, and I’ve been doing that with Don. Now that I suddenly feel a sense of security with us though, I don’t feel that letting Crush into my life is as much of a risk. I know it leaves Don feeling insecure and I hate that. If he started dating someone else it would likely be very hard for me, at least in the initial transition stage. As long as we were having our time together, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad … y’know after a while of it being pretty bad.

I really like Crush and he’d have to be something good for me to let him into my life. He’s said to me before that in the dating world the bar for men is set pretty low as so many of them are such dumbasses that women end up accepting that, but such is not the case for me. I already have a wonderful husband and a wonderful lover. My life and heart are satisfied and not needing anything else. The bar for me and other men is set really freaking high so letting anyone in is a really big deal. The point here is that I want this and if anything it makes me value my other relationships even more. It’s a bit difficult to get used to proper compartmentalizing again and sometimes things bleed over from one person to the next, but that’s just part of being human.

It’s hard to accept that something we want causes someone else pain. It’s hard to not feel guilty, selfish, mean and awful. Even though non-monogamy speaks to me at my core I am still very sensitive as to how others react and get torn up when someone feels bad. Especially since one of my favorite things to do is be a personal ego boost for those that I care about. Helping someone feel good about themselves gives me such a high and I thrive on it and I hope that it will continue. I don’t want Don to feel bad but I have to remind myself that all I can do is reiterate where I’m coming from and how much I care about him. The rest is up to him.

Knowing that Don and I are really good, probably the best we’ve ever been is a very positive feeling. It seems strange to say that as a result I feel better about dating someone else at the same time, but I cannot deny that it’s true. There is something very healing about letting go of that anxiety and accepting that we are great, no matter who I’m out with that evening.

But is it really?

Complaining about our relationships is easy. Outside of our jobs, where we live or where we’re from, we are defined by them. When our situation isn’t fulfilling our every desire we bash it. We dis the relationship and the other person or people involved. Hopefully not behind their backs as that never solves anything, but complaining is often our natural instinct. Human nature is to focus on the bad first instead of the good. Think about gossiping with your friends. Most people share the dirt before they get to the “Oh yay, what great news!”

It’s tough when you’re in a long-term relationship to keep that spark alive. Our lives become a business with finances to deal with. Events to schedule. Houses to clean and laundry to wash. There is always something to do and it can be so easy to gravitate to the to-do list instead of romance, a date or even a quick fuck. Or towards someone else with whom you don’t have to do any household business with, besides getting busy.

We tend to forget that those we love are also our lovers. That they feel and dream and want just as we do. And the biggest trap that we can fall into? When we become the same person, ignoring our own and each other’s individuality.

It happened to Steph and I during the first 6 years of our relationship. We had become this amazing marital unit, wanting the same things and doing everything together. On paper it seemed great: each other’s “better half”. I don’t want to be in a relationship with half a person though, and I certainly don’t want to be known as just a half myself. As we opened up and discovered new personal identities, it was very challenging to accept that we had opinions that occasionally differed from each other’s.

Used to loving all the same things, or thinking we did because we had become complacent, we quickly realized that we each dealt with polyamory differently. I wasn’t as easy-going as he was. He wasn’t into the same things that I was. How could this be?? It didn’t make any sense to us at first or quite a long time after we first opened up. If I was feeling unloved, or my feelings hurt he didn’t understand. He wouldn’t feel that way if the roles were reversed, so obviously there was something wrong with me. And when he didn’t have the same slutty urges that I had, well obviously there was something wrong with him.

The shoe would never even fit on the other foot, never mind being good to walk a mile in.

We’d have to talk, and talk and talk. Then when we were done talking, we’d talk some more. This is what I mean by hard work. Talking is exhausting. Communicating your feelings, while listening and hearing someone else’s is tough. There is 100% no getting around that. Personally, I love it. Having a strong connection with someone because we’re able to push through issues and have intense, deep and challenging chats kinda’ gets my brain off. That might not be the case for you, but if you’re in an open relationship you’ve probably got no choice.

Here are some quick tips for relationship communication that can apply to anyone, non-monogamous or not:

• Just because you like the same sushi place doesn’t mean you’re going to react the same way to things. YOU ARE NOT THE SAME PERSON!
• It’s 100% ok for you to feel something that your partner doesn’t. And if your partner feels something and you don’t understand it, you don’t have to. All you need to do is acknowledge them. Let them know you support them feeling whatever it is they’re going through and do your best to help them deal with it.
• On that note, ask how you can help. What might work to fix something for you could be completely different for them. Perhaps they don’t even want to fix it. I know that one might be weird to you fixers out there. Some of us are ok with being broken as long as we know we have a soft place to fall. Be that soft place!
• Do not make the other person feel like an asshole for not being as emotionally strong as you are, or for needing more romance in their life than you do. You have different brain make-up. Don’t blame me, blame science!
• Don’t whine about your needs. Understand that your partner is different and will do better if you explain it from your perspective without blaming them.
• Support each other and try to learn: You might not get it at first, or at second … fuck, you might never get it, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try. Using the “we’re not the same person” explanation is definitely not an excuse to not try to grow with your partner.
• If you say something, mean it. Your lover has every right to take the words from your mouth to be truth. If you don’t mean what you say, faking it will get you nowhere.

And finally for everyone’s sake, do not shut down. Accept the fact that communication is hard and suck it the hell up. I’m not saying you can’t have a successful-ish relationship without talking through your issues, but if they’re issues that really bother you, ignoring them or giving up isn’t going to make them go away. If you’ve convinced yourself that it doesn’t matter, then hey, more power to you (I guess?), but if you truly do want to fix them, then talking is kind of the only real way to do so. Once you get over that fact you might start to enjoy it.

Who knows? Maybe the conversations you have will make you both strive harder to find a solution or a common ground that works for all. A little bit of hard work can go one helluva long way and the rewards can be huge. A couple of years of intense chats later and Steph and I rarely need to have them anymore!

Which is good ‘cos really … relationships are hard, yo!

But … today sucked. And I can’t hide the fact that it sucked, and I’m having trouble saying any words out loud. I’ve barely said anything all day but I firmly believe that I still have a quota of sentences that I have to release so typing is how they’re coming out today.

It’s Friday the 13th and the day started off pretty dumb, but then just got progressively worse. I’m feeling really lost and dumb as a post at work lately, making fuck ups left and right and not grasping concepts with work I’ve never done, but still … I should be able to grasp. I know it’s a means to an end, but I’m letting it effect me substantially and it’s hella’ depressing. That alone was enough to ruin my day until I started thinking about something that’s come up recently.

Steph and I both went on lovely first dates the other night with girls from okCupid. (More on my lovely date later.) When I got home, we didn’t really talk about it. For some reason I’ve always been defensive immediately and haven’t wanted to hear anything about his dates – something I’ve been trying to figure out for a long time. He also doesn’t tell me much, thinking that I’m going to have a problem – more on this in my next post. Anyway, so after I get over that, we talk and I hear more about her. She lives up the road – which immediately I find to be a combo deal. That’s half really great, easy, convenient; I’m envious yeah, but whatevs. And then the other half is that it’s too close. Too easy to visit, too easy to spend way too much with her – if things were to get that far, of course. I’m lucky because Steph realized that half before I did and expressed similar anxiety which made me feel much better.

Eventually we ended up having a relationship conversation. One that was definitely very overdue and started very innocently. While telling me about the date, with adorable, cute enthusiasm – which I absolutely cannot knock because I’m so proud of him for becoming so comfortable with meeting people when he used to dread it – he said that it was cool that we could learn about the neighborhood from someone who lives in it.

This is where my feelings changed. We’ve lived in the neighborhood for five years. There’s quite a few places we have visited and quite a lot more that we haven’t. It’s easy to fall into a rut when you’re living anywhere. You stick to the same places based on your schedule, your preferences, whatever. But something I know very well is how much Steph has always been pretty negative about new things. Trust me, the man has gotten SO much better, but he is always the first one to “put the brakes” on something new whereas I’m often up for anything.

So why did it irk me when he said what he said? Well I suddenly realized one of the reasons I’ve often been uncomfortable with him dating other people. Keep in mind that this is a few years worth of buildup and I’ve only just articulated it. So many times I’ve suggested doing something fun, something that he and I can share as an experience together. Whether it’s try a new restaurant up the road, or a night out, we’re supposed to be partners and best friends – makes sense to do fun things together. Citing cost and practicality he’ll often reject the idea, not realizing that by doing so I feel he’s rejecting me. Of course he’s allowed to not want to do the same things as I am, he’s his own person sure. If it’s something like going to the grocery store – something we have to do – of course he’ll go, but anything “fun” that we haven’t done before (or sometimes things we have done) he’ll say no to, and not always because he’s opposed to it, just because he’s basically being lazy. So when he tells me excitedly that we can learn about the neighborhood from this new chick, I suddenly realized how I’ve felt rejected for years.

I get cost and practicality. Dates get enthusiasm and agreeance.

She gets it!

The “shiny and new” syndrome doesn’t just affect going out in relationships. It can affect how we relate, how your sex life at home is vs. your sex with other people. It’s easy to do new things with new people. There’s less expectations and less history to base judgments off of. It’s also easier to try something new that you’ve wanted to for a while because someone else is there to motivate you. What’s happened to us is that over the years I’ve stopped trying as much. I’ve adapted my idea of fun to fit my situation. I’ve gotten very good at convincing myself that certain things are in my past and that’s why we don’t do them when the truth might be that Steph just says no so much that I’ve given up.

The problem I face now is suddenly my heart is filling with resentment. That’s totally my emotion and I own it, but that doesn’t currently make it any easier to deal with. I feel like I’ve been cheated out of fun for years. Or that I’m somehow not worth having fun with and it’s left me feeling very insecure about it on top of a lot of other insecurities I’m feeling lately. I’m angry and sad all at once. I totally hate the idea of Steph meeting someone new but NOT because I’m opposed to him dating, but because I’ve suddenly realized all of these feelings related to something I’ve been missing out on. In addition, I think it has trickled over into our sex life. I feel like I haven’t been fucked by anything besides something I was controlling for weeks. Granted I was busy at work, got the flu, and then had a period accompanied by gross migraines, but I think the practicality has seeped into there as well.

One of the reasons why I seem to be “on” all the time when in the company of the Drapers is that I’m not around them as much as I am Steph. The opportunities to let loose and enjoy naked times over there are few and far between so even if I’m not initially feeling it, I allow myself to be constantly open to fucking so as to not let an opportunity pass. But why doesn’t that happen at home? It’s so easy at home to make excuses for not having sex, or not trying the new restaurant.

We can always do it tomorrow.

But the problem with that mentality is that there’s always another tomorrow and things get pushed and pushed and pushed. It happens to both monogamous and non-monogamous couples. The catch with non-monogamous couples is that we get to try the new things with other people, which can be a great thing – but sometimes not so much.

Like right now, I just want to feel like my husband wants to do fun things with ME. Not necessarily in place of someone else, but just as well. Go out and have fun on your dates, but then have fun with me too! It’s not such a big demand. Trust me, I can be a laugh riot, but I’ve lost my confidence with him in the bedroom and in the neighborhood. Practicality has gotten in the way so much that I don’t want to suggest anything anymore – though I still do because I’ll never really lose my enthusiasm. Honestly though, often I’d rather find someone else to go out with because it’s more likely they’ll say yes to my crazy or not so crazy schemes.

But if I do that, then we continue to both lose. I need to keep trying. I need to find things we can share together and not give up so soon. And he’s admitted that lately stress has caused him to take me for granted. He hasn’t let me in and I’ve felt it. The other day I came home with some life changing news – that I’ll share with you when I can – and he asked nothing of it. I felt embarrassed to bring it up because it seemed obvious that he wasn’t interested.

And that’s dumb of both of us. We recognize that we need to get better at this. Doesn’t that sound like a strange thing to say?

“We need to get better at having fun together.”

Whatever. There it is.

Wheeeeeeeeee!

*Addendum: We DO have a lot of fun doing a lot of stuff. Don’t get me wrong. There’s just a lot of new and different stuff that I’d like to try as well.