I’ve realized something about myself lately – and it’s not that I don’t mind the taste of seaweed as much as I once thought – though this is also true. It’s that my submissive side is so much more than an occasional stress reliever or playtime. It’s become what I need and what I crave most . . . → Read More: It Felt Like a Kiss: What Submission Means to Me
     
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I’ve been holding off on writing anything lately because I’ve had a bit of a chip on my blog’s shoulder that I’ve needed to remove. I told myself that I can’t write about anything sexy or otherwise until I am finally honest with myself about something that is really eating at my core. I’m afraid to . . . → Read More: Confessions of a Fat Kid: How “I’m lazy” destroys self-worth Ah dear NYMP. How I have neglected you so much this year. You understand though, don’t you? I have been so busy planning Digifest and Playground that a) my personal life has not been very exciting; in fact mostly sad and tragic and b) fuck it, I’m tiiiired. However, don’t fret. My worn out little brain has many posts for you to share with the world eventually, and one by one we will make it through. For now I’m going to treat you to a little revelation I had last night. Before I get to said revelation, I will give you a bit of back story so we’re all on the same page. You know about my relationship with Harvey. It’s been almost five years and we’ve gone through many different phases. From curious to friends, to kinksters who need to learn more, to backburner friends. And now we’ve arrived at this nice, happy place where we’re further evolving our dom/sub relationship. Gone are the days of me trying desperately to get him to validate my existence when in subspace. They have now been replaced by more responsible and respectful lines of communication; a sense of feeling very special and wanting to please him as a result, instead of wanting to please him to prove that I’m special. Lately, as a result of this new found closeness, I have been thinking a lot about our relationship. Why does it work? What are my thoughts on his “situation”? What do I get out of it? What does he get out of it? Why do we like each other? And so on … Then I realized something last night. Unlike riding a bike, dating for me, is quite … unlike riding a bike. It’s not something I can just pick up again because there are so many factors like state of being, state of relationships and state of confidence that come into play each time. However, I’ve come to the conclusion that maybe I should start at least consider dating again; men that is. I am really missing having another man in my life. As much as I lust and love after my husband, I cannot deny that other men bring a new emotional and / or sexual energy to my being that I haven’t connected with in a long time. To be honest though, I am pretty sure that the idea of dating again completely terrifies me. I don’t remember how to flirt with someone new and I’m pretty convinced that I don’t think I can be bothered with the whole “getting to know you” stage … again. Read more » “I don’t care which way you swing, Samantha, as long as you’re honest.” I will always remember my mum telling me those words in our kitchen when I was about 15. I don’t think we were talking about anything serious at the time but for some reason I held onto that knowledge – that my mum would . . . → Read More: I’m Here. I’m … ? Since Don and I have broken up / taken a break / changed our relationship / WHATEVER the fuck you want to call this state we’re in now, my sex drive has picked up and jumped out the window. It’s not just that situation, though that’s the main contributor. Crush and I haven’t spoken in over a week. I think it’s just because he’s busy but I have a feeling it’s something more. Add Steph being sick, and everything has pretty much fizzled out down below. What all of these life changes have caused me to realize is that – while it’s not the prettiest comparison – my sex drive works like a compost bin. It needs interaction – whether it’s in chat, in person or through touch – to keep it well fed and thriving. Because so much of my drive is fueled by my sexuality and not just my physical bits, if said sexuality is threatened, thirsty or sad … I lose interest in basically bothering. I need that interaction, the flirting, the teasing … dare I say it … the compliments. It sucks knowing that it’s hard for Don to know about the existence of Crush. I feel bad for hurting him because I know it must be strange. For the longest time I haven’t dated any other guys; it’s only been him (and my husband, of course!). But I’ve come to a realization lately (translation, just now) which might not make him feel any better, but it does seem to fit, so fingers crossed.  Bye bye, anxiety
A bit over a month ago I hopped on a plane to head to a little town called Reno, Nevada to meet and visit with some dear friends I originally met on Twitter. Hopping on “a” plane isn’t very accurate though as I missed my connecting flight and ending up hopping on three planes and arriving in Reno 10 hours late, which totally bummed me out as I was really looking forward to spending that first day with one of my hosts as he was going to take the day off work and just chill with me. Stupid airplanes and tornadoes ruining that bonding time. *shakes fist* Something I’ve realized lately: I don’t want to be anyone’s escape relationship. It makes me feel icky and kinda’ sad. In 2007 when I was dating the sous-chef, I know now that he was a total escape for me. Only 8 months into being open, Steph and I didn’t really know what we were doing – as . . . → Read More: Parachute I always fool myself into thinking that after the last epic conversation that Steph and I have, there won’t be anymore. And every time I do that, I’m wrong. Last weeks’ chat was a big one, and the focus was on sharing. Not of lovers, or bathroom time, but of our thoughts; what we’re thinking at any given moment. Over the years of being open I’ve found myself drawn to people who comment on the things they observe in life. Sometimes, like Don, they have amazing powers of observation and memory retention – (though I’m sure not always in his home life!!) and make me feel on top of the world by saying something they’ve noticed, or intuitively knowing the next move. Read more » |
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